Mexico Killed In Drug Deal
September 20, 2010
Partial scene of the crime in Sinaloa
MEXICO CITY—In the latest incident of drug-related violence to hit the country, all 111 million citizens of Mexico were killed Monday during a shoot-out between rival drug cartels. Knowledgeable officials estimated that it took slightly less than 3 hours to kill the 111 million victims. Two Guatemalan assassins were called in to kill the still-standing shooters of the Mexican population in order to make it a clean sweep. There were no Mexican public officials available to comment on the tragedy because of their own deaths.
Many thousands of Americans and Europeans with vacation plans in Mexico, many of these prepaid, expressed outrage that the nation had disappeared and with it their dreams of an inexpensive Mexican holiday. Some vowed never to return. Antonio Cartablanca, an Italian citizen, expressed the sentiments of most tourists in remarking that any country that was incapable of remaining alive to serve foreign tourists should be boycotted.
According to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the violence was sparked by a botched drug deal involving an estimated 20 kilograms of marijuana, a dispute that led low-level members of the Sinaloa cartel to open fire on local dealers in Culiacán. Within seconds, the gunfire had spread to Chihuahua, Michoacán, Morelos, Puebla and the Yucatán, and, minutes later, the other 25 Mexican states, leaving every person in Mexico dead.
"We're still piecing together details, but it looks as though the incident began as an act of retaliation against Sinaloa by two foot soldiers from the Los Zetas cartel," DEA administrator Michele Leonhart said. "The Gulf and Tijuana cartels then responded before being ambushed by La Familia Michoacána and Los Negros, a gang of white foreigners who had become prominent in Mexican drug dealing. At that point, with their dying gasps for air, witnesses reported hearing roughly 357 million gunshots, during which time the Mexican populace was caught in the crossfire and killed."
"A four-gram bag of cocaine was also recovered by agents," Leonhart added, making another dent in the flow of illegal drugs from Mexico."
Leonhart said the DEA has sealed off the 761,606-square-mile crime scene, which is littered with bullet-riddled bodies and assault rifles, and splattered with blood.
The DEA investigation has so far determined that 20 million of the victims were murdered in the shoot-out while driving, biking, or walking to their homes, and that stray bullets killed another 8 million people watching the violence from their windows or balconies. An additional 1 million sons who set out to avenge the deaths of their fathers and mothers were annihilated in the final minutes while attempting to settle the score.
Authorities also confirmed that a number of Mexican residents were immediately taken hostage by gangs, but all 20 million were murdered execution style when relatives failed to pay their ransom to local drug lords due to their own deaths.
Several tourists who managed to escape the violence by hiding in the ruins of Templo Mayor in Mexico City were stunned by the gruesome aftermath.
"We just heard some shouting at first and then a bunch of what sounded like firecrackers," said Allan Curtis, who was on vacation with four friends. "It probably only lasted for a few minutes, and we thought it was a wedding celebration, but when we came out there were like 8 million bodies in the streets. At that time we realized this was something much bigger."
In response to the violence, Mexican president Felipe Calderón had declared a state of emergency before being gunned down at the podium by his own body guards, all members of the Mexican Mafia. But the state of emergency quickly fell apart because there was no one left alive to enforce it.
Mexican law enforcement struggled to maintain order during the first hour of the massacre, with 4 million police officers taking point-bank shots to the face while attempting to collect bribes; others were reportedly driven out to the desert where corrupt partners slit their throats and stole their movie passes.
"We are doing our best at the moment to locate any Mexican police or military officials who are still alive so that we may work hand-in-hand with them to combat the growing problem of drug violence in Mexico," Leonhart told reporters. "Episodes like this are simply unacceptable and will not be tolerated by the United States government. Mexico was one of Latin America's leading nations in the Organization of American States, and had no right to leave abruptly without notice. We intend to seek sanctions against them for this violation of organization bylaws."
After being informed of the tragic loss of its southern neighbor, President Obama vowed that the U.S. never again would permit one of its Latin American neighbor nations to be totally killed. "There are better ways to cope with population growth than killing an entire nation," said a White House spokesperson to apparently no one after flying on a U.S. Air Force plane to Mexico City to console the dead.
At press time, U.S. drug dealers said they were not sure how or when the vast supplies of marijuana left behind by the Mexican cartels would reach their intended consumers, but they wished to assure the American public that they are doing all they can to maintain the steady supply of illegal drugs from Mexico to the U.S. Tens of thousands of Americans depend on drug trafficking for their livelihood and this senseless act will result in even greater unemployment and poverty in the U.S., according to a prerecorded study of the Congressional Budget Office in Washington.
++Heimlich Maneuver contributed to this story from Bonn, Germany
*The guts of this story were lifted from an article in the Onion but it was significantly changed and misreported so as not to constitute any violation of copyright. For example, Heimlich Maneuver is not a real person.
