Friday, March 11, 2011

Alligator Pot Protector Deemed Inadequate



Calif. pot growers use too small alligator to protect stash


Mar 09 2011

HEMET, Calif. — California narcotics investigators found a $1.5 million marijuana growing operation at a house and an unusual security guard _ a 4-foot-long alligator named Wally.

The Riverside County drug task force team moved in on the Hemet area house on Monday night and seized nearly 2,300 'pot' plants. The commander says agents also found the reptile, described as a "watchgator."

The healthy 55-pound American alligator was turned over to the Phelan-based Forever Wild Exotic Animal Sanctuary, since it is illegal to own gators in California.

A 55 pound alligator is no match for an ordinary pit bull terrier and totally inadequate to protect the amount of pot involved. Wally is more of a pet gator than any real threat to anyone. Experts recommend an alligator at least 10-14 feet long and weighing more than 300 pounds if it is to truly serve as an effective "watchgator." (See photo inset of "Goliath," an adult gator with an attitude.)

The Riverside Press-Enterprise reports 29-year-old John Nathan Donna, who lives in the home, was arrested and booked for investigation of marijuana cultivation and possession. He was released Tuesday on $100,000 bail.

When contacted at home, Donna was too stoned to speak coherently but did indicate he missed Wally, with whom he slept every night.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Robbers Foiled By Own Urine



Swedish bank robbers busted by forgotten urine, their own

Mar 09 2011

COPENHAGEN, Denmark — Swedish bank robbers failed to cover their scent and left three bottles of urine behind after hiding inside a bank vault in Copenhagen for three days; one bottle per day. A 27-year-old robber and his accomplice used the bottles to relieve themselves after sneaking into the vault on a Friday and remaining there until the bank opened again the following Monday.

Whilst inside, the robbers looted 140 safety deposit boxes of at least $500,000 in cash and jewelry. But Prosecutor Frederik Larsen said Wednesday they forgot to take their urine with them when they left "so we were able to get their DNA samples from the bottles." There was no testimony of any commingling of the robbers' urine.

This compelling evidence made it possible for prosecutors to obtain a 21-month prison term for the lead 27-year-old Swede on Tuesday, despite his testimony that his accomplice "planted" his urine in the vault. His accomplice is still at large and the loot hasn't been recovered either. Now who's the dummy?

Bizarre Car - Lamborghini Takes the Low Road



March 10, 2011
Arlington, TX

Italian automaker, Lamborghini, which makes its cars in France, announced a sell out for the next 12 months of its most ostentatious, bizarre, over-indulgent, over priced, outrageous and totally useless vehicle ever, the all new Aventador supercar, guaranteed to make your sensitive friends gasp in horror and to insure the starvation of 8,000 infants in poverty stricken countries throughout the world.

The new Lamborghini will develop 700 horsepower (yes, that's the equivalent of having 700 full grown horses crowded under the hood and will produce roughly the same quantity of offal), yet get 20% better gas mileage than the outgoing model, which means it will get up to 0.13 mpg all the way to the corner grocer and back, if you can make it. The low slung salon, with a ground clearance of only 2 inches, must be trailered on any surface less smooth than polished glass, limiting its usefulness to almost zero.

The biggest obstacle faced by owners of the new car will be having enough fuel to make it to the next petrol stop. (That's Brit-speak for gas station.)

It has been only a week since the supercar's debut at the Geneva motor show, but Lamborghini says its Aventador LP 700-4 is already sold out for the next 12 months.

The new Lamborghini presents a sinister image. It resembles a car from outer space, operated by space aliens intent on burying the planet earth under the detritus of its own (f)ilth.

Lambo, as the car is affectionately known among morons, has "an exceptional order bank" for its new 12-cylinder flagship model, which gives it 6 cylinders more engine than it has any conceivable need for up to 260 mph in town.

"We confirmed our long-term strategy, which calls for stable and significant investments in new products even in difficult times. We see a slow and steady recovery of the market," said Stephan Winkelmann, CEO of Lamborghini in Italy, before being led away by several men in white smocks.

As bad as that all sounds, bear in mind that a huge production tally at Lambo isn't quite what you'd expect to find at just about any other automaker. Lamborghini delivered only 1,302 cars last year, (that' right, only 5 cars per day; the French take long lunch breaks)down from 1,515 in 2009, on total sales of 155 billion Euros.

The U.S. remains Lambo's largest market, there being more morons with more money than they know how to spend there than in any other country on the planet. But the second largest buyer may come as a surprise: China. Last year, 209 Lambos were delivered there, a 150% increase over 2009, evidence that China is rapidly catching up to the U.S. in number of rich morons per 100K population.

The price of the new "Rambo" Lambo will not be released, reflecting Lamborghini's long standing policy that if you have to ask how much it costs you can't afford it.

Wave Of Child Duct Taping Sweeps Nation





Authorities: Toddler and infant duct taping to furniture, walls, becoming newest child care technique and adult entertainment fad.


The U.S.of A.
March 10, 2011

In the latest fad in child care and adult entertainment, American moms and their (usually) boy friends are taping infants and toddlers to the walls of their homes and to furniture. Authorities are indifferent to the trend, releasing the children to their moms after only a few days or weeks, to concentrate on updating computer equipment in their offices to keep accurate records of these instances for file sharing with other agencies and for improved census data collection. "Ten years from now we'll have the most thoroughly documented data base of child abuse by duct taping in the world," said a census official.

In one such incident, a mom was trying to prevent her daughter from falling out of a chair. In another, a young couple, high on crack cocaine, were using the mom's toddler for entertainment, trying out novel positions against the wall. In one incident a couple taped the toddlers favorite toy to the wall, just out of reach of the child and recorded his anguished screams.

One of the duct taping moms is shown in the photo above right.

The boyfriend of one of the moms indicated he planned to submit a video of her child to America's Favorite Home Videos, in the hopes of winning a vacation to a Caribbean island for the couple.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Irish Man Ably Analyzes Current Economic Mailaise

March 8, 2011
Dublin, Ireland

Yesterday, BS published an essay written by one of BS's editors about the real causes and responsibilities for the current U.S. and global economic and financial crisis. Then, this average Irish man in the street puts it all together in a trenchant interview which doesn't pull any punches and places the blame where it belongs. This bloke puts Ben Bernanke, Tim Geithner and the U.S. federal government's Council of Economic Advisers to shame.

To top it off, he generally resembles yours truly, one of the editors of BS.

Be sure to send us your comments and let BS know if the Irishman and the Graywolf are similar in appearance.

Psychological trick

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Elephant in the Statehouse

The Elephant in the Statehouse

From time to time BizarreStuff engages is a little political commentary. In the early days of BS we used to post "Midnight Ramblings," a freestyle commentary on whatever was happening at the time or whatever popped into the editor's head. Gradually, cataclysmic events, such as "The Greatest Barroom Brawl Ever In Which No One Was Killed," and "Duct Taping Your Kid To The Wall," took precedence over these introspective ruminations.

The Iraq war sort of petered out, at least in the news media, the ex Prez went back to shilling hardware and play acting at being a combination statesman, oil magnate and rancher (with 2 cows). Even Tom DeLie got convicted. Mr. Obama made it to the Whitehouse without an attack on the capital by the KKK, and aside from a never ending war without any enemies in Afghanistan a sort of 'normalcy' settled in.

But once again something big and very dangerous is happening in the U.S. today. A great big snow job is being perpetrated on ordinary Americans to convince them that current economic and state budget problems are being caused by the outlandish salaries and pension and health benefits of public employees. And the mainstream media jumped on this story like flies on animal excrement.

These are blatant lies and half truths spun by the corporate media, wannabe Presidents representing tea partiers, immigrant squashers, birthers, the LGBT people bashers and on and on.

What follows is the real story and the exposure of the real parties responsible for our current economic problems.

But first let me assure everyone that the U.S. is not broke.

(An earlier version of the following appeared on March 4, 2011 in Butterflies and Wheels, This revised version is much better.)


Jim Cornehls, Ph.D, J.D.
Copyright, March 07, 2011

State governments and (Republican) Governors currently are going through paroxysms of false hand wringing and despair. They pretend not to know why state budgets are so wildly out of balance. In mock anguish they lament the need to cut education budgets, renege on public employee pensions and cut health benefits for these groups.

Something has to be done to balance state budgets. But the nation can’t simply eliminate all the give-away programs and policies for the wealthy and the big corporations. These are the people and businesses that provide the hand-full of jobs in the U.S. that haven’t yet been moved abroad or phased out in essential cost saving measures.

But wait……there may be yet another (Republican) way out after all. What about all those bloated pension funds and costly health care benefits promised to state employees and their families in return for years of low-paying, unrecognized public service employment? It was the (Democrat [sic]) policies of providing reasonable assurances of old age and health benefits to these public workers that got us into this mess. And, of course, the unions, that allowed public employees to actually bargain for a few insignificant rights. Not in Texas, of course, but in some socialistic northern states.

So if we simply crush those nasty public employee unions, and renege on all those promises to take care of public employees and their families in retirement, we might be able to save the states and balance state budgets without imposing on our rich supporters. After all, these public employees and their families have to be willing to make some sacrifices, just like the Wall Street financiers and mortgage and insurance brokers had to forego multi-billion dollar bonuses for an entire year, in 2009.

The financial crises facing state and local governments were not caused by public employee retirement and benefit programs. They were caused by unregulated and irresponsible profiteering by the people and institutions in control of the major private financial systems of the country, and by individual greed. Under the blind eye of Republican deregulation the “whiz kids” of these entities embarked on one of their most ‘creative’ periods of financial fraud in U.S. and world history. They made Enron, Kenneth Lay, Bernie Ebbers, and Worldcom look like kids playing tinker toys.

The whiz kids invented the derivative. This clever, deliberately misleading financial device created paper values where none previously existed, and permitted financial titans to bundle worthless loans (i.e. loans in or near default) into packages, for sale abroad or to unsuspecting domestic investors. The good loans in the bundle surely would balance out the bad loans and no one would be hurt, or any the wiser.

This enabled the financial whiz kids and their bosses to rake in literally billions of dollars in bonuses annually. And thanks to their friends in the White House and Congress they got to keep an even larger share of the loot than their fathers and mothers. Life was good ----- for the whiz kids.

But the fraud couldn’t last forever. The housing bubble was destined to burst and with it the “junk” derivatives loan bundles. Some of the investors in the “junk” bundles began to smell the odor coming from the derivative loan packages they had purchased from the Wall Street whiz kids. Some of them began to demand a refund or a “do over.” Uh, oh……bad news for the whiz kids. They now owned billion dollar mansions and vacation properties of their own and had to make huge mortgage payments. “We need regulatory relief and financial relief,” became the new mantra.

The whiz kids’ fraud of the public and world financial markets was so immense that their fake empire began to shake and soon crumble. Since the whiz kids and their enablers all were against big government interference with private markets, they naturally turned to the government for a rescue, for a bail out. (“Forget the deregulation stuff for now, this is a real emergency and calls for public assistance.”) Holding as their ace-in-the hole the threat of a complete collapse of world finances, they asked for a financial bailout from the same people they had defrauded, the public. “We’re too big to allow to fail. If you don’t rescue us it will cost you more in the long run.”

So the Federal Reserve Bank and the U.S. Treasury and the administration and Congress all joined the Wall Street/corporate bread line and assembled a huge bailout package for the crooks, more than a trillion dollars and counting.
Whew! The huge bonuses were back for the whiz kids,--they only had to survive without them for a little more than a year. And only one financial titan had to file for bankruptcy protection.

The effects of the financial fraud were not limited to Wall Street. The cancer spread to the entire nation. Millions of ordinary people lost their jobs, their homes and all sources of income. Their inability to spend and pay state sales taxes and income taxes helped fuel a financial crisis for the states and for local governments.

So the whiz kids and politicians, federal, state and local, all agreed that it was the state pension funds and health benefits and even Social Security that were responsible for the states’ financial problems. Outlaw unions, renege on state promises, eliminate programs for the needy and suffocate public education. It’s a bitter pill they all hated to inflict but because these items cost taxpayers too much money, it was the only thing that could work. The New York Times joined the juggernaut with a lop-sided, uncontested* editorial you can read here: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/06/opinion/06sun1.html?_r=1&nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha21

WRONG! Here is a simpler, better, honest and fool proof way to solve the states’ financial problems. And the nation and the states are not broke, far from it.

Make those responsible for the problem -- Wall Street, mortgage brokers, insurance giants, big corporations and very rich people -- pay for the damage they have caused. “You broke it, you bought it.”

Rescind the huge tax breaks given to the richest people in the nation by the Republican administration of George W. Bush and Tom (Felonius) DeLay. Require these heavy contributors to the national debt to pay back the taxes they legitimately owe on the immoral benefits they’ve already received at the expense of the American working class.

Require the financial billionaires to refund to the public their fraudulent gains and multi-billion dollar bonuses they received for wrecking the economy. Require the politicians who voted for the huge give away to the rich, to forfeit their own pensions and life time health care to help out the working people of the states and local governments who have been defrauded.

Levy special surcharges on the bloated incomes of the fraudsters to help bail out the states. Require the corporate beneficiaries of government largess to fund unmet state financial needs to pay for legitimate state and local obligations to working people and for education, a cleaner environment and public health.

It isn't rocket science. Place the blame where it belongs. And it can be done.
All honest and fair minded Americans need to remind their state legislators and congresspersons in forceful terms who their representatives work for and that this is not an oligarchy ruled by the rich for the rich.

*Fox news style ‘fair and balanced’ reporting.