Man, Literally 'Falls' Into Police Custody

Hidden suspect falls through ceiling, cops waiting below

Oct 31 2011

PORTLAND, Ore. — Police officers in Oregon say a domestic disturbance suspect more or less fell into their hands _ through the ceiling.

Portland police were called Monday to a home to deal with an intoxicated man reported as threatening relatives. Lt. Robert King says they found him barricaded in the attic and determined he wasn't a threat, so they began to leave with the intention of following up later.

They say that's when they heard a crash and turned to find the man had fallen through the ceiling and onto the living room floor.

Twenty-one-year-old Aaron Deon Kinsey was not injured in the fall. But he was booked on domestic violence charges, fourth-degree assault and harassment.

Another Exotic Pet Released By Its Owner - In The Nick Of Time

A 16-foot python found in the Everglades had eaten a 76 pound deer

Oct 28 2011

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK, Fla. — Officials in the Florida Everglades have captured and killed a 16-foot-long Burmese python that had just eaten an adult deer.

Scott Hardin, exotic species coordinator for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission, says workers found the snake on Thursday. The reptile was one of the largest ever found in South Florida.

Hardin says the python had recently consumed a 76-pound female deer that had died. He says it was an important capture to help stop the spread of pythons further north.

Impregnable Woman

Stuttgart, Germany

A German man was unable to impregnate his wife, shown on the right, because he was infertile. He hired his neighbor, who resembled him, for several thousand Euros, to have sex with his wife, in spite of heated protests from his neighbor's own wife.

After 72 nights of sexual intercourse with his neighbor's wife over a period of months, the husband demanded that his neighbor be tested also. He too, was found to be sterile, which forced his own wife to admit that their two children had not been fathered by him.

When the original 'wannabe' dad demanded the return of his money, his neighbor refused, saying he had done what he was hired to do, have sex with his neighbor's wife, but he had not guaranteed she would become pregnant.

The wife, smiling through it all, and making note of her own, significant (ass)ets, said it was not her fault and that she would be willing to continue the arrangement with the neighbor or another man or men in an effort to give her husband the child he wants.

Performance Art By Brooklyn Artist: Giving Birth Publicly To Her First Child In An Art Gallery

Brooklyn-based performance artist Marni Kotak, gave birth to her first child in front of a public audience at the Microscope Gallery in the Bushwick section of Brooklyn, New York, which was converted into a birthing room on Monday, Oct. 17, 2011. The birth was assisted by a midwife. Mother and child were reportedly in good condition, post partem.

Kotak is shown here advertising the upcoming performance at the gallery.

Seventeen spectators attended the free performance. No one fainted and there were no rain checks in case the fetus was uncooperative.

Kotak video recorded the birth to show to her son when he is older. Some psychologists think there is a chance her son may not want to see his mom in the nude during a blood bath that was his birth.

How To Speak Republican (aka Repugnican)

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating. Often, it seems as if they are speaking a different language -- and in many cases, they are! For this reason, in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, the following is a compilation of the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and their English translations, alphabetized for your convenience:

For some typical Republicans, see photos

America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1 in everything good.
Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been tried.
Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now only celebrated to see who can score the most expensive gifts.
Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
Coast (West): Another very bad coast inhabited by a lot of Democrats.
Communism: The incorrect belief espoused by Jesus Christ (see above.)
Condescending: Accurately informed.
Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately if not liked.
Corporations: Special persons who are ineligible for execution and can be re-organized when out of money.
Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't really matter.
Democrat: A political party.
Election: A method of selecting representatives of the people, no longer in use.
Elitist: Very Well Qualified.
Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
Evolution: A theory of human origins that is way out of line, ignores Jesus Christ and should not be taught in public schools.
Extremist (Liberal): One who espouses political beliefs that are held only by a large majority of Americans.
Fact: Information that has been posted to a RedState comment board.
Floozy: Republican wife or girlfriend
Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
Gut: Region of the body from which important decisions should be made.
Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment and gutter morality.
Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama despite the many similarities between them.
Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation techniques, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons in elementary schools and churches.
League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, an education from which automatically qualifies an individual for important political office.
Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot.
Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and perpetuated by New York Times columnist Paul Krugman.
Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear anything important.
Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
Muslims: Other brown people who have it coming.
News: News from Fox News
Obamacare: A Federally-mandated program to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
Organic: Something eaten by lesbians.
Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With or Without Representation."
Poll: A survey used to determine, within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right. Frequently flawed.
Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is thought to be guilty by 12 uninformed people who are not given all the facts.
Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse to white people.
Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on Moses.
Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous scientific system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his own personal Godless left-wing agenda.
Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
Socialism: An economic system invented by President Franklin Roosevelt.
Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue if they are lower for rich people.
Torture: A method of intensely painful, brutal interrogation not classified by the government as torture.
Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met cannot be compared.
Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of a mirror.
Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny they possess by hard work and the sweat of their brow with no government assistance.
Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, can be down.
Warming (Global): A carefully measured, anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
Yes: (no translation available)
No: Used as a substitute for yes.

Trucker Loses Brawl With 25 Million Bees

Oct 24 2011
BRIAN SKOLOFF - Associated Press

SALT LAKE CITY — Truck driver Louis Holst has never been scared of bees, but he's rethinking his next long-haul load a day after being swarmed by 25 million of the stinging insects.

Holst and his wife, Tammie, picked up 460 bee hives in South Dakota and were about 36 hours into their drive Sunday night when he hit a sharp bend in a construction zone on Interstate 15 in southern Utah. The twist in the road toppled his trailer and sent the bees into a frenzy.

"First responders came and drug me and my wife through the front window," Holst said Monday. "Then we panicked."

Swarmed by bees on the highway, Holst said he ripped off his shirt and began swatting the air. His wife ran.

"We just started swinging our clothes," he said. "They stung her all up and down her neck."

Authorities closed the southbound lanes of I-15 near St. George for several hours while area beekeepers headed to the scene to try to corral the insects. The road was reopened early Monday morning, and Holst said most of the bees were either dead or gone.

"Nobody was prepared for anything like that," he said.

At least two first responders also were stung at the scene, said Utah Highway Patrol Cpl. Todd Johnson.

Holst, 48, of Gig Harbor, Wash., said he got 10 stitches to close a gash on his forehead and was stung about a dozen times. His wife, too, suffered stings, bumps and bruises.

The 25 million bees were headed from Adee Honey Farms in Bruce, S.D., to near Bakersfield, Calif., where they stay for the winter before being used for pollination come spring, company co-owner Richard Adee said.

Assault By Frozen Armadillo

Oct. 2011

Dallas police are searching for a man who allegedly used a frozen armadillo to attack a woman who had been trying to buy the critter.

Unfrozen armadillo photo

Investigators told Fox 4 News-Dallas Fort Worth that the fight started in an apartment parking lot Sept. 29 when the suspect was selling the carcass to the alleged victim, who planned to eat it.

The pair were haggling over the price when police said the man hurled the armadillo at the 57-year-old woman twice. The woman was struck in her leg and chest, and suffered bruises, police said.

So far, investigators have been unable to track down the suspect, who they said could face assault by armadillo charges.

According to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Texas law prohibits the sale of live armadillos (the armadillo involved was frozen and thus presumably dead), but some Texans still savor the meat. Some developed a taste for armadillo during the Great Depression of the 1930s, when it was known as “Hoover Hog” and “poor man’s pork.”

However the 57-year-old woman wasn't born until 1954, two decades after the Great Depression so it is unlikely she acquired her taste for armadillo meat 20 years prior to her birth.

--Molly Hennessy-Fiske in Houston, who did not notice the apparent time disconnect.