Friday, December 31, 2010

Nuptials Announced


Two of Bizarre Stuff's Favorites Find True Love Hand in Hand

December 31, 2010

It is with great pleasure that we at Bizarre Stuff announce the joining of Murali Nookella, a 34-year-old computer programmer, and Vikki Myers, 44, a single mom. The two found each other via their stories on our website and knew this was a custom-made match. Readers may remember Vicki was arrested for pleasing herself in her van while Murali was arrested for spanking the monkey in an effort to join the "Mile Nigh" club.*

Murali was greatly gratified and Vicki seriously satisfied when the officiant opened the ceremony, saying "Please join your currently otherwise occupied hands and repeat after me." After passing the Handi-Wipes the two joined those now famous hands and exchanged vows. The guests at the reception avoided the traditional congratulatory hand-shaking greeting line and opted instead for some friendly waves.

The couple were to honeymoon in Vegas, but chose nostalgically to get off in Denver instead. The couple will reside in Florida.

*For readers unfamiliar with the "Mile Nigh" club, it is an alternative for those who wanted to join the "Mile High" club but just couldn't find anyone else to have sex with, so did it solo instead.

Englisch Verboten im Vaterland


German ministry cracks down on Anglicisms
(May crack down on Anglicans later)

By Ruppert Mayr, Deutsche Presse-Agentur

BERLIN — Germany's Transport Ministry has launched a crackdown on English-style words in the German language, handing out a list of more than 100 banned terms, it confirmed Wednesday.

Spokeswoman Sabine Mehwald confirmed that minister Peter Ramsauer, a conservative from the state of Bavaria, had appealed to his staff to preserve the German language, mainly protecting it from words of English origin. "There's no compulsion about it," she said.

In the latest revision of the list, staff members were told to stop writing "der laptop," and call the device "mobiler rechner," which means "mobile computer."

Staff members also were advised to always call a data projector a "datenprojektor" and to stop describing it with the faux English term "beamer," which is common in Germany and the Netherlands.

Ramsauer said later that he was less concerned about ordinary nouns which have no Germanic equivalent than he was about pretentious terms such as "inhouse meeting," which means the same as an everyday German expression "hausinterne besprechung."

But a motorists' organization, Auto Club Europa, called on the minister to instead focus on traffic law and reframe it in German instead of in "bureaucratese." ACE said parts of the road code used bureaucratic German that most Germans could not understand, so they just drive really fast instead.

Il y aura toujours d'un

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Man Relaxing On Plane Charged With Indecent Exposure


Getting Off In Denver
Programmer, 34, arrested for in-flight masturbation episode


MARCH 2, 2010--A Delaware man is facing a federal criminal charge after he was caught yesterday masturbating on a plane while seated next to a female passenger.

Murali Nookella, a 34-year-old computer programmer, was en route to Denver from Philadelphia on a Southwest Airlines flight when a woman noticed him 'fumbling underneath a blanket,' according to an affidavit sworn by FBI Agent Joel Nishida. The woman, identified only by her initials in the affidavit, said that Nookella's 'eyes were closed and his hands moved all around his groin area' underneath a 'mustard/gold blanket pulled up to his waist.'

As the woman packed up her belonging to move seats, she 'looked at Nookella and saw him holding his erect penis.' The woman said that Nookella remarked, 'You caught me.' Nookella held a napkin in his left hand, the woman told the FBI. According to Nishida's affidavit, a copy of which you'll find at left, the woman 'did not look but heard a swishing sound. She thought Nookella wiped something.'

Nookella's employer told TSG that he was headed to Denver on a work assignment. Nookella was named today in a misdemeanor criminal complaint charging him with indecent exposure. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $5000 fine.

The Tabasco Sauce Made Me Do It - Or Maybe Breakfast



Cops: Man exposed penis to teenage girl on SkyWest flight

Flier Blames Tabasco Sauce Spill On Penis For Lewd Act


DECEMBER 30, 2010

Arrested this week for allegedly masturbating while seated next to a teenage girl on an airplane flight, a 50-year-old suspect, Rafael Escamilla, told police that he was actually massaging and scratching himself because he had spilled Tabasco sauce on his penis.

Escamilla’s novel explanation for his alleged indecent exposure is contained in police reports detailing the December 26 incident on a SkyWest Airlines flight from Salt Lake City to Lewiston, Idaho. Escamilla, a Florida resident, was in Idaho visiting family.

The girl, a high school cheerleader who just turned 17, told cops that she was seated directly next to Escamilla, and had chatted briefly with him at the trip’s outset. Mid-flight, as she looked at prom dresses in Seventeen magazine, the teenager spotted something moving “out of the corner of my eye.”

In a handwritten statement, the girl recalled, “I looked over and I could clearly see the man’s penis going side to side under the tray table that was down.” Escamilla, she added, had one hand on his laptop (which was atop the tray table) and the other “under the tray table.” Escamilla is pictured in the above mug shot.

After waiting two to three minutes, the girl--who was traveling alone on the flight--got up to go to the bathroom. When she emerged, the teen sat next to a woman seated at the back of the plane, and told the woman that, “the guy that she was sitting with creeped her out.”

Upon arrival at Nez Perce County Regional Airport, the girl, upset and crying, told her father about what had transpired on the flight. The man contacted a Transportation Security Administration supervisor, who in turn summoned Lewiston Police Department officers.

When confronted by cops, Escamilla denied exposing himself. “I wasn’t out, I wasn’t hanging out,” he claimed. As reported by Officer Chris Reese, Escamilla “explained to me that he had spilled Tabasco sauce or something similar on his ‘penis’ and had an incredible itch.” He was rubbing his groin, Escamilla explained, “because it was the worst ‘itch in the world.’” Escamilla said he tried to be discreet by covering himself with his laptop, but that the girl must have “suspected something.”

During further questioning, Escamilla changed his Tabasco story, claiming that it “might” be from his breakfast that morning “as he did have Tabasco sauce with his eggs.” Asked why he did not just go to the bathroom to “take care of this problem,” Escamilla told Reese that he “didn’t feel that it would help.”

Reese noted that Escamilla used the words “rub” and “massage” to describe how he addressed the “incredible itch.” The cop reported that, “while I was speaking with [Escamilla], he never showed any obvious signs that he had an itch in this particular part of his body.”

Escamilla was then handcuffed and transported to the county jail, where the above mug shot was snapped. He was charged with a misdemeanor count of indecent exposure, and a District Court hearing was set for January 18.

According to an online biography, Escamilla is an accomplished physical therapist who holds a Ph.D. and has worked as a professor at Duke University and California State University. Escamilla currently is employed as the research director at the Florida orthopedics and sports medicine institute founded by Dr. James Andrews, the noted surgeon whose clientele has included Michael Jordan, Peyton Manning, Charles Barkley, Jack Nicklaus, Roger Clemens, and Drew Brees.

Sarah Palin Farts Way Into National Politics

On ABC Talk Show, Sarah Palin Farts Loudly

In an effort to cover her ignorance of the Bush doctrine of preemptive attack on alleged enemies, candidate Palin shut down the interview in a dignified manner by farting loudly. A poll of southern rednecks expressed approval of Palin's odoriferous comment, saying she was one of the people and reminded them of their own farting wives.

In a subsequent interview, Palin claimed she supported the Equal Rights Amendment and that women should have farting rights equal to those of men. She also blamed her own gastroenterologist.


Man Sentenced to Four Years Probation For Murder



Grandfather caps man because his dog urinated in "Pop's" yard

Dec. 30, 2010

A grandfather from suburban University Park was sentenced to four years of probation Wednesday for the fatal shooting of a 23-year-old man whose dog had urinated in his yard.

Charles Clements, 69, a former Marine who took great pride in his lawn, could have been sentenced to 20 years in prison for the incident, but Judge Daniel J. Rozak told the courtroom that the incident was not about dog urine on a lawn, the Chicago Tribune reports.

On May 9, Joshua Funches was walking his dog in the 500 block of Landau Road in the south suburb when his dog wandered into Clements' yard and relieved itself. Clements confronted Funches, and the 23-year-old pushed and punched Clements before a weapon was drawn.

The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

Clements didn't fire the weapon until after Funches cursed at him, then punched him in the face, according to testimony during his October trial.

Clements told police he shot Funches once in the abdomen because he feared the younger man would harm him.

The dog was not charged for urinating in the wrong place.

Pa. man stole video game from boy's casket


He's Just Making Sure You Can't Take It with You

Written by AP
PITTSBURGH (AP) 12/29/2010 8:24 AM

State police are trying to find a Pennsylvania man who they say stole a hand-held video game system and accessories from the casket of a teen who had been killed in an SUV crash on Christmas Day.

State police are not willing to comment beyond a brief news release issued Wednesday.

In the release, police say 38-year-old Jody Lynn Bennett, of Mentcle, grabbed the items from the casket of 17-year-old Bradley McCombs during a viewing Monday night at a Montgomery Township funeral home, about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.

The funeral home director and McCombs' mother aren't commenting. The suspect's aunt, Dianna Bennett, says her family is friends with the McCombs and are mortified by the theft. She tells The Associated Press she hopes police catch Bennett soon.

JOE MANDAK,Associated Press