Monday, December 27, 2010

Florida: Most Bizarre State in the U.S. - Maybe in the World*

Long noted for having the most bizarre residents and the most bizarre occurrences, Florida garnered the most bizarre state and most bizarre residents trophy (The Bizarro Awards)for the second consecutive year. The Bizarro Awards, first established about 10 minutes ago, are given annually (starting this year)to the most bizarre events per 100,000 residents, tourists, terrorists and rodeo clowns in any geographic locale on the planet, so long as it is within the lower continental U.S. (this rule was necessary to counter balance the Sarah Palin effect in Alaska and the tsunami/pineapple effect in Hawaii.)

A panel of 12 semi-conscious winos was assembled from street gutters in NYC, Los Angeles, New Orleans and the campus of Oral Roberts University in Tulsa. The panelists were sobered up and fed for 3 days before making their choices, after which they were returned to the gutter of their choice with a case of cheap red wine provided by the United Liquor Store Owners Assoc. (ULSOA)

Florida won in a close election, with 7 votes, to 5 for Utah and 2 abstentions.

A sample of the evidence for Florida considered by the panel of drunks is summarized as follows:

a) Floridians overwhelmingly committed more stupid crimes, made more poor decisions and behaved more bizarrely than any other group.

b) A female lawyer was denied access to her client in a Florida prison because her underwired bra set off the metal detector. When she removed the bra she was denied entrance because she was braless.

c) A 32 year-old man called 911 to report that his mother had taken away his beer.

d) A Manatee County man stopped by police for driving while black, claimed that the marijuana stuffed between his butt cheeks belonged to him but the crack cocaine in his crack had been stashed there by a friend.

e) A man leaving a bar was arrested for head butting a street preacher who called him a sinner.

f) A man killed his father with a knife in an argument about who would walk the dog.

g) A man was walking his Jack Russell terrier in Tampa when an alligator snatched it. He pulled a handgun and started shooting the gator. It let go of the dog, but the pet wasn't breathing until the man performed CPR and revived it.

h) Another dog in Hernando County ran over his owner with a pickup truck after jumping into the running vehicle and putting it in gear.

i) A bomb squad was sent to investigate a stuffed pony in Orange County which it blew up.

j. A street was blockaded for 3 hours until police were able to determine that a reported bomb with a flashing timer in the middle of the street was a restaurant pager. Several officers took the timer and went to eat dinner without having to wait.

k) Several people in Miami were sickened after eating mucus from a giant snail as part of a religious ceremony. No one was saved.

l) Would-be robbers knocked an 83-year-old man to the ground in Clearwater. They turned and ran when the victim pulled a gun, shooting one of them in the ass.

m) A 69-year-old woman turned back a robber after picking up the gun he dropped in her car while smashing her windshield with it. He also dropped his cell phone which was used by police to track him.

n) A Clay County woman was arrested after posting a photo of her baby with a bong on Facebook. The baby had to go cold turkey until mom was released from jail.

o) A family honoring a relative's dying wish buried him at sea, only to have the body resurface off a Fort Lauderdale beach. They were issued a citation for littering.

p) A Tampa-area couple paid $8 for a box of bones at a yard sale that they planned to use as Halloween decorations. When they got home and realized they had bought a real human skeleton they called police who took them in for questioning about a possible murder charge.

q) A 45 year-old man riding a motorcycle was arrested for DUI and riding naked. When asked by police, the man could not identify where he was going or where he came from.

And that's only a summary of the evidence presented in favor of Florida.

By comparison, Utah, which received 5 votes, was picked for having 50,000 child brides married to church elders who averaged 78 years of age, a total of 3,300,000 years, as compared to only 600,000 years for their brides, a difference of 2,700,000 years.

1 comment:

  1. Oh you have made my day... people look at me when I say what someone got for a sentence here in the state of FL. like I am joking... I just say "What you didn't hear its FLORIDA?!"