Saturday, April 30, 2011

Georgia Teacher Fails In Attempt To Give Students An Eyefull, With Third Eye

Cops, 'Enlightened' teacher arrested

APRIL 28--A teacher who stripped off his clothes and walked naked around a Georgia elementary school gave cops a New Age explanation for his behavior, claiming that he had achieved a “new level of enlightenment” and “wanted everybody to be free now that his third eye was open," according to a police report.

For allowing others to see his third eye last Friday afternoon at the B.C. Haynie Elementary School, Harlan Porter was charged with public indecency. The 31-year-old educator, pictured in the mug shot, was booked into the Clayton County Jail on the misdemeanor charge and released after posting $2000 bond.

Since Porter’s April 22 stroll--which came at about 3:20 PM--was not witnessed by any students, who had been dismissed, he avoided more serious charges.

After Porter told a Morrow Police Department officer about his enlightenment, the cop reported that, “I then explained the obvious problem with his third eye being opened in public.” While acknowledging that his education career would be damaged by the bust, Porter said that he still desired to teach, except “on a new level, with hands in the earth, gathering the essence and learning how to love one another and fully appreciate the spiritual realm.”

Police reported that Porter had “several books in his belongings that appeared to be on topics such as spirituality and transcendental meditation.”

According to cops, fellow teachers reported that Porter “did not drink sodas or other canned beverages and maintained a strict vegan diet” and was not known to take drugs or drink alcohol. “However on the date in question they noticed that he was drinking a coke and had gone to taco bell to get tacos for lunch,” reported Officer Khari Reed.

It is unknown what role, if any, the Mexican food may have played in Porter’s ill-advised decision to unveil his third eye, though Reed did note that the teacher “had recently learned that his employment contract would not be renewed.” Reed also reported that Porter had previously been “diagnosed schizophrenic,” though the school’s principal told cops the educator had never exhibited “strange behavior.”

Horny Kangaroo Upstages TV Announcer

Unabashed Kangaroo Pleasures Himself in Front of Audience

Somewhere, Somewhere
Date: Anytime

An unknown and unembarrassed Kangaroo put on a show for spectators listening to commentary from a TV announcer. It is unknown what the announcer was saying but clearly the Kangaroo was unimpressed.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

King Solomon: Don't Split the Baby, Split the House

NYC couple who split house with wall get divorce---after six years

Apr 28 2011

KAREN MATTHEWS - Associated Press

NEW YORK — A feuding couple who built a wall through their house because neither husband nor wife would give it up were granted a divorce after six years and hundreds of thousands of dollars in attorneys' fees.

But the legal battles may not be over for Simon and Chana Taub, whom the media likened to Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner's warring spouses in the 1989 film "The War of the Roses."

Chana Taub is unhappy with the judge's order to sell the divided Brooklyn house, plus two others, and split the proceeds with her soon-to-be ex-husband, said her lawyer, Neil Iovino. She plans to appeal.

"She's now in a position to be dispossessed," Iovino said. "She was most upset that the properties in her name and especially the property she lives in should be sold."

Simon Taub's attorney, Abe Konstam, said Chana Taub has a history of filing frivolous legal actions.

"Everything has been dismissed, time and time again, and she comes back for more," Konstam said. "At some point this has to come to an end."

The wall dividing the Taubs' three-story brownstone in the Borough Park neighborhood is one of the more unusual aspects of their protracted divorce.

In August 2005, a judge said Simon Taub, whom Chana had forced out of the house, could move back in after building the wall. Chana Taub appealed and managed to prevent construction. An appeals panel then allowed the wall, which went up in December 2006.

The wall separates the first-floor living room from a staircase inside the Taubs' three-story rowhouse. She had the top floor and part of the second floor. He got the first floor and part of the second. A second-floor door is barricaded on both sides so that they don't run into each other.

Chana Taub still lives in her portion of the house, Iovino said. Konstam said Simon Taub lives on his side as well.

Shocking Economic News Alert - Unbelievable News, in Fact

U.S. Economic Growth Slows to 1.8% Rate in First Quarter

April 28, 2011

Man demonstrates where economic forecasts belong

In a stunning news release it was revealed that the American economy slowed to a crawl in the first quarter. For no demonstrable reason economists are hopeful the huge setback will be only temporary.

Total output grew at an annual pace of 1.8 percent last quarter, the Commerce Department said Thursday, after having expanded at an annualized rate of 3.1 percent at the end of 2010. Most economists had forecast growth of 2 percent in the first quarter, based on herd mentality.

The shocking disparity of two tenths of one percent sent many economists reeling, with some retreating to their back offices to try to recalculate the numbers or recalibrate their computer programs to push the rate down to the Commerce department's 1.8 percent. At least one Wall Street economic forecaster leaped to her death from the window of her 40th floor office when the news was announced. Her own personal forecast had been for 2.1 percent, effectively ending her forecasting career, according to sources unfamiliar with the woman or the economy. "You just don't make a 3/10ths of one percent mistake and live to tell about it in this profession," said one veteran forecaster, whose own forecast, 2.0 percent, was squarely in line with the herd forecast, thus preserving his own overpaid job.

The female forecaster, whose identity was being withheld while company officials searched for her name in company personnel files, was said to have been distraught for several weeks at the prospect of losing her overpaid, $375,000 a year sinecure for doing essentially nothing other than running a computer program invented by someone else and bought and paid for by her employer. But she did hold a Ph.D. from Yale.

She had misplaced a decimal point whilst copying numbers from a computer print out, leading to an overstatement of more than $5 billion in net profits for her employer in the fourth quarter of 2010.

"She already was toast over the decimal point," said one of her colleagues and best friend, who is slated to move up to her vacant position now that she has offed herself. "Bad forecast for her, good job opportunity for me," said her former friend.

The economic slowdown was largely attributable to Donald Trump's off-the-wall claims that President Barrack Obama is not the legitimate president of the U.S., leading to a loss of confidence in U.S. manufactured products and a resulting widening trade deficit, due to foreign governments' loss of confidence in America and in federal government spending and higher commodity prices, which reduced the amount of pocket money that households and businesses had available to spend, even though none of the above made any sense whatsoever.

A veteran Wall Street investment banker, who now is an alcoholic living on skid row in the Bowery, said "there was no telling what the hell was going on anywhere by anyone and that the forecasts were little more than a crap shoot, using real crap," i.e. human feces. He said all economic forecasts belonged in the crapper.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Donald Trump Revealed As Blithering Idiot

Donald 'The Chump' Trump publicly humiliated again

April 27, 2011

Donald Trump, the scumbag NYC real estate scam artist, was revealed today to be the low-life blithering idiot and attention grabber he is when President Barrack Obama's official birth certificate was revealed once again (it's been freely available for anyone with an IQ of greater than 80, which apparently is higher than that of the Chump Trump, for 3 years) to the American news media and the public in a time wasting exercise in futility caused by loudmouth Donald's strident screaming and posturing for a suck up media that knows better.

Trump, who is 3/4 idiot and 1/4 imbecile, appeared with egg dripping from his face, but still tried to put on a show by claiming the President's birth certificate, certified by the Hawaiian state government, could be a fake document and that he, the Chump Trump, would like to examine it himself, utilizing his vast forensic expertise, acquired by shooting off his mouth while fondling his own crotch.

Trump should be sued by the federal government on behalf of the American people, for the costs of disproving his hare brained claims, advanced solely to garner publicity for his own imbecilic run at becoming a candidate for the presidency in 2012, on the Stupid Party ticket.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The $223 Boob Flash

Meet Andrea Musser, breast flasher

The 19-year-old Ohio woman was arrested Tuesday night for exposing her breasts outside a jail she had just exited following a visit with a male inmate.

Jail personnel observed Musser waving and calling up to someone inside the Erie County lockup. She then lifted up her shirt and exposed her breasts, presumably for the benefit of her 19-year-old incarcerated friend (and perhaps some of his fellow inmates).

Musser was nabbed outside the jail’s fenced perimeter. She pleaded guilty yesterday to public indecency and received a 10-day suspended jail sentence. She was also fined $223.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Gideon Stepped Out & Berkowitz Stepped In - Meet Adam n Steve

Pink Cross Publishing: A gay-friendly bible in every motel room

April 19, 2011 by Dead Serious News

Adam and Steve Pink Cross Publishing, flush with cash after the success of their gay-friendly bible, has promised to put a copy of the controversial book in every motel room in North America.

Maury Berkowitz, the owner of Pink Cross Publishing, has an ambitious plan. “Our gay-friendly bible will be resting comfortably with Gideon’s bible in the nightstand of your motel room by the end of the year,” states Berkowitz. “We’ve been picketed by Christian groups and that has only emboldened our efforts.”

Motel chains are reluctant to put the gay-friendly bible in their rooms due to mounting pressure from conservative Christian groups. Berkowitz plans to sue any motel chain that bars the gay-friendly bible from their rooms. “We have sold enough gay-friendly bibles to be able to give away hundreds of thousands of them to motel chains, as well as fund our legal efforts to ensure the books are accepted,” added Berkowtiz.

A children’s version of the gay-friendly bible is in the works, but it will not be for sale. “Our children’s bible will be donated to schools and public libraries across the United States,” according to Berkowitz.

Brit Shot From Cannon - Dies

Human cannonball dies in UK stunt accident

Apr 25 2011 03:37PM CST

LONDON — British police say a man has died after a safety net gave way during a human cannonball performance at a "daredevil" stunt show in southern England.
Lock and load left

A human cannonball enters the barrel moments before he died after a safety net failed during the stunt at the Kent County Showground in Detling, south eastern England, Monday April 25, 2011. The accident happened during a show put on by Scott May's Daredevil Stunt Show which has been touring in the United Kingdom since 1991 and features motorbike and monster truck stunts. Police said that the 23-year-old man's next of kin have been informed but he has yet to be formally identified. (AP Photo/PA, Rob Hutchinson)

The other photo of the blue cannon is the way things were supposed to have gone. No clue whether the same 23-year-old was the man in the earlier, successful shot.

Police in Kent said Monday the show was canceled after the 23-year-old died.

They said they believe the death was caused by the safety net "failing to engage," but did not provide further details.

"Scott May's Daredevil Stuntshow" said on its Website that all shows have been canceled "due to unforeseen circumstances."

The show has toured the U.K. since 1991, and features Monster Truck destruction, car-crushing and crashes, fire stunts and the human cannonball. Over the years there have been several human cannonballs but this is the first to die, according to an unidentified spokesperson, who also said this would make recruiting for the open position a bit more difficult.

"Hear the twisting metal of the car crashes... Smell the burning rubber of the full throttle motorcycle stunts," the website promises. There is nothing about seeing the death of the human cannonball. That would have bumped attendance substantially.

Sexual Predator Alligator On The Prowl

Alligator finds its way into Fla. woman's bathroom

Apr 25 2011

PALMETTO, Fla. — A Tampa-area woman found an unwelcome weekend guest in her bathroom _ a 7-foot alligator.

Alexis Dunbar says she screamed and the alligator hissed when she found it inside the bathroom of her home Saturday afternoon. Her boyfriend propped a small table by the bathroom to keep the gator inside until an officer from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission showed up to take him away.

Police were also summoned to question Dunbar because of recent reports of bestiality in and around the Tampa area. Several cases of sexual assault of wild animals by humans have been reported in the past year. "These animals are defenseless against their more clever human counterparts who can control the animals more easily with special tools," said an unidentified man who declined to identify himself.

Dunbar believes the male alligator used a doggie door on the back porch to get inside the house. She indicated she would be putting a bolted lock on the doggie door from now on. She lives in Palmetto, which is south of St. Petersburg.

Spring is mating season for alligators and wildlife officials urge people to be extremely cautious, especially around water. The gator could have sexually assaulted Dunbar had she been alone. Her scream was probably interpreted as a mating call by the gator although the hiss was an indicator of disapproval of the woman by the horny gator. "He probably didn't find Dunbar to be that attractive," said an unidentified wildlife official who declined to be quoted.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Swiss Get Noses Out of Joint

Swiss flock to watch giant stinking flower bloom

Apr 23 2011

Visitors gaze in shock and awe at a blooming Titan Arum (amorphophallus titanum), pictured in the botanical garden of the university of Basel, in Basel, Switzerland, Saturday, April 23, 2011. Thousands of plant lovers have flocked to the northern Swiss city of Basel to see a giant, stinky flower bloom for the first time in 17 years. The Basel Botanical Gardens expects 10,000 people to view its stinking corpse flower, in full glory before the bloom wilts late Saturday or Sunday.

(AP Photo/Keystone, Georgios Kefalas)

GENEVA — Thousands of plant lovers have flocked to the northern Swiss city of Basel, some from as far away as Zimbabwe, to see a giant, stinky flower bloom for the first time. The stench from the foul smelling flower is expected to sicken hundreds who have queasy stomachs. Janitors are prepared with extra mops and buckets of sudsy water to clean up after the barfing visitors.

It was rumored that Prince William and Kate might pop over for a quick throw-up but this could not be confirmed by the British government, the royal family or Scotland Yard.

The Basel Botanical Gardens expects 10,000 other people to see its amorphophallus titanum, or corpse flower, in full glory before the bloom wilts late Saturday or Sunday. The plant is 17 years old and has never bloomed before.

Visitors haven't been deterred by the strong stench of rotting flesh the flower emits to attract insects for pollination. Wearing face masks and flowery smelling handkerchiefs, the visitors braved the foul odor for a glimpse of the foul flower.

The 6.6-feet (2-meter) tall flower is native to the Indonesian island of Sumatra and the last one to bloom in Switzerland was 75 years ago.

Worldwide, there have been only 134 recorded blooms from artificial cultivation.

It is widely believed, (well, by a dozen or so people) that secret, cult bloomings are held for which stench fanciers pay 1,000s of termite free rupees to get their fill of the hideous odor. Idi Amin, Cjharles Taylor and Charles Manson have been reported as attending these clandestine smell-offs.

The Sumatran government has attempted to shut down these stink shows, as they are called, for no good reason. When pressed for an explanation a highly placed Sumatran public official who was unauthorized to speak, said, "Just because." She was later executed.



Keeping His Tool Cool

Man puts shrimp in pants, strikes guard, police say

Mar. 28, 2011 Associated Press

DOVER, Pa. - A central Pennsylvania man faces robbery and assault charges after he stuffed a bag of frozen shrimp down his pants and attacked a grocery store security guard.

Northern York County Regional Police say 37-year-old Brian McDaniel was spotted hiding the shrimp in his pants and struck a security guard who tried to stop him inside a grocery store Thursday in Dover Township. The guard sustained minor injuries.

McDaniel was caught in the store's parking lot by the security guard who pursued him and a bystander. He is being held on $10,000 bail.

It was not immediately clear if McDaniel had an attorney.

It was not immediately clear if McDaniel had a brain.

Read more:

Bizarre Stuff Feature Article

April 17, 2011 by Associated Press

Super Rich See Federal Taxes Drop Dramatically

Here at BizarreStuff we normally confine ourselves to the banal, day-to-day bizarre actions of individuals and businesses with limited means and limited intelligence. So when a guy starts making out with a vacuum hose at the local car wash it gets our editors' attention.

But when the bizarre gets so bizarre, so outlandish as to defy the imagination and so disastrous for the nation and the rest of us ordinary folks, BizarreStuff takes on a more serious note, if only for Easter Sunday.

Read this and pray (not literally, but in your own way of pleading).

BizarreStuff's Editors

Stephen Ohlemacher

WASHINGTON – As millions of procrastinators scramble to meet Monday's tax filing deadline, ponder this: The super rich pay a lot less taxes than they did a couple of decades ago, and nearly half of U.S. households pay no income taxes at all.

The Internal Revenue Service tracks the tax returns with the 400 highest adjusted gross incomes each year. The average income on those returns in 2007, the latest year for IRS data, was nearly $345 million. Their average federal income tax rate was 17 percent, down from 26 percent in 1992.

Over the same period, the average federal income tax rate for all taxpayers declined to 9.3 percent from 9.9 percent.

The top income tax rate is 35 percent, so how can people who make so much pay so little in taxes? The nation's tax laws are packed with breaks for people at every income level. There are breaks for having children, paying a mortgage, going to college, and even for paying other taxes. Plus, the top rate on capital gains is only 15 percent.

There are so many breaks that 45 percent of U.S. households will pay no federal income tax for 2010, according to estimates by the Tax Policy Center, a Washington think tank.

"It's the fact that we are using the tax code both to collect revenue, which is its primary purpose, and to deliver these spending benefits that we run into the situation where so many people are paying no taxes," said Roberton Williams, a senior fellow at the center, which generated the estimate of people who pay no income taxes.

The sheer volume of credits, deductions and exemptions has both Democrats and Republicans calling for tax laws to be overhauled. House Republicans want to eliminate breaks to pay for lower overall rates, reducing the top tax rate from 35 percent to 25 percent. Republicans oppose raising taxes, but they argue that a more efficient tax code would increase economic activity, generating additional tax revenue.

President Barack Obama said last week he wants to do away with tax breaks to lower the rates and to reduce government borrowing. Obama's proposal would result in $1 trillion in tax increases over the next 12 years. Neither proposal included many details, putting off hard choices about which tax breaks to eliminate.

In all, the tax code is filled with a total of $1.1 trillion in credits, deductions and exemptions, an average of about $8,000 per taxpayer, according to an analysis by the National Taxpayer Advocate, an independent watchdog within the IRS.

More than half of the nation's tax revenue came from the top 10 percent of earners in 2007. More than 44 percent came from the top 5 percent. Still, the wealthy have access to much more lucrative tax breaks than people with lower incomes.

Obama wants the wealthy to pay so "the amount of taxes you pay isn't determined by what kind of accountant you can afford."

Eric Schoenberg says to sign him up for paying higher taxes. Schoenberg, who inherited money and has a healthy portfolio from his days as an investment banker, has joined a group of other wealthy Americans called United for a Fair Economy. Their goal: Raise taxes on rich people like themselves.

Shoenberg, who now teaches a business class at Columbia University, said his income is usually "north of half a million a year." But 2009 was a bad year for investments, so his income dropped to a little over $200,000. His federal income tax bill was a little more than $2,000.

"I simply point out to people, `Do you think this is reasonable, that somebody in my circumstances should only be paying 1 percent of their income in tax?'" Schoenberg said.

Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, said he has a solution for rich people who want to pay more in taxes: Write a check to the IRS. There's nothing stopping you.

"There's still time before the filing deadline for them to give Uncle Sam some more money," Hatch said.

Schoenberg said Hatch's suggestion misses the point.

"This voluntary idea clearly represents a mindset that basically pretends there's no such things as collective goods that we produce," Schoenberg said. "Are you going to let people volunteer to build the road system? Are you going to let them volunteer to pay for education?"

The law is packed with tax breaks that help narrow special interests. But many of the biggest tax breaks benefit millions of American families at just about every income level, making them difficult for politicians to touch.

The vast majority of those who escape federal income taxes have low and medium incomes, and most of them pay other taxes, including Social Security and Medicare taxes, property taxes and retail sales taxes.

The share of people paying no federal income tax has dropped slightly the past two years. It was 47 percent for 2009. The main difference for 2010 was the expiration of a tax break that exempted the first $2,400 of unemployment benefits from taxation, Williams said.

In 2009, nearly 35 million taxpayers got a tax break for paying interest on their home mortgages, and nearly 36 million taxpayers took the $1,000-per-child tax credit. About 41 million households reduced their federal income taxes by deducting state and local income and sales taxes from their taxable income.

About 36 million families cut their taxes by nearly $35 billion by deducting charitable donations, and 28 million taxpayers saved a total of $24 billion because their income from Social Security and railroad pensions was untaxed.

"As a matter of policy, there would be a lot of ways to save money and actually make these things work better," said Leonard Burman, a public affairs professor at Syracuse University. "As a matter of politics, it's really, really difficult."
© 2011 Associated Press

Friday, April 22, 2011

Does Your Penguin Squeal When Tickled?

April 22, 2011

Baby Penguin Squeals When Tickled By Employee

Life doesn't get much cuter than watching a Little Penguin -- unless you're watching a Little Penguin being tickled... and wait until you see the reaction!

In this adorable video, "Cookie" the penguin gets tickled at the Cincinnati Zoo. Cookie is a Little Penguin (the smallest species of penguin), and is reportedly the mascot of the Zoo Bird House.

He has a bandage on his foot because he has a disease known as "bumblefoot" and needs his sock changed daily.

According to The L.A. Times, Little Penguins (also known as Blue penguins or Fairy penguins) are native to Australia and New Zealand.

The tickler is Patricia Sund, who filmed the video while working at the zoo as a guest keeper to perform research for her book and blog, "Parrot Nation." While the original video was posted to YouTube over a year ago, this new, shorter clip has recently been making the rounds, surging in popularity across the Internet.

Penis Museum in Iceland Gets First Human Penis To Add To Collection

Iceland's Penis Museum Gets Human Specimen For Display After Man Dies

Penis Museum Iceland

LONDON -- In life, Pall Arason was an attention-seeker. In death, the 95-year-old Icelander's pickled penis will be the main attraction at one of the world's most bizarre museums.

Sigurdur Hjartarson, who runs the Phallological Museum in the tiny Icelandic fishing town of Husavik, says Arason's organ will help complete his extensive collection of whale, seal, bear, and other mammalian members.

The museum has been open since 1997 but Hjartarson has long waited for a human specimen to round out his display.

Hjartarson says that Arason, a friend, agreed to help by having his penis donated after his death. It's a pity he had to die but a great benefit to the museum which somehow seemed lacking without a human member. At 95, Arason's pickled penis still looks ship shape and ready to go. One of Hjartarson's biggest concerns is that someone will attempt to steal the penis. It would make a perfectly good dildo and might prove to be an irrisistible attraction.

The medical director of Akureyri Hospital said Tuesday that the operation was carried out in January under the supervision of a doctor at a local morgue.

No photos of the new exhibit were immediately available but the human penis promises to become on of the museums center pieces.


Termite Feast in Indian Bank

Termites eat millions of Indian rupees in bank

Apr 22 2011

Termites assembled around banquet table. Show us the money.

LUCKNOW, India — It was an all you can eat buffet at the bank.

An army of termites munched through 10 million rupees ($222,000) in currency notes stored in a steel chest at a bank, police in northern India said Friday.

The bank manager discovered the damage when he opened the reinforced room in an old bank building on Wednesday, police officer Navneet Rana told The Associated Press.

"It's a matter of investigation how termites attacked bundles of currency notes stacked in a steel chest," he said. The money was put in the chest in January.

The termites had damaged bank furniture and documents in the past.

The police have registered a case of negligence against bank officials in Barabanki, a town 20 miles (30 kilometers) southwest of Lucknow, the Uttar Pradesh state capital. In India, police register a case before opening an investigation.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

An American Lunatic

What you are about to see in this clip is an obviously disturbed young man with a vaguely East European accent, who, armed with a huge arsenal of deadly firepower, including the infamous SAW gun employed by U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan and used to commit fratricide by killing Pfc Pat Tillman by 'friendly' fire, in April, 2004, is inexplicably attacking U.S. soil somewhere for no discernible reason. Pfc Tillman's death has never been successfully explained by the U.S. military but instead was the subject of elaborate schemes to cover up the incident to this day.

Jon Krakauer, the noted adventure writer, got closer to the mystery of Pat Tillman's death than anyone to date in his compelling book, Where Men When Glory.

Biggest Fraud Conviction Ever?

Jury convicts exec in $3B mortgage fraud case

Apr 19 2011 06:03PM CST

MATTHEW BARAKAT - AP Business Writer
AP Photo/Marion County Sheriff)

This photo provided by the Marion County, Fla. Sheriff's Office shows Lee Bentley Farkas. A jury on Tuesday, April 19, 2011 convicted Farkas, the majority owner of what had been one of the nation's largest mortgage companies, on all 14 counts in a $3 billion fraud trial that officials have said is one of the most significant prosecutions to arise from the nation's financial crisis.

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — A jury on Tuesday convicted the majority owner of what had been one of the nation's largest mortgage companies on all 14 counts in a $2.9 billion fraud trial that officials have said is one of the most significant prosecutions to arise from the nation's financial crisis.

Prosecutors said Lee Farkas led a fraud scheme of staggering proportions for roughly eight years as chairman of Florida-based Taylor Bean & Whitaker. The fraud not only caused the company's 2009 collapse and put its 2,000 employees out of work, but also contributed to the collapse of Alabama-based Colonial Bank, the sixth-largest bank failure in U.S. history.

The jury returned its verdict late Tuesday after more than a full day of deliberations.

Colonial and two other major banks _ Deutsche Bank and BNP Paribas _ were collectively cheated out of nearly $3 billion, prosecutors estimated. Farkas and his cohorts _ six of whom entered guilty pleas to related charges and testified against him at the two-week trial in U.S. District Court _ also tried to fraudulently obtain more than $500 million in taxpayer-funded relief from the government's bank bailout program, the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP).

While TARP at one point gave conditional approval to a payment of roughly $550 million, ultimately neither Taylor Bean nor Colonial received any TARP money, and investigators from that office, along with the FBI and other agencies, helped uncover the fraud.

Neil Barofsky, who recently resigned as TARP's special inspector general, has called the Farkas case "the most significant criminal prosecution to date rising out of the financial crisis."

In a conference call Tuesday evening with reporters, the Justice Department's criminal division chief, Lanny Breuer, said Farkas was "one of the masterminds in one of the largest bank frauds in history" and that his misconduct "poured fuel on the fire of the financial crisis."

"TBW was a major, major player in this industry," perhaps the second largest in the country depending on how it is measured, Breuer said.

Farkas testified in his own defense at the trial and claimed he did nothing wrong. He claimed he was unfamiliar with details or knowledge of many aspects of the various fraud schemes, testimony prosecutors derided as incredible in their closing arguments.

Farkas' lawyer, Bruce Rogow, said the six executives at Colonial and Taylor Bean who struck plea deals skewed their testimony to bolster the government's case in the hope of receiving lighter prison sentences for their cooperation. Rogow said Farkas and everyone else at Taylor Bean was working honestly and ethically to get control of its finances and perhaps could have done the job if the government hadn't essentially shut the company down when it raided company headquarters in 2009.

Weird Al Does Lady Gaga

What could be more bizarre on BizarreStuff than Weird Al doing Lady Gaga? Weird All tried to get the Gaga's permission to do this song on his album but the diva declined. So under the fair use parody doctrine, Weird Al put it on You Tube and we, under the same fair use parody doctrine are putting it here. That should create enough confusion to cause a herd of copyright gurus to lose their marbles.

Oh, and here's ole Weird Al himself. Say hello to Weird Al.

Prospective Nun Raped in Denver Airport

Woman says she was raped in Denver airport as employees walked past


DENVER (AP) — A woman who missed a connecting flight at Denver International Airport said she was raped in a deserted concourse by a man she met at an airport bistro while two janitors passed by and did nothing.

Officers arrested Noel Alexander Bertrand, 26, of Portland, Ore., early Tuesday after two airline employees on the tarmac saw the attack through a window and called for help, Denver television stations KMGH and KDVR reported.

Bertrand was being held on suspicion of assault and felony sexual assault with bail set at $10,000. He was expected to claim consensual sex.

The 22-year-old woman said she was flying from Oregon to Illinois on Monday to interview at a convent and decided to spend the night at the airport when she struck up a conversation with the man.

The woman said Bertrand followed her after the bistro closed at midnight. He asked to kiss her, and she refused, but he moved in anyway and then threw her to the floor. The woman said the man pulled her pants down and assaulted her for about 10 minutes. It was not made clear whether the woman was a virgin or if the man ejaculated during the attack.

During the assault, two airport janitors passed by and said nothing, according to the woman, whose name was withheld in accordance with standard news reporting policy.

Airport spokeswoman Jenny Schiavone told the Denver Post that a security guard called 911 and detained Bertrand until police arrived.

A woman who said she is Bertrand’s grandmother answered the phone at his Portland home Tuesday and said he is in Denver. She said her grandson is a former U.S. Marine, for some inexplicable reason, but declined further comment.

Another airport spokeswoman, Laura Coale, told KMGH that the airport was investigating whether any employees failed to report the attack.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

When Corkscrews Run Wild

THEY come in all shapes and sizes. Most often, they can be found stuffed into kitchen drawers alongside potato mashers, melon ballers and other seldom-used essentials of the kitchen. Wine lovers take them for granted, except when nobody can find one. Call a Boy Scout! He’s sure to be prepared with a handy multifunction pocket knife that includes one.

Tony Cenicola/The New York Times and the Editors of BizarreStuff

We're talking about corkscrews, which, despite the screw cap, remain indispensable for achieving access to many wines. But would you pay $410 for one? For the overwhelming majority of wines drunk everywhere that's about 51 times more than the cost of the wine. Would you be willing to pay 51 times the cost of an egg for an egg turner?

But eggs don't have the same cachet as wine, nor the same snob appeal. So forking over enough cash for a nice dinner for 4 at a good quality restaurant, including average wines, doesn't seem to phaze some cognoscenti. When people pay hundreds of dollars for a mediocre bottle of mediocre Champagne, why not spring for the Australian Code-38 corkscrew that sells for anywhere from $220 to $410.

So take a look at these beauties and try to decide if any of them are worth foregoing that $220 bottle of Monterrey Valley Talbott you've been lusting for.

In restaurants the world over, sommeliers rely overwhelmingly on a simple, handy device known as the waiter’s friend or, sometimes, as the wine key. Essentially a knifelike handle with a spiral worm for inserting into the cork and a hinged fulcrum for resistance, the waiter’s friend has largely stood the test of time, with modest tweaks and improvements, since it was patented in Germany in 1882. Basic versions go for less than $10.

No product, though, no matter how successful, is immune to the fertile imagination of industrial designers. Enter the Code-38, in which the waiter’s friend is re-engineered, using the highest principles of design and top-flight materials. What does that get you? Not much.

Sure The Code-38 offers the satisfying, solid heft of a fine tool. It feels good in the hand, like a well-balanced kitchen knife, and it inspires a sort of confidence that lasts for about 2 minutes. Then you realize the old lever pull in striking black and brushed chrome made in China your daughter gave you for Christmas 6 years ago, which cost the outrageous price of $29.95, will still do the trick as easily if not more so than the $220 model.

Just to be sure you took the latest tool to your old friend Stanislaw, a restaurateur and wine expert to get a professional opinion. He liked it well enough, especially the way it felt in the hand, but paused when I told him what it cost.

“What, $220?” he said. “That's like paying $200 for a hamburger. It’s like reinventing something that’s already perfect.”

He was quite happy with his waiter’s friend, a French model, the Cartailler-Deluc, which sells for under $30. I think I'll stick with my lever model and my inexpensive waiter's friend, which I think I picked up free at a liquor store, as a backup

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Enraged Spouse Attacks And Severely Beats Wife In Judge's Chambers

Man Savagely Attacks Wife in Judge's Chambers

April 19, 2011

Substitute Battered Woman

Catherine Scott-Gonzalez, 23, says she tried to get a restraining order against her husband, Paul, but couldn't persuade a court to issue one.

However, police say he attacked her in a Florida judge's chambers Friday, leaving her with two black eyes, broken facial bones and split lips, and he is now jailed in lieu of $1 million bond on a felony battery charge, reports WSVN.

"Rarely in my career have I set a bond in this amount or even approaching it, but the allegations are indeed extremely serious and shocking," said a bond court judge after the incident in Broward County Circuit Judge Ronald Rothschild's chambers in Fort Lauderdale.

Bailiffs reportedly used a stun gun on 28-year-old Paul Henry Gonzalez Jr. A lawyer for his wife said Gonzalez became enraged and attacked her after a judge ordered him to pay child support and set visitation terms.

After storming out, Gonzalez came back in shouting, retreated, and then re-entered Rothschild's chambers a second time and went straight for Scott-Gonzalez, rushing up to her from behind and punching her with closed fists, reports the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, based on information from attorney Michael Dunleavy and a police report.

Dunleavy intervened and held Gonzalez in a bear hug until authorities arrived, the newspaper says.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The $6,300 Dump - The Line Forms At Your Rear

Kohler Numi 'smart toilet': The royal flush or the royal shaft?

Standard flush toilet $169
Kohler Royal Flush toilet $6,300

Give your ass a treat or a treatment?

Edward C. Baig, USA TODAY

When nature calls, most of us head to the nearest toilet to do our business. If the bathroom has the Kohler Numi that launches in the U.S. at the end of the month, you might be tempted to hang out awhile, maybe make a life there.

The customizable "smart toilet" lets you adjust seat position, water temperature and pressure, ambient lighting, even audio. Numi not only has a built-in music system with rear speakers, but also an FM radio and audio input jack for an MP3 player.

It has an adjustable heated seat and foot warmer too, plus an integrated stainless steel, self-cleaning bidet wand with a dryer. A motion-controlled seat and lid can automatically open when you approach and close when you split.

Tripping a bar of light on the floor to the side of the toilet automatically raises the seat, while the toilet automatically flushes when walking away.

There are a couple of flush cycles: a water efficient "eco" flush that uses .6 gallons per flush or a full flush at 1.28 gallons. And flushing is extremely quiet so you don't miss a single riff by your favorite guitarist.

The attractive toilet sports a minimalist design. It comes in white or biscuit colors, and it includes a removable handheld touch-screen remote control that lets you control various settings for up to 6 individual users and in a dozen different languages. (Numi has already been introduced in some Asian markets.) You can recharge the remote's lithium ion battery and store it in a wall-mounted dock. The toilet itself plugs into an electrical outlet.

What might make your stomach growl is the $6,300 list price, only 40 times the price of an ordinary toilet. David Kohler, the President and Chief Operating Officer of the Wisconsin-based business, acknowledges that Numi is priced "at the top of the market." But he says, "the luxury market's coming back in this country and (is) very strong in other parts of the world. This product is targeted at those consumers who want the best -- they want the latest in design and technology (and) want a fashion statement in their home. They can invite their friends and guests to gather round the toilet for cocktails and small talk about their high fashion crapper.

David Kohler says Numi has been under development for five years. Five years of wasted time, energy and engineering talent to produce a toilet no one can afford and if they can they should donate the money to homeless shelters instead. Kohler expressed shock and awe to learn there are 1,000's of homeless shelters in America. He offered to donate 100 standard factory seconds for the shelters.

Might video come next? Kohler recently took the lid off another product in China with an "entertainment remote" that provides Skype and streaming video. A non-Kohler spokesman said the next market is to bring the conference room into the toilet. Conferees can switch places on the crapper without losing their train of thought. It could revolutionize business meetings, most of which are a lot of crap to begin with. Why not make it official?

What's next? The Royal Two-Seater - Side By Side Conferencing

Lady Gaga Does Judas...And the Church

New Gaga song shocks religious leaders - Hallelujah
Which of these two entertainers dresses most outrageously?

Allison Maxwell, USA TODAY (for the basic crap) and the Editors of BizarreStuff

Lady Gaga released Judas, her second single from Born This Way, yesterday, and already religious leaders are in a tizzy, reports The Daily Mail.

In the song, Gaga sings that she is in love with Judas, the traitor who betrayed Jesus Christ. In the video, she reportedly portrays Mary Magdalene and actor Norman Reedus stars as Judas. Judas needed love like everyone else so what's the gripe?

Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, told that the star is using shock tactics to advance her career, while acknowledging that this is a common practice of every entertainer and of the Catholic Church itself.

The Pope is always humping for some press time and dresses in ornate garb and a gold crown to call attention to his holiness, i.e., he is full of holes.

A quick survey of everyone available (my Labrados) thought the Pope's attire was more shocking than that of the entertainer. "An old man, dressing like that," said a spokesit for Gaga, "and he wants to talk about shocking? Gimme a break."

The Pope could not be reached for comment as he was hosting a nude bathe-in for a group of young male aspirants to the priesthood, in Salerno.

Donahue, an aspiring pedophile, wants to train for the priesthood himself, to provide greater access to young boys, according to an unidentified friend of a homeless man who asked to remain anonymous. His name is Hieronymous Blickle.

"This is a stunt...Lady Gaga tries to continue to shock Catholics and Christians in general: she dresses as a nun... she swallows the rosary. She has now morphed into a caricature of herself," he told

When asked to define caricature, Donahue was stumped. He did know that Rome is in Italy, however.

Meet Stanislaw Jarmolowixz An American Folk Hero - Or, The Day the Music Died

APRIL 12--A California man who used a shotgun to blast the speaker on his son’s stereo will not be facing criminal charges, according to prosecutors. The man told cops he destroyed the speaker because his 24-year-old son--an aspiring DJ--“was playing his ‘disco’ too loud.”

Stanislaw Jarmolowicz, 53, was arrested last week on suspicion of shooting at or into a building. Jarmolowicz, pictured in the mug shot, spent about two days in the Yuba County jail before posting bail Wednesday.

After a review of the case, prosecutors opted not to prosecute Jarmolowicz, chiefly because criminal negligence could not be established since he did not intend to injure his son Anthony. The younger Jarmolowicz uses the handle “Baas” in connection with his DJ pursuits. The 24 year-old son is unemployed and still lives at home at his dad's expense. He feels entitled.

According to a Yuba County Sheriff’s Department report, Jarmolowicz told deputies that he asked his son “several times to turn down the music or use headphones.” When the volume was not lowered, Jarmolowicz retrieved a 16 gauge shotgun from his bedroom, returned to his son’s room, and squelched the speaker with a single blast.

Jarmolowicz told an officer that he had been arguing with his son for weeks, was “very stressed out” and “lost control of his temper.”

The prosecuter's office was deluged with demands that the freeloading son be charged with disturbing the peace.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Hideously Distorted Looking Former Alaska Governor Attacks Working People

Palin: Wis. gov doing right thing smashing unions

Apr 17 2011

TODD RICHMOND and the editors of BizarreStuff

(AP Photo/Morry Gash)

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin spoke at a tax day tea party rally Saturday, April 16, 2011, in Madison, Wis.

MADISON, Wis. — Palin defended the Wisconsin governor's attack on unions and working people at a tea party tax day rally Saturday, telling hundreds of supporters that his polarizing union rights law is really designed to save public jobs. No one believed her.

Braving snow showers and a frigid wind outside the state Capitol building, the dingbat former Alaska governor told tea partyers she's glad to stand with Gov. Scott Walker who was seated. Hundreds of labor supporters surrounded the rally, trying to drown Palin out with chants of "Hey-hey, ho-ho, Scott Walker has got to go!" and "Recall Walker!"

"Hey, folks! screamed Palin into a microphone, He's trying to save your jobs and your pensions!" "Your governor did the right thing and you won! Your beautiful state won! And people still have their jobs!" Almost no one believed her because it is all a lie.

Palin, who has no knowledge whatsoever of public employment, unions or the state of Wisconsin used her bully pulpit to spout hatred and class warfare, something she is paid handsomely to do by the right wing lobby in America.

The Republican Governor signed a bill into law last month that requires all public workers to take an average 8% pay cut and strips them of their right to collectively bargain on anything except wages.

Walker plans to balance the state budget on the backs of working people.

Tens of thousands of people descended on the Capitol to protest nonstop for weeks against the plan and minority Democrats in the state Senate fled to Illinois to block a vote in that chamber, drawing national attention to the controversy.

The hate mongering Palin, shown with her hate filled visage, was called in to support the Governor by lying and looking ugly, two things she does exceptionally well. Currently, there is a court order blocking implementation of the law.
Capitol Police estimated about 6,500 people converged on the building Saturday, but said it was impossible to tell how many were tea partyers and how many were labor supporters.

The tea partyers, mainly illiterate bigots, appeared clustered in front of the building, waving "Don't Tread on Me" flags and signs that read "Public workers _ the party is over," "Thank you, Scott," and "Tax and spend brings the end."

Counter-protesters surrounded them, banging drums, bellowing into bullhorns and ringing bells. Bitter arguments broke out along the edges of the two groups over everything from the size of government to corporate power. At one point conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart took the stage and told the labor supporters to "go to hell."

Tanzanian Albinos Sacrificed for Use in Witch Doctor Potions

Tanzania - it's a lovely place

It is believed in certain regions of Tanzania that the body parts: limbs, stomachs, genitals etc. of albinos can be used by witch doctors to create powerful potions. In recent years large numnbers of albino Tanzanians, including children, are being murdered for their body parts. A complete corpse in good condition is said to fetch L50,000 pounds when sold to a top witch doctor. Witchcraft flourishes in Africa, in 2011.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Aussie Bridegroom Jailed For Beating Up New Wife in Wedding Limo

Man jailed for wedding day attack on own bride

Down Under, Somewhere, Maybe Melbourne

April 15, 2011

Possibly not the same bride.

A DRUNKEN bridegroom who beat up his new partner in the back of a stretch Hummer limo on the way to their reception has been jailed.

An unidentified Australian man was arrested for beating the stuffings out of his new bride shortly after their wedding. Alcohol apparently was involved as the newly wed groom became enraged and viciously attacked his new bride in the back seat of the limo.

The limo driver apparently summoned police when the customary lovey dovey ride to the wedding reception turned into a vicious assault of his newly minted life love by the irate groom.

When interviewed by the press, he distraught, beaten bride said she didn't know what happened. One minute he was all kissy sweetee and trying to get in my pants and the next he was beating the crap out of me, she told reporters. I mean I'll put out; I put out before we were married. I was ready to do it right there in the limo. What does a girl have to do these days?

It was not immediately clear if the bride intended to consummate the union or file charges for assault and battery.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Men Paid To Get Beat Up By Women For Fetish Films

No Pain No Pay Say Authorities

April 14, 2011
St. Petersburg, Fla

It had to be Florida, again, naturally..

For months, a Florida homeless advocate wondered why so many local men seemed to be walking around a St. Petersburg park with black eyes, split lips and limps.

Finally someone told him: They were being beaten and whipped by attractive, sometimes scantily clad women for fetish videos, for payments of $25 to $50 per 12-minute episode, reports the St. Petersburg Times.

Now the Southern Legal Counsel has filed suit on behalf of two alleged victims of the practice, seeking a court order prohibiting further violence against vulnerable adults that the complaint contends is really not consensual and seeking damages for medical expenses and emotional distress.

The suit, which was filed April 1, also contends that the so-called beatdowns violate a state hate crimes law intended to protect the homeless from targeted violence, according to the Associated Press.

The suit names as defendants Jeff Williams of, J.P. Florida Productions and six unidentified women, the Times reports.

Williams says the plaintiffs did indeed consent to be physically abused, as is demonstrated by the liability releases they signed and the fact that they participated on multiple occasions in fetish filmings.

"These men are crack addicts and will say anything for money," he tells the newspaper.

Courthouse News provides a copy of the Pinellas County Circuit Court complaint (PDF).

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Woman Avoids Expense of Calling Locksmith - Dies Instead

Stuck in basement window, cheapskate Ohio woman suffocates

Apr 13 2011

LEBANON, Ohio — An Ohio man came home from an out-of-state trip to find the body of his wife stuck in a basement window, where she suffocated after apparently locking herself out of the house, authorities said Wednesday.

David Kline found the body of his 44-year-old wife, Esther, on Tuesday and called 911, police said. He told the dispatcher that his wife wasn't breathing.

"I just found my wife downstairs, and she's hanging partly in a window, and I think she's dead," Kline told the dispatcher in a very calm tone of voice.

Authorities believe she may have locked herself out; she had sent her husband a text saying: "I wish the spare key was here." The spare had apparently been borrowed and not returned, possibly by her husband.

The window is about 3 feet wide and a foot high. The woman was about 3 and 1/2 feet wide and a foot and a half high.

"It was a narrow opening, smaller than a person's body," police Sgt. Jeff Mitchell told the Middletown Journal. "Not a whole lot of maneuvering room, because it's below ground in a window well."

Kline became stuck when she tried to get through the window feet first, and scuff marks on the wall from her shoes indicate she struggled to push herself free, Mitchell told The Enquirer. But stuck she was.

She may have been pinned in the window for about nine hours, coroner's investigator Doyle Burke said. It's hard to determine time of death from slow asphyxiation. It can be a slow, agonizing death.

"Essentially she couldn't breathe," Mitchell said. An unnamed CSI said it was a case of too little window and too much woman.

The Warren County coroner's office said the death was accidental without any evidence to support that conclusion. The woman could have been held in place by a jealous lover until she was dead. She could have been launched through the window by an angry neighbor. Who knows?

Esther Klein's body weight was not released by the coroner's office at the request of the local Weight Watchers Center where she had been dieting for 25 years, according to a neighbor who said Klein probably topped 220 pounds.

New BizarreStuff Feature

April 13, 2011

In our continuing effort to keep BizarreStuff bizarre and to provide a wider variety of interesting "stuff" for our readers we are introducing today the "Occasional Random Thought" feature. We hope our readers like it and would especially like to hear feedback from our occasionally loyal followers.

Anyway, today's random thought was precipitated by the news that Texas legislators, who meet only for a few months once every two years, and spend the first month arguing about who is going to be the Speaker and what new procedural obstacles could he erected to slow down the legislative process to a snail's pace.

This has the twin effects of getting nothing down for the first two months of the truncated session and of creating a backlog of important legislation requiring careful consideration that is put off until the last minute and then rushed through, if at all, with no opportunity to refine it and make it a good law.

Meamwhile every new and old kook elected to the state legislature has the first few months of the legislative session to introduce every cockamamie measure that h/she has been able to conjure, either alone or wit the half-baked assistance os her or his demonic constituents who got him/her elected.

While Texas' budgetary crisis festers, the educational system crumbles, the judicial system, which is in need of major reform, is permitted to further deteriorate, immigration problems threaten to sink legalization reform,and a few other cataclysmic issues require immediate attention, the legislators concern themselves with bills to name a stretch of highway after some dead politician, the opossum haters organization wants to be allowed to eradicate opossums,the law enforcement establishment wants to legalize the right of burly cops to mace baby squirrels and new legislation to benefit Jerry Jones' Dallas Cowboys football empire are debated for days.

So we here at BizarreStuff were sort of wondering how the state legislative systems where our readers live work, and if they bear any resemblance to the veritable chaos that characterizes the Texas legialature?

Whilst writing this an email from Congressman "Smoky" Joe Barton, one of Texas's worst U.S, representatives of all time, flashed across my screen asing me and 1,000's of others if we are fed up with 'big government?" when Joe should be asking his constituents if they are fed up with him. Joe has made a career of smoking big government and "smoking" North Texas by protecting two of his 'big money' constituents in Midlothia who operate cement plants that heavily contribute to the smoky environment from when Smoky Joe derives his moniker.

See you next time.

Texas Considers New Assisted Suicide Law

Texas considers highest speed limit in nation

Photo of typical Texas pick-up after suicidal crash.

April 12, 2001

The state of Texas. long considered a bastion of Neanderthal, conservative public policy is poised to become the assisted suicide capital of the nation.

The Texas House of Representatives has approved a bill that would raise the speed limit to 85 mph on some highways. The bill now goes to the state Senate, the Austin Statesman reports.

Texas currently has more than 520 miles of interstate highways where the speed limit is 80 mph, according to the Associated Press. The bill would allow the Texas Department of Transportation to raise the speed limit on certain roads or lanes after engineering and traffic studies are conducted. The 85-mph maximum would likely be permitted on rural roads with long sightlines.

Some insurers, however, oppose the bill:

They point out that auto insurance rates would rise sharply due to a pronounced increase in vehicular crashes. At the same time life insurance companies would be impacted by the larger number of payouts for the families of dead former customers.

"Think of it as killing the 'Texas' goose that laid the golden egg," said one Texas insurer, who declined to be identified on grounds of anonymity and parsimony. The Texas insurance board now permits Texas insurance companies to charge exorbitant rates while minimizing payouts. "We are making a killing in Texas (no pun intended), and we don't want this cash cow to disappear," according to another unnamed source barely familiar with the plan. "More dead people is not the answer. Once they are dead they are never going to be insurance company customers again," said another former insurance agency owner.

"We have been hit badly enough by the repeal of the motorcycle helmet law," said another source. "Claims for brain injuries represent some of our largest costs. We don't need brain damaged individuals hanging on for decades, unable to work and support themselves, living off of insurance payouts. It hurts everyone, in the pocketbook."

The new 85 MPH speed limit will allow more suicidal Texans to kill themselves more easily, with a minimum of preparation an no need to waste valuable time finding a cooperating doctor. All they need is a fast car, which they can borrow from a friend or simply take a used car for a test drive.

This law will make Texas one of more progressive states in the U.S., by allowing for assisted (by car, motorcycle, or truck) suicide.

According to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, high speeds were a factor in about one-third of all fatal crashes in 2009. The faster you're traveling, the greater the distance needed to bring your vehicle to a complete stop and the longer it takes a driver to react to emergency situations, according to IIHS. If an accident does occur at a higher speed, there is a strong likelihood that the crash impact will exceed the protection available to vehicle occupants. This means DEATH.

What more evidence is needed to prove this is a good measure for Texas/

One downside of the measure it that speeding increases fuel consumption. Every 5 mph over 60 mph is like paying an additional $0.24 per gallon for gas, according to the U.S. Department of Energy. Supporters of the new law point out that the increased speeds will be short lived (no pun intended) as the assisted suicide'rs flame out quickly

In the mid-1990s, the federal government deregulated national highway speed-limit standards, allowing states to set their own speed limits. Before the reform, all states had adopted a 55-mph speed limit by 1974 to keep federal highway funding, with some rural areas able to travel up to 65 mph since 1987. This decreased gas consumption but it left too many people alive, off-setting most of the gains in gas consumption.

"70 MPH is just too slow in today's world of warp speed internet and instant hot wings," according to an unidentified rider of a high powered Harley-Davidson motorcycle. "I can hit 85 mph between my home and Starbucks if I don't have to worry constantly about some cop pulling me over."

Texas and Utah have the highest speed limits of 80 mph on specified segments of rural interstates, according to IIHS. Texas law makers want to take the lead and make the state the suicide (by car, truck, or motorcycle) leader of the U.S.

Passenger 'Shoots' TSA Security Guard While Being Groped By The Guard

Man arrested after ejaculating during TSA pat-down

November 21, 2010

A TSA agent is shown groping a 47 year-old gay man who was arrested at San Francisco International Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by the male TSA agent. Percy Cummings (his real name), an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually assaulting a Federal agent.

According to Cummings’ partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has “multiple piercings on his manhood” which were detected during a full body scan. As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down. Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent “an inordinate amount of time groping” Cummings, who apparently become sexually aroused. Armani told cops that the agent should be arrested for sexually asasaulting Cummings. Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agent’s hand was feeling the piercings. The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up. Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed, as if he were a dangerous criminal.

Cummings said he had no intent to 'shoot' the TSA agent but the agent would not stop groping his genitals and nature took its course.

A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on the specific case, but said that anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest. It was not made clear what law Cummings had violated nor if the TSA rule also would be applied to the agents performing the pat downs.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Parents Charged in Attack of 73-Year-Old Crossing Guard

Former Parents-of-the-Year wannabees teach their son how to serve up a can of Whup-Ass

4/12/11 Sherene Tagharobi of

Darrell Livingston and Shareka McKinney hid behind court documents Tuesday morning as soon as the cameras went on. The parents accused of beating up a 73 year-old-crossing guard April 1 are facing two misdemeanor charges each. Those include assault and battery of James Thompson and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

That minor is their six-year-old son, who police say they told to beat up a fellow first-grader he'd gotten into a playground fight with the day before. James Thompson, the crossing guard, tried to break up the fight, and that's when police say the couple attacked him. Attorney Frederick Blackmond is defending the couple.

They both pleaded not guilty to both charges. Their attorney has not yet submitted his own plea for defending these losers.

Both Livingston and McKinney refused to talk on camera saying coverage of the incident so far has made them look bad. He had hoped for video instead of stills, since the stills don't capture the grace behind his left uppercut. But McKinney did say: "Just look at the pictures. The whole story's untrue. We're not the attackers, he is."

They also say Thompson had a knife and used it on Livingston. Reporters followed up with the crossing guard on that allegation. He says it's a lie. In enlarged photos of the incident taken by a bystander, it does look like Thompson is holding something. Police could not comment on whether or not it was a knife, but to this viewer it seems to be the attackers' dignity.

Judge Louise Alderson banned the couple from communicating with Thompson in any way. She's also considering banning them from speaking to their child (at the child's request).

"Stay away from 500 feet of Thompson's work, school or residence and you don't want to have your friends or family making contact on your behalf," she said. The parents are appealing the order.

Each count could land them three months in jail, a 500 dollar fine, and the ridicule of bloggers across the land.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Montana Man Takes Divorce Badly

Prosecutors: Man used divorce papers to burn wife's business
Mar. 23, 2011 |

MISSOULA (AP) — Bail has been set at $200,000 for a 33-year-old Lolo man accused of using divorce papers to start a fire that burned down his estranged wife’s Frenchtown beauty salon.

Prosecutors say Shawn Gawronski was sitting in his truck, gun in hand, near the burning Gifted Hands salon when deputies arrived early Monday morning. He was arrested a short time later, and court records say he acknowledged spreading gasoline throughout the building and using his divorce papers to get the fire going.

Authorities say they have responded to reports of vandalism to vehicles belonging to friends and relatives of salon owner Jennifer Warner, Gawronski’s estranged wife. She says Monday was the deadline for Gawronski to respond to her divorce filing and she had a restraining order against him.

Gawronski is charged with arson, violation of a protection order and criminal mischief.

Georgia Woman Busted Over Bust

April 7, 2011
Large busted bust by cop

A Georgia woman was busted for indecent exposure when she dropped the lower half of her top, revealing the reason for the "bust." Police were forced to use a wheelbarrow to arrest the woman when she failed to cooperate with her own bust.

Those Sonic Burgers Make Him Soooooo Horny

Cops Bust Man Who Spanked His Monkey While Standing In A Sonic Drive-Thru Lane

An Oklahoma man who stood masturbating in the drive-thru lane at a Sonic restaurant has been arrested for his illicit eight-minute display, which transpired in full view of a female worker and a surveillance camera. The worker used her cell phone app to time the show.

Kevin Ferrier, 19, was collared yesterday for indecent exposure after video of his alleged March 2 performance outside the eatery was released by Tulsa cops and broadcast by local news stations. As seen at right, Fox News 23 used a carefully placed blurred square to obscure the lewd matters in hand. A blood splatter expert was dispatched to the scene but was unable to recover sufficient semen for a DNA test.

According to a Tulsa Police Department report, the female Sonic employee told investigators that a male “exposed himself and masturbated in front of her as she was working the window of the drive through.” She told police there was a lot of splatter on the plastic drive through window but that other men had behaved similarly in the past.

Ferrier, pictured in the mug shot, was arrested yesterday afternoon at his Tulsa home on the felony charge. He was released from custody early last night after posting $5000 bond.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Jump Cows

Cow Jumping in Kansas

April 8, 2011
Somewhere in Kansas

A teen-aged girl whose parents refused to buy her a jumping horse, trained the family cow to be a jumper. The girl was forced to quit jumping the cow, however, because she was churning her baby brother's milk into butter.

After learning of the event, authorities are now investigating whether or not the cow could be taught to jump over the moon. After Dorothy went to visit the Wizard of Oz it was thought the cow training girl could become another Kansas legend.

The Ravages of War

April 8, 2011

Kabul, Afghanistan

Afghan sheep rides in style in Toyota.

An Afghan sheep, dressed in pink, is seen being transported to a wedding reception for his sheep sister who plans to marry a goat. There is a shortage of rams in Afghanistan due to the high costs of the war. The rams, who are being used to test for land mines, are getting blown to smithereens. The big question is what to call the offspring of these sheep/goat marriages, a shoat....a geep? 1,000's of promiscuous sheep are entering the country illegally, in search of romance.

Well, I'm Just Sorry As Hell, Yer Honor - Cut Me Some Slack Here - I'm a Working Mom.

Stripper sentenced in Ohio SUV dragging death

Apr 07 2011 09:55PM CST

Kristina Hensley cries during sentencing at Butler County Common Pleas Court in Hamilton, Ohio on Thursday, April 7, 2011, trying to gain some sympathy points from the judge. Hensley, 35, an exotic dancer accused of killing a customer by running him over in her SUV outside his home and dragging him for a mile was sentenced to 10 years in prison by Judge Keith M. Spaeth . Hensley, of Higginsport, pleaded guilty in February to involuntary manslaughter and failure to stop after an accident in the death last August of Jae Cho. (AP Photo/The Cincinnati Enquirer, Glenn Hartong) MANDATORY CREDIT

HAMILTON, Ohio — An exotic dancer accused of killing a customer by running him over in her SUV outside his home and dragging him for a mile was sentenced Thursday to 10 years in prison.

Kristina Hensley, 35, was given the maximum sentence by Butler County Common Pleas Judge Keith Spaeth.

Hensley, of Higginsport, pleaded guilty in February to involuntary manslaughter and failure to stop after an accident in the death last August of Jae Cho.

The judge called the autopsy photos and report detailing Cho's death "ghastly" and said the court had no choice in the sentence, given the circumstances. He said Hensley didn't just hit Cho, 31, but dragged him to a "horrible death," the Hamilton JournalNews newspaper reported.

Hensley told police Cho touched her inappropriately after she was called to perform a private show at his home in Monroe, about 25 miles north of Cincinnati. She said he jumped in front of her SUV as she fled and she didn't know he was stuck underneath it.

Police said she drove about a mile to a gas station before stopping. By then both Cho and the SUV were out of gas.

Hensley originally was charged with murder, aggravated robbery, theft and failure to stop. She pleaded guilty in a deal with prosecutors.

Assistant prosecutor Brad Burress told The Associated Press that he was pleased with the sentence and hoped it would bring "closure" to Cho's family. It certainly brought closure to Cho.

Hensley's attorneys had urged the judge to give her community control, often called probation and involving options such as community service or electronic monitoring, or to sentence her to the minimum three years in prison with credit for the 334 days served since her arrest.

They had told the judge in a memorandum that she had been the sole income provider for her three sons, ages 13, 8 and 7, and worked as a dancer because of economic hardship. They also said she didn't intend to cause Cho's death and had shown remorse by telling people she was very sorry. "All I want to do is strip and take care of my boys. Mr. Cho was a nasty man who wanted to look at naked women."

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Defendant's Lawyer Calls Him Toast To Prosecutor

Defense lawyer admits to throwing client under the bus because she believed him guilty and because his alleged victim was underage

The lawyer's photo - a mock up to protect the guilty

April 8, 2011

Jeffrey Gioglio (unfortunate name under the circumstances) had his conviction reversed by a Michigan Appeals Court when his own lawyer bragged to the prosecutor that she willfully had provided her client ineffective defense, after the guilty verdict.

The defense lawyers work was so inept that the prosecutor joined in the appeal of the guilty verdict that would have sent Gioglio to prison for a minimum of 6 years.

Gioglio’s lawyer, Susan Prentice-Sao, did not deliver an opening statement, did not present any evidence, and did not cross-examine the alleged victim, a relative of Gioglio's who accused him of sexual contact when she was 6 years old. Nor did Prentice-Sao raise a hearsay objection when a gym teacher testified about other students' reports of the alleged victim's claims of rape, hearsay on hearsay.

The prosecutor. Christine Bourgeois, wrote the court administrator after the verdict. Bourgeois said Prentice-Sao had confided in her Gioglio had admitted guilt and that she could not bring herself to question a child sexual abuse victim. After sentencing, Bourgeois said, Prentice-Sao “greeted me with a big smile, a thumb’s-up, and the statement, ‘He’s toast!’"

Prentice-Sao defended her representation in a response to the court administrator and in a hearing on a motion for a new trial made by a new defense attorney. She wrote that she told Bourgeois she did not plan to cross-examine the girl so the prosecutor would not “go overboard preparing her for trial.” She also said she told Bourgeois that Gioglio had made some admissions, but it was in the course of plea negotiations. And she said she did not cross-examine the alleged victim because she did not want to alienate jurors and she feared new details would bring more serious charges for her client. She claimed not to remember the toast comment.

Not CSI Quality

Reporter discovers bloody knife at scene of grisly triple murder home...hours after police had completed their own 'search' of the property

Daily Mail Reporter
April 5, 2011

A journalist found herself making the news rather than just reporting it after she discovered a bloody knife at a triple murder scene hours after a 'thorough' crime scene search by police detectives.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution reporter Rhonda Cook said she found the knife- with bright red blood on its blade - under a chair on the front porch, after police completed their 'detailed' investigation and removed crime scene tape from the home, allowing anyone to enter and leave.

The grim discovery has prompted a police investigation into whether detectives missed a key piece of evidence. (Duh! Missed a key piece of evidence? Yet another investigation of a botched investigation by the botchers themselves?) Sack the bloody lot.