Sunday, May 31, 2009

Driver Delivers More Than Pizza!

Pizza Guy Saves
Rape Victim

Rapist Blows It With Pizza Craving>>>>

Pizza Guy Spots Bound Woman Looking to Escape, While Rapist Pays Delivery Charge, And Leaves Tip

Chris Turner normally wouldn't drive into the remote Tennessee mountains just to deliver a pizza. The one time he did, he came upon a scene that drained the color from his face and made him "numb from head to toe" _ a woman with her hands tied, silently begging him to call 911.

It was no joke, and Turner, 32, rushed to a nearby house and made the call. Police say the woman was jogging in her Atlanta neighborhood when she was whisked away by a man who frequented her business. Authorities say he drove her off, raped her and held her captive inside a cabin. The 24-year-old woman was rescued by Sevier County deputies on Tuesday evening because of Turner's quick thinking.

Turner told reporters that: "While I was standing in the door all you could see was the back of the couch. And then, while the guy was signing the credit card slip, she popped over the back of the couch and showed me that her hands were bound. And she was just mouthing, 'Please call 911.'"

"At first I thought it was a joke; that they was doing some kinda kinky stuff, like role playing you know?"

"But when I saw that woman with that butt ugly guy, I realized something was going on and I went numb from head to toe and turned pale white," he said.

Turner tried to look calm. "Have a nice day. Enjoy your food," he told the suspect, who tipped him $5 on a $37.69 bill. Then he rushed back to his van, where his wife, Nease, was waiting behind the wheel.

"Go, go, go!" he told her. "Why, why, why?" she shot back. Exasperated, Turner told he had seen a serial killer. "That got her going," said Turner.

The couple realized they were out of cell phone range. So they drove to a nearby house and called police. They waited to make sure the suspect didn't flee. Then Turner stayed to see the man arrested and the victim taken away in an ambulance. "I wanted to make sure she was OK," he said. "I wanted to ask the guy how he liked his pizza, now?"

The woman told authorities she was jogging near her home about 11:50 a.m. Tuesday when a frequent customer at a restaurant and bar owned by the woman and her husband asked her to take a look at his new car. She got into the vehicle, which turned out to be a rental, and a big mistake as she was immediately grabbed and tied up.

She told police the suspect drove her more than 200 miles to the cabin in Tennessee and raped her. Then he ordered pizza and asked what I wanted on it.

Police arrested David J. Jansen, 46, of Snellville, Ga., without a struggle on charges of aggravated kidnapping and rape, Sheriff Ron Seals said in a statement. Jansen was released on an $800,000 bond late Thursday. He immediately drove to the nearest Pizza Hut and ordered a large pepperoni with extra cheese. His attorney, Donald Bosch of Knoxville, had no comment Friday.

Capt. Jeff McCarter refused to discuss the case Friday. But earlier he told The Mountain Press newspaper that officials believe the woman was in imminent danger. Duh!

The victim and her husband visited Turner at Capelli's Pizza and Subs in Gatlinburg before heading back to Atlanta on Wednesday. "She was just thanking me ... for trusting her," Turner said. "She said he was going to kill her ... after he got done with her."

Turner's boss, John Henry, said the cabin was about 30 miles from his pizza shop.

"We usually don't go out that far," he said. "It takes too much gas and time. But this time I said, 'Yeah, I will take it.' It was just luck. For her, it was."

This Is a Sport? Gimme a Break!

Pizza-Calzone (P'Zone) Top Right >>>>>

Japan's Kobayashi beats Chestnut in eating rematch

Published - May 30 2009 09:32PM CDT

By BETH HARRIS - AP Sports Writer

Takeru Kobayashi from Japan, holds a trophy after defeating his opponent Joey Chestnut in a pizza-eating competition in Los Angeles on Saturday, May 30, 2009.

In a chewy chow-lenge, Takeru Kobayashi outlasted Joey Chestnut when the eating titans faced off to see who could devour the most pizzas.

Kobayashi, a six-time world hot dog eating champion from Japan, consumed 5 3/4 P'zones in a six-minute span of chaotic consumption Saturday to edge Chestnut. The 25-year-old from San Jose, Calif., wolfed down 5 1/2 P'zones on Stage 15 at Sony Studios.

"I'm a little bummed," Chestnut said. "There's nobody I like beating more than him, he pushes me harder than anybody."

The arch rivals are best known for their annual Fourth of July hot dog eating showdowns on New York's Coney Island. Chestnut has beaten his Japanese competitor the last two years, winning last year in a five-dog eat-off after they tied at 59 frankfurters in 10 minutes.

This time, they went cheek-to-jowl in a stomach-centric contest sponsored by Pizza Hut featuring the P'zone, a pizza weighing one pound with pepperoni and other ingredients sealed inside a crust. At nearly 12 inches long, it resembles a calzone.

Jaw strength and stomach capacity were sorely tested in consuming one of the most filling foods on the competitive eating circuit.

A serious-looking Chestnut prepped by opening his mouth wide and loosening his jaw. Kobayashi stretched his lean limbs and whispered with his interpreter.

Then it was time.

Chestnut took an early lead, squeezing a P'zone in his left fist while alternately slugging from a water bottle. Soon, liquid splashed all over Chestnut's white jersey and dripped from his mouth.

Kobayashi took a tidier approach.

He roared back to take the lead for good on his second P'zone, tearing off bites of the golden crust, then folding it over and sipping carefully from a series of white paper cups that he refilled with water.

"The crust was very chewy so my technique was to try to drink as much water as possible to soften up the crust in my mouth," Kobayashi said through his translator.

No dunking was allowed, and containers of marinara sauce accompanying each P'zone were tossed aside by both chowhounds.

A small crowd gathered a few feet from the elevated food fest cheered the men on, with Chestnut's highway patrolman brother yelling inches from his face to eat faster.

Chestnut couldn't keep up with his 31-year-old rival from Tokyo.

At the six-minute mark, Kobayashi raised his arms in triumph and lifted his red jersey to show off a set of washboard abs.

"It was tough. Kobayashi came to win," Chestnut said. "I was raised on pizza so it was natural for me to eat it, but I was a little slow to get going and he came out fast."

The thought of a Japanese outeating an American in a pizza contest wasn't lost on Kobayashi, who is recovering from TMJ, a painful jaw disorder.

"I love pizza," he said. "When I come to America, pizza is my happiness. I look forward to eating it."

Chestnut said he wasn't used to eating pizza that quickly.

"It's doughy," he said. "It takes a lot of chewing. He got off to a really good technique early on, his rhythm was drinking water and swallowing. I changed mine a couple times and never got in the right rhythm."

Kobayashi ended a three-event losing streak to Chestnut, a 25-year-old whose weekday job is in construction management.

"I wanted to prove that I'm champion," Kobayashi said. "A champion will stand up to any battle."

He said he would go for another Fourth of July hot dog championship and then probably retire. Chestnut will be ready and waiting on Coney Island.

"I'll see him in five weeks and I'm going to push him really hard there," he vowed.

Chestnut also has challenged Kobayashi to a chestnut eating contest. Kobayashi's manager said such a contest would have to be held in a chestnut free, neutral nation, like Afghanistan.

Portions of the pizza event will air on the Spike TV "Guys' Choice" show on June 21. No one is expected to watch other than the contestants' families and pets.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

A retired Air Force colonel with decades of experience as a flight instructor gave one of his students a hands-on lesson in a key principle of flying: Don't run out of gas. Al Uhalt of Colorado Springs made a bumpy but safe landing in a field Thursday when the single-engine Aviat Husky he and a student were flying ran out of fuel near the end of a 45-minute lesson.

Neither Uhalt nor the student, 16-year-old Kyle Sundman, was injured and the plane was undamaged.

Uhalt says he's embarrassed. Kyle's grandfather, Jim Young, who owns the plane, was flying behind them. He says he didn't worry because he knew Uhalt was experienced and the plane was rugged.

Other experienced pilots, who requested unanimity but not proximity, said Uhalt's failure to make sure there was enough fuel to complete the flying lesson was the grossest example of incompetence possible for a flight instructor. "It's worse than flying under the influence of alcohol or any other illegal drug, such as angel dust. At least when you are on speed or flying drunk you can make an attempt to land. When you run out of fuel, especially half way across the Pacific Ocean or between Mount Everest and K-2 in the Himilayas it is almost certain death.," said a nine year-old aspiring pilot at the local airport, who was the only person willing to be quoted for this story. "As far as I'm concerned," said the nine year-old," this jerk should be subjected to a court's martial, stripped of his rank and sentenced to 150 lashes with a cat-o-nine tails."

When it was pointed out to the nine year-old that the Uniform Code of Military Justice no longer provides for beatings with whips, kicking, stomping on, choking, keel-hauling, or plank walking, because considered to be cruel and unusual punishment, the youngster said, "That's what's wrong with the country now. We keep coddling these criminals so that criminals are rewarded rather than punished." The boy was unable to finish the interview because his mom called him home to dinner at that time.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Squawking Peacock Squelched

Woman accused of killing peacock with baseball bat

Published - May 29 2009 08:43PM CDT

A woman accused of clubbing to death a peacock with a baseball bat has pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor charges of animal cruelty. The woman was charged with second-degree animal cruelty, which is punishable by up to a year in jail and a $2,000 fine. Her next court appearance is scheduled for June 19.

The woman previously admitted to killing the bird to reporters because she was tired of its constant squawking.

In her defense, the woman said it could not be animal cruelty because it was a fair fight. Puzzled reporters asked why she considered beating the bird to death with a baseball bat a fair fight. The woman reponded by pointing out that the bird and the bat were just about the same size so the peacock had an equal chance.

She said she brought up her concerns at board meetings at Makaha V, where she lived, but was unable to get any relief and was unable to sleep at night.

After listening to the woman's defense statement, the judge ordered her committed for psychiatric evaluation before being formally charged.

No members of the bashed peacock's immediate family could be located so the bird was laid to rest in the Makaha V dumpster. The body can be viewed until 11 AM on Thursday, which is the regularly scheduled trash pickup date.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Urinator Exterminated - Odor Remains

Cornehls - The Urinator

Ross - The Pub(l)ic Artist

IRS plugs leak: Alleged elevator urinator charged

May 27 2009 07:17PM CDT

A secret agent used surveillance cameras to confirm a smelly suspicion: Someone had been urinating in a freight elevator at an Internal Revenue Service data center in Detroit. Authorities filed a criminal charge Tuesday against Jim Cornehls. In an affidavit, treasury agent Golinda Spook said she interviewed Cornehls in January 2008and he admitted urinating in the elevator for months.

Spook said Cornehls did it "because it was fun, because he thought he could get away with it and because the IRS deserved to be pissed on." It cost $4,600 to clean the elevator.

Cornehls, who was a consultant with the IRS, was charged with damaging federal property. He told reporters at his arraignment that he expected to be represented by famed criminal defense lawyer, Bud Blaylock, of Balch Springs, Texas. Blaylock, who is unknown outside Balch Springs, has never won a criminal trial, so Cornehls believes he is due for a victory. "Sooner or later Bud's got to win one; Blaylock is my lawyer, win or mistrial," said Cornehls.

It is believed Cornehls may have had a female accomplice, shown above, but no hard evidence linking the woman to the ongoing criminal enterprise in the elevator has been uncovered. She was not with Cornehls at the time he was caught on the surveillance cameras. The woman's name, Betsy Ross, was not released pending further investigation and a urine sample.

When questioned by authorities in a nearby park Ms. Ross claimed she was taking a pregnancy test and protested that the officers were violating her right to privacy. She was arrested for indency and/or complacency.

An attorney, with extensive experience in corporate acquisitions,told reporters he thought Ms. Ross had several valid constitutional defenses: her First Amendment right to free artistic expression because she was drawing in a childrens' coloring book with her directed urine stream and the drawing is to be used in a new childrens' art book; violations of her right to privacy; and because she was subjected to a non consensual search. Finally, the attorney believed Ms. Ross could be acquitted by merely waving the flag. (Get it? Betsy Ross, waving the flag?)

Beverley Beluga, a spokeswoman for prosecutors, says the government was unsuccessful in trying to resolve the case against Cornehls without a criminal charge. "We didn't want to get into a public pissing contest with Cornehls, himself an attorney, well known economist, and author. A jury is likely to sympathize with him just because he did what they all would like to do, piss on the IRS. I'd probably vote for an acquittal, too, if I was on the jury."

Immediately after making the comment, Beluga was fired, for frequent tardiness and excessive absenteeism, and was forced to surrender her restroom key card, despite her request to use the toilet before leaving. She was ordered by a U.S. Marshal not to use the frieght elevator to leave the building.

Mums the Word - Mum's Frozen

Corpse found in London freezer after 20 years

May 27 2009 07:33AM CDT

London police discovered a woman's corpse in a home freezer 20 years after death and were questioning her 83-year-old daughter, Britain's Press Association reported.

Police searched the home of Daulat Irani 10 days after a neighbor reported that there might be a body in the garage, the agency said. Police believe the dead woman, Gulbai Freedoon Murzdan, died 20 years ago.

Police confirmed they were investigating the incident, but declined to comment on any relationship there might be between the dead woman and the woman being questioned.

Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper reported Wednesday that Murzdan's daughter hid her mother's body in the freezer wrapped in a black trash bag.

The newspaper said Murzdan had been living in the country illegally and that her daughter feared immigration authorities.

Police said they are treating the death as unexplained and will conduct an autopsy on Friday.

Don't Bite Off More Than You Can Chew.

Police: Conn. woman bitten after 'bite me' remark

May 27 2009 03:06PM CDT

Rochelle Wyler learned the hard way that the correct use of language can prevent injury.

An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy has been charged with disorderly conduct after he allegedly responded literally to a co-worker's "bite me" remark. Francis Woodruff, a former Waterbury police captain, was arraigned Tuesday and released on a promise to appear in court.

He was accused of biting the arm of 42-year-old Rochelle Wyler, a license and applications analyst at the academy, on April 24.

According to the arrest report, she was left with teeth marks and bruising on her left triceps.

Wyler filed a complaint April 28, alleging the 51-year-old Woodruff was agitating her by calling her a clerk. She said she responded with "bite me" _ and he did.

Woodruff, who also is a training co-ordinator with the Meriden Police, told authorities he was joking around. "People use expressions such as "bite me" without having the slightest idea of where they originated or what they meaan. I don't seriously think Ms. Wyler was suggesting I bite her penis, unless she has an unusual anatomy," said Mr. Woodruff.

Anger Management Training? Nah...Jail the Bastard!

Motorcyclist accused of ramming RI cop _ again

May 26 2009 07:23PM CDT

Mark Costa faces charges for allegedly ramming a state trooper with his motorcycle, the second time he's been accused of such a crime. Costa was arrested early Tuesday morning for allegedly striking Trooper Mark McGehearty, who was trying to stop the motorcyclist for speeding. Costa was clocked on radar doing 95 MPH in a school zone.

Police said Costa turned off his lights to evade police officers, refused to get off his bike, then revved the engine and hit McGehearty. Both men were treated at local hospitals, MeGehearty from being struck by the motorcycle, Costa from being beaten senseless by 8 cops who arrived on the scene to assist. They said Costa, a small man who weighs about 125 pounds, put up fierce resistance and the 8 officers had called for backup assistance when Costa finally was rendered unconscious by several hundred baton blows to the head.

The 35-year-old Costa faces several charges, including assault with a dangerous weapon (the motorcycle?) and operating on a suspended license.

In 2007, Costa pleaded no contest to charges that he struck another trooper with his motorcycle.

Costa was jailed Tuesday when he could not make bail. It was unclear whether he had an attorney. It was unclear whether any attorney would represent him. Several attornies in the courtroom when Costa was arraigned expressed a wish that Costa "rot under the jail." Apparently Costa stiffed several local attorneys in the past for their fees and had a brief affair with the wife of of one of them.

The maximum time Costa can be retained in the county jail, if his bail is not paid and no attorney will represent him, is 45 years.

Costa was unable to make a statement because his mouth is wired shut after his jaw was broken in several places while being subdued by the 8 officers. He also sustained 27 other fractures of various bones but was expected to recover within 24-36 months.

Milt Milthouse reporting from Karachi.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Bulldog Awakens Owner to Extend Own Lifespan

Dying bulldog saves self from Grand Rapids fire

May 25 2009 10:36AM CDT

A Michigan man's decision not to end his terminally ill bulldog's life enabled the dog to extend its own life.

Scott Seymour said his dog, Brittney, awakened him with her barking early Saturday in time for both of them to escape from his burning house in Grand Rapids.

Seymour, who, like so many dog owners who project their own human sentiments to their pets, actually believes his dog's primary concern is for its owner, in this instance, Seymour. Seymour thinks his bulldog barked at him when the house was on fire in order to save her owner from the flames. In reality, the dog was obeying its own instincts for survival, which meant getting out of the burning house.

The fire came two weeks after a veterinarian discovered the 9-year-old American bulldog had several cancerous tumors.

The vet said the dog might not survive surgery, and Seymour ruled out chemotherapy, believing it would be too hard on Brittney.

Seymour said he could have had Brittney put down, but instead decided to give her medication to blunt her pain until death comes naturally, probably within a few weeks. Of couse, Brittney was unaware of any of this when the fire broke out and was most likely thinking, "Hey, Seymour, wake up and open the frigging door before I'm toast."

Firefighters told The Grand Rapids Press the house may be a total loss.

A Whole Lot of Craps Going On.

Craps player sets record at NJ casino

May 24 2009 03:08PM CDT

Saturday was a record-setting night for a novice craps player at an Atlantic City casino.

Patricia Demauro set a new record for the longest craps roll, hanging on for four hours and 18 minutes at the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa.

Borgata officials say she beat the previous record by one hour and 12 minutes. They say Stanley Fujitake of Honolulu, set that record nearly 20 years ago in Las Vegas.

"This was only my second time playing craps, so this was very exciting for me to be a part of history," says Demauro, who lives in Denville in northern New Jersey.

Demauro bought into a game for $100 and quickly amassed a cheering crowd. When she finally lost around 12:31 a.m., after 154 rolls of the dice, she was greeted by Borgata with a champagne toast.

The casino wouldn't say how much Demauro won.

Several heavy set, swarthy males, apparently of Italian descent were seen following Demauro to her hotel room in the casino when she left the crap table about 1 AM, carrying some $10,000 in currency with her because she was too tired to wait for a casino check.

When other guests reported the suspicious looking men following Demauro, to the Hotel Manager, they were told there was no cause for alarm, that all hotel doors were double locked for security purposes and that Ms. Demauro could call down to the desk clerk if she were being attacked, who would call local police right away.

Ms. Demauro left the hotel abruptly, sometime during the night, without checking out. Hotel employees thought Ms. Demauro probably was in a hurry to get home and give the good news to her family and that she probably took a taxi, to avoid driving late at night, which explained why she left her own car in the hotel parking garage. "We expect she'll be coming back for her car in a day or two, after the excitement wears off," said the assistant hotel manager, a pimply faced teenager hired for the summer.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Topless Doughnut Shop?

Nudity complaint near Maine topless doughnut shop

May 24, 10:49 AM (ET)

VASSALBORO, Maine (AP) - Prosecutors will review a complaint that a waitress from a Maine topless doughnut shop was outside the business without a shirt on.

The Central Maine Morning Sentinel says a state trooper was sent to the Grand View Topless Coffee shop on Saturday after someone called in a complaint. Police say no one was charged, but the matter has been turned over to the district attorney for review.

It's unclear whether nudity outside the cafe is prohibited.

Vassalboro had considered banning nudity altogether after the shop opened in February, but officials now are proposing to specifically regulate where, when and how such businesses may operate. The revised ordinance comes up for a vote June 8.

A regular male patron of the doughnut shop, speaking on condition of sobriety, said city officials were hypocrites. "They go to some other town to watch nude dancing and maybe even go with an expensive prostitute. They just don't want to let the little man get a free titty show with his morning coffee. Hell, I think anybody should be permitted to walk around naked if they want to. Everybody already knows what they've got under them clothes anyway."

Convicted Raper Turned Hostess

Letourneau hosts 'Hot for Teacher' night at bar

Published - May 22 2009 08:02PM CDT

A teacher who became notorious in the 1990s for having an affair with a sixth-grader who was 12 years-old at the time is hosting a "Hot for Teacher" night at a Seattle bar _ along with the former student, now her husband. Bar owner Mike Morris said Mary Kay Letourneau has served her sentence and it's OK for the couple to have some fun.

The 47-year-old Letourneau served seven years in prison after pleading guilty in 1997to raping Vili Fualaau, now 26. They met when Fualaau was in second grade and began their affair when he was 12 and she was a 34-year-old married mother of four. They were married in 2005 and have two daughters together.

Morris said Saturday's event at Fuel Sports Eats & Beats will be their third "Hot for Teacher" night. She greets people and he DJs.

The couple are considering a companion act, "Teachers Hot for Students" which might raise some eyebrows and other body parts, depending on the audience.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Having Twins With Twice the Fun

Dallas, TX (almost anytime)

Twins, Different Fathers? A Texas mother of twins received the shock (you've got to be kidding) of a lifetime when doctors revealed that her 11-month-old boys do not have the same father.

Justin and Jordan Washington were born to mother Mia in Dallas, Texas seven minutes apart 11 months ago.

Mia, who cheated on her partner at the time she conceived, said that she had her twins' DNA tested after noticing how different they looked from each other. Jordan looked like her partner, James, and Justin looked like....hmmmmm, let me think here.

Paternity tests then revealed what had happened -- two eggs had been fertilized by two different sperm and there was a 99.99% chance the twins had different dads.

Doctors at the DNA lab in Dallas, Texas had never seen such a result.

Mia says that her partner James Harrison will raise both twins as his own and that Justin can meet his biological father when he has grown if he wishes.

The question is, who will Justin know to look for?

Man and Petite Woman Outduel Seven Foot Bull Shark

May 22, 2009

Luis Hernandez thought it was going to take a miracle for him to escape with his life when a 7 foot Bull shark attacked and clamped down on his left arm, with excruciating pressure. (Hernandez above left, Bullshark above right)

Instead it required only his 5', 2" 108 pound wife to save his life. After Hernandez had pried open the shark's jaws with his good hand, pulled out his mangled and bloody arm and waited helplessly in the water for the shark's return to finish its meal, his wife, Marlene, hauled up the anchor, started the motor on their small rental boat, and raced to her husband's rescue. She managed to pull the 160 pound Hernandez, with his useless arm, into the small boat.

Marlene held her stricken husband in her lap and called for help on a radio as she raced some four miles to shore, and help. Luis was treated in a local clinic before being airlifted to Jackson Memorial, where he has undergone five surgeries and expects to undergo several more as his surgeon, Dr. Roberto Miki, rebuilds his forearm.

Miki said the shark only narrowly missed severing an artery in Luis’ elbow.

“He was probably about an inch away from losing his arm and losing his life. An inch more and he probably would not have made it out of the water.”

The shark was not available for comment for this story, and it remains unclear who attacked whom, first. It's Hernandez' word against the shark's and Martinez was invading the shark's domain and threatening his family and friends with a speargun.

A Florida marine official, who asked to remain anonymous, said the shark was well within its rights and Hernandez is lucky to be alive. "There isn't a prosecutor in the state who would try to indict that shark," said the official.

U.S. Soldier Fights War in Pink Underpants and Flip Flops

WASHINGTON - U.S. Army Specialist Zachary Boyd was awakend by enemy fire in Afghanistan. Pausing only to grab his helmet, body armor and rifle, he rushed to his post to return fire, clad only in pink underwear and flip flops from the waist down. Across his butt was printed 'I Love New York.' Boyd is from Ft. Worth, TX.

The new, more fashionable military attire has not yet caught on, as the Pentagon continues to order and issue boring, plain white army underwear to the troops, along with the standard issue traditional army boots. "No Doc Martins or flip flops here said a spokesmas for the Army Quartermaster Corp," on condition of anonymity and mendacity.

Specilist Boyd's pink derriere was captured by an AP photographer and carried on the front page of the New York Times. Copies of the Times were snapped up in Kabul where they were used for target practice by Taliban sharpshooters.

Boyd and his comrades in arms initially were concerned that the photo would make them look bad. But their camp, located on a steep mountainside is no place for formalities. Many of the soldiers' uniforms have holes in them and some of them wear flea collars at night to ward off the bugs that infest their beds.

The photo drew a wide response on the Internet. A handful of irksome commentators found it an undignified representation of America’s fighting forces but they were viciously assaulted for their views and sent packing, to a chorus of boos.

Department stores throughout the nation saw a strong uptick in sales of pink boxer shorts, helping pump new life into sluggish retail sales. Some Wall Street analysts were forecasting a rise in the Dow Jones on Tuesday, when the stock exchange re-opens after the Memorial Day holiday. "Those pink underpants might be the beginning of a broad market rally," said one analyst, who was later terminated by his employer for gross stupidity, but was still able to cash in on a $2.6 million dollar termination bonus he earned for remaining at his desk during the near financial collapse of his employer.

Ismael Talibanister reporting from Kabul and Brooklyn.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sausage Poorly Concealed in Pants Proves to be Woman's Undoing.

Is That A Sausage In Your Pants, Miss?

Cops: Florida woman left 7-Eleven with "Big Mama" bulge in her pants

MAY 19--Meet Brittany Gariepy. The Florida woman was departing a 7-Eleven last night when a store clerk noticed a suspicious cylinder shaped bulge in the front of the 20-year-old's pants. Because whe was a female, the clerk became suspicious that Gariepy may have been shoplifting instead of being sexually aroused. Convenience store employees contacted a cop, who approached Gariepy in the parking lot. Though she initially denied swiping anything, Gariepy was confronted with evidence spotted inside her vehicle: an empty wrapper for a $1.19 Big Mama pickled sausage.

According to a Hernando County Sheriff's Office report, the lump that was "clearly visible inside [Gariepy's] pants" was a 2.4 ounce pork sausage that she apparently consumed post-theft. Gariepy, already on probation, was charged with shoplifting and possession of drug paraphernalia (a search of her vehicle turned up a pipe with methamphetamine residue). Gariepy is pictured in her police mug shot, without the bulge.

Multi-tasking Man Arrested in West Virginia, for Multi-tasking

Busted For Driving With One Hand

Cops: Truckers spotted West Virginia motorist holding his stick

MAY 19--Driving to see his girlfriend Sunday evening, Andrew Jones recalled being "excited" about their approaching rendezvous. Which might explain why Jones, 34, was allegedly masturbating while supposedly "talking dirty" to the woman on the phone (while simultaneously piloting his 2002 Chrysler Sebring). Of course, that doesn't really explain why the West Virginia man was wearing women's underwear and stockings at the time. Jones was busted by a state trooper after two separate truckers called 911 to report seeing a motorist "masturbating while driving." Jones, seen in the mug shot at right, was charged with indecent exposure and drug possession (a bag of methamphetamine and a pipe were found in his car), according to a misdemeanor criminal complaint filed in the case.

How Not To Abort The Fetus of the Girl You Knocked Up, to Escape Responsibility and Child Support

Man charged for putting cow abortion drug in girl's drink

May 20 2009 12:44PM CDT

A Pennsylvania man is in jail on charges he tried to kill the fetus of a 17-year-old girl by helping two teenage boys put an abortion-inducing cow hormone into her drink.

Forty-six-year-old Jonathan Imler, of Williamsburg, was charged and jailed in Blair County on Tuesday.

Police say the girl's 16-year-old boyfriend, who is the father of the child, another 17-year-old boy and Imler stole the hormone ProstaMate from a farm. The 17-year-old allegedly put a drop of it in the girl's Gatorade in March 2008.

The girl's mother said a friend told her daughter about the drink's contents later that day.

Police say they plan to charge the boys.

The girl has since given birth. Her mother says the hormone apparently didn't harm the baby. Doctor's said they hoped the child didn't have much of the father's genetic code. A hospital spokesperson, speaking on condition of homo sapiens, said, "The father is a borderline imbecile."

Man Eats Son's Eye.

California dad charged with biting out son's eye

May not be actual photo of Mendoza. Could be someone else.

May 18 2009 11:00PM CDT

A 4-year-old California boy may be permanently blinded after police say his father bit out one of his eyes and mutilated the other.

Bakersfield police say 34-year-old Angel Vidal Mendoza appeared to be under the influence of PCP when he attacked the boy April 28. Afterwards police say Mendoza rolled his wheelchair outside and began hacking at his own legs with an ax. Mendoza was crippled in an accident, while using PCP.

Four-year-old Angelo Mendoza Jr. told police, "my daddy ate my eyes."

Doctors at Mercy Hospital say it's unclear whether Angelo will regain vision in his right eye.

The boy's mother wasn't home at the time.

Mendoza is due in court Wednesday. Charges include mayhem, torture and child cruelty. Jail officials say they don't know whether he has an attorney.

Prospects do not look promising for Mendoza, who was convicted seven years ago for cutting off the arm of his sister with a hacksaw, again while using PCP.


Serial Shotgun Shooter?

Man Fires Shotgun At Fayetteville Radio Station

Posted: Mar 14, 2002

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Fayetteville police are looking for a man they say fired a shotgun at a radio station.

People were in the lobby of Cumulus Broadcasting on Drayton Road Tuesday when it happened, but no one was hurt.

Employees said they have seen the man before because he has vandalized the property. Police said he was driving a blue, mid-'80s model, S-10 extended pickup truck.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Man vs.Tractor or vs. Mowing, or vs. County, or vs. Worker, Or vs. Self ?

Not the actual shooter, a substitute shooter>>>>>

Ohio man pleads guilty to shooting tractor

May 19 2009 08:00PM CDT

A central Ohio man who fired five gunshots at a tractor being used to mow a ditch along his property has pleaded guilty to felonious assault and could be sent to prison. Pickaway County prosecutor Judy Wolford says Randall Turner entered the plea Friday. The 53-year-old Turner faces two to eight years in prison.

A tractor operator told sheriff's deputies Aug. 4 he'd been confronted by an angry man with a gun while he mowed the edge of Turner's property in Ashville, 20 miles south of Columbus.

Turner said he fired the shots to disable the tractor. The operator wasn't hurt, but a bullet ricocheted and grazed Turner's forehead.

Turner sued the county in 2007, saying his property had been damaged by the mowing. The lawsuit was dismissed last week. Now it will be revived, only with Turner as the Defendant in a criminal prosecution.

There was no word on the health of the tractor.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Man Attacked By Rat Snake in Own Toilet - Penis Envy He Claims.

May 11, 4:56 pm ET

TAIPEI (Reuters) – A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which attacked his penis as he sat on the toilet at his rural home, according to local media.

"As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up," the China Times said. "When he looked down, he saw the big snake, which quickly released it's grip on his member."

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, told reporters that he is exceptionally well-endowed and that he thought the snake attacked out of envy or perhaps because the snake thought his penis was another, rival snake. When reporters scoffed at the man's claims, he stood and started to unbutton his trousers. Two female reporters left the room but were later observed looking through some thin blinds that separate the exam room from the hallway. The attending physician ordered the man to cover his penis immediately.

A director at Puli Christian Hospital said the man was under medical care with minor injuries to his penis and gonads.

"As soon as he has passed the risk of infection, we want him out of here," said the director, who declined to be named. "Snakes' mouths are notorious for being filthy because they eat garbage and rotten meat." The patient, overhearing this conversation with reporters, rushed in and began unbuttoning his trousers to demonstrate that his penis was not rotten. An intern and two orderlies convinced the many to return to his cubicle by offering to thumb wrestle him.

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl. No images of the Taiwanese man's penis were shown for comparative purposes.

Snakes regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia. Some live there and become family pets.

(Reporting by Bluto)

Friday, May 15, 2009

Gibson Takes The Floor: Speak Gibson, Speak

World's tallest dog loses leg to bone cancer

May 15 2009 02:12PM CDT

The world's tallest dog is battling bone cancer that forced the amputation of one of his front legs.

Gibson stands 3 1/2-feet tall at the shoulder and is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records. The black and white great Dane from Grass Valley, Calif., stretches more than 7 feet tall when he stands on his hind legs.

Veterinarians found a tumor on Gibson's right front leg and had to amputate. The dog will also undergo chemotherapy. He was recuperating this week at his home in Grass Valley, a Gold Rush-era town 60 miles east of Sacramento.

Owner Sandy Hall says well-wishers from around the world have been asking how he is doing.

Gibson is a certified therapy dog and will soon return to work visiting veterans, sick children, burn victims and fellow cancer patients.

When asked by reporters what he thought about returning to work, Gibson replied, "Ruff,woof,woof,ruff, woof, woof," which, according to Ms. Hall translates: "Someone around here has to earn some money; it's certainly not Sandy. All she does is sit around watching TV all day and watching the dogs mate, so she can sell some more puppies. Like we need more Great Dane puppies in this country."

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Park Workers Pee In Old Faithful - Famous Geyser Responds

Two Yellowstone workers fired after peeing into famous geyser

May 14 2009 06:34PM CDT

Two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers have been fired after a live webcam caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser.

Park spokesman Al Nash says a 23-year-old man on Tuesday was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. The man also was banned from Yellowstone for two years.

The second employee's case is pending.

The park's dispatch center was called after someone watching a webcam on the geyser saw six employees leaving the trail and walking up to Old Faithful on May 4.

The geyser was not erupting at the time.

Xanterra Parks & Resorts general manager Jim McCaleb says the former concession workers were hired at the Old Faithful Inn and that such incidents were rare.

"There really aren't a lot of people in America who want to urinate into the country's most famous geyser," said a dismayed McCaleb. "You really have to have a twisted mind to do that."

The geyser fought back, however, with a tremendous eruption only minutes after the workers had moved away, disgorging the offending urine in one of the strongest eruptions experienced in recent years, according to a local geologist who has studied the geyser's pattern of eruptions for more than 30 years.

When asked what he thought of the mammoth eruption only minutes after he had peed into the geyser's opening, one of the workers replied, "Holy shit." The other worker declined to comment on the grounds his own words would only echo those of his co-worker.

George Peabody, an unidentified spokesman for a local charismatic church near the park,that uses the water from Old Faithful in its religious ceremonies as a soul cleansing and purifying agent of God, said the church would have to rethink its epistemological principles in light of the discovery. "We can't have our congregants concerned about whether or not they are being baptized in urine. This is very demoralizing and already has led to a 28% decline in church membership. It's definitely hurting our bottom line. We have a building fund drive going on to build a new sanctuary and something like this could knowck the hell out of it."

Me, Insensitive? That broad got what she deserved. I knocked her cockeyed.

Ms. Washington after attack>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Yet another Charge of Insensitivity for Judge Sanctioned Previously for Wearing Blackface

By Beatrice Boop May 14, 2008

A Louisiana judge sanctioned for wearing blackface at a Halloween party could face discipline in another case, this time over comments he made to a woman seeking a restraining order against her husband.

Five years ago, Judge Theodore Edridge of Houma was suspended for six months and ordered to take a sociology course because he dressed as an inmate for Halloween while wearing an Afro-type wig and black makeup, the Associated Press reports.

In the latest incident, recorded on audiotape, Edridge refused a restraining order sought by Eula Belle Washington, calling her petition “crap,” the New Orleans Times-Picayune reports. In the March 2007 hearing, Edridge said Washington's husband, George, had not abused her or his children. "Heat, big smoke, but no fire,” Edridge said. “Dismissed. You want a divorce, get a divorce. You're not getting a TRO. See y'all later."

He also congratulated Washington's husband, George Washington, XII for threatening to make his 2-year-old daughter's "booty bleed" if she didn't behave herself at a Subway restaurant. “Can't you find a better place to eat than that?" Edridge asked.

When interviewed, Judge Edridge, who is almost dead, said, "Every woman needs a good pounding now and then, to keep her in line. I got that from a judge in New York and I been looking for a chance to use it ever since. I think that's one of the funniest things I ever heard," said the 96 year-old judge, who must be wheeled in and out of the courtroom on a hospital gurney, by a hospice worker assigned to "keep him alive" because no substitute judge is available at the present time.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

There's Something About a Mother's Love - Unwavering, Unconditional, Unavailable

Missouri mom accused of using child to block Taser, child toasted

Substitute mother and child....not the real parties>>>>>>>

May 13 2009 08:15PM CDT

Police said a northeast Missouri mother used her 1-year-old child to shield a man from a Taser during a confrontation with officers. The woman, 20, was charged with endangering the welfare of a child and interfering with an arrest. She was arrested Tuesday night and placed at the Marion County jail on a 24-hour hold.

The child, whose gender police did not release, was placed with another family member.

Officers were at an apartment checking on an assault claim made by the woman when a man confronted them, making threats. One of the officers displayed a Taser as the man approached.

Police said the mother offered her child to the man, placing the toddler in the Taser's path. The man, 22, faces two counts of resisting arrest.

When criticized by police for placing her own child in harm's way, the woman, sobbing, responded, "But I love him. What if they taser his penis and balls? I have to think about my own happiness, too."

Even Crooks Have to Eat....Sometime

Hungry Suspect Arrested in Taco Bell Parking Lot

May 12 2009 11:49PM CDT

Officials said a suspected drug dealer who led police on a high speed chase in Indiana was arrested after he stopped suddenly in a Taco Bell parking lot.

Fort Wayne police Sgt. Mark Walters said 36-year-old Jermaine Askia Cooper told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get "one last burrito."

He offered to resume the car chase with police if he first could eat just one burrito. Officers declined the offer.

Cooper was held without bail on four counts of dealing cocaine, one count of resisting arrest by fleeing and other charges. It was not clear if the suspect got to purchase the burrito before being driven away by police officers.

A voicemail mailbox for a listing for a Jermaine Cooper in Fort Waine was full and not accepting messages, so reporters left a message anyway.

Police say the chase began Tuesday after officers spotted Cooper, who was wanted on other charges, and tried to pull him over. "He put the pedal to the metal and the chase was on. Hell, we was hitting 85-95. It was fun while it lasted," said one of the officers involved in the pursuit, who was ordered not to speak to reporters or anyone else unless specifically authorized.

A representative from Taco Bell, who called the jail seeking an interview with Mr. Cooper to discuss appearing in a Taco Bell commercial, was warned by police not to call again or he could be joining Mr. Cooper in his cell, overnight.

Bridgitte Bell (no relation to the fast food chain) contributed to this story from East Timor.

"So when you see moose, up in the sky, you soon will see moose who're going to die..."

Motorist: 500-pound moose 'fell out of the sky'

May 12 2009 08:01PM CDT

Police said a 500-pound moose fell 18 feet to its death when it apparently leaped a guardrail on an Interstate 95 overpass and landed on Hinckley Road. Officials learned of the incident when a motorist called the town office shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday and told assistant town clerk Shirley Bailey that "a moose just fell out of the sky."

Bailey said the driver, who was under a bridge when he spotted the falling moose, was "pretty excited about it." Bailey said she at first thought the caller was drunk. "We get falling moose calls from drunks all the time," she said.

Police Chief Charles Runnels said the yearling bull probably panicked because of the noise and traffic along I-95 and began running. He said it just picked the wrong spot to try to cross the interstate, falling onto the road instead of landing in a field. "There was a clearly marked moose crossing within sight but the moose apparently didn't notice it. It could have saved his life," said the shaken police veteran.

A passerby with a wrecker hauled away the carcass. It was not clear if any of the moose's next of kin had been notified.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Florida Police Issued Quick Guide to Determine Nudity on Local Beaches

A Suspect

4/06/09 Vero Beach, Fla.

In April, the City Council of Vero Beach, Fla., grappling with the question of how much skin can legally be exposed in public, adopted the definitions that at least two other Florida jurisdictions use. "Buttocks," for example, is "the area of the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e., the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible (sic) of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower."

Following the council's unanimous adoption of the guidelines, Vero Beach Mayor Biff Bottoms told reporters that the guidelines "would enable police to make a quick and accurate determination of whether or not an individual was in violation of the Town Nudity Ordinance."

In response to reporters' questions, the police chiefs of the two towns already using the guidelines, admitted it sometimes required up to one or two hours for an officer to make an accurate determination that would stand up in court. "It's a hands on assessment that has to be handled carefully and with utmost respect for the rights of the suspect. You can't just send officers out there to start grabbing young women's asses," said Chief Allen Nutskill.

The otherchief, Roland Dinkwater, said that because of the small size of the local police force, greater efficiency and reduced time could be attained by the assignment of a single member of the force to conduct all such inspections, to insure uniformity and consistency. The chief indicated that because of his more flexible schedule he would probably be the most likely candidate for the job. "We don't want to take our regular patrol officers out of duty when they should be protecting citizens from violent crimes, burglaries and other felonies. It's a matter of the best use of limited resources."

When contacted for comment, a spokeswoman for a local women's rights organization said, "These dumb bastards don't have the good sense to come in out of the rain. The first time they go out on the public beaches and start inspecting and measuring women's asses, they will be up to their own asses in civil rights violations and lawsuits. The EEOC will have more investigators down here than there are cops."

In an on-the-spot unbiased survey of 36 beachgoers, half men and half women, 18 of the men thought the woman photographed was either adequately covered or could uncover still more without violating the law. Of the 18 women surveyed, all 18 said the woman was "a common slut."

Monday, May 11, 2009

Open-Minded Christian School Teachers & Officials Encourage Ecumenical Warfare

The guy....The girlfriend

Ohio teen suspended for going to girlfriend's prom

May 11 2009 03:10PM CDT

A northwest Ohio teenager has been suspended by his Christian school because he attended another high school's prom. Officials at Heritage Christian School in Findlay had warned 17-year-old Tyler Frost that he would be suspended and prohibited from attending graduation if he went to the public school dance over the weekend with his girlfriend, who is 16.

Heritage's principal, Jebediah Branchwater, told a Jewish reporter, "Hell, just because we're God fearing Christians don't mean we don't know what those Jezebel sluts from the public schools are up to. The're after our young, virgin, Christian boys with whom they want to fornicate and do other nasty things like holding hands and deep throat kissing. Their ultimate goal is to get knocked up by one of our boys, who will feel obligated to marry them, live with them in perpetual sin, fornicating constantly, and be lured away from their Christian home here at Heritage. It's all part of a grand secular design, financed by pagans and blasphemers, backed by Moscow, in order to harm our bottom line and put us out of business, doing God's work here on earth."

Frost says he didn't think going to the dance was wrong even though his fundamentalist Baptist school forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding, smiling at girls, looking at girls, walking down a hall with a girl, talking to girls, looking at magazines with pictures of girls, and having carnal thoughts about girls.

Frost didn't go to school Monday. Instead, he and his girlfriend are heading to New York for a Tuesday morning TV interview. They will be staying in the Honeymoon suite of a luxury hotel near 42d street, paid for by the TV show, and will be treated to an all expenses paid one week tour of the Big Apple.

The teen says he's now getting Facebook and e-mail messages from around the world, all supporting his decision, including Hugh Hefner, 50 Cent, an archbishop from Portugal, a royal prince from Austria, Hugh Grant, and dozens of other celebrities who want to know if the public school girls are "really like that."

His girlfriend, who asked to remain anonymous because she is underage, said she lost her virginity at age 11 and was glad she did. "I've had more dates since then than I had during the previous 6 years. It's been a wild ride."

When asked what she thought about her boyfriend's expulsion from his own school, she said, "He doesn't know how lucky he is to get away from those nut cases running that school. Half the girls I know from Heritage have been banging their boyfriends since they were 14. Heritage should change its name to Sin City High, ha, ha."

Contributing to this story was Sinbad Marcuse, in Lagos.

Man Arrested for Efforts to Stimulate New Employment in Television Industry.

PITTSFIELD (AP) May 7, 2009

Pittsfield Man Takes 'Bad Day' Out On Wal-Mart TV's

Police say a Pittsfield man "having a bad day" walked into a city Wal-Mart and used an aluminum baseball bat to smash 16 flat-screen televisions worth $13,000.

Police told The Berkshire Eagle that 26-year-old Nicholas Adornetto walked into the store at about 1 p.m. on Thursday, grabbed a bat in the sporting goods section and walked to the electronics department, where he started swinging.

Adornetto expressed anger at the government and complained of being unemployed. He had recently been laid off from his job with a television manufacturer.

Detective Sgt. Marc Strout says when police arrived, Adornetto was "peaceful, calm and cooperative. He told Sgt. Strout he was only trying to stimulate employment in the television industry and perhaps get his old job back."

Adornetto was arraigned Friday in Central Berkshire District Court on 16 counts of vandalizing property and one count of disorderly conduct. Bail was set at $500 and the case continued until May 11.

According to acquaintances Adornetto had been practicing smashing computer monitors with a bat before heading out to Wal-Mart. "He had a real sweet swing," said a neighbor who refused to be identified but gave reporters the names of other neighhbors who might have seen Adornetto, too.

A spokeswoman for Wal-Mart said the giant retailer appreciated the free publicity. "Now customers will know we are one of the largest retail outlets for TVs and that we carry bats to go with them," said the spokeswoman, on condition of imbecility. She was fired immediately by Wal-Mart and ordered never to return to Wal-Mart for any reason. When last seen the ex-employee was walking to her car, in the Wal-Mart parking lot, crying. She had just been mugged in the parking lot.

So it goes.

Adornetto did not immediately return a call. He probably never will.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Just Released Prisoner Rebusted For Theft From Prison He Was Just Released From

California man arrested for allegedly stealing jail-issued shirt

MAY 6--Only a day after being released from a county jail, a man was re-arrested when observed wearing a jail-issued t-shirt with the word "PRISONER" printed on the back. Israel Ramirez, 20, who has a similar IQ, said when he was being released from the Fresno County Jail, he slipped a Southpole shirt over the jail t-shirt and walked out. Israel said he knew the t-shirt belonged to the Fresno County Jail but wanted to take one home because it looked 'cool.' Ramirez now will have the opportunity to 'cool' his heels, again, in the same county jail where he had previously been locked up on marijuana and child abuse charges. This time he was jailed for possession of stolen property. Ramirez is pictured above in a police evidence photo snapped after he was pulled over while riding a "chrome 20" bicycle. He needs to get a different number.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

This Is One For The Birds - Really

Bird Smugglers Apprehended, Indicted

Men charged for illegally importing magpies, robins, bul-buls

MAY 5--Two California men were indicted on federal charges that they illegally smuggled Asian songbirds into the country, most recently last month when one of the defendants, returning from a trip to Vietnam, was found with 14 live birds strapped to his legs. (See photo) Customs and Border Protection (CBP) agents at Los Angeles International Airport found the birds in Sony Dong's pants. While inspecting Dong agents "found bird feathers and droppings on his socks, as well as birds' tail feathers visible under his pants." A fuller search revealed 14 live birds attached to two flat pieces of cloth that were wrapped around his calves. The birds included three red-whiskered bul-buls (which is listed as an injurious species under federal law), four magpie robins and six shama thrush." The birds each appear to have been placed in sleeves that were hooked on to the cloth around Dong's legs. A second man, Duc Le, 34, was later arrested in connection with the bird smuggling. Dong told investigators he purchased birds for $50 each and re-sold them for $300-$400 apiece.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Shotgun Face - Monster Woman

Her expressions are still a bit wooden, but she can talk, smile, smell and taste her food again. Her speech is at times a little tough to understand. Her face is bloated and squarish. Her skin droops in big folds that doctors plan to pare away as her circulation improves and her nerves grow, animating her new muscles.

"I guess I'm the one you came to see today," said Juanita Culp, a 46-year-old Ohio woman, at a news conference at the Cleveland Clinic, where she underwent a groundbreaking, full face transplant operation. But "I think it's more important that you focus on the donor family that made it so I could have this person's face."

Until Tuesday, Culp's identity and how she came to be disfigured were a secret.

Culp's husband, Thomas, shot her in 2004, then turned the gun on himself. He went to prison for seven years. His wife was left clinging to life. The blast shattered her nose, cheeks, the roof of her mouth and an eye. Hundreds of fragments of shotgun pellet and bone splinters were embedded in her face. She needed a tube into her windpipe to breathe. Only her upper eyelids, forehead, lower lip and chin were left.

She endured 30 operations to try to fix her face. Doctors took parts of her ribs to make cheekbones and fashioned an upper jaw from one of her leg bones. She had countless skin grafts from her thighs. Still, she was left unable to eat solid food, breathe on her own, or smell.

Then, on Dec. 10, in a 22-hour operation, Dr. Maria Siemionow led a team of doctors who replaced 80 percent of Culp's face with bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from another woman who had just died. It was the fourth face transplant in the world, though the others were not as extensive.

"Here I am, five years later. I got me my nose," Culp said, laughing.

In January, she was able to eat pizza, chicken and hamburgers for the first time in years. She loves to have cookies with a cup of coffee, Siemionow said.

No information has been released about the donor or how she died, but her family members were moved when they saw before-and-after pictures of Culp, Siemionow said.

Culp said she wants to help foster acceptance of those who have suffered burns and other disfiguring injuries.

It's a role she has already practiced, said clinic psychiatrist Dr. Kathy Coffman.

Once while shopping, she heard a little kid say, `You said there were no real monsters, Mommy, and there's one right there,'" Coffman said. Culp stopped and said, "I'm not a monster. I'm a person who was shot," and pulled out her driver's license to show the child what she used to look like, the psychiatrist said.

The clinic expects to absorb the cost of the transplant because it was experimental, doctors said. Siemionow estimated it at $250,000 to $300,000. That is less than the $1 million that other surgeons estimate it costs them to treat other severely disfigured people through dozens of separate operations, she said.

Also at the Cleveland Clinic is Charla Nash of Stamford, Conn., who was attacked by a friend's chimpanzee in February. She lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids, and will be blind, doctors said. Clinic officials said it is premature to discuss the possibility of a face transplant for her.

In April, doctors at Harvard-affiliated Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston performed the nation's second face transplant, on a man disfigured in a freak accident. It was the world's seventh such operation. The first, in 2005, was performed in France on Isabelle Dinoire, a woman who had been mauled by her dog.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Source of Swine Flu Discovered in Texas

4 May, 09 BP

Health authorities uncover surprising origin of Swine Flu strain in rural Texas.

U.S. Health Authorities from the Atlanta Disease Control Center were calling for county-wide testing to determine if the sometimes fatal disease had been spread throughout a South Texas county. Authorities have not disclosed the exact location or the name of the affected county, out of concern the news might trigger panic and an exodus of persons who might already be infected, thus spreading the disease to other parts of the state or to other states.

At the same time authorities would like to test every individual living in Duval County, to determine how many might already be infected. With a total population of approximately 13,000, authorities estimated it could take as much as 10 days to test everyone, at a total cost of about $250,000. It was not immediately clear where the money would come from but some officials suggested a part of the stimulus money for Texas could be siphoned off for the tests.

An anonymous source, close to Republican Governor Bick Berry, said the Governor was not inclined to divert stimulus money to help prevent a deadly disease in Duval County, which is heavily Democratic and did not support him in the last gubernatorial election. The source, Julian Latterfield, speaking only on condition of severe laryngitis and total memory loss, if his name should be inadvertently revealed, said there was general agreement in the Governor's office that it would be foolish to waste such a large amount of public funds on a bunch of already sick and poverty stricken Mexicans, who are not expected to live long lives and were probably in the country illegally to begin with. The Governor's public relations director, Sam Slick, characterized the Governor's approach as compassionate neglect.

Jorge Amato contributed to this story from Helsinki

Speechless in Nebraska - Drunk Woman Runs Amok With Car

Police: driver caused $26K damages, arrested. Her car>>>

May 02 2009 02:26AM CST

Police say a woman arrested in Nebraska on suspicion of drunken driving hit fences, garages and a house as she left a $26,000 trail of destruction.

Sgt. Ed Watts says the woman's car struck a fence while she was trying to turn into an alley Thursday night. He says the car next hit a utility pole and then a garage while trying to turn into it. Wyatt says the car then crossed a yard, rammed a fence and hit a house and garage. A witness to the carnage remarked, "Suspicion of drunk driving...? Hell, she was drunk as a skunk."

Police say they arrested 58-year-old Fremont resident Janis Brown, who posted a $200 bond and was released from jail. Authorities say the woman's car also had about $25,000 in damages.

Attempts to reach Brown for comment Friday were unsuccessful. There is no public listing for her phone number. A neighbor said he thought she had fled to Costa Rica. "She don't have much to look forward to around here no more," he added.

Betsy Bottomhouse reporting from Omaha


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Welcome Back Joe Milano - Calzone or Assault and Battery To Go? - Customer Satisfaction Guaranteed

We all remember Joe Milano, who pistol whipped a customer at his Florida Pizza Restaurant for complaining when the order delivered to his home turned out not to be what was requested. Joe lost it and attacked the customer and a friend when they came to pick up a promised refund.

That was bad enough, but Joe, who enjoyed a lengthy association with the New York Mafia, before moving to Florida under the federal witness protection program after ratting out his former employers, members of the Bonanno crime family in New York. Joe, who has acknowledged having an anger management problem, blew his cool and his cover when he attacked and pistol whipped his own customers and was arrested by Florida police. (See earlier story in this blog, dated Jan. 27.) Here's the latest news about the beleagured Joe.

Joseph Milano, owner of Goomba's Pizza in Palm Coast, Fla., was in the federal witness protection program for squealing on Bonanno crime family members in New York but lost his anonymity in January when he was arrested for allegedly pistol-whipping a customer who had dared to criticize his calzone. [New York Daily News, 2-7-09]

In late breaking news it was announced by a spokesman for the Bonann0 crime family that Mr. Milano was scheduled to be slain within the next 24 hours. Funeral arrangements were on hold, pending verification of his death. When assasinated, Mr. Milano will leave a wife and two children, ages 12 and 9, all residents of Palm Coast, Florida. With the termination of Mr. Milano's federal witness protection, all three are expected to be murdered, in revenge.

Landing In A Pile of Sh-t?

Small plane crash softened by Outhouses in Wash state

May 02 2009 12:15PM CST

A small airplane dropping from the sky after its engine failed wound up on a cushioning bunch of portable toilets _ and the pilot was able to walk away apparently unhurt, except for a strong odor.

Gary Mayor of the Federal Aviation Administration says the Cessna 182 crashed Friday afternoon in Washington state after taking off from Thun Field, an airfield owned by Pierce County southeast of Tacoma.

Sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer says the plane was about 150 feet in the air when the engine quit.

Troyer told The News Tribune that the pilot tried to turn around to land but didn't quite make it.

The plane hit a fence, flipped over and landed upside down on top of the portable toilets standing in a storage yard.

To the pilot's great relief authorities didn't immediately release his or her identity. "I figured they needed some time to go home and clean up before answering any reporters' questions," said Mr. Troyer. A spokesman for the portable toilet company declined to comment, citing company rules of personal hygiene.