Florida Police Issued Quick Guide to Determine Nudity on Local Beaches

A Suspect

4/06/09 Vero Beach, Fla.

In April, the City Council of Vero Beach, Fla., grappling with the question of how much skin can legally be exposed in public, adopted the definitions that at least two other Florida jurisdictions use. "Buttocks," for example, is "the area of the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e., the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible (sic) of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower."

Following the council's unanimous adoption of the guidelines, Vero Beach Mayor Biff Bottoms told reporters that the guidelines "would enable police to make a quick and accurate determination of whether or not an individual was in violation of the Town Nudity Ordinance."

In response to reporters' questions, the police chiefs of the two towns already using the guidelines, admitted it sometimes required up to one or two hours for an officer to make an accurate determination that would stand up in court. "It's a hands on assessment that has to be handled carefully and with utmost respect for the rights of the suspect. You can't just send officers out there to start grabbing young women's asses," said Chief Allen Nutskill.

The otherchief, Roland Dinkwater, said that because of the small size of the local police force, greater efficiency and reduced time could be attained by the assignment of a single member of the force to conduct all such inspections, to insure uniformity and consistency. The chief indicated that because of his more flexible schedule he would probably be the most likely candidate for the job. "We don't want to take our regular patrol officers out of duty when they should be protecting citizens from violent crimes, burglaries and other felonies. It's a matter of the best use of limited resources."

When contacted for comment, a spokeswoman for a local women's rights organization said, "These dumb bastards don't have the good sense to come in out of the rain. The first time they go out on the public beaches and start inspecting and measuring women's asses, they will be up to their own asses in civil rights violations and lawsuits. The EEOC will have more investigators down here than there are cops."

In an on-the-spot unbiased survey of 36 beachgoers, half men and half women, 18 of the men thought the woman photographed was either adequately covered or could uncover still more without violating the law. Of the 18 women surveyed, all 18 said the woman was "a common slut."