Saturday, May 29, 2010

She could cause a shortage of the little blue pill...

Amanda Flowers From England Says a Fall From Her Wii Fit Turned Her in to a Sex Addict

April 14, 2010 Manchester, UK

In a rather strange turn of events, a woman from Manchester says that after falling from her Wii Fit, she is now a sex addict. She said that she was using the Wii Fit and she fell from the board and suffered what doctors are calling a 'damaged nerve'. It is not known exactly what she hit when she fell from the board, or how exactly she fell because the board is not far off the ground, but she apparently now requires up to 10 sex sessions a day in order to control her nymphomania.

She told the Daily Star: “It began as a twinge down below before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm.”

She says now even the vibration from her cell phone or from a small appliance can turn her on. She has been diagnosed with persistent sexual arousal syndrome and the only way for Amanda to deal with it so far is to breathe deeply and try to control her cravings.

Amanda is also currently single.

Monday, May 24, 2010

New Sausage Seasoning Wins Favor Among Mass. Connoiseurs

Police: Man sucked into sausage seasoning machine

May 23 2010 T

DANVERS, Mass.— Police said a cleaning man was taken to a hospital after being sucked into a machine at a sausage-making company in Danvers. The accident happened Thursday night as the man was cleaning the vacuum-type machine that is used to season the meat at DiLigui Sausage Co. Police said the man's head and shoulders became stuck in the machine after it somehow activated while being cleaned.

Lt. Carole Germano told The Salem News that the man _ whose name was not released _ was freed from the machine and showed no obvious sign of trauma, but was taken to a hospital as a precaution.

The man subsequently died from a severe staph infection contracted while a patient in the hospital. An anonymous attorney, who claimed to represent the man, said his client should have refused admission to the hospital, which was cited by state health officials 540 times in the past year for filthy, cockroach infested kitchens, medical instrument disinfecters that were inoperable and unplugged, the absence of hand soap for physician use in operating rooms, and animal feces left to dry on hospital floors so they could be more easily swept out the door.

"It's really disgusting and stinks in here all the time," according to a hospital employee, Jerome Tinkersley, who spoke on condition of anonimity because he feared the loss of his job. Good luck, Jerome.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Opportunism and Religion - The Perfect Bedfellows

biologos’ karl giberson pulls a mooney

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

When you’re in the mood for post-modernist and pseudo-spiritualist blather, there’s no place on the web quite like the Huffington Post to get your fix. From angry, anti-science screeds by New Age gurus and exercises in intellectual laziness from self-appointed philosophers, to inane rants equating teaching science in science classes to pedophilia and exorable alt med woo, it seems that pretty much anyone with a pulse and disdain for the real world is welcome to a column at HuffPo. This time, a member of the Templeton funded project for the watered down apologetics of Francis Collins, BioLogos, decided to take a page from Chris Mooney and blame scientists for being unable to dispel creationism, and then offers the very same kind of pseudoscientific obfuscation that brought it into the public sphere and allows it to endure in a feat of scientific dishonesty.

I’m really not surprised that Karl Giberson would dive into Discovery Institute style fallacies since I generally expect far lower scientific standards when Templeton’s projects are involved and this time is no different. We start right off the bat with arguments that seem to be cribbed from Bill Dembski’s rants at Uncommon Descent and offered with absolutely no real meaning or definition behind them.

… ID’s coffin is far from being nailed shut. Several things are propping it open: 1) The complex designs of many natural structures that have not yet been explained by science. As long as there are ingenious devices and intricate phenomena in nature (origin of life, anyone?) that we cannot understand, there will be ID arguments.

Saying that something is complex without offering a real definition of complexity is not a scientific argument. If you remember my explanation why terms like "design" and "specified complexity" which are hurled around by the talking heads at the Discovery Institute are just meaningless technobabble, you’ll probably note that what Giberson is doing here is no different. He’s saying that as long as there’s something we don’t understand, we will always have people who want to throw in a completely unfounded, religious explanation to affirm their faith and he’s right in that regard. But he couldn’t possibly be more wrong in saying that opportunistic cranks lend a serious, scientific legitimacy to creationism. That’s like saying that a shaman in the Amazon lends credence to faith healing in the absence of modern, scientific medicine.

2) The remarkable, finely-tuned structure of the cosmos in which the laws of physics collaborate to make life possible. Many agnostics have had their faith in unguided materialism shaken by this, most recently Anthony Flew.

Oh of course, because an old agnostic who flip-flopped on his faith throughout his life was swayed, surely we all must bow down and covert too, just as soon as we get our own creationist mentor like Flew did. The notion of a finely tuned cosmos is not supported by physics or biology, and it’s actually a product of a self-absorbed attitude which holds humans as the pinnacle of creation while deeming this somehow noble in a backward look at pretty much of all history, chemistry, physics and zoology.

3) The widespread belief that God – an intelligent agent – created the universe. The claim that an intelligent God created an unintelligent universe seems peculiar, to say the least.

And this is the only point on which he’s actually correct. People want to believe that they’re special, that there’s an omnipotent deity which created them, which watches over them, and if they pray hard enough and are just pious enough and properly adhere to certain books, they’ll be rewarded by paradise. This is the one and only reason why creationism persists and every other argument ever summoned for it comes from the deep need to keep one’s faith going.

4) The enthusiastic insistence by New Atheists that evolution is incompatible with belief in God. Most people think more highly of their religion than their science. Imagine trying to get 100 million Americans to dress up for a science lecture every Sunday morning — and then voluntarily pay for the privilege.

I could imagine it. Just give me about five generations, the ability to set up my own culture and overcome all of the objections from scientists who’ll insist that selling their work as the one, sole absolute truth is not ethically responsible. People go to church because that’s what they did for as long as anyone can remember. And yes, if you’re going to accept evolution as a real science, you can’t just pick and choose what parts of the theory you will re-attribute to a deity on your personal whim. That kind of attitude may pass in church, but not in a lab.

If the scientific community wants to dislodge ID, they need to start by admitting that their efforts have been an abysmal failure so far. And then they need to turn their considerable analytical skills on the problem of explaining that failure.

Funny how this advice comes from an apologist on a payroll of Evangelical billionaires trying to buy their way into the scientific community who just laid out vague, pseudoscientific, pro-creationism fallacies. I hope he’s not serious about the scientific community taking his advice seriously because it would be like listening to an arsonist how to build houses and how to fight fires. Skeptics and scientists know why they can’t just dislodge creationism. It’s because of people like Collins, Gilberson, their bosses, and Christian fundamentalists.

If they do this, they might discover that enthusiastic pronouncements like “ID is dead” or “science has proven God does not exist” or “religion is stupid” or “creationists are insane” are not effective. They might discover that affirming that the universe is wonderful, despite our bad backs and the nonsense in our genomes, makes it easier for people to accept the bad design in nature.

And now we’ve reached the final part of the performance, the piece in which the apologist projects his inability to appreciate nature’s flaws on scientists who say that these flaws are proof that nature is far more elaborate, complex and nuanced than any myth of an old man in a white robe and sandals waiving it into existence. He’s desperate to see his religious beliefs justified and lacking any sort of proof for them, he resorts to absolutely meaningless affirmations about beauty and complexity. You see, Giberson really wants to be special, living in a universe designed for him and when those mean old scientists say they have no proof for his fantasies, his response is to craft an elaborate bandwagon fallacy and tell scientists to obey the crowd. Maybe, one day, he and his bosses will get over themselves and when they do, creationism will finally start to die.

Nevada Woman Uses Boobs As Distraction To Steal Wine

Nev. woman accused of stealing wine while topless

May 22 2010 06:14PM CST

MINDEN, Nev.— A Nevada woman is accused of stealing a bottle of wine from a store while she was topless and intoxicated.

Brandi Smith, of Gardnerville, acknowledged her behavior was "mind-boggling" during an appearance Wednesday before a judge to face charges of indecent exposure, felony drunken driving and burglary.

Authorities say the 41-year-old was arrested May 10 after stealing a $20 bottle of wine, then driving to a nearby fast-food restaurant, where an off-duty sheriff's deputy kept her in the vehicle until other deputies arrived. When the other deputies arrived, they found the off-duty deputy carefully watching the woman to guard against any possible cover-up of the evidence.

A preliminary test revealed a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 percent, nearly twice the legal limit. The subject denied drinking alcohol, saying she was allergic to it and the reading obtained by officers was a false positive. Statistical experts from a nearby community college were called in by the Sheriff's Office to investigate the woman's claims, according to an anonymous source, Gerald Whitebridge, who declined to reveal his identity, pending completion of the investigation.

A records search found Smith has two prior convictions of driving under the influence in California. She claimed both of those convictions were obtained when police got a false positive because of her allergies.

A skeptical judge ordered her to remain in jail on $5,000 bail. The woman's court appointed attorney said he planned to withdraw from the woman's case as soon as the judge would allow it.

Former Harvard Student Indicted

Smart Enough to Scam Harvard - Oughta be worth Something...

May 17, 2010

A former Harvard student was indicted Monday for falsifying information in his applications to Harvard and for several scholarships.

Adam Wheeler, 23, was indicted on 20 counts of larceny, identity fraud, falsifying an endorsement or approval, and pretending to hold a degree. Wheeler was allegedly "untruthful" in his applications to the University and in scholarship applications, according to a statement released Monday by Middlesex District Attorney Gerry Leone.

As a senior in September 2009, Wheeler allegedly submitted fraudulent applications for the Harvard endorsement for both the United States Rhodes Scholarship and the Fulbright Scholarship. His application packet included fabricated recommendations from Harvard professors and a college transcript detailing perfect grades over three years. Wheeler's resume listed numerous books he had co-authored, lectures he had given, and courses he had taught, according to authorities.

Wheeler's transgressions came to light when a Harvard professor noticed similarities between Wheeler's work and that of another professor during the application review process for the Rhodes Scholarship. The professor then compared the two pieces and voiced concerns that Wheeler plagiarized nearly the entire piece.

University officials and Harvard police discovered that Wheeler never attended MIT or Phillips Academy in Andover, as his file claimed. In addition, Wheeler’s SAT scores were not perfect, as conveyed in a College Board document in his file. Wheeler's recommendations—allegedly signed by professors at Bowdoin College- were falsely attributed to individuals who said that they did not know Wheeler and had not written the letters, according to the press release.

The defendant is alleged to have "stolen over $45,000 in grants, scholarship and financial aid money awarded to him on applications and submissions of documents that were based on lies and reproductions of other people’s hard work,” Leone said in the statement.

This is not the first time Wheeler has fallen under scrutiny for offenses in an academic setting. He was suspended from Bowdoin due to academic dishonesty. An English concentrator, he received a Hoopes Prize in the spring of 2009 for a project that he had completed during his junior year.

“He was a good guy who didn’t talk about his academics or his life history much (gotta give 'em credit for that), but he came off as very smart. We just allowed him his privacy,” a source close to Wheeler, who did not wish to be named, said in an interview Monday.

Wheeler did not receive a Harvard degree, according to Jeff Neal, spokesperson for the Faculty of Arts and Sciences. However, he's likely photoshopping one at this very moment.

The defendant will be arraigned Tuesday at the Middlesex Superior Court, pro se, impersonating a lawyer.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Naked Muslim Claims God Told Him To Do It

Man tells cops God told him to stroll in the nude

May 20 2010

THIBODAUX, La.— A naked man told police God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul. He was arrested and charged with obscenity. Thibodaux police responded to a complaint around 2 a.m. Thursday and found Shafiq Mohamed walking nude down the street. When approached, Mohamed reportedly told officers that "America raped him" and added God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul. He offered no explanation why America would want to rape him.

Mohamed was booked into the Lafourche Parish Detention Center where he awaited bail.

It was not immediately known whether Mohamed has an attorney.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ohio Teenager Cuts Loose at High School Prom

Cops: An intoxicated Ohio teen assaulted, spit blood at cops

MAY 17--Jessica Halter may be only 18 but she packs an attitude and a mouth not unlike that of a professional TV wrestler. Jessica was busted at her high school prom Saturday night when she assaulted a cop, faced down a paramedic with a well timed kick and unleashed a "bloody ball of spit" at another cop.

School administrators approached an officer working the North Ridgeville High School prom to report several complaints about the "highly intoxicated" Halter. When presented with these complaints Halter replied, "This my fucking prom and this is bullshit."

Her speech heavily slurred, Halter denied drinking alcohol and cursed out the school's principal and assistant principal. "You are fucking bitches, this is my prom, I'm not drunk," said Halter. After refusing to a Breathalyzer test, Halter attempted to hit cops with a chair, and then began "smacking her forehead into the chair handle causing her nose to bleed."

While being handcuffed, Halter "began kicking, screaming, spitting and thrashing about." As she was walked out of DeLuca's catering hall, Halter--screaming obscenities--"let her legs go limp," so officers had to carry the teen to a patrol car. That is when Halter "cleared her throat and spit a bloody ball of spit" at Officer Kyle Gelenius, whose name tag was ripped from his uniform by Halter during the confrontation.

Seated in the back of the police cruiser, Halter "continued to spit blood on the windows, the divider, and the roof," and attempted to kick out the vehicle's window. For her prom night meltdown, Halter was booked into the Lorain County jail (where she posed for the above mug shot) and was charged with assaulting a cop, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, and underage drinking.

Speaking strictly on condition of anonymity, because he is unauthorized to comment, Hiram Walker, an off-duty officer said that Halter had continued to fight her captors and spit blood all over the interior of her cell until after dawn, when she finally passed out.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Male Penis Size Irrelevant In Study

Does Size Really Matter? Ask Evolution…

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Human males have larger penises, in length, girth, absolute size and proportion to body size when compared with the penises of all other ape species. How did this happen? According to evolutionary psychologist, Carole Jahme, women are to blame, or to be congratulated. Because of women's preferences in selection of males, the human penis grew in size to become more flexible, losing the small bone of its evolutionary relatives. There weren’t many advantages to this change in physiology other than pleasing the female eye, among other things, but that’s all that matters from an evolutionary standpoint since without a shot at impregnating the woman of your choice, your line will go down the proverbial toilet.…

Human penises followed the same selective pressures, as we see with typically male contests in which penis size serves to establish the perception of fertility and sexual athleticism in a bid to attract women and intimidate other men. Likewise, since human sperm compete to fertilize eggs, a larger set of testicles and higher sperm production help fertilize more eggs and produce more offspring who inherit the sexual characteristics of their parents.

So what about the often heard male question regarding whether he’s adequately endowed to attract women’s attention? If sexual selection can explain why humans have the genitals they do today, could it provide at least a couple of clues there? Well, as a matter of fact, it can. While for many young men the idea of adequate size comes from watching adult entertainment, porn is really a bad source of information. It portrays a narrow slice of the population based on very subjective criteria. Instead, we can look at the distribution of penis sizes as measured by condom maker Ansell, which shows that nearly 25% of males have a penis which measures between 5.5 and 6 inches. After the 6 inch mark, there’s a rapid drop-off in sizes and males endowed with 7 or more inches make up only 5% of the population compared to the 70% of males with a length between 5.5 and 7 inches.

What does that tell us? If women preferred very large penises, we would expect to see either a more even distribution of male endowments between 5.5 and 9 inches (the largest size recorded by the survey, found in just under 0.1% of the group), or a skew towards the larger end of the scale. This indicates that the preferred size for human females is in the 5.5 to 7 inch range, primarily between 5.5. and 6.5 inches. Seven inches and over is more of an oddity, the likes of which we tend to see in porn.

On a side note, it might be interesting to look back after a number of generations to note if penis sizes increased in any meaningful way thanks to the influence of pop culture. The consensus would be that constraints on the male anatomy will stay in place for quite a while since there’s more to sex than just a certain penis size. A male at the top 1% of the size distribution chart might actually cause a lot more pain than pleasure. After all, in this case of sexual selection it’s about what women want, not necessarily what males think will intimidate the competition and make a statement to a potential mate, and the size distribution demonstrates that quite well.

They'll Eventually Come After You

Bear Plots revenge After Being Shot in the Butt with Beanbags

May 16, 2010

MAPLE VALLEY, Wash. - In another act of official oppression, officials shot a 12-year old after he was caught stealing honey from a neighbor. And it was a problem because this 12-year old - was a bear.

Wildlife experts believe the black bear came out of hibernation about two weeks ago. And, because it's getting older, it went looking for an easy source of food. State Fish & Wildlife crews caught the 400-pound beast on Saturday - after residents in Maple Valley complained it was getting a little too close for comfort.

"He's been coming in three nights now to tear my beehives up," says Jerry Bowan. Even though only a beehive was destroyed, wildlife officials didn't want to take any chances. So they used doughnuts (Krispy Kreme) to lure the creature into a large barrel-shaped container - and then used tranquilizers to sedate him.

After waking the bear, officials released him where he'd been caught, but shot it with bean bags as they chased into the woods. The chase was directed by a barking Karelian bear dog and and accompanied with loud firecrackers. "Get that bear, get that bear, ho, ho!" shouted the dog.

Wildlife experts say this gives the bear a natural fear of humans and their habitat. It doesn't do much for the dog's respecting its owners, either.

"It's probably going to look disturbing to other bears who view this, but by releasing this bear here, it's going to grow up, continue its life where it grew up, and spread the word to the other bears," says Bruce Richards with the Department of Fish & Wildlife.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Female Escort Beats Valet Bloody For Summoning Wrong Car

Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

The "looker"

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, described by the arresting officer as "a real looker" was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was described as a "pussy" by co-workers, was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe."

The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a super miniskirt with no panties, and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the accompanying mug shot, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" Another valet nearby responded, "A drunk hooker,maybe?

An enraged Ms. Thomas added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head."

Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators.

An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

The following morning, the man was spotted, sitting on a curb near the hotel and sobbing uncontrollably. When approached by Scottsdale's finest, the man admitted being beaten up by a woman.

The cops then offered him a ride, drove 10 miles outside the city limits and ordered him to get out. When the man protested, saying he didn't know where he was or how to return to the city, one of the officers handed him a pair of fishnet stockings and suggested he hitch a ride by showing a little leg. The officers then ran over the man's right foot with the police cruiser and left.

Mafia Techniques Being Tried Out in Major League Baseball

Bernie Carbo (right)

Ordered Keith Hernandez’s ‘Arms Broken’

Posted by Brooks on May. 13, 2010

In a recent ESPN Outside The Lines interview, 1975 Boston Red Sox World Series hero Bernie Carbo claimed that he tried to have Keith Hernandez’s “arms broken” a decade after his W.S. heroics.

On Sept. 6, 1985, Hernandez testified under oath in a Pittsburgh courtroom that Carbo had first introduced him to cocaine.

Carbo’s response to Hernandez’s testimony was:

"I knew some people, and I had $2,000, and I asked them to break his arms. He said, ‘We’ll do it in two or three years if you want it done, but we’re not going to do it today, Bernie. If we went and broke his legs today, or broke his arms, you don’t think they would understand that you are the one that had it done?"

There’s no follow-up on why those “people” never carried out Carbo’s order. Though from Carbo’s description of his atonishing level of drug use, it shouldn’t come as a surprise.

According to Carbo:

I was addicted to the point where I couldn’t play without the drugs. Nobody did as many drugs as I did. I was taking mescaline. I was taking cocaine. Crystal meth. Smoking dope and taking pills and drinking. I felt that even though I hit this home run and I reached a place in my life that I dreamed about, it didn’t bring me any happiness.

Last month Carbo told the BOSTON GLOBE that he was given “vitamins” by Cincinnati Reds trainers in the ’70s that turned out to be speed.

As we excoriate MLBers for taking PEDs, Carbo’s account makes you wonder potentially how many current baseball Hall of Famers were taking hard drugs as PEDs in the years before more sophisticated PEDs and the accompanying drug testing.

We know now that Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter while on LSD, so why not a bump of coke before an at-bat?

Nothing would surprise me. Doesn’t matter the era, players will always try to game the game however they can. From Carbo’s account, we now know hard drugs are included.

The Commissioner of Major League Baseball, when asked to comment, said MLB, like any other business had to change with the times and adopt new policies to give the fans some real excitement. People are simply tired of seeing guys hit baseballs that other guys throw at them. Baseball has become stale, antiquated. Bernie Carbo was trying to save the game. He's likely to receive a special award from MLB for his innovative approach to dispute resolution.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

WPA* Brit Style - (*Wanted: Porn Actresses)

State-Run Job Site Advertises for Sex Workers

May 13, 2010

Government-run Jobcentres are offering unemployed women jobs on X-rated websites. Jobseekers are told they can earn up to £700 a week if they strip naked on webcams and have sexually explicit conversations with customers. Employed women are also welcome.

Women looking for clerical work were given applications for sex line jobs when they went to sign on at Jobcentre Plus offices in Birmingham, Warwickshire and Shropshire. Facelick, the adult agency recruiting for the work, encourages applicants to perform "activities that you feel comfortable with" when naked in front of the camera. It features photos of its clients under various titles including "just legal 18," "fetish" and "role play."

One 19-year-old woman, who wanted to remain anonymous, told the Birmingham Mail she was shocked a taxpayer-funded government agency was recruiting for the sex industry.

A spokeswoman for Mediawatch-UK added: "Can you imagine being the parent of an 18-year-old who is sent down to the job centre and offered that sort of job? It's just one step away from prostitution, and it's hardly a meaningful job for life is it?"

Nearby, college males retorted, "Bloody right! At this point, we strongly request full-fledged prostitution. We want no half measures by this government as it struggles to right our economic vessel!!"

Of course, it's pretty well understood that tough times and sex jobs go hand-in-hand.....

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Still Needed: Training for Women Robbers in Ohio

Woman Tries to Rob Bank, Cop's Right Behind Her

May 7, 2010

Columbus, Ohio - Word to the wise: If you're trying to rob a bank, you should probably make sure there isn't a cop behind you.

According to Ohio police, 40-year-old Lois Harvey was all set to rob a bank - she had a note and sunglasses, but not much snap. Cops say that when she noticed a uniformed officer standing in line behind her, she proceeded to "abort the mission," run like hell, then eat the note.

Special Agent Harry Trombitas said Harvey, in sunglasses, handed the teller the note at a Columbus Chase bank branch Wednesday morning. He wasn't aware of what was going on, but when the woman noticed him, she grabbed the note and fled.

Trombitas said the suspect tried to swallow the note as she was nabbed, but then coughed it up onto the sidewalk. Eating the evidence only works in movies, or when you're stealing cupcakes.

The judge laughed heartily, then set her bond at $250,000. Harvey remains in jail. She is a graduate of the Ohio School for Really Dumb Women. You can read about some of her classmates here.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Get 'em Before They Drink the Evidence

Catching the really bad guys...

Belleview, Fla. - Local police have apprehended Steve Jordan, wanted for numerous DWI violations. The arresting officer, Mark Larson, noted that Jordan had been a thorn in the side of law enforcement for months, regularly eluding police cruisers. "This guy was clever and dangerous. Every time we thought we had him, he'd slip through our grasp. When I finally caught up to him, he finished off the evidence. He refused to provide the proper identification. He then began to wave his weapon around, threatening to shoot me. I warned him, then subdued him with my Taser."

The Larson brothers (Mark and Eric) have a proud history in Belleview, catching even the cleverest of all offenders. You can meet Mark's brother, Eric, here.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Does Your Dog Need To Stay in Touch With Jesus?

Mass. church to offer worship services for dogs

May 05 2010

Bo, an atheist Labrador from Texas.

DANVERS, Mass.— A Massachusetts church is scheduled to launch a new monthly worship service _ for dogs. Calvary Episcopal Church, later this month will offer its first "Perfect Paws Pet Ministry" aimed at giving area pooches and their owners improved odds at getting canines into heaven. The Danvers church plans to hold the service on the third Sunday of every month, complete with communion for the humans and special blessings for pets. Dogs will get special treats.

Church officials said well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can submit a paper prayer if their pets are sick, not good around other dogs or dead. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets, except rattle snakes.

Dogs will have a say during services because barking is encouraged. Bark a joyful noise unto the Lord.

In an ecumenical gesture, the church announced that all dogs, even atheist dogs, are welcomed to attend.


Information from: The Salem News

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Drunk Drinks In Preparation For Sobriety Test

Cops: Man awaiting sobriety test takes last swig

May 03 2010

BELLEVIEW, Fla.— Authorities said a central Florida man took one last swig of alcohol while waiting to take a sobriety test. Marion County Sheriff's deputies stopped 61-year-old Dana Seaman after noticing his car swerve three times. Seaman said he'd been drinking and agreed to a sobriety test. But first, Deputy Eric Larson said he watched Seaman drink from a cup, and toss it under the passenger seat. According to a police report, the cup, when retrieved as evidence, smelled strongly of alcohol.

Seaman refused a breath test. He has been charged with DUI.

A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday. The individual who answered the phone explained that Seaman had gone to a local bar and might not be back for a couple of days.


Information from: Ocala Star-Banner,

Pennsylvania Stripper Arraigned As Double Dipper

Stripper accused of committing worker's comp fraud

May 03 2010

Facsimile of real stripper

QUAKERTOWN, Pa.— A Pennsylvania woman is facing insurance fraud charges after authorities say she worked as a stripper while collecting worker's compensation payments. The state Attorney General's office said 43-year-old Christina Gamble, of Quakertown, who has a fab body collected thousands of dollars in insurance payments while working at C.R. Fanny's Gentlemen's Club and Sports Bar. The main sports played there include the house special, "Chugalug" and watching women lose weight live on stage.

According to a complaint, Gamble claimed she fell and hurt her back while working at a restaurant in 2007 and told a doctor it was difficult for her to stand or change positions. Authorities say she decided to take a Gamble, and received more than $22,000 in disability benefits.

When questioned, the woman indicated she discovered she could make more money as a stripper than working as a waitress. She said she just forgot to notify the Workers Compensation Office of her new employment and thought the money was to pay for the drugs she must take for pain: valium, xanax and a morphine drip at night.

Gamble was arraigned Thursday on two counts of insurance fraud and one count of theft by deception and released on her own recognizance. At the close of the hearing she informed the court clerk that she did not own a recognizance or know where to purchase one.

Her court appointed attorney said she would plead innocent by reason of gross stupidity and lurid cupidity, both affirmative defenses under Pennsylvania law.

A phone listing for Gamble could not immediately be located. According to her attorney it is tattooed on the inside of her left thigh, up high, and can he seen for a $2.50 cent charge by Gamble's directory assistance.

Striking Young Aspiring Hollywood Actress Goes Postal in Target Store

Woman stabs Four in Southern Calif. Target store

May 03 2010

The displayed police booking photo released by the Los Angeles County Sheriff Department, on Monday May 3, 2010, shows Layla Rosetta Trawick, from Antioch, Calif., after her arrest this afternoon for stabbing three women and one man at a Target store located in West Hollywood, Calif.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif.— The woman who stabbed four people with butcher knives in a busy Target store Monday afternoon was arrested when an off-duty sheriff's deputy pulled his gun and told the woman to get on the ground as screaming shoppers fled the building.

Layla Trawick used a butcher's knife and a carving knife to attack her victims, using both knives at the same time _ one in each hand _ and slashing in a downward arc like in the movies sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore said.

"She was literally walking up and down the aisles slashing people," he said.

A mother holding her baby was stabbed in the neck and taken to the hospital, where she was in stable condition, Whitmore said. The baby was not injured and all four victims are expected to recover.

A witness said she heard someone screaming, "There is no witness protection program!" amid growing chaos as shoppers lost it.

I don't know what she meant but she was yelling that over and over at the top of her lungs, according to a freelance photographer from West Hollywood, who also heard the deputy tell the woman to drop to the floor. That's when things got really chaotic and started falling over, according to the witness.

The photog said she dropped her basket and ran across the store to the women's section, to hide behind the clothing.

"From the moment the screaming started it was about five minutes. But it felt longer than that," she said.

A Los Angeles County Sheriff's Deputy Clay Grant Jr., said he was getting some things from the store when people around him started running and screaming.

Grant pulled his gun, identified himself as a cop and ordered the woman to drop the knives. She ran away as he chased her from aisle to aisle.

The deputy was wearing a white T-shirt, camouflage shorts and running shoes so several shoppers mistook him for a gunman, creating even greater panic, according to another sheriff's deputy.

Grant followed Trawick from aisle to aisle, like a killer stalking his prey, until she turned and waved the knives at him from above her head, he said.

But he decided not to shoot because he didn't feel his life was endangered and didn't want to go through an internal affairs investigation. So he again ordered her to drop the knives and finally she complied.

"I was more concerned about the knife, more than what she was saying," Grant said. "Her facial expression was someone who was lost, confused, didn't know exactly where they were."

With the assistance of private security guards who probably were on break during the incident, Trawick was arrested. She is being held on $1 million bail on suspicion of attempted murder. Investigators were trying to determine whether the 34-year-old Antioch woman got the knives in the store. No one could explain why this was important. Trawick allegedly told one of the private security guards she was practicing for an upcoming remake of Kill Bill, and would replace Uma Thurman as the star.

Grant talked to reporters at a sheriff's station later, where he was modest. He said he was just doing what he's trained to do. This is something that happens everyday in West Hollywood, according to Grant.

Whitmore said surveillance video cameras captured the stabbings, but the tape hasn't been released yet. Private security guards, who were probably on break at the time, wanted to view the tape first, to get their stories straight.

Grant's boss praised him and said he was just John Q. Public, doing his shopping and preventing mass murder at the same time.

His boss also said Grant was authorized to have a weapon in the store because that place is a zoo and anything can happen there.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Police Shoot the Bull...

... and not in a good way

May 2, 2010

ARLINGTON — Arlington police shot and killed a bull that got onto Interstate 30, ramming cars and charging officials (ed., the "attack" kind of charge, not like a "charge card" kind of charge). An animal services employee attempted to use a tranquilizer (ed., on the bull we assume, not on himself), but the bull was unwilling to participate. The bull charged the employee (ed., again, the attack kind of charge) so an officer shot the bull (ed., we're unsure which meaning was intended here. Witnesses report half-eaten donuts at the scene, and the cow clearly was dead. Therefore, either meaning may be appropriate).

A police spokeswoman said on Sunday they have not yet determined the bull's motive. However, the bull's brand indicated an origination from Avon, Montana, suggesting a tie to Cletus, a recently inhumanely slaughtered and undervalued steer from the same locale.

This point of origin would explain the bull's jumping from eastbound to westbound lanes of I-30, repeatedly, screaming, "You ain't taken me down like you took Cletus you bastards!!! Long live Cletus!!! Moooo!!!!"

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Don't Mess With Mom's Drugs

Mom turns in son for stealing drugs from her bra

Apr 30 2010

MEMPHIS, Tenn.— A Memphis woman called police after she found her son stealing her prescription sedatives from her bra. The Commercial Appeal reported that police found a 28-year-old man hiding under a neighbor's sport utility vehicle Wednesday morning. The mother, whose name police didn't release, told officers she awakened before dawn to find her son filching Xanax from her bra, where she kept it to prevent him from stealing it.

Police said the man had 22 Xanax pills, 15 of them wrapped in toilet paper and hidden in his sock. Officer said a search of the man's room turned up more pills and various drug paraphernalia.

Investigating officers performed a strip search of mom to determine if drugs were all her 28 year-old son had taken from his mother's bra. On further questioning, the mom did acknowledge that she was actually awakened by a sensation of someone massaging her breast, which she at first thought was her boyfriend before discovering it was her son. Under further questioning, the son acknowledged that he had a "hot" mama. Mother and son were later charged with consensual incest, a felony in the state, carrying a maximum penalty of $50 and 20 days in jail.

The son was in jail Thursday with bond set at $40,000. The mother was taken to an undisclosed location by detectives for a more thorough search, including body cavities. Police estimated the search could take up to 7 days, depending on the number of officers involved in the search.


Information from: The Commercial Appeal,

One and a Half Ton Steer Sold For $1,670

Cletus, the nearly 3,000-lb steer sold at auction, yikes!.. to be slaughtered....

Apr 30 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

(AP Photo/Montana Standard, Walter Hinick)

Brand inspector Joe Launderville, of Deer Lodge, serves to show the scale of how large ''Cletus''really is, April 28, 2010 in Ramsay, Mont. Launderville himself looks like he's been overeating during the winter. Maybe it's time he was sold for slaughter, too. He'd fetch $537 in today's market.

The nearly 3,000 pound Hereford who kept the herd in line on an Avon cattle ranch for years was sold for $1,670 at auction, only $1.79 a pound. If the average person reading this weighs 160 lbs. that means you are worth only $268, for slaughter. That ought to deflate some bloated egos; a steer worth 10 times more than you.

RAMSAY, Mont.— A nearly 3,000 pound Hereford steer that kept the herd in line on a southwestern Montana cattle ranch for nearly a decade has been sold for $1,670 at auction. Owner and breeder Bill McIntosh of Avon watched the bidding Tuesday at the Montana Livestock Auction in Ramsay, saying he hates to see him go, but he's got to be practical. Practically a murderer.

"The cattle market is about as high as we're apt to see it, I think, and finally I can get a little bit of the feed bill back," McIntosh said, noting that Cletus ate about 90 pounds of hay per day during the winter. McIntosh didn't bother to say how much he ate during the winter but I'll bet anyone $20 it cost more than Cletus' hay.

The 10-year-old steer, named Cletus, was sold to a Minnesota buyer and sent to slaughter, probably thinking he was only being transferred to another pasture with taller grass. Poor bastard.

Cletus was the largest steer McIntosh has ever seen and the heaviest to come through the auction yard in memory, said field representative Dick Perkins. When Cletus entered the auction ring, the crowd whistled and gasped but no one yelled out, "Save Cletus," "Save Cletus." It seems like everyone in Montana is bloodthirsty when it comes to livestock.

McIntosh said he was a bit disappointed that the steer fell 50 pounds short of the 3,000-pound mark. Cletus weighed 3,100 pounds last year.

"I guess he wintered a little rough," McIntosh said. Yeah, that knocked $179 off his price, you greedy scumbag, Bill.

Cletus has always been big, about 725 pounds as a calf, and just kept getting bigger, even though he wasn't fed anything out of the ordinary.

"Grass in the summer and hay in the winter," McIntosh said.

Cletus was used as the lead steer, which keeps the herd calm and headed in the right direction. How much was that worth to you, Bill?

"He had a nice life, just eating and sleeping," McIntosh said. Until he ate a little too much, and then, straight to the meat grinder to help pay for those new alligator boots Bill sports around, now, the pig.

In an 11th hour appeal, at the slaughter house door, which was denied, Cletus, speaking through an interpreter, requested that his cherished owner, Bill McIntosh, who had provided him such a rich, carefree life, be slaughtered and ground up with Cletus own meat so the two could be united always.

McIntosh nixed the deal.