Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sex For Legal Fees Brings Big Trouble For Florida Lawyer

Fla. lawyer disbarred for sex with client

Apr 30 2009 07:14PM CST

A lawyer who let a female client work off her fee through sex has been disbarred by the Florida Supreme Court. The justices Thursday cited the man's guilty plea to solicitation to prostitution as one of several instances of professional misconduct.

The justices wrote that the man admitted having sex with his 18-year-old client and another woman in exchange for credits toward her $2,300 fee for handling an assault case.

He agreed to take off $200 every time he had sex with her and $400 when she arranged sex with another woman.

The justices also found in other cases he altered evidence, caused a witness to give false testimony, charged excessive fees and stole clients' money.

In a joint interview following the decision, both lawyer and client defended their actions. The lawyer maintained it was not a sexual thing, just a means for collecting his fee. The female client said, "How else am I going to be able to pay those fees? Now I don't even have a lawyer who can represent me. I think it's unfair."

Rum and Coke, a Natural, But Coke and Oranges?

Elderly man arrested in Italy for coke in oranges

Apr 30 2009 03:43AM CST

An elderly man claimed he needed the oranges found in his suitcase to keep up his vitamin C level, but Italian police soon realized the "C" stood for cocaine.

Customs officers in Rome on Thursday arrested a 76-year-old Dutch man who tried to smuggle in more than 13 pounds (six kilograms) of cocaine packed into oranges that had been emptied of their pulp.

The man arrested on international drug trafficking charges at Rome's Leonardo da Vinci airport had arrived from Buenos Aires, Argentina and said he was on his way back to the Netherlands after a vacation.

Police at the airport said the drugs would have had a street value of euro5 million ($6.6 million).

In a separate bust, police arrested five Italians and a man from Paraguay when they seized more than 550 pounds (250 kilograms) of cocaine concealed in the trunks of tropical plants shipped from Argentina to a northern Italian port.

Sinning Sinner Snubbed by Steve

Neb. judge: Inmate can't rename himself 'Sinner'

Apr 30 2009 07:39AM CST

He may have broken the law, but a Nebraska inmate still can't change his name to "Sinner Lawrence Bilskirnir (bil-skeer-NEER')."

Court documents say 33-year-old Jonathan L. Thomas cited his Norse religion in seeking the name change to Sinner Lawrence Bilskirnir. He says he "is a heathen and Thor is his 'High God.'"

But Lancaster County District Judge Steve Burns denied the request. He said government agencies will need to closely track Thomas because of his criminal record and three child-support cases against him.

Thomas is serving time for attempted burglary, receiving stolen property and methamphetamine possession. He is due to be released in 2014.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Man Robbed By Woman Claims "She Seemed Like a Nice Girl To Me."

4/29/09 Detroit 09:25

Detroit Man Fooled By Hooker's Identity?

A 30 year-old man from Detroit told police he was rolled and robbed by a young woman he met on a street corner who requested his assistance with a personal problem.

On entering the man's hotel room, the woman began to weep unconsolably and was unable to speak, according to the victim. When he approached her, to try to comfort her, the woman kicked him violently in his testicles. As he lay on the floor, writhing in pan, the young woman took his wallet from his pant pocket, offered to urinate on his face if it would make him happier, and left, with the wallet.

She was arrested only several hours later when she attempted to use the man's credit card to buy wine at a convenience store. The clerk became suspicious because the woman couldn't produce any identification, and called police. She was arrested one block from the scene.

The victim, who described the woman as young, attractive and very innocent looking, was able to identify her from a police line-up.

The victim was then arrested on suspicion of solicitation of prostitution and ordered by a municipal judge to undergo a mental competency exam after listening to the man's story and examining a photo of the woman.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Keep Your Eyes Glued to the........Oh, Jesus, They Did What?

But Wilbur, no one needs to know. I said I was sorry.

Deputy quits after wife, mom-in-law take squad car for joyride

Apr 28 2009 01:31PM CST

A Polk County deputy has turned in his badge after his wife and mother-in-law took his patrol car out for a joyride. Officials said the 44-year-old deputy resigned Monday after serving 21 years with the sheriff's office. The deputy could not be reached for comment, after apparently taking a non-stop flight to Sao Paulo, where he has no known relatives or friends.

The arrest report said his wife and mother-in-law face charges of vehicle theft, theft of a firearm and impersonating a law-enforcement officer. His wife also faces charges of possession of a firearm of a convicted felon.

A third person riding in the back seat also was arrested, for indecent composure.

Witnesses reported seeing the patrol car driving erratically in Lakeland on Sunday morning. The deputy apparently didn't know the car had been taken.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Turn About Is Fair Play - Cop Tasered With Own Taser Gun After Botched Attempt

Police arrest woman they say used Taser on officer
Apr 27 2009 07:22PM CST

There has been a flood of taser stories in the news recently. Police appear to be using the electric shock weapon, which has resulted in the deaths of several people, at every opportunity. In one instance a police chief used his taser to subdue his own wife. It is only to be expected that citizens will fight back and defend themselves from the overuse of tasers. Up to now, a citizen's only means of defense was the "bird," which recently was held to be constitutionally permissible speech by the U.S. Supreme Court.

An unconfirmed report from an unidentified source with no connection to the court, claimed that during debate of the case by the justices, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, 75, demonstrated the proper use of the "bird," New York style, when addressing police officers and other law enforcement officials. She was said to have won grudging admiration from Justices Scalia and Thomas for her use of the classic American symbol of disrespect.

In a closely related case, police arrested a woman they said used a Utah Highway Patrol trooper's Taser on him. Lana Perkins, 83, (see photo above) was booked into the Salt Lake County jail for investigation of aggravated assault, interference with an arresting officer and unauthorized control of a motor vehicle. Authorities said a Utah Highway Patrol trooper pulled over a truck he thought was stolen on Saturday.

Utah Highway Patrol Sgt. Jeff Nigbur said the officer attempted to arrest a female passenger in the truck but she hit him with her shoe and bit him.

Nigbur said the trooper tried to use his Taser on the elderly woman but it didn't fire, so he threw it aside. But authorities say Perkins picked it up and fired a shock called a "dry stun" into the officer. He was stunned but not dry as the shock caused him to urinate in his pants, which were khaki colored and showed a large yellow stain.

A K-9 unit and back-up officer arrived, and Perkins eventually was Tasered, subdued, and taken to the county jail for booking. While awaiting booking, Ms. Perkins exercized her constitutional right of free speech by shooting the bird at the desk sergeant and other law enforcement personnel.

It was not clear whether Perkins had an attorney yet and the jail had no additional information. The driver of the truck, another female, apparently was overlooked during the melee with Ms. Perkins and walked away from the scene. Ms. Perkins, when asked for the identity of the driver, would only reply with the "bird," thus frustrating the investigation, constitutionally.

J. Conklin contributed to this story from Nepal and Sri Lanka.

Let's Keep All That Sex Talk Out of Religion and Back in the Gutter Where It Belongs

No Sex Talk Permitted, Anywhere, Anytime, By Anyone! By Order of Risk Manager - Also No Sex Allowed, Except By Immaculate Conception.

Church giving 'great sex' sermons might get booted

Sin City, Idaho Apr 26 2009 08:09PM CST

A church giving sermons about sex may have to find a new home. The risk management team of the Slow Snake Shopping and Worship Center, where the church leases space, has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of the sanctuary because of a worship series titled "Great Sex for You."

Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" 24,500 residents wrote back and said yes. The three-week program kicked off inside the auditorium with standing room only. Pastor Pete Peterson had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic. "We are going to talk to our congregants about good, hot sex, the way God intended."

Max Langlonger, the director of risk management for the center, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the church. "We're trying to keep our children ignorant about sex until they marry. Parents should keep their children away from such nasty talk," said Langlonger, a convicted pedophile. "I'm offering to counsel any parent's child about just saying no, free of charge," said Langlonger with a leer.

Langlonger says the church's lease contract is under review. "We've got our attorneys looking for loopholes."

"We'll get these sleazeball sexaholics out of here one way or another," said the center's owner, Bart Baltimore, on condition of celibacy. "This is a sex free community. No smoking, no drinking, no cussing, no dancing, no kissing, no nudity, no ogling, no roller skating, no feeling up, and no sex."

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Cop Kills Self Over Taser Death of Distraught Man

A New York Police Department lieutenant apparently committed suicide today, days after he ordered another officer to fire a stun gun at a naked, distraught man who then fell to his death, police said.

Lt. Michael Pigott was found in a police locker room at a former airfield in Brooklyn, dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, said Paul Browne, deputy commissioner for public information.

The lieutenant had ordered another officer, Nicholas Marchesona of Staten Island, to shock Inman Morales, who fell nearly 10 feet to death in Brooklyn.

"On behalf of all the members of the New York Police Department, I extend deepest condolence to the family and friends of Lt. Michael W. Pigott, who served with dedication after 21 years," NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly said in a statement.

Pigott had been stripped of his gun and badge and reassigned to desk duty after a Sept. 24 incident in which police responding to a report of an emotionally disturbed man fired a Taser stun gun at Iman Morales, causing him to fall 10 feet off a ledge.

After the incident, Kelly ordered refresher training for the NYPD's Emergency Service Unit on how to deal with the mentally ill and appointed a new commander of the unit.

The body of the lieutenant, whose 46th birthday was today, was found by police around 6 a.m. at the emergency unit's headquarters at Floyd Bennett Field, where training was held Monday. He used a weapon that was not his, police said.

Yesterday, as the Morales family was holding a wake for the victim, Pigott apologized for what happened, saying he was "truly sorry."

In the incident last week, witnesses and neighbors said Morales had become distraught and threatened to kill himself. His mother called 911. When police arrived, he fled naked out the window of his third-floor apartment to the fire escape. He tried unsuccessfully to get into an apartment on the floor above, and then climbed down until he reached a ledge over a shuttered storefront, where he started jabbing at officers with an 8-foot-long fluorescent light.

Pigott ordered Marchesona to fire the Taser. The 50,000-volt shock immobilized the 35-year-old Morales, who then toppled from his perch. He plunged headfirst to the ground and suffered fatal injuries. Officers had radioed for an inflatable bag as the incident unfolded, but it had not yet arrived at the scene when Morales fell.

Okay Honey, That's it. That's the Worse Damn Haircut and Color I've Ever Seen.

Police chief busted for allegedly tasering wife

Apr 9, 2009 OAKWOOD, Texas - The police chief of a tiny Texas town was fired and thrown in jail because, it is claimed, he shot his wife with his own taser. He apparently was upset when his wife came home from a hair dresser with her her hair died a ghastly red, said a neighbor, who asked to remain synonymous. Since she did not know the correct word, anonymous, the reporter had no duty to respect her privacy so her name is Betty Davis. Ms. Davis said she heard the suspect tell his wife she looked like a cheap hooker.

Oly Ivy (his real name) is now in Leon County Jail, and is charged with aggravated assault. Bond was set at $100,000. The ex-chief told his attorney he only had about $53 in his checking account and had just been fired, so he guessed he would be spending some time at county expense.

Ivy, 30, was arrested near Palestine on Monday. The city council fired him that night. One of the councilmen offered a motion to have Ivy tarred and feathered, but the motion failed 3 to 2.

Ivy's lawyer told a TV station in Waco that his client "is taking these allegations very seriously." He said he intends for Ivy to be treated the same as anybody else who tasers his wife. "There are two sides to every story," said a transient, being held in the County Jail for vagrancy. "It's not unusual for a man to taser his wife if she gets too far out of line. Around here they call 'em wife prodders," said the anonymous, semi-literate vagrant.

Ivy was hired in February to be the lone full-time officer in the town of 500 residents about 100 miles southeast of Dallas, giving the town a ratio of one police officer per 500 residents, well within the recommended ratio of 1 to 4 cops per 1,000 people. The police department secretary said the town actually only needed one-half of a police officer to meet the recommended number. The department has two reserve officers, used only for riot control, according to a local barber, Charley Barley, who refused to give his name without a court order. We got it off the front door of his barber shop.

When asked if there were frequent riots in Oakwood, to warrant two reserve officers for that purpose, Barley said the last riot was in 1874 but it was better to be safe than sorry. "It's almost free, anyway," he said, "These guys don't get a salary. The town only pays for any bullets used to conrol a riot. Hasn't cost the taxpayers one thin dime, since 1874," said Barley. "Lots of guys around these parts are just itching for a chance to carry a gun and shoot somebody without having to do any time. They'd pay cash money for the job."

Take That, Brat

Cop Tasers Teen-Ager Five Times for Not Getting Off His Bike Fast Enough

Posted by Digby, Hullabaloo at 1:02 PM on April 24, 2009.

Is the government allowed to shoot citizens with electricity solely because they fail to do what agents of the government tell them to do?

For those who don't want to read any further, the short answer is no. But in reality it gets a lot more complicated, as the following story will show. Regardless of the correct answer, I think it's safe to say that if you are in the presence of a cop who has a taser, you stand a good chance of being tasered, just for breathing.

Here's a story about a teen-age bicyclist who was tasered five times for failing to respond to a police officer's order to "get off the road." It is written by a lawyer who specializes in bicyclist rights and he asks the fundamental question: do you have a right to not comply with a police officer? It's at the heart of the taser question because nine times out of ten, people are not being tasered because they are threatening the cop or anyone else; they are tasered because they fail to comply with a police officer's order. So, the question is, do the police have a right to shoot someone with electricity simply because he or she is arguing with them or refuses to promptly obey their order?

If police used these things sparingly and had to answer to boards of inquiry whenever they are used, it would be one thing. But they are using them pretty much in any situation and often when they already have someone in custody. And while it's true that as a practical matter one is well advised to cooperate with police, I find it difficult to see how we are a free people, with rights guaranteed by the constitution, if the government is allowed to shoot citizens with electricity solely because they fail to do what agents of the government tell them to do.

(This story is from Bicycle Magazine)

Road Rights: The Right to Disobey Cops
Yes, even the police are wrong sometimes.
By Bob Mionske

A few months ago, I received a phone call from a cyclist with an incredible story about an incident in Lawrence County, Ohio. Because the cyclist-a guy named Tony Patrick-was in need of an attorney, I hooked him up with Steve Magas, a contributing author to Bicycling & the Law, and a well-known bicycling attorney in Ohio. After hearing Tony's story, Steve took his case. More about that later; first, let me tell you about Tony.

Weekdays, Tony runs his small construction company in Huntington, West Virginia. Weeknights, and weekends, Tony, a Cat 2 racer, can often be found hanging out at Jeff's Bike Shop-that is, when he's not out on a training ride, or racing. And that's not unusual; Jeff's Bike Shop is the center of a vibrant racing scene in Huntington, the second-largest city in West Virginia, and the home of Marshall University.

(Editor's note. This story just got to be too long, and frankly, a little boring. So I decided to cut it off at this point. Sorry. I left the final 3 paragraphs so those who wished could try to fill in for themselves what must have been in the middle. I have a good friend who does this with boring novels. He has read over 50,000 novels using this technique.)

Bob Mionske is a nationally known cycling lawyer with a practice exclusively focused on representing cyclists. An advocate for the rights of cyclists, Bob is the author of Bicycling & the Law, the first book written for cyclists on their legal rights and responsibilities since 1895. Bob is also a former U.S. Olympic and pro cyclist; Bob represented the United States in the 1988 and 1992 Olympic games, and was the National Road Race Champion in 1990, amassing a record of over 100 wins during his racing career.

If you have a cycling-related legal question or a comment about this blog, please submit it below. If you have a private legal question for Bob, please submit it to Bob and he will try to privately respond to as many of these questions as he can; some questions may be selected for answering in Road Rights. General bicycle-accident advice can be found at For more of Bob's perspective on bicycle law, be sure to visit his blog, and for Bob's take on bicycle culture, visit

Important notice:
The information provided in the Road Rights blog is not legal advice. The information provided on this public web site is provided solely for the general interest of the visitors to this web site. The information contained in the column applies to general principles of American jurisprudence and may not reflect current legal developments or statutory changes in the various jurisdictions and therefore should not be relied upon or interpreted as legal advice. Understand that reading the information contained in this column does not mean you have established an attorney-client relationship with attorney Bob Mionske. Readers of this column should not act upon any information contained in the web site without first seeking the advice of legal counsel.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Now, For One in the Dumb Drunks Category #24,485,654,023

Man pretending to fall off bridge actually falls, with bad result

Apr 23 2009 07:11PM CST

Police said a 43-year-old man was in stable condition after he pretended that he was falling off a bridge over the Minnesota River, then actually fell off the bridge. Police got a call just before 5 a.m. Sunday from a 21-year-old man who said his friend fell off the Highway 77 bridge and into a marshy area about 30 feet below.

The caller said he was driving north when his friend, who he said had been drinking, told him to pull into the bridge's emergency lane so he could urinate.

The 43-year-old stood eventually climbed to the ledge of the bridge, then looked at his friend and pretended to fall. "He then in fact fell," reads a press release from the Bloomington Police Department.

Police from Bloomington and Eagan responded, and the Eagan Fire Department used a chair lift to retrieve the man. He was transported to Hennepin County Medical Center where he was treated. Then, he died.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Gotta Take This Call - Might Be My Sister

Pregnant woman tries to rob bank, gets phone call, forgets what she came for and leaves.

Apr 22 2009 07:27PM CST

Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone. Fayetteville police spokeswoman Teresa Chance said Wednesday the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday.

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

Chance said investigators talked to a teller who heard the woman but aren't releasing details.

Police said the woman is in her late 20s to early 30s. She wore a dark, knee-length skirt and had a multicolored scarf or bandanna on her head. Police said she was described as not looking too bright. "She had sort of a goofy look," said a male customer who requested that his name, Jerry Arnold, not be used. Sure, Jerry.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Membership Drive Big Success! Thanks to All of You!

The Graywolf Lives To Howl Again!

Hi All,

I'm pleased to report that as a result of the membership drive initiated only last week, we have experienced a 10% increase in the number of members. We went from nine members to 10, just like that. At this rate we are well on our way to reaching our goal of 1,000 followers/members.

If each of our current members could recruit only one new member, we could double our membership. Well, maybe not exactly, because one of our current members is my dog, Bo. It would be impossible for him to recruit anyone else because he only knows other dogs.

So keep up the good work and ask your mother, your brother, your friends, your former Sunday School teacher and your co-workers to sign in and chill out at BizarreStuff. They'll thank you for the opportunity.

The Graywolf (An Endangered Species)

Holy Cow! Rescue Those Juicy Steaks!

Substitute Cow, Not the Original, Note the Bloat

Police seek way to dispose of dead cow in river

Apr 21 2009 07:00PM CST

Rumford officials are trying to figure out what do with the bloated carcass of a cow that floated down the Androscoggin River and over a waterfall before landing on some rocks, where it has remained for nearly three weeks.

Police Sgt. David Bean told the Sun Journal of Lewiston that the Hereford cow is in a seemingly unreachable position, lying in the middle of a pile of rocks about 100 feet below the river bank.

Bean said the cow's body is decaying and needs to be covered with something before the stench spreads to nearby streets. Police said it's unclear where the cow came from or how it ended up in the river.

Arm Wrestling Anyone?

Judge orders defendant's mouth taped shut
Apr 21 2009 07:00PM CST

An eastern Idaho judge who lost patience with the disruptive behavior of a defendant ordered court officials to tape the man's mouth shut with duct tape during a court hearing. The unusual move was ordered by 6th District Judge Peter D. McDermott during a probation violation hearing for Nicklas Frasure, 23.

Frasure was convicted of felony theft in 2008, but the judge retained jurisdiction for sentencing depending on Frasure's response to treatment. In October, Frasure was released from a state mental hospital in Blackfoot.

He is accused of violating his probation by not taking prescribed medication.

During the hearing, witnesses told the judge that Frasure's behavior had been strange and erratic since his release from the state hospital. They also said he has not been taking his medication and has been consuming alcohol, factors also contributing to mood and emotional swings.

Probation officer Julie Guiberson testified that Frasure is a threat to himself and others.

During Monday's hearing, Frasure interrupted the proceedings with repeated verbal outbursts and unusual behavior and ignored several orders from McDermott to restrain himself. After another series of outbursts, McDermott told bailiffs to silence Frasure.

The bailiffs then found a roll of duct tape, tore off a piece and put it over Frasure's mouth, according to the Idaho State Journal.

"He's obviously not mentally competent," Frasure's lawyer Kent Reynolds told the judge.

Earlier in the hearing, Reynolds had asked the judge to order a mental competency evaluation for Frasure.

McDermott said he would consider the request, but did not immediately rule on it. McDermott placed Frasure under the jurisdiction of the Idaho Department of Correction. He is being held in the Bannock County Jail awaiting transfer to a state facility. Officials, citing privacy rules, declined to say where he would be transferred.

An Associated Press call for comment, left with the Idaho Judicial Council, was not immediately returned Tuesday. The council investigates all complaints filed against Idaho judges.

The American Civil Liberties of Idaho refrained, for now, from commenting on McDermott's decision to silence Frasure.

"The ACLU of Idaho cannot comment on the specifics of this case," said Monica Hopkins, executive director. "However, on one hand judges have a right to keep order in their court and on the other the defendants have a right to assist in their own defense and be present at trial. Our hope is that judges employ the least restrictive manner of keeping order in their courts."

At the end of the hearing, the judge ordered bailiffs to remove the gag and said he hoped Frasure's condition would improve with being under state custody.

Frasure responded, "You want to arm wrestle?" as he was led out of the courtroom by bailiffs.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Finally, Someone With a Wholesome, Natural Use for Lottery Winnings

Lotto winner wants to open a nude dude ranch

Apr 20 2009

Over the years you hear of lottery winners whose lives have been ruined by their inability to cope with new found riches. Some sqaunder it all; some hoard it and go on living the same as they always have. Some permit their children and grandchildren and deadbeat friends to squander it. A few donate generously to worthy causes such as children's hospitals and cancer research.

But very few have found a more socially redeeming, a more righteous, a healthier, freer and satisfying cause for their millions than Tod Witherspoon. Tod won a $4.6 million jackpot in 2004. Tod is not a city boy and longed to return to the farm life in which he grew up.

So Withspoon and Bobby Beaumont acquired a wooded, secluded farm/ranch where the two men and their friends can go for relaxation, riding horses and other soul mending activities. One of those activities is riding horses in the buff. That's right. Tod and Bobby and their friends, about half of whom are female, like to drop all their restrictive clothing and get in the saddle, in the raw.

But Tod and Bobby want even more people to enjoy their bounty and lifestyle, so they decided to open a nude dude ranch. Urban women and men, married couples, unmarried couples, gay couples, and even singles could come for a weekend, a week, a month and get in touch with nature, with others having similar desires and wants, and all on a low clothing allowance budget. Birthday suits are about as formal as you could get, although their planned ranch would be billed as clothing optional.

The percentage of guests who visit a clothing optional establishment to show off their new frocks from Bergdorfs or the new Armani suit is minimal. They are there to examine the latest offerings in men's and women's nude body adormments, such as nipple rings, nose diamonds, and pubic hair styles.

But Tod and Bobby soon leared they have two big problems _ local zoning laws and a nudity ban in Flaquesito County. The locals, mainly southern Baptists and Pentacostals are not noted for their tolerance of the nude body so the public hearings on their application could get a bit rowdy.

Tod says they'll try to get the necessary paperwork, but if they can't get approval he'll close the BT Ranch again to all but friends. Tod and Bobby have lots of those.

Though their Web site says clothing is optional, there is a caveat: Everyone "must wear pants and boots." "We have to think about the horses, too.' said a resplendently naked Bobby. "A few of them are a little shy."

Monday, April 20, 2009

Bungled Attempt to Avoid Payment of Parking Fee Sends Man to Hospital

SUV plunges from NYC garage, lands on nearby roof

Published - Apr 20 2009 06:01PM CST

Parking garage attendants said a non-English speaking man tried to explain to the exit cashier that he did not have sufficent money to pay his parking fee of $18.50. He attempted to pay with what was believed to be Kenyan currency, but might have been Nigerian or Chilean bank notes, or possibly monopoly money. When the attendant refused to accept the foreign currency and refused to raise the gate, the man became agitated and backed up the exit ramp in reverse, almost colliding with a descending hearse.

He then began to drive aimlessly and erratically through the 18 floor garage, whistling the theme song from South Pacific and almost causing at least 3 other accidents during his 4 hour drive tour of the garage.

When attendants tried to get the man to stop and work something out, he accelerated at high speed and crashed the recent model white Mercedes Benz SUV, with saddle colored leather interior, burled walnut trim, matching capeting, telescoping steering column, and equipped with raised letter Michelin tyres, a Bose sound system and a built-in GPS positioning system, though a 6th floor glass window in the E. 17th street parking garage and plunged three stories onto a neighboring roof with the driver inside.

Several employees from inside the building came out on the roof and asked the bloodied driver for autographs. When the man requested payment of $50 for each autograph, he was pelted with small stones gathered from the roof, accompanied with shouts of "America, Love It or Leave It."

Police later said the driver had been hospitalized with non-life-threatening injuries after the accident around 4 p.m. Monday. It was not immediately known what caused the accident.

Officers were trying to remove the SUV from the roof but were having difficulty trying to squeeze it down the narrow stairway. One officer was crushed when the vehicle shifted and pinned him to a wall.

Doug MacArthur reporting from Hiroshima.

Tea Parties, A Dangerous Right Wing Trend?

This dude really does get around. He's been shown here on at least one other occasion, maybe two.

April 20, 2009 MN

In a secret memo, carefully guarded by members of the ultra secret organization, the Steel Girder Repubnicans, the true purpose of the recent "tea parties," held nationwide and reportedly attracting 2-3 hundred participants, was to sample various teas from around the world. After an afternoon of tea sampling, discussions of hydroponic gardening, and scattered wringing of hands, the participants dispersed without incident and went home to urinate from drining so much tea.

One of the participants, pictured above, was unable to make it home.

So it goes.

Blog Membership Drive - Please Help !

The One And Only Bo: World Class Yellow Labrador Retriever

April 20, 2009

Bizarre Stuff has suffered some temporary slippage in its recruitment of blog followers. We had hoped to have 1,000 followers by now; instead we have only nine, and one of them is my dog, Bo. My stepdaughter offered to let me use her bulldog so membership could at least get into the double digits, like 10. But I believe too many dogs might cause other followers to not take the blog seriously. I think a 10 to 1 ratio is about the proper balance between people followers and dog followers.

The good thing about Bizarre Stuff is we will never ask our readers to contribute money, or drugs, or weapons, like some other, lower quality blogs. Bizarre Stuff is free for life, mine. Please tell your friends, family and even strangers about Bizarre Stuff and encourage them to become followers.

To give you an illustration of the high quality of people and dogs who already are followers, I am attaching here the photo of our only (for now) canine follower, Bo. Some of you may have noticed that the first family named their new Portuguese Water Spaniel, Bo, too. I don't know if they got the idea for the dog's name from Bizarre Stuffs's Bo but we are taking it as a compliment because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

The Bizarre Stuff Management Team

Saturday, April 18, 2009

One Salami Sandwich, Hold the Snot

Domino's Prankster Also A Sex Offender

Woman in shocking video also pleaded guilty to illicit sex act with girl, 14

APRIL 16--The woman who filmed herself and a co-worker as they joked about contaminating food at a Domino's Pizza in North Carolina is a registered sex offender who last year pleaded guilty to engaging in an illicit act with a 14-year-old girl. Kristy Hammonds, 31, and Michael Setzer, 32, were arrested yesterday and charged with delivering prohibited foods after a video surfaced showing Setzer preparing sandwiches while putting cheese up his nose, passing gas on salami slices, and appearing to blow his nose on the food.

While this was occurring, Hammonds filmed Setzer and provided commentary such as, "In about five minutes it'll be sent out on delivery where somebody will be eating these, yes, eating them, and little did they know that cheese was in his nose and that there was some lethal gas that ended up on their salami." She added, "Now that's how we roll at Domino's."

Court records show that Hammonds, pictured in the mug shot top right, was charged in 2006 with three counts of statutory rape and pleaded guilty last June to a reduced count of misdemeanor sexual battery. According to a Superior Court indictment, Hammonds (who was charged under her married name), sexually abused the teenage girl over a four-month period. Investigators with the Alexander County Sheriff's Office, which arrested Hammonds in the sex case, declined to provide further details about their probe, citing the need to protect the minor victim.

As part of her plea deal, Hammonds was required to register as a sex offender and ordered "not to be alone with anyone 16 or under, with the exception of her own children." She was also placed on probation for two years, hit with a 60-day suspended jail sentence, and fined $1941. Hammonds has since paid her fine down to $1921. The fine should be fully paid in January, 2118.

Allen Blister contributed to this story from Rykers Island, N.Y.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Astonishing Discovery by Curator of a Photo of Leona Helmsley As a Teenager

Leona age 86 left/ Leona age 19 right

Curator Uncovers Old Helmsley Photo

Greenwich,CN April 16, 09

A curator, appointed by a Connecticut probate court, was gathering and assembling some of the billionaire hotelier Leona Helmsley's papers, in preparation for storage, when she discovered a discolored envelope containing what appeared to be old family photos.

On closer inspection one of the photographs turned out to be of Ms. Helmsley when she was attending the Choates College for Young Women, an exclusive private college in New Haven near Yale University.

The photo revealed the extraordinary success of Ms. Helmsley's carefully guarded secret method for looking young. "She was always greatly concerned with her appearance," said a business associate of her late husband's, Edgar Corbin, who asked not to be identified. Ms. Helmsley, in recent photos taken one year before her death, bears an uncanny resemblance to Ms. Helmsley when she was only 19.

When shown the photograph, one of Manhattan's premier make-up artists, who requested anonymity, said, "That's truly remarkable. I've never seen a woman before who was able to maintain almost her same appearance as a very young woman into her mid 80s. I wish I knew her secret; I could be a very rich man. She always looked so gorgeous."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

New Use for Packing Tape Discovered By Colorado Woman

Cops: Woman Taped Puppy To Refrigerator

Colorado student, 20, told police, "I know this looks really bad" Cop replied, "So do you."

APRIL 14--Meet Abby Toll. The University of Colorado student, 20, is facing a felony animal abuse rap after she allegedly taped her boyfriend's puppy upside down to the side of a refrigerator in a bid to teach the rambunctious animal a "lesson." According to police, Toll used clear packing tape early this morning to adhere the eight-month-old dog (a Shiba Inu named Rex) to the appliance in the kitchen of her boyfriend's apartment. Toll allegedly was angry at Bryan Beck, 21, for failing to get rid of the puppy, which, Toll told cops, bit her a few days ago and was ugly. The same officer quoted above responded to Toll, "So are you."

On entering Beck's apartment, where police had been summoned by neighbors about a fight between the couple, they discovered that "Rex's body was completely encased in packing tape." When Officer Kara Jurczenia asked what was on the side of the fridge, Toll replied, "The dog." Toll added, "I know this looks really bad, but the dog bites." Jurczenia asked how long the puppy had been taped upside down to the side of the refrigerator. "Not long," Toll replied. "Like 20-30 minutes. It was just until he calmed down."

When Beck saw his dog stuck to the refrigerator, he told Toll, "Take him down," adding, "You are so sick!" Toll replied, "No, you are sick for not caring enough about me to get rid of the dog." Beck said, "F--k you!" Toll responded, "No, f--k you." One of the officers responded, "You're both under arrest."

The puppy was handed over to the Boulder Valley Humane Society. Toll, seen in the above mug shot, was turned over to county jailers. Beck, who was arrested in connection with his scuffle with Toll, was not charged with animal abuse. Though he did reportedly tell police, "We were going to get rid of him anyway. We usually don't do this."

News Flash: Unsinkable Titanic Sinks

The Titanic Before Sinking>>>>>>>>>>

Captain Smith Before Sinking>>>>>>>>>

Newfoundland, Apr.15,2009

In shocking news it was learned early today that the "unsinkable" British cruise ship, the Titanic, had sunk like a rock, on her maiden voyage, within 3 hours of striking an ice berg in the North Atlantic. The ship, which was built with individual watertight compartments and massive steel plates, to prevent the rapid filling of the hold with seawater in the event of a breach of the ship's hull, failed miserably, a victim of rotton design and poor quality construction.

It was speculated that the sinking of the ship was caused indirectly by the financial turmoil currently rocking the Western world. Financing for the ship vanished when derivatives took a sharp dive and the Titanic's ship builder, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, Ltd.,sustained heavy losses, causing it to skimp on the Titanic's construction.

"Sure, there were several essentials that had to be cut, such as extra ballast, and the expensive motors used to close the steel doors between compartments in case of a breach of the hull," said a major contractor involved in the ship's construction, who asked not be identified. His name is Horace Hampton. "But how could anyone foresee that the stupid captain was going to run into a freakin' ice berg," said Hampton, speaking on condition of anonymity. "It's just lke New Orleans. As the President said, who could foresee that those levees were going to crumble. It was an Act of God.

A highly placed official of Lloyds of London, which insured the vessel, when informed of the disaster said, "Holy Shit," on condition of not being identified to his parish priest. The failure of the insurance giant (there were a lot of rich people on board for the free booze) could wreak additional havoc in the financial world.

But back to the ship itself and the drowned passengers and crew. An estimated 1500 people suffered the horrible agony of drowning, choking, gagging, vomiting, loss of bowel control, one of the worst ways to die short of crucifixion, according to a local pharmacist. A more fortunate 866 passengers, were rescued from life boats by the Carpathian, the first ship to arrive at the scene of the catastrophe. "We could have taken on a few hundred more, but it would have put a strain on food supplies, meaning diminished rations for the crew and a lot of grumbling, which gives everyone a headache," said the lst Mate of the Carpathian, who used a false identity.

There were scores of celebrities from the entertainment world on board because, until only a few hours ago, the Titanic was "the place to be," if you sought publicity. The claims representative for Lloyds, Ms. Prime Cherry, said their losses would be enormous because of all the rich people and celebrities on board, who purchase tens of millions of pounds of unnecessary personal life insurance so they can brag to their friends about how much they would be worth, dead. I find that rather ghoulish quite frankly, and assure you Lloyds will search for every conceivable loophole to avoid the payment of their legitimate claims. "We probably can survive if we can avoid payment of a only one-third of those life insurance claims," said Cherry. "I liked that idea about it being an Act of God. We might have a clause in their policies which voids our liability when death is caused by an Act of God. It's not our fault what she does."

E.J. Smith, the Captain of the Titanic, went down with the ship and hence was not available for an interview for this story, "in flagrant breach of a clause in his contract of emploment which requires him to do interviews and speak about major events in connection with his ship. This certainly qualifies as a major event and he's off hanging out in Davey Jones' locker. That's one more expense we can avoid, paying his salary to his widow," acording to a bean counter employed by Capt. Smith's employer.

Blog Namesake Featured in Blog

The Man Behind All the Shit,The Owner of the Deep Shit Cattle Company, Mack Stark, Lavon Stark, and Ole Brownie, the manure pile.

April 15, 2009

Mack Stark figures cattle raisers can appreciate the name of his west central Texas ranch and makes no apologies for the words in big black letters on the steel arch over the dirt and gravel driveway. The name's not exactly fit to print, but let's just say "Deep Droppings Cattle Co." or "Deep Excrement Cattle Co." wouldn't have the same effect.

"Now the Deep Shit Cattle Company has a ring to it," the 75-year-old rancher said.

A ring of truth, Lavon Stark, his wife of almost 45 years, chimes in.

"If you've ever been in the cattle business, you know," she added.

After all, it's why cowboy boots go up almost to your knees. That comes in handy in this part of the state where manure runs deep and cars are outnumbered by cattle haulers rumbling along Texas Highway 36 in and out of Comanche, about 10 miles to the west of the Starks' 140-acre ranch.

And thus the name Mack Stark gave to his operation "six or eight years ago" after a tough day of herding and moving cattle and, naturally, stepping in it.

As he tells the story, after a third trip one day with a hauler to the cattle auction, somebody asked where this latest load was coming from. A tired and dirty Mack Stark blurted out a name that some now might consider a not-so-polite term for the economic situation of the nation.

"He has a dry sense of humor sometimes," Lavon Stark, 72, says.

The name _ like its namesake _ stuck.

The Starks' sons didn't forget the comment and made him a sign as a gift.

"He just died laughing," his wife recalled. "Now it sometimes gets real lonely around here without him. He was forever tracking shit into the kitchen and it stunk so bad I'd have to clean it up before we could eat supper."

Woman's Bra Connected to Death of Police Officer

Cash stash in bra stops bullet from piercing heart

Apr 14 2009 06:54PM CST

Police say a wad of cash stuffed in a woman's bra saved her life during a shootout in northeastern Brazil. Salvador city police spokesman Vicente de Paula said 58-year-old Ivonete Pereira de Oliveira was a passenger on a bus that was held up by two gunmen on Saturday.

He said an armed off-duty policeman on the bus opened fire. In the ensuing gun battle a bullet struck the left side of Oliveira's chest.

De Paula said Tuesday that the 150 reals (about $70) worth of bills that Oliveira hid inside her bra slowed the bullet enough to prevent it from entering her heart and killing her instantly.

Oliveira underwent surgery to remove the bullet from her left breast and was released from the hospital on Monday.

The off-duty police officer was killed. According to a police spokesman the officer might be alive if Oliveira had not been wearing a bra. When pressed by reporters, however, he couldn't explain why.

The injured woman was charged with defacing the national currency, a federal crime under Brazilian law.

"If the money had been carried properly, in a purse or wallet, it would have escaped defacement," according to a government spokesman who admitted he didn't know what he was talking about.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Not for the Squeamish.

April 12, 2009 Miami, Fla

Hooker and Shill After Hotel Room Dust-Up.

In a follow up to a recent, 3/31 Mar., bizarre story published here, involving a TV shill and a Miami hooker, we are pleased to offer more recent police photos of the argumentative duo in their hospital beds. The hooker allegedly severely masticated the shill's tongue and refused to let go. The shill proceeded to emulsify the hooker's face in an effort to break her toothsome grip on his tongue. Blood flowed freely from both parties. Each was charged with assault and battery.

The altercation occurred after the hooker agreed to have straight sex with the shill for $1,000. The loving pair adjourned to the shill's $750 per night room.

Hotel staff estimated cleaning costs for the bloodied room at $1250. That's $3,000 for a bloody tongue.

God Works Her Wonders in Mysterious Ways

Cable glitch switches religious program to racy ads depicting voluptuous women in sexy underwear.

Apr 11 2009 11:09AM CST

A Philadelphia cable network's early morning broadcast of a Good Friday service at the Vatican abruptly changed to something wildly different _ a 30-second "Girls Gone Wild" ad. Several thousand men called in to express their approval of the new programming.

Comcast spokesman Jeff Alexander says the 2 a.m. Friday programming glitch was due to a required test of the Emergency Alert System. He says such tests are usually done in the overnight hours.

The test automatically tunes viewers to a preselected channel that would provide information in the event of an emergency. But during tests, the channel airs regular programming, which in this case included a paid advertisement for the racy videos.

Alexander says the problem affected the network's entire local area, but only one person called to complain. "It was one crotchety old woman compared with 1,000's of young, red-blooded American men and women. The station management plans to meet tomorrow, and as many days as it takes to consider changing to the alternate programming." Alexander told a reporter. "I think people have just gotten sick of God. It's all bullshit promises and a complete failure to deliver," he said, on condition of not being quoted. Sorry, Jeff.

"If we can get some hot women, wearing very little clothing on the air at 2:00 AM I am confident there will be a dramatic increase in the number of viewers. Old black and whites of Jesus just won't cut it with the modern crowd. You've got to show some skin. That's what's wrong with the Vatican. A bunch of old men running around in black dresses. Who needs it?"

Judas Iscariot reporting from the Vatican.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dumb Crooks, Move Over, You've Got Competition

NH burglar apologizes, turns over stolen goods

Apr 11 2009 07:18AM CST

Police in southern New Hampshire are searching for a one-eyed burglar who says he's sorry.

Pelham police say a resident who pulled into his driveway Friday afternoon caught a burglar coming out of the house with jewelry boxes and electronic items.

The homeowner told police that when he approached the burglar, the man apologized, then put the stolen goods back.

Police say the homeowner tried to detain the burglar by engaging him in conversation about his missing eye, but the suspect fled by the time officers arrived.

Patriotic Lunacy - One Man's Descent into Dementia

Man wears patriotism on his sleeve and face and probably his ass.

His Everett home is also painted red, white and blue

Holy Toledo!


EVERETT -- Sam Bloomfield presses his hands together and casts his eyes skyward in thanks for his country.

Under his left eye: "God Bless America."

Under his right: "Land of the Free."

Even larger across his forehead is "USA."

Sam Bloomfield has a tattoo of the American flag on his face. Some of his neighbors have suggested that he should be run up a flagpole.

Sam wants people to read the words inked into his skin and think about them. They are words known by every second grade child in America. So who is he talking to?

He grew up poor. He stowed away on a boat from American Samoa to California, and landed as an illegal alien. Later he was able to get a green card, in 1976.

Sam believed America was a country with gold lying around in the streets.

He was drawn by stories of opportunity and images of money as abundant as suburban grass clippings. But he soon was working his Samoan ass off, cutting and packaging crab and salmon in a seafood warehouse.

Sam went so far as to paint his house red and white. Then he added a blue shingle roof. He had to take out a second mortgage to pay for all that crap. His banker was a bonehead and now Sam is facing foreclosure because the warehouse shut down and the owner committed suicide.

It took Same $1500 and 3 months to have his face ruined forever. It hurt like hell but Sam thanked God anyway.

Head to toe, Bloomfield has more than 100 tattoos, including the flags of 20 countries. Most were done by hand by his wife, Dora, who believes Sam is crazy.

He is so crazy that if the president asked him to fight in Iraq, he would. Some in the world don't like Americans, but that's the way life is, he says.

"Who cares? America is the best country in the world! America is like a police officer, stepping in to make others shake hands.

"We don't sit down and watch people die. We help speed up the process by supplying their dictators with enough ordnance to sink South America."

Friday, April 10, 2009

California Man's Testicles Torched

Burned Man Examines Own Crotch in Horror>>>>>

"Oh My God! They're Up In Smoke!"

July 21. 2008 8:30PM

Men sentenced for setting friend's crotch ablaze

The Associated Press
SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif.— Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge.

Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail.

Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man's groin and set him on fire on Jan. 18. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Man Farts On Friend's Dinner - Friend Throws Knife At Him, Then Stabs Him

Man causing stink in motel room stabbed
Apr 08 2009 07:19PM CST

Police Spokeswoman >>>>>>>>>>

A man was stabbed after causing a stink _ literally _ in a motel room while eating with a friend, police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night, and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest, Anderson said.

The 25-year-old man was transported to a Waco hospital, where he was treated for what appeared to be non-life threatening injuries, Anderson said.

Jose Ramirez, 33, of Houston, was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, police said. He was arraigned Wednesday and was being held in the McLennan County Jail on $15,000 bond and placed on an immigration hold, according to jail records. He cannot be released, even if he posts bond, until authorities verify he is in the country legally. Ramirez asked for a private cell because he had been eating the same food as his friend.

A young, attractive jail spokeswoman, who spoke only on condition of illiteracy, said she was not allowed to release information on whether Ramirez had an attorney, or on any other subject, including when her 4 to midnight shift ends.

Colorado DMV Gives TOFU an X-rating.

Nice Mom Who Loves Tofu Classified as Obscene by Colorado Officials.

Woman's tofu license plate curdles Colorado

Apr 08 2009 07:22PM CST

One Colorado woman's love for tofu has been judged X-rated by state officials. Kelly Coffman-Lee wanted to tell the world about her fondness for bean curd by picking certain letters for her SUV's license plate. Her suggestion for the plate: "ILVTOFU." But the Division of Motor Vehicles blocked her plan because they thought the combination of letters could be interpreted as profane.

Says Department of Revenue spokesman Mark Couch: "We don't allow 'FU' because some people could read that as street language for sex."

Officials meet periodically to ensure state plates stay free of letters that abbreviate gang slang, drug terms or obscene phrases.

The 38-year-old Coffman-Lee says tofu is a staple of her family's diet because they are vegan and that the DMV misinterpreted her message.

When asked, other disinterested persons had even more forceful derogatory comments to make about the Coloradod DMV, using some of the prohibited letters in the woman's license plate proposal to make their point.

Dad Sells Daughter, Seeks Police Assistance When Not Paid

"Father pleads no contest in sale of daughter"

Apr 07 2009 07:52AM CST

A 36-year-old idiot in California (see photo above) sold his 14-year-old daughter (see photo above) into marriage for $16,000, some beer and meat. When the buyer didn't pay as promised, the idiot dad then went to the police to get his daughter back. He got more than his daughter. He got charged with felony child endangerment.

Marcelino de Jesus Martinez had pleaded not guilty in February to procuring a child for lewd acts, aiding and abetting statutory rape and child endangerment. If convicted of those charges he faced 10 years in prison. His court appointed attorney said he was an idiot.

Instead, the moron entered into a plea bargain on the endangerment charge, which means he'll be sentenced on May 7 to up to a year in jail followed by deportation. The judge who will sentence him said he is an idiot.

Prosecutors say the idiot dad and several other mentally deficient family members negotiated a marriage and dowry contract for the girl because they wanted to go to Las Vegas to gamble. The buyer, Ed Galindo and the girl allegedly lived together for a week. After a week Galindo said the girl wasn't worth $16,000 but only about $3,000and no beer.

Martinez was incensed and accused Galindo of not showing respect for the girl. "I sold her for a fair price and this goon now doesn't want to pay after sampling the merchandise. A used daughter is almost impossible to resell. There is no market." claimed the idiot.

When the girl's family didn't get their Vegas money, Martinez (aka the idiot) got the idea of enlisting the police to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made. His idea was idiotic.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Want to Smoke a Rembrandt? What about a vintage Cezanne or perhaps a Renoir?

Apr 5 09 Customs says art was framed with marijuana

It wasn't the beauty of the paintings that caught of the eye of Customs agents, who usually are more focused on Penthouse or Hustler.

It was their drug-sniffing dog turning up his nose at the art that stopped the show.

Federal officials in Arizona say a man was taken into custody after Customs and Border Protection officers found 90 pounds of marijuana hidden in the frames of six large paintings in his vehicle.

Officers selected the man's vehicle for a routine inspection Friday at the border crossing in Douglas, Ariz., and their dog showed an interest in the paintings. "These are sophisticated dogs, some trained in Europe, and they know good art when they see it," said a customs agent. "But they also are trained to sniff out nacotics."

An X-ray revealed the paintings contained marijuana in the frames.

The agency says the paintings were professionally done and the frames were nicely constructed. The paintings were transporting some high quality pot, destined for upscale users.

The man was turned over to Immigration and Customs Enforcement. He had not been charged.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

It Isn't Rocket Science Dudes. Labrador on left, Pit Bull on right. Notice the difference.

Nebraska man sentenced for firing crossbow at neighbor
Apr 02 2009 08:39PM CST

A 49-year-old man was sentenced to two-to four years in prison for firing a crossbow at his neighbor after a dispute about the breed of a neighbor's dog last June. The neighbor said it was a pit bull; Carlos Lupercio said it was a labrador. Lupercio went home, returned with a crossbow pistol and fired at his neighbor, just missing.

Police said alcohol was involved in the incident. Lupercio gave indications of cognitive dissonance. The neighbor said Lupercio was a lunatic.

Lupercio pleaded no contest to terroristic threats and animal neglect. The judge credited him for 282 days of jail time.

Peruvian Man in Sexual Marathon For Seven Days: Erection Shown Below

Peru farmer hospitalized with eight-day erection

Fri Apr 3, 1:01 am ET
LIMA, (AFP) – A Peruvian farmer underwent an operation after complaining of severe pain from an eight-day erection, a doctor at a hospital in the northern city of Sullana said.

"The patient arrived at the hospital in great pain because of the erection," surgeon Nelson Carrasco told AFP, adding that the 53-year-old had not taken a sexual stimulant or alcohol.

He said the patient, whose identity was withheld, suffered from priapism, a persistent erection of the penis often due to a blood clot in the erectile tissue.

Carrasco said the man underwent surgery at the Sullana hopsital, about 1000 kilometers (600 miles) north of Lima.

But he added, "We are looking for the cause of the priapism because if we don't find a solution it could reappear again."

Several men at the press conference held by the attending surgeon and his patient asked if it were possible to induce temporary priapisms. The surgeon laughingly offered to give the men free dickectomies instead.

Several of the patient's female friends crowded around the surgeon, to ask if the man's problem would re-appear soon and if it was a permanent condition.

When the patient was asked why he had waited 8 days before seeking medical attention, he replied, "Are you loco my friend? My wife would have killed me. My girlfriend would have done worse. And my neighbor's wife? She comes over every morning after her husband leaves for work. These women are insatiable. I need to move to Arequipa or some other place in the south."

Women (and Wonderbra) Support National Cleavage Day in South Africa


Drooling at cleavage displayed for good cause
April 07 2006 at 03:38PM

By Rivonia Naidu

Men across the province were distracted on Friday as thousands of KwaZulu-Natal women displayed their cleavages in support of National Cleavage Day (NCD).

Wonderbra brand manager Samantha Paterson said NCD was designed to celebrate women's independence and power in all facets of life, from their careers to their relationships to their own destiny.

"It gives women a chance to be beautiful and glow in the furtive, yet appreciative, glances their cleavage evokes from men," she said.

If you did not get the opportunity to show off your cleavage on Friday, you still have tonight to wear those V-neck shirts, deep plunging strappy and halter-neck tops.

NCD celebrations started early on Friday morning when women "strutting their stuff" in Edgars, Foschini and Truworths at La Lucia Mall, Gateway Shopping Centre and the Pavilion handed out free Cosmopolitan magazines to customers.

Another activity planned for Friday night is the mega-party at Billy the Bums in Windermere.

Paterson promised if you are found wearing a wonderbra, a free G-string will be yours.

Cafe Vacca Matta are also throwing a Las Vegas party, sponsored by Jack Daniels, and will be giving away lots of prizes.

One competition at Cafe Vacca Matta is the "Best Cleavage".

So, ladies, head out and indulge and celebrate being a "true South African woman".

Shortly after the announcement, South African embassies worldwide reported a sharp increase in inquiries from men wanting to find out what the requirements are for immigration to South Africa.

Damn. It's Too Late to Get a Bigger Box - Got Any Ideas?

Deceased and wife, Ann Hines
(Before death)

South Carolina man's corpse cut to fit coffin

Apr 03 2009 01:04PM CST

By JEFFREY COLLINS - Associated Press Writer

James Hines was a giant _ a 6-foot-7, 300-pound preacher and funk musician so big that after he died in 2004, a macabre rumor began circulating in this small town that the undertaker had to cut off his legs to fit him in the coffin.

This week, after years of whispers, Hines' body was exhumed, and the gruesome story appeared to be all too true.

The coroner's office said only that it had found "undesirable evidence," and a criminal investigation has been opened. But Hines' widow said investigators told her that his legs had been cut off between the ankle and calf, and his feet had been placed inside the casket.

"It's just like pulling the scab off an old sore. I was kind of like smoothing things out. But now it's like starting all over again," Ann Hines said Thursday, with her attorney, Abner Beasley, at her side, two days after investigators pulled the casket from the ground, lifted the lid, photographed the contents and returned it to the earth, all without leaving the graveyard.

Under South Carolina law, destroying or desecrating human remains is punishable by one to 10 years in prison.

"It's also punishable by a big dollar award to the grieving widow," said Beasley.

Reached this week, a man who identified himself as the owner of Cave Funeral Home, which handled the funeral, declined to comment.

The allegations were so startling that funeral directors around the country are talking about the case.

"You hear old wives' tales about this around the turn of the century, but, no, this was a shock to me," said Doggett Whitaker, a past president of the National Funeral Directors Association.

Ann Hines said that she and her family went to the funeral home after her husband's death to make the final arrangements, and she picked out a standard-size casket. At the funeral, only the top half of the lid was open, showing Hines from the chest up, she said. She said nobody ever suggested a bigger box.

Funeral directors sometimes pull up the knees or shift the padding in the coffin to make sure the body fits. But the best solution is usually a longer casket, Whitaker said, adding: "Just being upfront and honest with the family is the best path to take."