News Flash: Unsinkable Titanic Sinks

The Titanic Before Sinking>>>>>>>>>>


Captain Smith Before Sinking>>>>>>>>>





Newfoundland, Apr.15,2009


In shocking news it was learned early today that the "unsinkable" British cruise ship, the Titanic, had sunk like a rock, on her maiden voyage, within 3 hours of striking an ice berg in the North Atlantic. The ship, which was built with individual watertight compartments and massive steel plates, to prevent the rapid filling of the hold with seawater in the event of a breach of the ship's hull, failed miserably, a victim of rotton design and poor quality construction.

It was speculated that the sinking of the ship was caused indirectly by the financial turmoil currently rocking the Western world. Financing for the ship vanished when derivatives took a sharp dive and the Titanic's ship builder, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, Ltd.,sustained heavy losses, causing it to skimp on the Titanic's construction.

"Sure, there were several essentials that had to be cut, such as extra ballast, and the expensive motors used to close the steel doors between compartments in case of a breach of the hull," said a major contractor involved in the ship's construction, who asked not be identified. His name is Horace Hampton. "But how could anyone foresee that the stupid captain was going to run into a freakin' ice berg," said Hampton, speaking on condition of anonymity. "It's just lke New Orleans. As the President said, who could foresee that those levees were going to crumble. It was an Act of God.

A highly placed official of Lloyds of London, which insured the vessel, when informed of the disaster said, "Holy Shit," on condition of not being identified to his parish priest. The failure of the insurance giant (there were a lot of rich people on board for the free booze) could wreak additional havoc in the financial world.

But back to the ship itself and the drowned passengers and crew. An estimated 1500 people suffered the horrible agony of drowning, choking, gagging, vomiting, loss of bowel control, one of the worst ways to die short of crucifixion, according to a local pharmacist. A more fortunate 866 passengers, were rescued from life boats by the Carpathian, the first ship to arrive at the scene of the catastrophe. "We could have taken on a few hundred more, but it would have put a strain on food supplies, meaning diminished rations for the crew and a lot of grumbling, which gives everyone a headache," said the lst Mate of the Carpathian, who used a false identity.

There were scores of celebrities from the entertainment world on board because, until only a few hours ago, the Titanic was "the place to be," if you sought publicity. The claims representative for Lloyds, Ms. Prime Cherry, said their losses would be enormous because of all the rich people and celebrities on board, who purchase tens of millions of pounds of unnecessary personal life insurance so they can brag to their friends about how much they would be worth, dead. I find that rather ghoulish quite frankly, and assure you Lloyds will search for every conceivable loophole to avoid the payment of their legitimate claims. "We probably can survive if we can avoid payment of a only one-third of those life insurance claims," said Cherry. "I liked that idea about it being an Act of God. We might have a clause in their policies which voids our liability when death is caused by an Act of God. It's not our fault what she does."

E.J. Smith, the Captain of the Titanic, went down with the ship and hence was not available for an interview for this story, "in flagrant breach of a clause in his contract of emploment which requires him to do interviews and speak about major events in connection with his ship. This certainly qualifies as a major event and he's off hanging out in Davey Jones' locker. That's one more expense we can avoid, paying his salary to his widow," acording to a bean counter employed by Capt. Smith's employer.