Monday, April 27, 2009

Let's Keep All That Sex Talk Out of Religion and Back in the Gutter Where It Belongs

No Sex Talk Permitted, Anywhere, Anytime, By Anyone! By Order of Risk Manager - Also No Sex Allowed, Except By Immaculate Conception.

Church giving 'great sex' sermons might get booted

Sin City, Idaho Apr 26 2009 08:09PM CST

A church giving sermons about sex may have to find a new home. The risk management team of the Slow Snake Shopping and Worship Center, where the church leases space, has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of the sanctuary because of a worship series titled "Great Sex for You."

Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" 24,500 residents wrote back and said yes. The three-week program kicked off inside the auditorium with standing room only. Pastor Pete Peterson had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic. "We are going to talk to our congregants about good, hot sex, the way God intended."

Max Langlonger, the director of risk management for the center, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the church. "We're trying to keep our children ignorant about sex until they marry. Parents should keep their children away from such nasty talk," said Langlonger, a convicted pedophile. "I'm offering to counsel any parent's child about just saying no, free of charge," said Langlonger with a leer.

Langlonger says the church's lease contract is under review. "We've got our attorneys looking for loopholes."

"We'll get these sleazeball sexaholics out of here one way or another," said the center's owner, Bart Baltimore, on condition of celibacy. "This is a sex free community. No smoking, no drinking, no cussing, no dancing, no kissing, no nudity, no ogling, no roller skating, no feeling up, and no sex."

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