Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Urinator Exterminated - Odor Remains
Cornehls - The Urinator
Ross - The Pub(l)ic Artist
IRS plugs leak: Alleged elevator urinator charged
May 27 2009 07:17PM CDT
A secret agent used surveillance cameras to confirm a smelly suspicion: Someone had been urinating in a freight elevator at an Internal Revenue Service data center in Detroit. Authorities filed a criminal charge Tuesday against Jim Cornehls. In an affidavit, treasury agent Golinda Spook said she interviewed Cornehls in January 2008and he admitted urinating in the elevator for months.
Spook said Cornehls did it "because it was fun, because he thought he could get away with it and because the IRS deserved to be pissed on." It cost $4,600 to clean the elevator.
Cornehls, who was a consultant with the IRS, was charged with damaging federal property. He told reporters at his arraignment that he expected to be represented by famed criminal defense lawyer, Bud Blaylock, of Balch Springs, Texas. Blaylock, who is unknown outside Balch Springs, has never won a criminal trial, so Cornehls believes he is due for a victory. "Sooner or later Bud's got to win one; Blaylock is my lawyer, win or mistrial," said Cornehls.
It is believed Cornehls may have had a female accomplice, shown above, but no hard evidence linking the woman to the ongoing criminal enterprise in the elevator has been uncovered. She was not with Cornehls at the time he was caught on the surveillance cameras. The woman's name, Betsy Ross, was not released pending further investigation and a urine sample.
When questioned by authorities in a nearby park Ms. Ross claimed she was taking a pregnancy test and protested that the officers were violating her right to privacy. She was arrested for indency and/or complacency.
An attorney, with extensive experience in corporate acquisitions,told reporters he thought Ms. Ross had several valid constitutional defenses: her First Amendment right to free artistic expression because she was drawing in a childrens' coloring book with her directed urine stream and the drawing is to be used in a new childrens' art book; violations of her right to privacy; and because she was subjected to a non consensual search. Finally, the attorney believed Ms. Ross could be acquitted by merely waving the flag. (Get it? Betsy Ross, waving the flag?)
Beverley Beluga, a spokeswoman for prosecutors, says the government was unsuccessful in trying to resolve the case against Cornehls without a criminal charge. "We didn't want to get into a public pissing contest with Cornehls, himself an attorney, well known economist, and author. A jury is likely to sympathize with him just because he did what they all would like to do, piss on the IRS. I'd probably vote for an acquittal, too, if I was on the jury."
Immediately after making the comment, Beluga was fired, for frequent tardiness and excessive absenteeism, and was forced to surrender her restroom key card, despite her request to use the toilet before leaving. She was ordered by a U.S. Marshal not to use the frieght elevator to leave the building.