Blob Jump

blob

n.

1. A soft, amorphous mass.

2. A daub, as of color.

tr.v. blobbed, blob·bing, blobs

To splash or daub with blobs; splotch.

The Heart Attack Grill - Fine American Cuisine

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant, exeptin' Alice. But at the Heart Attack Grill you can get a custom coronary, with 100% blockage. Hot nurse/waitresses are extra.

Animal Theme Park

Sex On the Patio

Ohio Man given 6 month sentence for having sex outdoors

Art Price, who is married with children, was caught on tape having sex outdoors on four occasions....with a picnic table

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table.

The neighbor -- who wishes to remain anonymous -- saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex.

"The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table," Johnson says.

Will he be required to register as a sex offender of patio furniture?

Sex at the Carwash

Man arrested for having Sex with Vacuum at Car Wash

From CW 30 Eyewitness News --

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.

Afghan Man's Eyes Gouged Out in Front of Family

Afghan Man's Eyes Gouged Out in Front of Family

From Fox News --

Armed assailants attacked a man and gouged out his eyes in front of his family during a gruesome assault in southern Afghanistan, officials said Sunday.

Ghulam said three armed men knocked on his door in the Sangin district of Helmand province late Thursday. When he opened the door, they punched him in the face, put the barrel of a Kalashnikov rifle in his mouth and gouged out his eyes with a knife in the presence of his wife and seven children.

"I was crying, along with my children and wife, who was screaming for help, but they didn't listen," Ghulam told The Associated Press from his hospital room in Kandahar.

Ghulam, a farmer who said he raises wheat and popcorn, said he doesn't know why he was attacked. "I don't have any enemies. But they were not letting me talk

Frozen Balls

Chilly thief in frozen shrimp trouser heist

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A man has been arrested in America after trying to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a shop by sticking them down his trousers.

The incident occurred in Florida. You probably guessed that already.

The thief and his chilly private parts were apprehended on Sunday, when an off-duty policeman shopping in a supermarket in Bradenton, Florida, spotted a man with bulging trousers.

The detective confronted the man, who confessed, and pulled several bags of frozen shrimp from his trousers. He promised to put them back on the shelf. Then tried to flee for the exit.

The policeman tackled him, and he was charged with shoplifting, battery on an officer and resisting arrest. But at least his nether regions were warmer.

Venison "Beef"

Woman Slugs Deer

Montana Standard - 10/22/08

A 61-year-old woman from Silver Star said she got into a tussle with an aggressive deer after it apparently attacked one of her poodles Monday morning. Carol Lince said she had to fight a doe when it charged her in her yard at her home just south of Silver Star, about 35 miles southeast of Butte. Lince said she sustained bruises where the deer rammed its head into her abdomen area.“I’m still sore today,” she told The Montana Standard Tuesday afternoon. Lince said she had let her three poodles outside, when she heard one “screaming bloody murder.” She went outside and saw a deer attacking the smallest dog.“I see this big ’ol doe that’s ramming him into the ground,” Lince recalled. Lince kicked at the deer’s hind legs to try to get the animal off her dog.That’s when the deer turned around.
“When it looked at me I realized I bit off a little more than I can chew, but I’m going to fight,” she said.She said the deer rammed her with its head and pushed her into her fence. Lince balled up her fists and started walloping the deer’s head until it eventually jumped her fence and ran off. Lince said her dog, whose name happens to be Little Fighter, was pronounced OK after being checked by a veterinarian. Butte-area game warden Matt Strozewski said deer can become aggressive toward animals or people.“Any wild animal can become aggressive,” he said, adding that deer can become especially aggressive during rut. Lince, a longtime carrier for The Montana Standard, said she didn’t think twice about confronting the deer because she is protective of her poodles.“I’m not a wimp; I don’t back down,” she said.

Woman Allergic to World

A woman in Pennsylvania, who is allergic to everything, built a homemade, chemical free "bubble" in her backyard, complete with toilet, TV, reading materials, etc. The "bubble was made of sheets of plastic, scrap wood and other discarded items. She spent 10 hours daily inside the bubble to escape allergens. Her neighbors complained that the bubble was unsightly, she didn't obtain a building permit, was stealing electricity, the bubble was dangerous, and, most importantly, was lowering their property values. When approached about these complaints by the homeowners association she told them to fuck off. After considering the matter, the city informed her she would be required to tear down the bubble. So it goes.

Barbecued Grandma

Authorities say relatives of a deceased Tehama County woman cremated her remains on a makeshift barbecue and continued collecting her retirement checks.

Ramona Allmond's daughter and grandson were arrested Sunday on suspicion of embezzlement, elder abuse and disposing of a body without a permit, among other charges. They are being held at the Tehama County Jail in Red Bluff on $30,000 bail, with arraignment set for Thursday. The grandmother's daughter and grandson described the dead grandma as a "crochety old bitch who was just taking up space and needed to move on." The grandson told police the old woman had once called him a toad and frequently insulted family members and guests with obscene gestures.(See file photo above)"It was just time for the old biddy to take that long hike to eternity. Nobody liked her. Her own dog bit her. I'd say it's good riddance if you asked me."

Sheriff's Capt. Paul Hosler says the 84-year-old Allmond likely had died of natural causes, though investigators are still trying to determine the cause of death.

Hosler says her daughter, 50-year-old Kathleen Allmond, and her grandson, 30-year-old Tony Ray, told investigators they left the body on her bedroom floor for a week before cremating the remains in their backyard fire pit. They then covered the pit and remains with soil and planted a tree on top, according to investigators. The family's home sits in the midst of a 10-acre olive grove, remote from neighbors.

Detectives say the daughter also fashioned a two-inch piece of her mother's skull into a necklace. Hosler said Ray took a photograph of Kathleen Allmond wearing the necklace, as well as a beaded wire tiara that she believed would ward off radio waves, to post on a social networking Web site.

"It gets really weird when you have a piece of mom's skull hanging around your neck," Hosler said. "I'm not aware of any religion that allows you to burn your family members in the backyard and collect their pension."

Investigators said they kept collecting her monthly retirement checks amounting to more than $25,000 since the elderly woman died in December.

Det. Richard Knox said they may have been trying to honor the woman's desire to die at home and be cremated.

Deputies arrested the pair after the dead woman's son asked deputies for a welfare check because he had not heard from his mother since December. Hosler said his suspicions were further aroused last week when he called and Kathleen Allmond pretended she was the 84-year-old woman.