Next Time Use the Jawbone of an Ass

Man uses slingshot to fire marbles at speed camera

Published - Jun 27 2012 09:27PM CST

Associated Press

ELLICOTT CITY, Md. (AP) — Police in Maryland say a man has been charged with assault for using a slingshot to fire glass marbles at a speed camera van.

Authorities say Bruce Lawrence May of Ellicott City was arrested Tuesday. The 50-year-old Lawrence was also charged with destruction of property and reckless endangerment. He was released on $3,000 bond.

Howard County police say that at about 5 p.m. Tuesday, the van was near Manor Woods Elementary School when the operator heard something hit the side of the vehicle. The operator saw a minivan pass and saw the driver with a slingshot fire another projectile at the speed camera van.

Police say that May had received two speed camera violations recently.

Dismembered, Misremembered Legs Found

6-28-12

Near Butte, Montana

Hikers discovered a pair of men's legs, no longer attached to a torso, in a rural area north of Butte.  The hikers had no idea who the legs belonged to but a search of the surrounding area was undertaken by police, who had discovered nothing by dark.

The search will resume in the morning, hopefully with the help of some police tracking dogs.

If you have a friend or neighbor with missing legs, you are urged to contact Montana authorities, who have blocked off the crime scene.  And the legs have been sent to the Montana forensic lab in Missoula, for analysis.

Airline Offers Fare Discount Option When Seated Next To Corpse

Flier seated next to corpse receives partial fare refund

USA TODAY 6-26-12

A Swedish woman who complained she had to sit near a dead passenger on an overnight flight from Amsterdam to Africa has received a partial refund of her fare.
Lena Pettersson, a reporter for Sweden's public Sveriges Radio, tells the Expressen newspaper her seatmate appeared extremely ill when she boarded a Kenya Airways flight.

Pettersson said the man "was sweating and was having convulsions" in view of the attendants, but that the crew nonetheless closed the cabin doors and pulled away from the gate. Pettersson -- bound for the Tanzanian city of Dar es Salaam -- says the man died shortly after takeoff and she had to sit within a few feet of his corpse as the flight continued on its long overnight route to Africa.

Most media reports say that the incident happened on a Kenya Airways flight from Amsterdam to Dar es Salaam. However Kenya Airways does not offer regularly schedule service on that route, so -- presumably -- the incident came on a connecting itinerary via Kenya Airways' hub in Nairobi.

The Daily Mail of London, also citing the Swedish language Expressen newspaper, writes the "cabin crew appeared at a loss as to what to do next, so flight attendants wrapped the corpse in a blanket as best they could and laid him out across three seats, Expressen reported."

Pettersson says attendants were able to move most other passengers to empty seats away from the man's corpse, but – with no other empty seats available – she remained just across the aisle from the dead passenger. She described the man as tall, saying his feet stuck out into the aisle after he was laid on the empty row of seats.

She complained to Kenya Airways after she returned from her holiday to Tanzania. After "several months" of back-and-forth correspondence with the carrier, Kenya Airways reimbursed her about $713 – or about half the cost of her round-trip ticket.

Not the actual dead flyer, but tall.

"This feels much better. It is reasonable," Pettersson is quoted by The Local as saying to Sveriges Radio.

Where Was Child Protective Services?

Pet piranha bites off Illinois toddler's fingertip

Published - Jun 23 2012 09:41AM CST

Associated Press

CHICAGO (AP) — Chicago-area parents thought their pit bull was to blame when they heard their 18-month-old daughter crying and discovered one of her fingertips had been severed.

Turns out, the culprit was a piranha the family kept in an aquarium.

Doctors determined the bite wasn't from a dog after the girl was rushed to a hospital by ambulance Tuesday night.

Cook County Sheriff's Department spokesman Frank Bilecki tells the Chicago Tribune (http://trib.in/NldQUB ) the girl's father cut open one of two piranhas and found the fingertip. He says doctors tried to reattach the fingertip, but he didn't know if they were successful.

He didn't immediately respond to messages left Saturday by The Associated Press, and a hospital spokesman couldn't provide the information.

Bilecki says the parents were distraught and aren't facing charges.  They did point out they were continuing with plans to adopt a black python one of their friends was giving away because it had become aggressive and had squeezed the life out the family's tabby cat.

Fraternity-like Initiation By Roommates.

Police: Roommates tortured Utah man with small power tool

June 22, 2012

MAGNA, Utah —
A group of six roommates is behind bars after police say they bound another 41-year-old roommate's feet with tape, stapled his lips shut, and spent the night torturing him with a small power tool (a Dremel) in their Utah home near Salt Lake City.

Police believe the suspects were suspicious about their new roommate, who told authorities he'd moved into the house in Magna a week and a half earlier and had agreed to remodel the basement in exchange for rent.

"One of the suspect's claimed over the last several weeks different people have pulled a gun on him in the street," Unified Police Lt. Justin Hoyal said. "They believed (the victim) was responsible for it."
Hoyal says six men and women held the roommate at gunpoint in their home starting late Saturday or early Sunday.

They handcuffed him, put staples in his ears and chest, stapled his lips together so he could not scream, and used a Dremel tool to cut him, according to jail reports.

Police said the roommates also struck him multiple times with objects including a crutch, a keyboard, a laptop and the butt of a shotgun.

"All night they tortured him," Hoyal said.

The group decided at about 4 a.m. Sunday (possibly when their drugs wore off) that the roommate might not be responsible for the threats, Hoyal said. They then released the man, who reportedly fled to his sister's house and was taken to a hospital.

Six people were booked into the Salt Lake County Jail on charges of aggravated kidnapping, aggravated assault and obstruction of justice.

Records showed all of the suspects remained there Tuesday morning. It's unclear whether they have attorneys.  It's unclear whether they are sane.

The six suspects are Jennifer Moses, 30; Lee Carl Moses, 26; David Masters, 55; Paula Masters, 43; Brandon Haggard, 20; and Tracy Jordan, 45.

Magna is about 15 miles from Salt Lake City.

The victim told police investigators it was a very unpleasant experience.

Half A Street Or Half a Pub?

A car sat in a giant sinkhole in Duluth, Minn. Wednesday, June 19, 2011. Residents evacuated their homes and animals escaped from pens at a zoo as floods fed by a steady torrential downpour struck northeastern Minnesota, inundating the city of Duluth, officials said Wednesday. (AP Photo)

The photo above depicts the auto where it finally came to rest.  The soil subsidence left a nice picnic table on top of a sewer main.  It will need some custom bar stools, however, and some deodorant and disinfectant.

NYC Says "No" To Nude Art Model

Nude paint model sues NY over Times Square arrest

Published - Jun 19 2012 06:24PM CST

Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — A woman arrested by New York police in August as her nude body was being painted by an artist in Times Square has filed a civil rights lawsuit against the city.

The lawsuit was filed by Zoe West on Tuesday in federal court in Manhattan. It seeks unspecified damages. West alleges she was arrested in violation of her rights while being painted by Andy Golub.

The 22-year-old model says police didn't give her clothes to put on until about 20 minutes after her arrest. (Many believe this delay was deliberate to benefit employees at the jail where she was booked who wanted to see her naked.).  Her attorney,Ron Kuby, says the point of the lawsuit is to maintain and preserve artistic creativity in the city.

A spokeswoman for the city's Law Department says the city hasn't seen the lawsuit and can't comment.

The nude models shown in the accompanying photos say it was ridiculous to arrest Ms. West and a violation of her civic rights.

Spearhead Teenager

MIAMI (AP) — Doctors in Miami have successfully removed a spear accidentally shot through a teenager's skull during a spearfishing trip.

Yasser Lopez, 16, was in serious condition Tuesday at Jackson Memorial Hospital's Ryder Trauma Center.

The spear gun accidentally fired as it was being loaded. Lopez was hospitalized June 7 with 3 feet of the spear protruding from his forehead.

Doctors say the spear entered the teen's head 2 inches above his right eye and came out the back of his skull. Miami-Dade Fire Rescue tools were used to cut the spear so the teen could be X-rayed.

The rest of the spear was removed in a three-hour surgery. Doctors told reporters Monday that the spear missed all the main blood vessels in the brain. They said Lopez doesn't remember the accident.

Good Come Back Line By Good 'Ole' Georgia Boy

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment, when shown a photo of his handiwork.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

Real Life Case of Nut Busting - Yeeeeooooowwwch

June 6, 2012 at 8:39 am by PetePuma  

Shelby, NC – 39-year-old Joyce Maxine Gregory was arrested Saturday morning and charged with “malicious castration” and “assault inflicting serious bodily injury” after allegedly squeezing a 59-year-old man’s scrotum with enough force to cause one of his testicles to pop out.
I will apologize in advance for the short article, but it’s uncomfortable to write while cross-legged, with my thighs involuntarily constricting my formidable junk.

The person pictured is the reported perpetrator in this crime.  According to police, Gregory and the man, who were supposedly in some sort of “romantic” relationship, were arguing Saturday morning.  It must have been getting fairly heated though, because the man reports that he stepped outside to call 911.

It was then that Gregory allegedly grabbed the man by his plum-sac…hard…and I mean REALLY hard; so hard, in fact, that his scrotum ruptured, causing one of his testicles to peek out from what had become, and I’m visualizing here, a hairy, wrinkly, swollen, bloody mess.

The man was able to wrench himself free and walk to the Shelby Rescue Squad building for help.  Police who were called to the scene of the brutal plum-juicing found Gregory and placed her under arrest.
Officer M. L. McPherson stated in his report that the victim’s “scrotum had been split open,” adding that, “I was also able to observe one of the subject’s testicles protruding from the scrotum area.”  Lucky Officer McPherson.

While in the squad car, Gregory reportedly removed her pants and urinated on the seats.  She is being held on $20,000 bond for some odd reason and is scheduled to appear in court on June 18th.
The urologist who returned the man’s nut to its rightful position and stitched the wound says that there should be no permanent damage, but I’m going to guess that it hurts like hell right about now.

Man Claims Self-Defense Against Woman Stuck to His Car When He Tried to Drive Away

Published - Jun 14 2012 09:55AM CST

Associated Press

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (AP) — A man was accused of fleeing a hit-and-run accident with the victim still attached to his fender and fighting to get free.
A van driven by Frank Rega struck a 23-year-old woman who was standing in front of a disabled car in Bridgeport on March 15, police said. The woman became stuck on the driver's side fender, but Rega drove off, even as she was yelling at him and hitting him in the face in an attempt to get him to stop, police said.
She eventually fell off the van, struck the roadway and suffered a head injury, police said. She was treated and released from St. Vincent's Medical Center.
Rega, 56, of Monroe, faces numerous charges including reckless endangerment, reckless driving, evading responsibility and driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the Connecticut Post reported (http://bit.ly/Lmjt67). He was released after posting a $500 bond.
Monroe police arrested Rega at his home. As they were handcuffing him, he told officers he had acted in self-defense, police said.
A message seeking comment was left for Rega at his home Thursday. He was scheduled to be arraigned on Tuesday.
___

Gator Bait

Alligator bites off airboat captain's hand in Fla.

•  Wednesday, June 13, 2012 9:43 am 

Wildlife officials say an alligator has bitten the hand off an airboat captain in southwest Florida.
Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officials say wildlife officers tracked and euthanized the alligator after the attack Tuesday afternoon in Everglades City.

Commission spokeswoman Carli Segelson tells the Naples Daily News (http://bit.ly/KAe6ix) the hand was pulled from the alligator's stomach and taken to the hospital where the captain was being treated.
No additional details about the attack were immediately available. It was unclear if anyone else was in the boat.

The commission identified the captain as 63-year-old Wallace Weatherholt of Captain Doug's Everglades Tours.  Since the pilot was in a state of shock and heavily sedated it was not immediately clear if there were other tour customers in the boat who were all seized by this alligator or a possible gang of alligators. It could even have been a giant python (shown) who recently have been eating alligators in the Everglades.

L.A. Lung Hoax Revealed.

Possible lungs found on LA County sidewalk

Published - Jun 11-12 2012 

A & P

LOS ANGELES — Authorities say something that looks like lungs have been found on a sidewalk in south Los Angeles County.
Sheriff's Sgt. Robert Dean tells the Los Angeles Times (http://lat.ms/LkBEdZ ) that a citizen called Sunday evening to report organs on the sidewalk on Avalon Boulevard in an unincorporated area.
He says he doesn't know what they are but deputies turned them over to coroner's officials.
Coroner's spokesman Ed Winter says a doctor has not looked at what was found yet. He says an examination will be conducted Monday or Tuesday.

The L.A. coroner's office asked anyone with missing lungs to contact the office.  The above are not photos of actual lungs but are anatomical drawings of lungs.

In a late breaking news story the LA County Coroner has determined that the item(s) first identified as possible lungs are not human and it is not known what body parts they are, if any.  So the drawing herein is incorrect and doesn't resemble any real human lungs.  Sorry.

Heavy Pornography

5/2/12

A man was arrested by police after making 17 calls to 911 to talk dirty to the operator.  The man also had a prior record for making similar calls to 911 operators in Florida when he lived there.

The man told cops that all his personal attempts to meet women who he could talk dirty to were frustrating because none of them would agree.  He said he was willing to talk to women on 900 pay to talk lines but he was broke and his credit card had been canceled for non payment.

After he was tracked down and the police sent to arrest him, he said he suspected it was about the 911 calls and wondered why it had taken the police so long to get there.

He told the arresting officers he was sorry but he just had to talk dirty to a naked woman.

Cannibalism Returns To America

Maryland 5/2/12

In another horrifying incident of human flesh-eating this week, a student in Maryland admitted to devouring his roommate's brain and heart, after killing him.

Alexander Kinyua, a 21-year-old Morgan State University student, admitted to murdering his roommate Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, who was reported missing last Friday, cops told the Baltimore Sun.
Kinyua's father called police late Tuesday night when Kinyua's brother reportedly found human remains -- a head and two hands -- in a metal tin in the basement. The brother and father left the room for a short time, but when they came back, the body parts had been moved and Kinyua was washing out the tin, the paper reported.

Officers searched the house and arrested Kinyua. He confessed that not only had he killed Agyei-Kodie by cutting him up with a knife and then dismembered him, he ingested parts of the victim's brain and all of his heart. He then dropped most of the remains in a Dumpster behind a church in Joppatowne.

Kinyua is shown in the photo above.  Bonsofo no longer exists for photographic purposes.

It's yet unclear what Kinyua's motive may have been, but he was charged with first-degree murder on Wednesday.  In some primitive cults in Africa and other impoverished nations it is believed that one may acquire the prowess of a rival by eating his heart and brain.  Kinyua may have been doing poorly in school while Bonsofo was a top scholar. In another incident on May 20, Kinyua was charged with first-degree assault when he allegedly beat a fellow student randomly with a baseball bat and then fled into the woods.

The gruesome case comes on the heels of a similar attack in Miami on Saturday, in which Rudy Eugene, 31, was killed by cops while in the process of chewing off most of a homeless man's face.
Ronald Poppo, 65, is alive, but the bizarre flesh-eating attack left doctors with a literal puzzle in how to put his face back together.

There currently is no market in the U.S. for human body parts for consumption as food, but as the depression deepens butchering humans for resale in flesh markets may become more common.

Homeless Man Chews Off Face Of Another Man

Rudy Eugene, 31, shown below, the so-called "cannibal" Miami man who was fatally shot as he chewed on another man's face in a gruesome attack over the weekend, is suspected to have been high on a drug known as "bath salts."
Armando Aguilar, president of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police announced his theory, adding that the drug “causes them to go completely insane and become very violent."

Rudy's victim in the brutal face eating attack was another homeless man, high on drugs and unconscious during the attack.

Rudy had to be shot by cops to halt the attack.

Beatles Fan Pays Tribute To Band By "Doing It In the Road"

                     Ashley Holton Accused Of Masturbating On Florida Highway

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Drivers pulled illegal U-turns just to catch a glimpse of Ashley Holton, witnesses said.
The 35-year-old woman was arrested on May 26 for masturbating on Highway 484 in Ocala, Fla.
A witness told authorities that Holton had slowed traffic for more than 30 minutes before deputies arrived, the report said. The witness also said that honking car horns only seemed to encourage her.
When a Marion County Sheriff's Deputy approached her, Holton pulled up her shirt and bra, "exposing her breasts and bra," according to the report.
Holton was arrested and taken to the Marion County Jail. When an officer attempted to put pants on her, the report said Holton kicked and bit her. Holton described her chomping as "a love tap," the report stated.
Holton's alleged antics didn't stop once she had entered the jail, where she "continued to resist the officers by spreading her legs, exposing her vagina and telling the officers to kiss her there and refusing verbal commands to cooperate," according to the report.
Holton, who the report said may have been under the influence of alcohol, was charged with exposure of sexual organs, battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting an officer and disorderly conduct.

$4K golden vibrator stolen in armed Brazil heist

Published - May 31 2012 06:04PM CST

Associated Press

BRASILIA, Brazil (AP) — An armed man in Brazil heisted an 18-carat gold-plated vibrator selling for $4,000 at a luxury sex shop.

Police say he walked into the Erotica Luxo store in Brasilia, tied up a clerk and took the item from its display case. He did not insist on a demonstration and stole nothing else.

It's high season for erotic shops in Brazil as the nation celebrates its own Valentine's Day in less than two weeks.

Store owner Vanessa Baldini tells the G1 news website the robber might get no satisfaction from Wednesday's theft. She says the Swedish-made vibrator has a stainless steel core, making removing any gold plating extremely difficult.

And she notes the robber didn't take the vibrator's charger.     Ordinary $21.95 vibrator shown below.

She says: "I really don't know what he'll do. I'll leave it up to his imagination."  We believe he'll think of something.