Turkeys in Oregon Get Even

A.P. Eugene, Oregon, November 25, 2008

Hundreds of wild turkeys invaded the city of Eugene, Oregon, on the eve of Thanksgiving, striking a blow for their domesticated (means they can be killed) brothers and sisters throughout the U.S. The turkey invaders have made a mess of the city, leaving piles of smelly turkey poop everywhere, including the roofs of 1,000s of homes and businesses, tearing up gardens and lawns, raiding dumpsters, trampling cats, terrorizing little old ladies and children, and keeping the local police busy answering calls for assistance.

The police couldn't do much but try to reassure terrified citizens and explain that these turkeys have special rights and are protected by state and federal wildlife laws. The turkeys lawyered up prior to the invasion and their attorney, Tom Turkey, speaking on condition of anonymity, held a press conference to remind Eugenians they could face stiff penalties for killing or injuring any of the birds.

"These birds have been the victims of persecution since the days of the Pilgrims and face annual mass slaughter by the U.S. population, for use in massive turkey eat-ins, where millions of overweight Americans scream at one another and stuff themselves with the flesh of the dead fowl," said Mr.Turkey. He went on to remark, "It's a national disgrace and various international animal rights organizations have been at work for years to end the carnage." "Once a year, in a hypocritical gesture, the President and State Governors grant pardons to 51 turkeys, leaving millions of turkeys to their fates, then retreat to their own mansions to eat other unpardoned birds," said Jane Mockingbird, a member of the Fowl Unprotected for Christ Union (FUCU).

A spokesperson for the National Association of Turkeys (NAT) said more city invasions in other parts of the U.S. were planned for future years. The turkeys' goal is to stage a million turkey crap-in for the nation's capital, possibly as early as next year. "Can you imagine the amount of additional crap that would pile up in Washington? The nation's capital would be shut down by a shit-storm of turkey poop and Congressional crap combined," according to the NAT spokesperson. "And not a darn thing could be done about it by the nations' most powerfull bull-shitters."