Sunday, November 30, 2008

Star Football Player Double Loser

Giants receiver Burress shoots self in right thigh
Published - Nov 30 2008 06:34AM CST | AP


Super Bowl hero Plaxico Burress shot himself in the right thigh when he missed and failed to shoot himself in the foot. Witnesses said Burress was despondent about critical reports of him in the tabloid press. He told a friend if the "news guys" were going to continue to accuse him of shooting himself in the foot every time he opened his mouth, he really was going to do it. Witnesses said Burress was drinking heavily. Because of his drunken condition he was unable to focus clearly, and instead of shooting himself in the foot, the bullet entered his right thigh. He did hold his mouth open while shooting, however, so he was only half wrong. He spent the night in a local psychiatric hospital. Burress was released with his fully-loaded gun just before dawn this morning when he threatened to shoot a hospital attendant in the foot. A NY Giants fan, waiting to see a relative in the hospital, described Mr. Burress as a jackass. N.Y.Giants owner, Wellington Mara, said Burress should be able to play in Sunday's game. "With enough pain killers and steroids he should be ready to go," said Mara. "Plaxico is a player."

(Kudos to Lee Somewhere for correcting the spelling of Mr. Burress's name. The little twit.)

Contributing to this report was Edjuardo Mondragon, on assignment in Madagascar to cover the breaking news that the island nation would lease 40% of its total land area to a North Korean firm for 99 years.

1 comment:

  1. So is it Mr. Burress, Mr. Burroughs or Mr. Burrows?