Nero Redux

SEC Staffers Accused of Watching Porn on the Job

April 23, 2010

WASHINGTON — Senior staffers at the Securities and Exchange Commission spent hours surfing pornographic websites on government-issued computers while they were being paid to police the financial system, an agency watchdog says.

The SEC's inspector general conducted 33 probes of employees looking at explicit images in the past five years, according to a memo obtained by The Associated Press. The number of cases jumped from two in 2007 to 16 in 2008. The cracks in the financial system emerged in mid-2007 and spread into full-blown panic by the fall of 2008.

SEC spokesmen defended the practices. "This was an extremely stressful time for our office. We were working long hours and the pressure was overwhelming. Naturally, there were times staffers needed a release valve, and, simply, we needed them at their desks, not curled up in a fetal position in a third floor bathroom stall."

Besides the improved morale derived from the perk, staffers claimed it was also highly instructional. "We knew what was going down," said one staffer. "Do you have any idea how many ways there are to either screw or get screwed? The whole country was in for one hell of a ride, and we were key players. We had to learn how to make sure that all the right people, from the big guys to the little guys, would get screwed just right, whether from behind, from the side, on top, on bottom, or hanging from the ceiling. Watching these videos ensured that we knew we were managing the situation just right."

Another staffer was a bit remorseful. Times have changed from those panicked days, and new tools would now have been available to them. "The Supreme Court only recently established that other training material could have been made available to us. We could have learned a lot by watching a bunch of little peckers and nut jobs get squashed by women in six inch spike-heeled Dolce Gabanas."

SEC Chairman Mary Schapiro is reviewing each case individually.

Posted by Contributing editor Clavin