XL Johnsons need not apply

Police barred from penis enlargements (their own, we assume)

Fri Apr 23, 2010

JAKARTA – Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto, quoted on local website Kompas.com.

"If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military. We will only consider applicants with naturally small penises."

The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training," said police spokesman Zainuri Labis in Jakarta, quoted by news portal Dedik.com. "Jumping, climbing, running, and certain calisthenics are made much more difficult with an over-sized phallus. While we acknowledge that, statistically, there is a strong correlation between an officer's weapons' accuracy and penile size and weight, it does not compensate for other shortcomings."

Indonesia's remote easternmost province is home to Papuan tribes, many of whom are known for wearing penis gourds. This practice is more common among men than women.

According to local authorities, "A low-level separatist insurgency has waged in the resources-rich part of Indonesia for decades and there is a heavy police and military presence there." [ed: Our translator also translated the above as "Anxious eunichs, angry over their lost semen donation revenue, experienced increased hostility toward the well-endowed police force." We chose the former, despite our not fully understanding it.]

Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist quoted by local newspaper Jakarta Globe, wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy-witchy) tree so that it [i.e., the penis] swells up "like it has been stung by a bee," the expert said. Purveyors of gatal-gatal have also been fined for excessive spamming, promising similar apian-stimulated results for obsessed male pseudo-pharmacology consumers.

The expert was unwilling to explain his familiarity with bee-stung members and denied any beehive proclivities.