Friday, October 21, 2011

The Darwin Awards, Only 10 Months Late

The Darwin Awards are out!! That was in January, 2011.

Left: Typical Darwin Award Winner

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. A hospital spokesman where the man was taken declared his condition critical. The bullet passing through his forehead missed his brain.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. The inspector's was not and he was fired.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.. Understandably, he shot her. At his murder trial the only issue presented to the jury was whether or not the punishment fit the crime. A panel of Chicago jurors decided it did and acquitted him.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and given to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the boy told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly delivered. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas man with a perfect DNA match for everyone living in the state wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided to throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. He lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in he head, rendering him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. Worse, the whole event was caught on videotape. The liquor store owner, another perfect DNA match for everyone in Arkansas declined to press charges and gave the man a free case of beer.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." At trial he pled guilty to assault and robbery and to gross stupidity, the latter of which the judge threw out because New York has no law forbidding gross stupidity.

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... Frustrated, he walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] Michigan also has no law forbidding gross stupidity.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he found the taste of the gasoline very odd. Police arrived at the scene to find the man curled up in a foetal position next to a motor home, retching violently. The man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He was not charged because Washington has no crime prohibiting the theft of raw sewage by mouth. Raw sewage is provided free by the city to interested parties.

In the interest of bettering mankind, share these with friends and family....unless one of these individuals is a friend or relative of yours.

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!! Most of them are Republicans.

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