Wednesday, October 26, 2011

How To Speak Republican (aka Repugnican)

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating. Often, it seems as if they are speaking a different language -- and in many cases, they are! For this reason, in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, the following is a compilation of the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and their English translations, alphabetized for your convenience:

For some typical Republicans, see photos

America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1 in everything good.
Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been tried.
Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now only celebrated to see who can score the most expensive gifts.
Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
Coast (West): Another very bad coast inhabited by a lot of Democrats.
Communism: The incorrect belief espoused by Jesus Christ (see above.)
Condescending: Accurately informed.
Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately if not liked.
Corporations: Special persons who are ineligible for execution and can be re-organized when out of money.
Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't really matter.
Democrat: A political party.
Election: A method of selecting representatives of the people, no longer in use.
Elitist: Very Well Qualified.
Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
Evolution: A theory of human origins that is way out of line, ignores Jesus Christ and should not be taught in public schools.
Extremist (Liberal): One who espouses political beliefs that are held only by a large majority of Americans.
Fact: Information that has been posted to a RedState comment board.
Floozy: Republican wife or girlfriend
Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
Gut: Region of the body from which important decisions should be made.
Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment and gutter morality.
Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama despite the many similarities between them.
Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation techniques, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons in elementary schools and churches.
League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, an education from which automatically qualifies an individual for important political office.
Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot.
Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and perpetuated by New York Times columnist Paul Krugman.
Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear anything important.
Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
Muslims: Other brown people who have it coming.
News: News from Fox News
Obamacare: A Federally-mandated program to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
Organic: Something eaten by lesbians.
Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With or Without Representation."
Poll: A survey used to determine, within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right. Frequently flawed.
Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is thought to be guilty by 12 uninformed people who are not given all the facts.
Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse to white people.
Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on Moses.
Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous scientific system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his own personal Godless left-wing agenda.
Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
Socialism: An economic system invented by President Franklin Roosevelt.
Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue if they are lower for rich people.
Torture: A method of intensely painful, brutal interrogation not classified by the government as torture.
Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met cannot be compared.
Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of a mirror.
Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny they possess by hard work and the sweat of their brow with no government assistance.
Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, can be down.
Warming (Global): A carefully measured, anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
Yes: (no translation available)
No: Used as a substitute for yes.

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