Man, Literally 'Falls' Into Police Custody

Hidden suspect falls through ceiling, cops waiting below

Oct 31 2011

PORTLAND, Ore. — Police officers in Oregon say a domestic disturbance suspect more or less fell into their hands _ through the ceiling.

Portland police were called Monday to a home to deal with an intoxicated man reported as threatening relatives. Lt. Robert King says they found him barricaded in the attic and determined he wasn't a threat, so they began to leave with the intention of following up later.

They say that's when they heard a crash and turned to find the man had fallen through the ceiling and onto the living room floor.

Twenty-one-year-old Aaron Deon Kinsey was not injured in the fall. But he was booked on domestic violence charges, fourth-degree assault and harassment.

Another Exotic Pet Released By Its Owner - In The Nick Of Time

A 16-foot python found in the Everglades had eaten a 76 pound deer

Oct 28 2011

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK, Fla. — Officials in the Florida Everglades have captured and killed a 16-foot-long Burmese python that had just eaten an adult deer.

Scott Hardin, exotic species coordinator for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission, says workers found the snake on Thursday. The reptile was one of the largest ever found in South Florida.

Hardin says the python had recently consumed a 76-pound female deer that had died. He says it was an important capture to help stop the spread of pythons further north.

Impregnable Woman

Stuttgart, Germany

A German man was unable to impregnate his wife, shown on the right, because he was infertile. He hired his neighbor, who resembled him, for several thousand Euros, to have sex with his wife, in spite of heated protests from his neighbor's own wife.

After 72 nights of sexual intercourse with his neighbor's wife over a period of months, the husband demanded that his neighbor be tested also. He too, was found to be sterile, which forced his own wife to admit that their two children had not been fathered by him.

When the original 'wannabe' dad demanded the return of his money, his neighbor refused, saying he had done what he was hired to do, have sex with his neighbor's wife, but he had not guaranteed she would become pregnant.

The wife, smiling through it all, and making note of her own, significant (ass)ets, said it was not her fault and that she would be willing to continue the arrangement with the neighbor or another man or men in an effort to give her husband the child he wants.

Performance Art By Brooklyn Artist: Giving Birth Publicly To Her First Child In An Art Gallery

Brooklyn-based performance artist Marni Kotak, gave birth to her first child in front of a public audience at the Microscope Gallery in the Bushwick section of Brooklyn, New York, which was converted into a birthing room on Monday, Oct. 17, 2011. The birth was assisted by a midwife. Mother and child were reportedly in good condition, post partem.

Kotak is shown here advertising the upcoming performance at the gallery.

Seventeen spectators attended the free performance. No one fainted and there were no rain checks in case the fetus was uncooperative.

Kotak video recorded the birth to show to her son when he is older. Some psychologists think there is a chance her son may not want to see his mom in the nude during a blood bath that was his birth.

How To Speak Republican (aka Repugnican)

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating. Often, it seems as if they are speaking a different language -- and in many cases, they are! For this reason, in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, the following is a compilation of the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and their English translations, alphabetized for your convenience:

For some typical Republicans, see photos

America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1 in everything good.
Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been tried.
Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now only celebrated to see who can score the most expensive gifts.
Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
Coast (West): Another very bad coast inhabited by a lot of Democrats.
Communism: The incorrect belief espoused by Jesus Christ (see above.)
Condescending: Accurately informed.
Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately if not liked.
Corporations: Special persons who are ineligible for execution and can be re-organized when out of money.
Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't really matter.
Democrat: A political party.
Election: A method of selecting representatives of the people, no longer in use.
Elitist: Very Well Qualified.
Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
Evolution: A theory of human origins that is way out of line, ignores Jesus Christ and should not be taught in public schools.
Extremist (Liberal): One who espouses political beliefs that are held only by a large majority of Americans.
Fact: Information that has been posted to a RedState comment board.
Floozy: Republican wife or girlfriend
Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
Gut: Region of the body from which important decisions should be made.
Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment and gutter morality.
Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama despite the many similarities between them.
Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation techniques, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons in elementary schools and churches.
League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, an education from which automatically qualifies an individual for important political office.
Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot.
Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and perpetuated by New York Times columnist Paul Krugman.
Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear anything important.
Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
Muslims: Other brown people who have it coming.
News: News from Fox News
Obamacare: A Federally-mandated program to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
Organic: Something eaten by lesbians.
Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With or Without Representation."
Poll: A survey used to determine, within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right. Frequently flawed.
Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is thought to be guilty by 12 uninformed people who are not given all the facts.
Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse to white people.
Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on Moses.
Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous scientific system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his own personal Godless left-wing agenda.
Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
Socialism: An economic system invented by President Franklin Roosevelt.
Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue if they are lower for rich people.
Torture: A method of intensely painful, brutal interrogation not classified by the government as torture.
Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met cannot be compared.
Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of a mirror.
Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny they possess by hard work and the sweat of their brow with no government assistance.
Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, can be down.
Warming (Global): A carefully measured, anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
Yes: (no translation available)
No: Used as a substitute for yes.

Trucker Loses Brawl With 25 Million Bees

Oct 24 2011
BRIAN SKOLOFF - Associated Press

SALT LAKE CITY — Truck driver Louis Holst has never been scared of bees, but he's rethinking his next long-haul load a day after being swarmed by 25 million of the stinging insects.

Holst and his wife, Tammie, picked up 460 bee hives in South Dakota and were about 36 hours into their drive Sunday night when he hit a sharp bend in a construction zone on Interstate 15 in southern Utah. The twist in the road toppled his trailer and sent the bees into a frenzy.

"First responders came and drug me and my wife through the front window," Holst said Monday. "Then we panicked."

Swarmed by bees on the highway, Holst said he ripped off his shirt and began swatting the air. His wife ran.

"We just started swinging our clothes," he said. "They stung her all up and down her neck."

Authorities closed the southbound lanes of I-15 near St. George for several hours while area beekeepers headed to the scene to try to corral the insects. The road was reopened early Monday morning, and Holst said most of the bees were either dead or gone.

"Nobody was prepared for anything like that," he said.

At least two first responders also were stung at the scene, said Utah Highway Patrol Cpl. Todd Johnson.

Holst, 48, of Gig Harbor, Wash., said he got 10 stitches to close a gash on his forehead and was stung about a dozen times. His wife, too, suffered stings, bumps and bruises.

The 25 million bees were headed from Adee Honey Farms in Bruce, S.D., to near Bakersfield, Calif., where they stay for the winter before being used for pollination come spring, company co-owner Richard Adee said.

Assault By Frozen Armadillo

Oct. 2011

Dallas police are searching for a man who allegedly used a frozen armadillo to attack a woman who had been trying to buy the critter.

Unfrozen armadillo photo

Investigators told Fox 4 News-Dallas Fort Worth that the fight started in an apartment parking lot Sept. 29 when the suspect was selling the carcass to the alleged victim, who planned to eat it.

The pair were haggling over the price when police said the man hurled the armadillo at the 57-year-old woman twice. The woman was struck in her leg and chest, and suffered bruises, police said.

So far, investigators have been unable to track down the suspect, who they said could face assault by armadillo charges.

According to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Texas law prohibits the sale of live armadillos (the armadillo involved was frozen and thus presumably dead), but some Texans still savor the meat. Some developed a taste for armadillo during the Great Depression of the 1930s, when it was known as “Hoover Hog” and “poor man’s pork.”

However the 57-year-old woman wasn't born until 1954, two decades after the Great Depression so it is unlikely she acquired her taste for armadillo meat 20 years prior to her birth.

--Molly Hennessy-Fiske in Houston, who did not notice the apparent time disconnect.

The Darwin Awards, Only 10 Months Late

The Darwin Awards are out!! That was in January, 2011.

Left: Typical Darwin Award Winner

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. A hospital spokesman where the man was taken declared his condition critical. The bullet passing through his forehead missed his brain.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. The inspector's was not and he was fired.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.. Understandably, he shot her. At his murder trial the only issue presented to the jury was whether or not the punishment fit the crime. A panel of Chicago jurors decided it did and acquitted him.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and given to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the boy told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly delivered. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas man with a perfect DNA match for everyone living in the state wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided to throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. He lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in he head, rendering him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. Worse, the whole event was caught on videotape. The liquor store owner, another perfect DNA match for everyone in Arkansas declined to press charges and gave the man a free case of beer.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." At trial he pled guilty to assault and robbery and to gross stupidity, the latter of which the judge threw out because New York has no law forbidding gross stupidity.

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... Frustrated, he walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] Michigan also has no law forbidding gross stupidity.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he found the taste of the gasoline very odd. Police arrived at the scene to find the man curled up in a foetal position next to a motor home, retching violently. The man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He was not charged because Washington has no crime prohibiting the theft of raw sewage by mouth. Raw sewage is provided free by the city to interested parties.

In the interest of bettering mankind, share these with friends and family....unless one of these individuals is a friend or relative of yours.

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!! Most of them are Republicans.

Bull Moose Takes Late Evening Dip In Family Pool

MANCHESTER, N.H., Oct. 11 (UPI) -- A New Hampshire man said it took him and about a dozen other men 4 1/2 hours to free a young bull moose that fell through the cover of his swimming pool.

George Trapotsis of Manchester said he went out into his yard to investigate a noise about 9:15 p.m. Friday and spotted the moose, which he said likely decided to charge his fence into the pool area because he was spooked by a light turned on by Trapotsis' wife Joyce, the New Hampshire Union Leader, Manchester, reported Monday.

Trapotsis said the moose fell through the pool cover and into the water. He said he and neighbor Leo Desrochers worked quickly to untangle the animal from the cover.

"Then he was as happy as he could be swimming around in the pool," Trapotsis said.

A Manchester police officer and state Fish and Game Conservation Officer Geoff Pushee arrived and the four men soon found they could not move the moose on their own.

The police officer called a local fire station for help and before long about a dozen men were using ropes attached to the moose's antlers to steer it out of the pool.

Pushee said the moose, a 600- to 700-pound bull, was "a little stubborn" after his exodus from the water, but the men eventually coaxed it to return to the wild.

It was not immediately clear if the moose had urinated in the pool whilst swimming about.

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2011/10/11/Moose-rescued-from-pool-after-4-12-hours/UPI-10851318316400/#ixzz1b6aoPEsf

De Silvestro - Swiss Race Car Driver Goes Airborne

And she only got her hands burned?

A Swiss race car driver, Simona de Silvestro, escaped this fiery crash at an Indy race with only her hands burned. Click play to see the whole show.

How Do You Steal A 15 Ton Bridge?

Brothers charged with stealing western Pa. bridge

Oct 15 2011

Disclaimer: This may not be the actual bridge. In fact, it isn't but is similar.

NEW CASTLE, Pa. — Two brothers have been charged with stealing a western Pennsylvania bridge and selling the 15 1/2 tons of scrap metal for more than $5,000.

Police say 24-year-old Benjamin Arthur Jones and 25-year-old Alexander Williams Jones of New Castle used a blowtorch to break up the bridge in late September or early October. They face felony charges of criminal mischief, theft, receiving stolen property and conspiracy.

Authorities say Alexander Jones told a recycling company employee that he had permission to carve the bridge for scrap and showed the employee cellphone photos of the bridge. The recycling company called police.

The 50-foot-long by 20-foot-wide Covert's Crossing Bridge was in a wooded area about 60 miles north of Pittsburgh.

The brothers' phone numbers weren't listed, and it's unclear whether they have attorneys. It's also unclear whether they have brains. Stealing a bridge.....what the.....?

Little Libya (oops) USA

Oct. 15, 2011
NY, NY

In a scene that resembles Libya, Egypt, Iran, Yemen, North Korea, China and other police states, cops in New York City brutalize peaceful protesters of mega thefts by Wall Street goons as a part of Occupy Wall Street.

Frightened tycoons, concerned about the loss of their $200 million annual bonuses for fleecing average Americans with Ponzi schemes and other forms of financial hucksterism, call out the obedient police to put down the protests, which are bad for business.

Meanwhile, the Obama quasi-Repugnican administration sits idly by, with a "ho hum," as it watches Americans being trampled and roughed up in the streets by brutal cops for exercising their First Amendment rights to free speech and peaceful assembly, in protest of the financial plundering of the U.S. by the one per cent and the administration's indifference to massive, long-term unemployment.

Rash of Bizarre Sex Acts Worldwide

Oct. 14
New York, NY

"Oh my God....I think I'm...yes, yes, yes.."

The Beatles may have started it with their famous lyric, "Why don't we do it in the road?" but in a worldwide outbreak of spontaneous, planned, and "just gotta do it, right here, right now" sex, couples are taking their sex acts to the next level, some as high as 1,000s of feet in the air.

Humping over a barrel, doing it in the hotel spa, or having your sweetie ride you while you ride your horse may be odd, but one couple decided to do the nasty whilst sky diving.

In a video clip that's been making the internet rounds, the couple, with their lower parts photographically blurred, are seen doing it while plummeting through the sky.

The pair, who went up for a sky dive, apparently got carried away in the small plane and were doing it on the floor of the aircraft. When they reached their jump destination, unwilling to withdraw, they both jumped from the plane in full coitus, humping their way through the air as their chutes billowed out above.

There are no known laws regulating free falling coitus, though some Christian groups no doubt will be lobbying their favorite sex pervert legislators to put a cap on airborne sex, doing their damndest to keep sex in the dark gutters where it belongs. Nevertheless, having nothing else worthwhile to do, the FAA and several law enforcement officials have announced investigations into the lewd acts in the sky.

Meanwhile there was no word from the sky diving sex pots whether or not they achieved airborne orgasms and whether or not it was as good for her as it was for him. Stay tuned.

Building Design Flaws

Aljeciras, Spain
Oct. 13, 2011

In a major design flaw a Spanish architect and a building contractor constructed an apartment house that has a stairway to nowhere, complete with mini handrail, and an inaccessible balcony.

The building contractor blamed the mistakes on the architect. The architect insisted the contractor should have realized the stairs had nowhere to go and that there was no access to the balcony on the side of the building.

The bank that financed the project threatened to sue both for negligence and gross stupidity.

A bystander suggested a duel between the architect and the contractor.

Hello Dildo - Not So Safe, Safe Sex

April Bonjour, Northern California Woman, Sues Sex Toy Manufacturer After Horrifying Accident (In the photo April's feet are on the outside; standard missionary position.)

10/12/11 California - Where else?



After a horrific experience with a sex toy sent her to the hospital, a Northern California woman is suing a Southern California "marital aid" manufacturer for personal injury and emotional duress.

Yreka resident April Bonjour states in her suit that, late last year, she and her boyfriend were using a vibrator made by Pipedream Products when she suddenly noticed that something was wrong.

"During usage I felt a sharp pain inside my vagina," she wrote. "My boyfriend quickly removed the toy, it was covered with blood."

Bonjour initially thought she might have just started her period, but she realized something else was definitely happening when she continued to lose blood to the point where she began slipping in and out of consciousness.

"My son was woken up so we could go to the hospital," she wrote. "He thought was dying...[and] quite frankly so did I."

Once at the hospital, Bonjour's condition stabilized after she was administered several pints of blood.

After the incident, Bonjour attempted to get some compensation from Pipedreams, but the company refused and she filed suit.

Mountain Biker Taken Out By Cruisin' Antelope

Oct. 10, 2011

A mountain biker got the surprise of his life when a 300 lb. antelope in full stride came sailing out of nowhere and took him and his bike out. The 17 year-old biker was rendered temporarily unconscious by the blow and his helmet demolished, though he was not otherwise seriously injured. After spending a precautionary night in a hospital he undoubtedly will think twice before again encroaching on the antelopes' domain.

No one is sure why the buck zeroed in on the biker but it is clear he knew what he was doing. As can be seen in the video clip it was very purposeful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2oymHHyV1M&feature=player_embedded

Enraged Dad Beats Wife To Death With Flashlight

Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reasons

Facsimile of the actual murder weapon

October 7, 2011

A New Hampshire dad, Chris Smeltzer, returned home from work one day to find his wife had murdered their 4 year-old son, attempted to murder their 7 year-old daughter, who survived, and was trying to hang herself.

He grabbed the nearest weapon, a flashlight, and beat his wife to death.

Now, society must decide whether or not Chris' enraged response, admittedly wrong, requires him to spend the next 10 to 20 years of his life in prison.

What would you have done as a parent under the same or similar circumstances? Answer in the comments section below.

The Editor

Self Treating British-Italian Opthalmologist

Man Hospitalized After Ripping Own Eyes Out With Bare Hands

October 03, 2011

A man was recovering in the hospital Monday after gouging his own eyes out during Mass at a church in northwestern Italy.

Aldo Bianchini, 46, who was born in Britain but lives in Italy, tore both his eyes out with his bare hands in front of a 300-strong congregation attending the church of St. Andrea's in Viareggio, on Sunday, news agency AGI reported.

Emergency responders said Bianchini was calm and lucid when they arrived at the scene and told them a "voice told him" to rip his eyes out, according to news agency ANSA. According to an anonymous spokesman Biancini had told relatives and friends recently that he was offended by the very short shorts, skirts and midriff tops being worn by today's young women.

He was taken to the Versilia Hospital in Viareggio and his condition was described as very serious but not life threatening.

Emergency responders picked up his eyeballs from the floor of the church but they were unable to be replanted. They will be donated to a local charity according to an spokesperson unauthorized to speak for anyone.

Gino Barbacci, the doctor who treated Bianchini, said it would have taken superhuman strength for a person to gouge their own eyes out and added he had never seen anything like it in 26 years of medical practice.

Authorities said Bianchini could not be charged with any crime because it is not unlawful to assault oneself.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/10/03/man-rips-own-eyes-out-with-bare-hands/?intcmp=sem_outloud&intcmp=obnetwork#ixzz1aRiSPxHN

Dumb Crook No. x85&#%$@ Robs Bank With Knife, Goes To Nearby Pizza Shop For Pizza And Gets Busted Before Pie Is Served

Police say man robbed bank, then went for pizza

Police artist's sketch of the robber>>

Oct 08 2011

YUMA, Ariz. — Arizona authorities say they arrested a man who robbed a Yuma bank then went and spent some of the stolen money on beer and pizza at a close-by pizza parlor.

Yuma police say 56-year-old Henry Elmer has been booked into county jail on a variety of robbery and theft-related charges.

Officers responded to a robbery call at the main branch of the Wells Fargo Bank across from the Yuma Police Station around 1:30 p.m. Saturday.

A man reportedly entered the bank, produced a box-cutter knife and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash.

Police say Elmer then went to a nearby restaurant, ordered beer and a couple of slices of pizza and paid with some of the bank's money.

Police say they located Elmer before the meal was served. It's unclear whether he has a lawyer, yet, but the odds are not good.

Convicted Financial Guru Roger Scaramouch Named New Chairman of Goldman Sachs

Oct. 9, 2011
NY, NY

In a surprise weekend move that caught the financial world off guard, Goldman Sachs, the financial behemoth responsible for most of the financial meltdown and world-wide chaos in financial markets that occurred in 2008, shortly after the election of Democratic President, Barack Obama, announced a new chairman and head of financial operations for the firm. Goldman Sachs, which only survived the results of its own financial wrongdoing by accepting a bailout package paid for by U.S. taxpayers, said it had selected its new chairman with a view to projecting the image of the firm it felt represented the best of Goldman Sachs.

The new chairman, Roger Scaramouch, twice convicted for financial fraud, served 18 months in a federal country club at Hilton Head South Carolina in 2006-07 for his earlier misdeeds. He announced his principal goal as chairman was to restore the mega million dollar annual bonuses paid to hot shot traders who had creatively perfected financial instruments that were intrinsically worthless and then sold these, bundled with worthless mortgages, to unsuspecting investors, reaping billions in phony profits for the firm prior to the financial collapse.

Mr. Scaramouch, who has since undergone plastic surgery, is pictured here in a mug shot taken by the FBI prior to his financial fraud conviction. He is now said to resemble an older Roger Vadim, a French film director and former husband of Jane Fonda. Scaramouch refused to pose for photographers at the press conference announcing his new appointment.

When asked about the "Occupy Wall Street" movement currently underway in New York and other U.S. cities, Mr. Scaramouch said that while he understood the frustration of average investors who had lost their life savings, they should be jailed for blocking traffic in lower Manhattan which had cost him an additional 15 minutes to get to work. "There is only so much wheeling and dealing and financial manipulation that can be done in the back seat of a limousine," said the new chairman.

Jeez.....You Can't Even Trust Your Pizza Guy

Medical pot user ratted out by pizza delivery dude

Oct 06 2011

DENVER — A Colorado man who got a visit from police after a pizza delivery driver smelled marijuana at his home is getting free pizza from a rival restaurant.

Frederick Smith says police searched his home in Aurora after a Papa John's International Inc. driver smelled marijuana there last week. The driver reported a child was in the home at the time.

Smith told Denver TV station KUSA-TV that he's a registered medical marijuana user. Papa John's has said it stands by its employee.

One of its Denver-based rivals, Sexy Pizza, said Thursday that it would give Smith one free pizza monthly until Colorado voters decide a proposed 2012 ballot initiative that would legalize marijuana for recreational use.

Sexy Pizza says it'll extend the offer for life if voters pass the initiative.

Rugby Done Down Under

Oct. 8, 2011

Rugby is exceedingly popular in New Zealand, but it’s probably the only place in the world that has a nude team for that contact sport! The Nude Blacks of Dunedin, a humorous version of the famous All Blacks, started out as a farce, but is now a phenomenon on its own and has spawned other nude rugby teams elsewhere. Recently, they played a game against an all female team from Spain, and lost! The Spaniards did shed some clothing, but never fully undressed, in case you’re wondering!

Nude Blacks video here.here

Stealing To Purchase Porn

Minn. woman accused of robbing neighbor's home to buy porn

Oct 08 2011

This Oct. 5, 2011 photo provided by the Anoka County (Minn.) Sheriffs Office shows Amanda Rose Owens, 18, of East Bethel, Minn. Owens, is accused of robbing her neighbor's home by squeezing inside through a doggy door, to steal money she needed to help fund her addiction to pornography. (AP Photo/Anoka County)

Authorities say the 18-year-old Minnesota woman admitted to investigators that she broke into a neighbor's home three times looking for items she could fence to feed her porn addiction. She claimed her severe acne prevented her from having sex with boys or men so she had to resort to porn to satisfy her sexual needs.

The neighbor called police to report he had surveillance footage of Amanda Rose Owens sneaking into his East Bethel home through a dog door.

The St. Paul Pioneer Press reports ( http://bit.ly/oXEskf) that the neighbor set up the camera after $300 and several items were stolen.

Investigators say Owens admitted she had broken in three times. She said she needed money so she could pay for 20 to 30 pornographic DVDs she bought.

Owens was charged Wednesday with second-degree burglary. She does not have a listed phone number and it wasn't clear Saturday if she had an attorney.

Former Egyptian Model Tells Parole Board She Is Not A Monster - Board Disagrees

Omaima Nelson

Somewhere, Calif. (Where else?)

A woman who killed, dismembered and cooked her husband, then ate his body parts, told a parole board: "I am not a monster." In her defense, Nelson told the board she had cooked her husband's meat, which is what any civilized person would do.

Omaima Nelson, 43, sought parole after 20 years behind bars, but the board rejected her request and she will remain in state prison on a term of 27 years to life for second-degree murder.

The hearing did give Nelson an opportunity to discuss the gruesome crime at a Costa Mesa apartment in 1991.

She insisted that her husband, William, was trying to strangle her when she hit him with a lamp, stabbed him with scissors and killed him.
"If I didn't defend my life, I would have been dead. I'm sorry it happened, but I'm glad I lived," said the one-time model from Egypt. "I'm sorry I dismembered him. It's hard to think clearly when you have a large corpse in front of you and are trying to decide what to do with it."

She denied eating her husband, despite testimony by her psychiatrist at her trial. "I swear to God I did not eat any part of him. I am not a monster," she said.

When arrested, Ms. Nelson had a small sliver of her husband's bloody penis dangling from the corner of her mouth. She insisted she had no idea how it got there. Investigators were skeptical and so was the jury that convicted her.

Orange County prosecutors opposed her release, saying she was still a danger to society.

Montana Wrangler and Her Horse Charge Grizzly Bear to Save Young Boy - Bear Embarrassed

Wrangler Erin Bolster and Tonk, a Percheron mix.

Mr. Grizzly declined an interview.

WEST GLACIER - A young woman on a big horse charged out of the pack of grizzly bear stories this summer near Glacier National Park.

In a cloud of dust, the 25-year-old wrangler likely saved a boy's life while demonstrating that skill, quick-thinking and guts sometimes are the best weapons against a head-on charging bear.

On July 30, Erin Bolster of Swan Mountain Outfitters was guiding eight clients on a horse ride on the Flathead National Forest between West Glacier and Hungry Horse.

"It's the shortest ride we offer," she said recently, recalling the incident. "We'd already led two trips that morning. It's always been a very routine hourlong loop, until that day."

The group included a family of six plus a vacationing Illinois man, who'd booked the trip for his 8-year-old son's first horse-riding experience.

The young boy was riding Scout, a steady obedient mount, following directly behind Bolster, who was leading the group on Tonk, a burly 10-year-old white horse of questionable lineage.

Tonk isn't the typical trail mount. Best anyone knows, he's the result of cross-breeding a quarter horse with a Percheron - a draft horse. Bolster is 5-foot-10, yet she relies on her athleticism to climb into the saddle aboard Tonk.

"He was one of the horses we lease from Wyoming and bring in every year," Bolster said, noting that she'd picked him from the stable in May to be hers for the season.

"He's a very large horse - 18 hands high. That intimidates a lot of riders. But I've always loved big horses. He's kind of high-strung and spooky, the largest of our wrangling horses. I like a horse with a lot of spirit, and I was really glad to be on him that day."

Bolster has accumulated a wealth of experience on and around horses of national and even world class. She started riding at 4 years old, became a professional trainer at 15, graduated from high school at 16 in Roanoke, Va., and ran a riding academy for several years.

Seeking a more laid-back lifestyle, she wrangled in Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic before moving to Whitefish three years ago to guide tourists during the summer around Glacier National Park and ski through the winter.

"It's the country, the mountains and the idea of seeing lot of wildlife that appealed to me, ironically enough," she said.

Bolster quickly racked up bear experience, too, although until July 30, it was always at a distance.

"At the peak of the season, we were seeing bears daily," she said. "The wranglers name them so we can let each other know where they are. Usually the bears just keep feeding in the distance or they run away when we come. Just seeing them is a treat for us and our guests."

Because they guide around Glacier Park, bear awareness is part of the preparation wranglers get when hired by Swan Mountain Outfitters.

"We go over a lot of wildlife scenarios in our training," Bolster said. "We learn to watch our horses for signals of possible trouble so we can steer clear."

That's the key, she said: Avoid trouble with a moose or a bear.

"We can't use pepper spray when we're riding because that could blind the horse," she said. "And using a gun would spook the horses and probably produce more danger than safety."

***

That's how she went to work that day: a young but seasoned pro rider on a new, huge and spirited horse, unarmed in the wilderness with eight dudes.

"It was a pleasant ride until we came around a corner on the trail and my horse stopped firm and wouldn't move," Bolster said. "He never refuses to go, so that caught my attention quick."

But not fast enough to avoid the spike white-tailed deer that burst out of the brush and glanced off Tonk's left front shoulder.

As Tonk spun from the impact, Bolster saw a huge grizzly bear crashing through the forest right at the group in pursuit of the deer. Horses panicked and guests grabbed saddle horns for the ride of their lives.

"No amount of training could keep a horse from running from a 700-pound charging bear," she said.

Seven of the horses sensed the danger, peeled out and galloped back on the trail toward the barn.

But Scout bolted perpendicular to the trail into the timber, packing the 8-year-old boy.

"The deer peeled off and joined the horses sprinting down the trail," Bolster said. "So the bear just continued running right past me. I'm not sure the bear even knew the roles had changed, but now it was chasing a horse instead of a deer."

The grizzly was zeroed in on Scout and the boy - the isolated prey in the woods.

Adding to the drama, the boy's father, an experienced rider, could not convince his horse that it was a good plan to ride to his son's rescue.

"The last thing he saw over his shoulder as his horse ran away was the grizzly chasing his boy," Bolster said.

With the bear on Scout's heels, Tonk's instinct was to flee with the group of horses. But Tonk responded to Bolster's heels in his ribs as she spun the big fella around. They wheeled out of a 360 and bolted into the trees to wedge between the predator and the prey.

"The boy was bent over, feet out of the stirrups, clutching the saddle horn and the horse's neck," she said. "That kept him from hitting a tree limb.

"But all I could think about was the boy falling off in the path of that grizzly.

"I bent down, screamed and yelled, but the bear was growling and snarling and staying very focused on Scout.

"As it tried to circle back toward Scout, I realized I had to get Tonk to square off and face the bear. We had to get the bear to acknowledge us.

"We did. We got its attention - and the bear charged.

"So I charged at the bear."

Did she think twice about that?

"I had no hesitation, honestly," Bolster said. "Nothing in my body was going to let that little boy get hurt by that bear. That wasn't an option."

Tonk was on the same page.

***

With a ton of horse, boulder-size hooves and a fire-breathing blonde thundering at it, the bear came within about 10 feet before skittering off to the side.

But it quickly angled to make yet another stab at getting to Scout and the boy - who had just fallen to the ground.

"Tonk and I had to go at the bear a third time before we finally hazed him away," she said.

"The boy had landed in some beargrass and was OK. Scout was standing nearby."

Bolster gathered the boy up with her on Tonk, grabbed Scout's lead and trotted down the trail.

"The boy was in shock," she said. "I looked back and could see the bear had continued to go away through he woods, but I had another five or 10 minutes of riding before I got back with the group."

Not until she reunited with her riders - all OK and standing in various stages of confusion with their horses - did she start to shake.

"I looked at Tonk, and he was wet with sweat and shaking, too," she said.

She was especially concerned for the boy's father, who probably suffered the most terror in the ordeal.

"He was fine, and I got my biggest tip of the season," Bolster said. "My biggest hope is that the boy isn't discouraged from riding. This was a one-in-a-million event."

For the next few days, the outfitter shut down the trail rides and Bolster joined other wranglers and a federal grizzly bear expert to ride horses through the area looking for the bear.

"They tracked it for a long way and concluded that it kept going out of the area," she said. "Judging from the tracks and my description of how high the bear came up on Tonk, the grizzly expert estimated it weighed 700 to 750 pounds.

"This was a case of us being in the wrong place as a bear was already in the act of chasing its natural prey. He was probably more persistent because he was really hungry."

Bolster and the other wranglers vowed to have bear spray on their belts to make sure they can defend their guests during breaks on the ground.

"But when you're riding, the horse is your best protection, if you can stay on," she said.

"Some of the horses I've ridden would have absolutely refused to do what Tonk did; others would have thrown me off in the process. Some horses can never overcome their flight-animal instinct to run away."

In those minutes of crisis, the big lug of a mongrel mount proved his mettle in a test few trail horses will face in their careers.

Tonk's mettle moved Bolster. She wasn't about to send him back to Wyoming with the other leased horses.

"Two weeks ago, I closed the deal and bought him," Bolster said as she was wrapping up her 2011 wrangling season.

"After what he did that day, he had to be mine."

Read more: http://missoulian.com/news/state-and-regional/article_0d0e83fc-e33a-11e0-9b71-001cc4c03286.html#ixzz1ZxDL6DUq

Seven (9) Inappropriate Restaurant Names

October 1, 2011

In a rash of rushes to inappropriately name restaurants, several standouts have emerged along with two old timers. Here's the list.

1. Mother Clucker's
Iroquois, Ontario

2. A&K Lick-a-Chick
Bras d'Or, Nova Scotia (These joints are part of a chick licking chain and can be found in places like Nebraska and South Dakota. See photo.)

3. Dirty Dick's Crab House
Nag's Head, NC

4. Hooters
Everywhere.

5. Big Pecker's Bar & Grill
Ocean City, MD

6. Thai Me Up
New York, New York

7. Hung Far Low
Portland, OR

8. Big Wong's
Arlington, TX and

9. Big Wong's No. 2
Dallas, Texas