Midnight Rambler IV

Well, here we are again. Another year has come and gone and we are face to face with our own mortality, and that shit just won't go away. Willy Nelson helped put it all in perspective, at least for older men, on the occasion of his 75th birthday. Willy observed that he had outlived his own dick.

Now we all understand what Willy was referring to. He had, with the help of modern medicine, lived to the age of 75, despite a very dissolute life, but he had lost his ability to perform sexually. That's a big thing for men because so much of their ego is invested in that one, fairly small part of who they are. A man just doesn't really feel like a man when that part dies.

But how can it be that our whole body outlives certain parts but in many cases there are no replacement parts? We're working on that, with heart transplants, liver transplants, artificial joints, and an array of prosthetic devices that is astounding in its extent and quality. But for that one body part that is monumentally important for one half of the population, there has been very little progress.

Interestingly enough, that one little manly body part is of great importance to women also. It's probably the most important way they have of connecting with the other half of the population.

And just when the drug companies come along with a little pill to partially revive men's dead parts, like Viagra, then along comes a cardio vascular ailment, and the cardiologist says you need to take a blood thinner, to prevent clotting. So whoops, there goes the Viagra, which essentially works in the opposite direction of the blood thinner, along with all the other erectile dysfunction medications. So, many men actually live to be 72 or 75 or even 80 or 85, but their most cherished body part is now dead. No matter what you or your partner do, it just lies there, like a wet noodle, and does nothing for either of you except suggest suicide or murder.

Women don't have this performance problem and don't need replacement parts for their most intimate parts. About the worst thing that can happen is they have to use a lot of KY jelly or some other lubricant, but they can go on doing that until the day they die and still keep performing. On the other hand, there is just no way to fake a hard dick.

We, here at Bizarre Stuff, believe that a man's essential parts ought to last at least as long as the man. It would be one thing, if, like an automobile, a man could replace a worn out part, either with a new replacement or a rebuilt part. But when you can't get a replacement dick you are fucked, or maybe that should be not fucked.

So we strongly urge you, men and women alike, to write to your elected representatives and urge them to take strong action to find a cure for this deadly ailment. Many of our political representatives are themselves old, and are personally affected by the problem. Senator Robert Dole, a former candidate for President, made TV commercials about his own limp dick problem, with strong encouragement amd support from Elizabeth Dole, his wife. In fact, every commercial for performance enhancing drugs for men invariably shows a smiling, happy woman, strongly suggesting she is getting more sex, and is glad about it. And, women buy more Viagra than men.

For starters, we believe it would help America much more to spend about half the stimulus funds on research and development to find a quick replacement part for men's dicks. If America can spend $100 billion plus so the President can get a little payback for his dad against Saddam Hussein, surely it can spend $300 billion to get American men back in the saddle and off the battlefield.

"My country 'tis of the, sweet land of cuckoldry, of thee I sing etc. etc. etc."