Mosquitos Teach Humans How to Mate

Veri Veri Tru, Phenom Pen January 7, 2009

In a multi-year study involving billions of test subjects, housed in several large climate-controlled buildings,scientists at Cornell University have discovered certain patterns in the sex lives of mosquitos that may have huge implications for the diagnosis and treatment of human sexual disfunction. (Sexual disfunction is the seventh leading cause of divorce in Western nations), following: 1)disagreements about money; 2)credit card abuse; 3)meeting someone cuter and sexier than your current mate; 4)monopolizing toilets while text messaging; and one or two others.

The researchers at Cornell have discovered that Aedes aegypti mosquitoes _ the ones that spread diseases like yellow and dengue fever _ alter their wing vibrations in a mating signal. Males can virate their wings (legs) at 600 beats per second, females at 400 beats per second.

The good news is that the finding could lead to better ways to manage coitus in human subjects, according to Roland P. Slaw, an author of the report published Thursday in the underground edition of the journal NonScience, popularly known as Nonsense.

When asked to specify how the discovery could aid in the treatment of sexual disfunction, (the seventh leading cause of divorce in Western nations), Dr. Slaw explained that if women and men can learn to move their legs 400 to 600 times per second during intercourse, sexual disfunction, (the seventh leading cause of divorce in Western nations), could be reduced by more than 7% in two generations, at a cost less than it would take to eliminate starvation in the world.

Meanwhile,outside the office of the Dean of Science, a group of insects rights activists were preparing to hold an all-night, candlelight, prayer vigil, to stop the wanton destruction of one of nature's most common and endearing insects, the pesky little mosquito, the one that buzzes your ears and won't land. "Billions of mosquitos are being held against their will, in unsanitary conditions, many without a taste of blood for days, so some college preppy can get it on with his lay lady lay," said an insects rights spokesperson, on condition of insomnia.