Monday, March 9, 2009

Grinning Genghis Faces Trial, Possible Deportation

Tokyo March 9, 2009

A Japanese career criminal, commonly known as Grinning Genghis (editor's note: we are aware of the mis-identification of this suspect, who is Japanese, with Genghis Khan, who was Mongolian, but we are not responsible for the nick name.) was arrested on charges of impersonating Genghis Khan, a well-known Mongolian leader responsible for dreadful amounts of slaughter, pillage, and general mayhem in Eastern Europe during the middle ages, or a long time ago, whichever came first.

Genghis, as he was called by relatives and friends, committed, or caused to be committed by his men, atrocious crimes, including but not limited to knocking over the equivalent of penny gum-ball machines and snatching the head scarves of Muslim women. The latter crime was considered so heinous that any Mongol caught swiping a scarf from a Muslim girl could be deprived of his daily ration of 3 liters of suke, the Mongol equivalent of Japanese sake, for as long as two days. Justice, under the Turkish regime was swift and severe.

Grinning Genghis became a copycat criminal, patterning his life after that of the actual Genghis, except specializing in raiding Sushi bars in Japanese cities, where he would force all patrons to eat weenies and beans and then spend the night together in a crowded, locked room with limited ventilation.

Many of his victims suffered acute and long-term mental distress and others became addicted to the odor of passed gas. If convicted, Grinning Genghis faces possible life imprisonment with gangs of homocidal ninjas, or deportation to Northern Michigan. Genghis' attorney was reportedly negotiating a plea bargain that would send Genghis to Southern France instead of Northern Michigan, because he had demonstrated remorse by delivering hundreds of head scarfs to the Turkish attache in Tokyo for distribution to young Muslim women without scarves and because of the advanced reconstructive dental care available there.

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