Colombians
One man’s attempt to keep job?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Here's a short lesson in effective things you can do to help prevent being laid off.
1) Be a model worker. Don’t surf the Internet, hang around the coffee machine, leave early, etc.
2) Take on extra responsibilities and learn new skills; make yourself indispensable.
3) Offer constructive suggestions for cutting costs in other ways.
4) Have your boss killed!
Of course the most effective, sure fire technique is No. 4. The boss can't fire you if he's busy pushing up daisies. And that was the technique picked by a worker who learned his job was on the chopping block. Then he was arrested after the police suspected he hired contract killers to murder his boss in a desperate bid to avoid being laid off. Trouble is, the killers got caught.
It seems the suspect, through his sister, contracted a team of six Colombians who planned and carried out the killing of the boss, who had planned to lay off the arrested man as part of a restructuring project. The Colombians only had experience killing drug dealers. So they waited for the boss to leave work and gunned him down in the parking lot, in front of about 150 witnesses.
What can you, as an employer, do to protect yourself from something like this?
Well, before you make your downsizing plans you may want to ask all your employees if they know any hitmen. Make it sound real casual but make note of the names. You also might want to find a better euphemism than “restructuring project,” which doesn’t fool anybody these days.
Although somewhat cynical, you might designate one of your subordinates as the individual charged with making layoff decisions, and circulate this information to all employees by placing a note in their paycheck envelopes.
Staying at home is probably not a good option because you might return to find you had been laid off.
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