Thursday, August 26, 2010

Does Rachel Uchitel Have Tiger Woods by the Tail or Any Other Parts of His Anatomy?

Will Tiger and Rachel Reunite?

Disclaimer: This story is lifted almost entirely from other sources. It's like it's news all over the media so it is common knowledge. Plus, it has been completely re-written by the editors of BizarreStuff, to conform to our typically loose standards.

Aug 25 2010

Newly divorced Tiger Woods's main mistress, Rachel Uchitel, (left) reportedly wants the Tiger back in her tank. (Remember the old Exxon slogan, "Put a Tiger in Your Tank?") Despite making millions from the publicity of the international scandal, the former nightclub manager wants even more, of Woods and his fortune. She is not shy when it comes to discussing his main assets valuable to a girl, his personal endowment. Tiger's personal statistics have never been reported publicly but the rumor mills rank him near the top, excluding male porn stars.

The history of celebrity affairs is mixed. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have made it work for 30 years. Angelina Jolie and Brad "What's His Face" have made a go of it, although there have been recent rumors. The woman is hot, hot, hot and Brad is frequently gone, gone, gone. What would you do?

On Tuesday, TMZ (whatever that is) reported that Rachel Uchitel, the first lady of Woods's many mistresses, still has feelings for the golfer (and can still feel him) would "give up everything" to be with him again. That's not likely as "everything" would include a reported $10 million paid out in hush money to the chatty former nightclub manager, who also has been linked with TV actor David Boreanaz, to keep her mouth shut. But even then, it may not be enough. She is used merchandise now, on Tiger's scoring card. Who wants to play the British Open over and over and over?

Gallery: Affairs With Happyish Endings

There haven't been too many happy endings to high-profile affairs. John Edwards hasn't made it work with Rielle Hunter. Jim McGreevey and Golan Cipel couldn't get it together.

Among the few that do work out, most don't work too well-or for too long. Steve McQueen left his wife for his mistress Ali MacGraw, then left MacGraw for his new mistress, Barbara Minty. Donald Trump and Marla Maples made it six long years, something of a record in celebrityville. Billy Crudup (who has an unfortunate name) left Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes, who then swiftly dumped him for Hugh Dancy, who caught her fancy. Mel Gibson ditched his wife of 30 years for Oksana Grigorieva, and look how well that turned out. But still, consider his options.

There are a few examples of forbidden loves that have endured, sort of: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for now. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles but no one else wanted either of them. Newt Gingrich and his mistress and now third-wife, Callista Bisek, whose surname suspiciously resembles bisexual, which is fairly common these days and we aren't making any judgments, other than to report that Gingrich is a low-life and deserves nothing but total disrespect.

"I hope he remembers it was real," Uchitel allegedly said, apparently referring to the sex, surely not the conversation, according to a friend in touch with TMZ. But who knows? The friend could be a liar or another Tiger wanna be mistress.

The person getting lost in all this publicity about Tiger is Elin Nordgren, the recent $900 million dollar drop-dead gorgeous divorcee. She is still hot, hot, hot in her own right, as a former Swedish model, and will be needing a personal body guard by her side at all times, to keep all her suitors at bay.

Oh well, that's life in the fast lane, where those of us who don't own a Lamborghini seldom venture. Which is really unfair because I know I deserve one.


  1. Tiger isn't going to go back to that. He knows there are Plenty of Fish out there. Why would he go backwards to someone he had to pay off, when he can go forwards to something new, exciting and with more class? Besides, as you stated, she was just one of many mistresses, he didn't/doesn't love her!

    Mistresses are disposable.

  2. Good point, elle. Tiger could probably score a dozen hot chicks in any town he wants to. His reputation precedes him now and the broads are lining up for a chance to get him between the silkies for some deep stabbing. Uchitelle is yesterday's lunch meat.