Tuesday January 18, 2011
U.S. authorities issued a recall for a brand of Pakistani-made confectionery called Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars. Obsessed with truth in advertising it turns out the sweets actually are toxic. Tests showed that the cherry flavoring in the bars contained very high quantities of lead.
It is suspected the candy was manufactured by a Pakistani company owned by al Qaeda and was intended as a low key, stealth terrorist attack. Homeland Security and the F.B.I. took over the investigation from the F.D.A., when it learned of the possible terrorist connection. An additional $3 billion was added to the Homeland Security and FBI budgets to continue the investigation. A part of this new spending will be recovered (an estimated $850)and the toxic candy will not go to waste. The withdrawn sweets will be donated to the federal Bureau of Prisons and state prison systems in states with the death penalty. It will be served as dessert for prisoners on death row. Several civil rights groups denounced the move and planned to sue prison authorities pursuant to the 8th Amendment, which prohibits the use of cruel and unusual punishment. Several death row inmates interviewed for this story applauded the move, indicating they would prefer to die a natural death from toxic poisoning than be subjected to the circus atmosphere of death by lethal injection.
Proponents of the use of the candy for prisoners on death row defended the candy as providing a taste treat from standard prison fare and pointed to the cost savings obtained by minimizing the amount of time the inmates had left to live, thus cutting inmate maintenance costs. The toxic candy's manufacturer also lauded the use of the candy to feed prisoners and offered to increase the toxicity levels to obtain even greater cost savings. They pointed out that by having death row inmates die before their scheduled executions,the purchase of expensive chemicals used to kill the inmates could be eliminated and electricity bills cut in those states still employing the electric chair.
Congressional Representatives from 3 states announced plans to introduce a bill requiring that Guantanamo detainees also be fed the toxic waste bars for dessert. This also was denounced by civil rights groups who pointed out the detainees have never received trials and remain unconvicted of any crime. A DOJ spokeswoman, who requested bulemia because she was unauthorized to comment, said, "So what?"