Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Could It Be All the Detonators Are in Place or Was He Just Sick of Enchiladas?

By Osvaldo Barranquilla, Associated Press Hack

MEXICO CITY — It Ain't Easy Being Easy, or Ugly

A Japanese man who had been living in Terminal 1 of the Benito Juarez International Airport since Sept. 2 — for no apparent reason — left under equally mysterious circumstances.

Authorities searched the terminal for Hiroshi Nohara on Monday but he couldn't be found at his usual haunts, the baggage claim area and the food court, according to an airport official who was not allowed to be quoted by name, under penalty of death by firing squad. An enterprising news runner unearthed the cause of the extraordinary secrecy when it was determined from public records that the employee's full name is Mohammad al Queda Osama bin Laden Saddam Hussein al Marri Jimenez, known by his co-workers as Al.

A Mexico City newspaper ran shadowy, blurred photos of the scruffy Jap getting into a cab Sunday at the airport.

Nohara's three-month residency at the airport made him a local celebrity or a pariah, depending on who you asked, who was compared to a character portrayed by Tom Hanks in a lousy 2004 movie, whose title should be forgotten. But Tom Hanks is a professional actor and Nohara is only a scruffy Jap.

But there was another major distinction: Hanks was forced to stay at a New York City airport after war broke out in his Eastern European country and U.S. officials wouldn't let him in the U.S. or deport him, until he started to hit on female flight attendants who missed their flights because of a tryst with the actor in some dark corner of the airport. The Department of State offered to provide a permanent hooker for the airport sleazebag if he would leave the flight attendants alone, but he refused, claiming diplomatic impunity. The scruffy Jap never hit on any Mexican flight attendants. In hindsight, that's pretty easy to understand.

Also, by way of contrast, the scruffy Jap had a tourist visa that allows him to stay in Mexico — anywhere in Mexico, not just the airport — until early March. He also possessed a ticket home, on Jap Airlines.

The middle-aged scruffy looking Jap, whose age was unknown, spoke little Spanish and never did explain his motives for staying when asked by an interpreter hired by the television stations that documented his daily activities and tourists who asked for his autograph and posed with him for pictures.

It was reported that the scruffy Jap left Sunday with a gorgeous Mexican woman who had visited him at least twice at the airport where the pair was caught once trying to have sex on a baggage carousel. But no one is sure who she is.

The Japanese Embassy was closed Monday, and no one could be reached to ask if they had news of Nohara's whereabouts. In the past, the Japanese ambassador to Mexico has disassociated himself from the man he desribes as "just another scruffy Jap who doesn't want to work in virtual slavery for a fat, rich Jap."

When Jimenez, the airport employee's, full name was publicly disclosed, he immediately left his wife and fourteen children, to seek political asylum in the Embassy of Uzbekistan or Madagascar, whichever would take him. Citing concern for the safety of his wife and 14 children, 9 under the age of 4, Jimenez said it was a difficult decision to make but he thought it would be best for everyone if he left Mexico and got a vasectomy. When contacted for comment, Jimenez's common law wife had nothing to say because she is a quadraplegic deaf mute.

In explaining his own actions, Jimenez pointed out that the mother of his children was already a quadraplegic deaf mute when he met her so she was someone else's responsibility. When questioned about his children, Jimenez explained that it wasn't his fault that his wife had no arms or legs, which made it very easy to have sex with her because you could just roll her around like a beanbag, which led to the children, which got back to why she was responsible for the multiple pregnancies and needed to get a job. "She'd make some pimp a damn good hooker. Low maintenance," said Jimenez.

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