Friday, December 26, 2008

U.S. Poised to Become World's Leading Exporter of Fuel

December 26, 2008 4:05 PM

In an astonishing break-thru, authorities today announced that not only can America's dependence on imported oil be eliminated but the U.S. can become the world's leading exporter of energy while simultaneously improving the health of millions of Americans. Christian Evangelicals immediately expressed concerns about bio-ethical issues in the use of human body parts to fuel cars, trucks airliners, backyard barbecues or death dealing rockets. But the vast majority of world leaders, with the exception of Kim Jong II who is negotiating to buy or lease almost one-half of Madagascar to do something dangeous to everyone else, welcomed the new technology as the ideal way to reduce American influence, reduce Americans and ease tensions in the growing rift between the "obese" world and the "skin and bones" world. A Hollywood sci-fi film maker was quoted as saying: "This is the biggest thing since soylent green. Can you imagine 100s of millions of starving people lining up to get their share of fat Americans?"

In loosely regulated international markets it is inevitable that some fat Americans will be diverted to alternate uses and could even be resold to the same individuals from whom the fat was harvested originally. A leading Egyptian anthropologist raised the specter of possible self-cannibalization as an overweight American dining in an upscale restaurant in Addis Ababa could literally be eating part of his former self.

Not everyone was equally enthused, however. A group of U.S. Marines, interviewed on shore leave in Tel Aviv, expressed concern that in the near term they could be eating some of their fellow troops. "That really sucks," said one American marine, "now they are gonna expect me to eat the ass of my tail gunner?"

Plastic Surgeon Fuels Cars with Human Flab

Posted by Joshua Holland, AlterNet at 1:05 AM on December 26, 2008.

Until his clinic was raided by health authorities and he skeedaddled to Latin america.

OK, this is just bizarre:

A leading Beverly Hills plastic surgeon claims to have found an environmentally friendly way to combine two of America's great obsessions – after converting his 4x4 to run on fat removed from clients during liposuction operations.

Dr Bittner made his claim in a posting on the internet site, adding that he has performed roughly 7,000 liposuction operations, and that a gallon of human fat will produce roughly the same quantity of biofuel.

Alan Bittner, who founded a high-profile clinic on Rodeo Drive, the Bond Street of Los Angeles, claims to be able to power both his Ford Explorer and his girlfriend's Lincoln Navigator on biofuel converted from excess flesh from human tums, bums and thighs. "The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel – and I have more fat than I can use," he says. "Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly, but they get to take part in saving the Earth."

Scientists say there is no reason why human fat cannot be turned into biofuel, since it contains triglycerides which are no different from those found in waste animal fats that are already being used for the same purpose. However the discovery left medical regulators unimpressed. Using human medical waste to power vehicles (or indeed for any other commercial purpose) is largely illegal, and Dr Bittner's clinic has been raided by California Health Department officials. The magazine Forbes says that Dr Bittner's ability to create what he calls "lipodiesel" first came to light in lawsuits filed by several former patients, who recently accused him of allowing his girlfriend and assistant, who were both unlicensed, to carry out intricate operations.

Can't make shit like this up.

(Editor's comment: I can.)

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