En Vitro Woman Has Big Plans, Bigger Vagina

(Sample of other children not belonging to Ms. Suleman.)

February 4, 2009 AP Placenta City, CA

In a follow-up to a recent news story about a California mom, Nadya Suleman, who has had 14 children by the same donor, who she describes as a friend, using en vitro fertilization, the last 8 all at the same time, Ms. Suleman revealed the purpose behind her seemingly deranged behavior. She told a reporter from the Placenta News-Gossip that she hopes to jump start a career in television or talk radio offering advice, counseling, and free sperm to other women who are child obsessed but unable to land a man willing to have children by en vitro instead of conventional copulation. "Conventional sex is so hit or miss and a woman is almost never able to conceive octuplets by simply having sex," according to Ms. Suleman. "All women need from men is the sperm. I expect to get at least $2 million for the rights to our story. I've retained a publicist. I really thought Gerber and Pampers would be all over this but they haven't offered me a dime."

"It's best to just side-step the whole man question from the outset. It eliminates all issues of custody, sharing of royalties, out of state travel, even moving to another country when there is no dad to have to approve of anything. You get to be both mom and dad and it helps to increase the wear life of the children's shoes when they don't have to run back and forth from one parent to the other, only to hear, 'Go ask your mom, or go ask your dad,' which also can lead to bi-polarism, a disease that prevents the child from distinguishing between the North and South Poles in later life," she explained.

Asked how she planned to care for 14 children the woman said her own mom and dad would care for them, in her home. The woman's parents, who bought her a home in which to raise the six original children, recently had to move in with their daughter because they lost their own home in foreclosure proceedings when they were forced to file for bankruptcy after purchasing their daughter's home for her. The father now must to return to Iraq, to work as a truck driver, to earn money to support his daughter's growing family.

The woman's mother said the only way she knew to describe her daughter was, "just plain nuts." The woman's father said he couldn't understand why his daughter didn't have the kids in the normal way because she was missing out on a lot of fun by foregoing the opportunity to have sex with dozens of men, to produce 8 kids. He also noted that the men his daughter did not have sex with were deprived of a lot of fun, too. "It's a social waste," he opined, "and for what reasonable purpose? If I've told my daughter once, I've told her a dozen times, 'Go out there in the streets and have fun making these babies, and make a lot of good men sleep better.'"