Palestine Herald-Press
Smith County, Texas, officials make toilet paper drive a fun event.
Published - Feb 27 2009 04:25PM CST
In an effort to help out families during hard economic times, a group of half-baked public officials decided to dole out rolls of toilet paper to local families. Three portable toilets were borrowed from a chemical toilet supplier and located at strategic points thoughout the city, to store the rolls of toilet paper.
The kicker to the plan is that each requesting family can only obtain one (1) roll of toilet paper per month, regardless of family size.
For a typical family of five, one roll of toilet paper, with 400 sheets per roll, would provide 80 sheets per month for each individual, or, 2.66 sheets per day. The average number of sheets of toilet paper used per person daily in the U.S. is 57, in Cambodia, 0. (Source: Toilet Paper World)
To insure no family takes more than its alloted monthly roll, surveillance cameras, formerly used by local police to watch for local terrorists, are being installed to monitor the port-a-potties 24/7. A hastily approved local ordinance provides for probation for first offenders, with fines up to $250 and no toilet paper for 3 months for repeat offenders.
A representative of the American Civil Liberties Union said the no toilet paper for 3months penalty amounted to cruel and unusual punishment, pursuant to the 8th Amendment to the Constitution, and that the organization would be carefully monitoring the situation for abuses. "Access to toilet paper is a fundamental right under the Constitution,' said the ACLU representative, on condition of anonymity because she was not authorized to speak for the organization.
A local proctologist and a gynocologist, speaking on condition of ridiculousness, predicted a major increase in yeast infections among women and raw behinds for both sexes. The proctologist predicted a sharp increase in sales of petroleum jelly, while the gynocologist foresaw increased use of antibiotics to fight yeast infections. Both medical professionals called the one-roll-per-family-per-month limitation "absurd," while the proctologist called the policy "a product of dimwitted people unable to tie their own shoe laces."
This is ridiculous. All these people will be walking around with shit on their hands and raw assholes. You can't wipe with 2.66 sheets. And, where are the wet wipes, to finish up?
ReplyDeleteIf these people live in East Texas they must already have experience with the use of corn cobs. These work pretty well when out of toilet paper.
ReplyDelete