Saturday, February 28, 2009
In Dramatic Gesture, Obama Asserts Presidential Power
Feb. 28, 2009 Washington, D.C.
In a truly bizarre statement, the likes of which has not been heard in the nation's capital in more than half a century, President Barack Obama rocked America today with a shocking announcement.
Obama publicly told Washington's most powerful lobbies: "Bring It On"
Charles Badbegone, The Associated Press
President Barack Obama challenged the nation's vested interests to a legislative duel Saturday, saying he will fight to change health care, energy and education in dramatic ways that will upset the status quo. 'The system we have now might work for the powerful and well-connected interests that have run Washington for far too long,' Obama said in his weekly radio and video address. 'But I don't. I work for the American people.'
There were immediate howls of protest from some of the nation's most powerful lobbyists, who insisted, "He can't get away with this. We have ruled this government for the last 50 years and we are not going to stop now. The hell with the American people; this country belongs to us and we will run it any damned way we choose. The audacity of the President is unparalled in the modern history of the U.S. Who does he think he is? Just because he was elected by the American people and because the U.S. Constitution specifies him as the country's leader and the most powerful man in the nation, doesn't mean he can actually behave as if that were true," said the President of the National Lobbyists of America: The Real Government of the U.S., Leonard Duckwater. "We run this country and he had damned well better get used to it quickly."
Other powerful leaders, in and out of government, such as Robert Botard, CEO of National Pianos, were quick to agree and indicated that the President would step to a different tune when the nation's real power brokers took off the gloves and came out swinging.
"This young upstart President will come to us on his knees, begging us
to continue to run the country, in our own interests, just as we always have," according to Botard.
President Obama acted quickly to squelch such talk by ordering the arrest and indefinite detention and torture of both Botard and Duckwater at the now half empty U.S. facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. By sundown both men were being served their daily ration of hog swill in a dirty bucket and foul tasting water from an abandoned well that was once used to dump sulphuric acid.
At a hsstily assembled press conference the new President described his actions and their necessity to reporters and called on the American people for their support. Within an hour, the President had received 212 million telegrams, faxes and emails expressing total support for his actions and suggesting the names of 12,340 additional CEOs, CFOs, and corporate lobbyists as candidates to join Botard and Duckwater at Guantanamo.