Monday, February 16, 2009

Hey, Joe. What the hell did you do with the van? We gotta get out of here, now, before the cops come. You did what? Holy shit.

The Crack(er) Sheriff

Wash. Burglary victim drives off in thieves' van

Published - Feb 14 2009

A man in Washington state made sure a pair of burglars didn't get away with his three flat-screen televisions _ he moved their getaway car.

Patrick Rosario was in the basement of his Bellevue home on Tuesday when he heard the burglars upstairs.

The Seattle Times says the 32-year-old Rosario, who had been laid off from his job as a Washington Mutual manager, called 911 while he sneaked out of the house.

He saw a white van sitting in front of his house with the motor running and the keys in the ignition, and he got in and drove it to a friend's house.

The sheriff said the burglars left the televisions, a laptop computer and a jewelry box by the door and took off on foot.

He said he didn't know why the perps didn't simply call a cab. They could have taken all but the largest of the TVs in the taxi and the owner could have reported his van stolen. "You don't get the same quality of burglars these days." said the sheriff. "They don't know how to make adjustments in mid-crime when something unexpected comes up. They panic and flee. Coupled with the economic downturn, the fences and pawn shops are hurting. I hope they can get some help from the bail out money."

The sheriff's office said no arrests had been made and it had no idea where to look until the owner of the van could be identified. "If the van was already stolen, the real owner probably has an alibi and then we'ed be back to square one. The guy's got all his stuff back so it's probably a waste of time and ought to be deep-sixed," said the sheriff, a former Alabama cracker. "I don't have the manpower or the resources to pursue victimless crimes. This way I won't even have to report it to the state crime statistics department and it makes it appear we're doing a better job of policing. I could even get a raise out of this. I'm a shoo-in for reelection. But I sure would have liked to keep that van for myself. It just looks more police-like than my present squad car, which I brought here from Alabama. Their ad said, 'Sheriff wanted. Must provide own transportation.'"


1 comment:

  1. Did this yo yo cracker actually provide his own squad car? I can see it all now. Cracker: "Hey you, pull over to the curb. You just ran over a kid without stopping." Driver: "Blow it out your ass you fucking hillbilly prick." Cracker, withdrawing a Magnum .757 from its holster, "Son, this is a serious matter. Park the car and keep your mouth shut." Driver: "You shut my mouth, you substitute house painter posing as a cop with a paint gun." BLAM, SPLAT! Sound of Magnum .357 being discharged, followed by sound of the Driver's brain matter hitting the window on the passenger side of his vehicle. End of conversation.