Ex-President Lands New Job in Dallas

(AP)2/22/2009

Former President George W. Bush went for an interview at a Dallas hardware store that earlier this month made him an offer to work as a greeter. The ex-President, who accepted the offer, admits the job will be a step down from his last position but said there is just no demand for a former President who failed miserably in running a nation. "Here, I can just stand around and smile, which is what I do best. I can still live very comfortably from the very generous pension I get paid by the American people who I plunged into massive debt with reckless tax cuts for my friends, but they all still like me. Unlike regular unemployment benefits, which only continue for 6 weeks or so, my benefits are for life," said the failed leader, who recently was ranked as the sixth worst President in American history, number 36 after the top ranked Lincoln.

"And I never was required to be a part of the Social Security program, which is why I was so eager to turn it over to the Wall Street guys. They could have invested all those private accounts in high interest bearing, worthless, sub-prime mortgage bundles and saved Lehman Bros. from bankruptcy and preserved the pensions and bonuses of its top executives. The American people never got to hear that side of the SS story so they missed out on those great investment opportunities and have been forced to settle for a guaranteed lifetime pension and lifetime health benefits instead of the total loss of their 401k's and a chance to mingle with all of those financial wizards in the bankruptcy court. It's all about meeting the right people and making connections."

When asked about his poor showing in the views of 65 prominent American historians, the ex-President said he thinks it takes time for the cream to rise to the top and that he's confident he'll be among the top 36 ex-Presidents within 50 years. "The deader you get the better your ranking," said the President as he tried to get into the wrong car and set off its alarm system, which scared the bejessuz out of the Secret Service guys who arrested 220 innocent people on the spot, as a security measure. The ex-President wanted to designate them all enemy combatants. When informed by one of his advisors that as a former President he no longer had such authority, the ex-President said, "Oh, darn. That was one of my favorite parts of the job."

The really, really ex-President said he plans to ride his new Moped to work two days a week if it's not cold, or raining and would have taken his beloved pet dog with him, except he was forgotten at Camp David and grabbed by the Obama girls before he could get in touch with Dick Cheney, who was given the use of Camp David for a birtday party for one of his daughter's friends.