In Dramatic Gesture, Obama Asserts Presidential Power

Feb. 28, 2009 Washington, D.C.

In a truly bizarre statement, the likes of which has not been heard in the nation's capital in more than half a century, President Barack Obama rocked America today with a shocking announcement.

Obama publicly told Washington's most powerful lobbies: "Bring It On"

Charles Badbegone, The Associated Press

President Barack Obama challenged the nation's vested interests to a legislative duel Saturday, saying he will fight to change health care, energy and education in dramatic ways that will upset the status quo. 'The system we have now might work for the powerful and well-connected interests that have run Washington for far too long,' Obama said in his weekly radio and video address. 'But I don't. I work for the American people.'

There were immediate howls of protest from some of the nation's most powerful lobbyists, who insisted, "He can't get away with this. We have ruled this government for the last 50 years and we are not going to stop now. The hell with the American people; this country belongs to us and we will run it any damned way we choose. The audacity of the President is unparalled in the modern history of the U.S. Who does he think he is? Just because he was elected by the American people and because the U.S. Constitution specifies him as the country's leader and the most powerful man in the nation, doesn't mean he can actually behave as if that were true," said the President of the National Lobbyists of America: The Real Government of the U.S., Leonard Duckwater. "We run this country and he had damned well better get used to it quickly."

Other powerful leaders, in and out of government, such as Robert Botard, CEO of National Pianos, were quick to agree and indicated that the President would step to a different tune when the nation's real power brokers took off the gloves and came out swinging.

"This young upstart President will come to us on his knees, begging us
to continue to run the country, in our own interests, just as we always have," according to Botard.

President Obama acted quickly to squelch such talk by ordering the arrest and indefinite detention and torture of both Botard and Duckwater at the now half empty U.S. facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. By sundown both men were being served their daily ration of hog swill in a dirty bucket and foul tasting water from an abandoned well that was once used to dump sulphuric acid.

At a hsstily assembled press conference the new President described his actions and their necessity to reporters and called on the American people for their support. Within an hour, the President had received 212 million telegrams, faxes and emails expressing total support for his actions and suggesting the names of 12,340 additional CEOs, CFOs, and corporate lobbyists as candidates to join Botard and Duckwater at Guantanamo.

http://www.truthout.org/022809Y

What Else Can You Do With a Used Placenta?

Ordinary Placenta.


Illinois mystery: Placentas found in sewage system

Published - Feb 26 2009

By C.D.SOPONSON - Associated Press Hack



Someone is disposing of placentas in a central Illinois sewage system and authorities want it to stop. Workers in Urbana on Thursday found a placenta in a filter that keeps large objects out of the sewage treatment plant _ the third such find this year. So police have enlisted medical experts. "It was one of the weirdest calls I've ever received," said J. Purdy, who heads the Champaign-Urbana Public Health District.

Urbana Police Lt. Blank Space remembered: "She said, 'You found a WHAT in the WHERE?'"

The unprecedented finds have officials wondering if a midwife or veterinarian, stressed by economic woes, has been avoiding the expense of paying for a medical waste disposal service.

Police aren't aiming for an arrest, Space said, and nobody suspects foul play. The umbilical cords, still attached, were cut clean.

Placentas are potentially infectious, although health officials said the risk to the public is low. They just want the dumping to stop and hope publicity will achieve that. They are keen on solving the "great placenta mystery," as it has been dubbed by a number of brain dead people.

Storm sewers and toilets drain to the system, so those seem to be the likeliest routes, Purdy said, "but I don't think my personal toilet at home would be able to flush a placenta. Maybe I'm wrong and should try one out."

Champaign County Coroner L.J. Badweed, Jr., said the placentas could be from home births, but he's not ruling out hospitals. "He should not rule out back alleys either," said a spokesman for Midnight Body Parts, Inc., which specializes in the harvesting of difficult to obtain body parts, such as kidneys, to be sold on the black market. "There is not much demand for placentas," said a company spokesman. "You can pick those up for a song at any waste treatment plant."

"We don't believe these placentas were specimens kept for research or testing," Badweed said. "They appear to be fairly fresh, so to speak."

A state police lab detected human DNA in the first placenta tested, Badweed said. But since the sewage system is full of human DNA, he's waiting for results of more tests his pathologists are conducting on the two others found.

The placenta is an organ that joins mother and fetus and is expelled during birth. Officials don't believe there have been any deaths, the coroner said, and it's likely the babies are healthy.

State regulations allow parents to keep their baby's placenta, said state Environmental Protection Agency spokeswoman Melinda Carbona. Some parents may want them for a post-birth ritual, she said. Another, not too common practice, but practiced by some nut case parents, is to keep the placenta and give it to the child when she or he is old enough to appreciate it. It certainly would be a show-stopper for "show and tell" at school. The placentas may be dried and kept on a bookshelf, used as a paper weight, or given to the family dog as a chew toy.

"But it is never acceptable to put placenta into the sewer system," Carbona said. "Never."

Carbona, and no one else at the EPA could provide a real good explanation why placentas should not be flushed. Most OB-GYN's suggest to women who have a fetus that dies, that they flush the fetus and any accompanying afterbirth down their toilets. These placenta appear to be receiving special treatment, which raises a Fourteenth Admendment issue of equal protection for all placenta. Should certain placenta be denied access to the public sewer system while others are encouraged to take that route. "It just isn't fair," said someone with no involvement and no familiarity with the facts.

A placental rights expert, and part-time instructor at the Bethaney Junior Baptist Sunday School Training Center in Central Arkansas, said this is one of those issues which ultimately will have to be decided by the Supreme Court. "As constitutional rights are extended to fertilized eggs, to hearts, kidneys and other body organs, it is only logical that placenta should be considered, too," said the expert, speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of being being flushed down a public sewer system herself. "Emotions run high when it comes to the disposal of afterbirth," she remarked. "There are groups out there who believe placentas should have the same rights as the fetus because they serve as the principal nurturing system for the unborn child until gestation; then they are just flushed down the toilet, like urine or feces. They probably are more important to the unborn fetus than the mother, who is never flushed down a toilet." said the expert.

Wrong Number Caller Tips Off Cops to Cell Phone Location

Ouch! That's too tight.



Would be voyeur hides cell phone in rectum.

June 24, 2008

A Cincinnati man was allegedly trying to snap phonecam pics of nude women in a tanning salon. Police were called but the man denied the charges and told officers he did not own a cell phone. Just then, a phone began to ring which appeared to emanate from the man's body. Officers then found his cell phone in his butt.

The Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report failed to identify the officer who secured and preserved the evidence.

Police were unsure if they could charge the man for shoving his cell phone up his ass. Ohio has no statute governing where an individual may carry a cell phone. It's a matter of personal preference.

While being booked at the police station, the man asked to use his cell phone to call his attorney. He was provided another phone. He was subsequently released on bail but his cell phone was retained as evidence.

One Sqare of Toilet Paper Per Visit to the Toilet?

Palestine Herald-Press
Smith County, Texas, officials make toilet paper drive a fun event.

Published - Feb 27 2009 04:25PM CST

In an effort to help out families during hard economic times, a group of half-baked public officials decided to dole out rolls of toilet paper to local families. Three portable toilets were borrowed from a chemical toilet supplier and located at strategic points thoughout the city, to store the rolls of toilet paper.

The kicker to the plan is that each requesting family can only obtain one (1) roll of toilet paper per month, regardless of family size.

For a typical family of five, one roll of toilet paper, with 400 sheets per roll, would provide 80 sheets per month for each individual, or, 2.66 sheets per day. The average number of sheets of toilet paper used per person daily in the U.S. is 57, in Cambodia, 0. (Source: Toilet Paper World)

To insure no family takes more than its alloted monthly roll, surveillance cameras, formerly used by local police to watch for local terrorists, are being installed to monitor the port-a-potties 24/7. A hastily approved local ordinance provides for probation for first offenders, with fines up to $250 and no toilet paper for 3 months for repeat offenders.

A representative of the American Civil Liberties Union said the no toilet paper for 3months penalty amounted to cruel and unusual punishment, pursuant to the 8th Amendment to the Constitution, and that the organization would be carefully monitoring the situation for abuses. "Access to toilet paper is a fundamental right under the Constitution,' said the ACLU representative, on condition of anonymity because she was not authorized to speak for the organization.

A local proctologist and a gynocologist, speaking on condition of ridiculousness, predicted a major increase in yeast infections among women and raw behinds for both sexes. The proctologist predicted a sharp increase in sales of petroleum jelly, while the gynocologist foresaw increased use of antibiotics to fight yeast infections. Both medical professionals called the one-roll-per-family-per-month limitation "absurd," while the proctologist called the policy "a product of dimwitted people unable to tie their own shoe laces."

Test Message for Charles and Butch

As the enemy troops advanced under cover of a dense fog, the corporal whispered to his main gunner a single word, ONE. Then they went off to look for a couple of cold beers. Anonymous

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Woman Says She Just Wanted Her Hubby To Get In Shape

Photo of husband going under for last time.


Ohio woman pleads guilty in over-exercising death

Feb. 14, 2009 09:58 AM
Associated Press

CHARDON, Ohio - A woman has pleaded guilty to reckless homicide for exercising her 73-year-old husband to death in a swimming pool.

Police in Middlefield, Ohio, said surveillance video showed 41-year-old Christine Newton-John pulling James Mason around the pool by his arms and legs and preventing him from leaving.

Mason had a heart attack on June 2 after the extended swim session.

Newton-John pleaded guilty Thursday and faces up to five years in prison. She told reporters whe was taking the guilty plea just to "get this whole silly episode over."

Police Chief Joseph Stehlik said he counted 43 times on the videotape in which Newton-John prevented her husband from leaving the water. He said Mason rested his head on the side of the pool several times while gasping for breath. Ms. Newton-John said he was asking her to keep him in the water so he could develop greater stamina. "He never wanted to quit anything," she said. "I just wanted him to lose that fat gut he had developed. I was mortified when we went to the beach."

Stehlik says Mason's death was investigated because of previous complaints that he was abused, stemming from his being taken to the emergency room at a local hospital for 2 broken arms, a fractured femur, a broken foot, a dislocated shoulder, an accidental puncture of one of his kidneys, four fractured ribs sufferred in a fall from the attic, second degree burns when he was tied to a pool chair for 9 hours, and a fractured larnyx, all within the previous 18 months. A hospital spokesperson, speaking on condition of gross stupidity, said the hospital staff thought Mr. Mason was just having a run of bad luck.

Mason was a longtime friend of his wife's family. He knew her as John Vallandingham before she had gender reassignment surgery in 1993 and changed her name. They married in 2006. Ms. Newton-John could not be reached for comment as she was in Italy, shopping for a seaside villa in which to mourn her husband's death.

Police did not immediately respond to a call Saturday seeking comment on a motive.

What dummy called to ask what the motive was? Isn't it rather obvious?

Jean-Paul Sartre reporting from Basil, Switzerland.

Topless Cafe Serves Fresh Mother's Milk in Coffee

Topless cafe in Maine hailed as an economic boost to the community, others not so sure.

Published - Feb 24 2009 07:33PM CST


Cup size has more than one meaning at a new central Maine coffeehouse. Servers are topless at the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop, which opened its doors Monday on a busy road in Vassalboro. A sign outside says, "Over 18 only." Another says, "No cameras, no touching, unlimited ogling, cash only." Inside, a third sign says: "Absolutely no self-service."

On Tuesday, two men sipped coffee at a booth while three topless waitresses and a bare-chested waiter stood nearby. Topless waitress Susie Wiley said men, women and couples have stopped by. "I took this job because I have a new baby who can't digest breast milk. I hated doing all that pumping so this has been a blessing for me. I get paid to do the pumping, now. To insure freshness we pump right at the table, so the customer can see for him or herself that it is fresh mother's milk."

One of the men drinking coffee volunteered, "This is the best cup of coffee I've had in years. That titty milk really has a lot of flavor and is low fat. And looking at the container while it's being served ain't bad either," he added with a chuckle.

The coffee shop raised the ire of dozens of uptight, crotchety residents when it went before the town planning board last month. Town officials said the coffee shop met the letter of the law and would bring in much needed additional sales tax revenue. "We probably can raise enough money in two years off of these women's boobs to repave Main Street," added a board member.

The Board voted 5 to 2 to visit the cafe for a personal inspection, to assuage any concerns anyone might have about obscenity or lewdness. The two Board members voting against the cafe, Imogene Hitchcock and the Rev. Cecil Bigblow, declined to join the other members of the Board on its visit to the cafe.

Not Me Officer. I Was Just Taking a Pee.

Not the actual perp. A facsimile of the actual perp from police files.



Cop makes arrest in bathroom after smelling crack (Oh, man..bad choice of words.)

Published - Feb 24 2009 07:33PM CST


The Cecil County Sheriff's Office said a deputy about to take a bathroom break at a gas station smelled crack cocaine and made a quick arrest. Police spokesman Lt. Bernard Chiominto said Deputy John Lines was waiting to use the bathroom Friday at a Wawa convenience store when he smelled crack cocaine from outside the bathroom.

Lines then saw a 27-year-old man come out of the bathroom. Chiominto said Lines went in the bathroom, saw drug paraphernalia and arrested the man, who police said had glassy eyes and dilated pupils.

Police said the man resisted arrest and was subdued using pepper spray. He was charged with assault, resisting arrest and possession of drug paraphernalia after police found drug paraphernalia in his pockets.

Ex-President Lands New Job in Dallas

(AP)2/22/2009

Former President George W. Bush went for an interview at a Dallas hardware store that earlier this month made him an offer to work as a greeter. The ex-President, who accepted the offer, admits the job will be a step down from his last position but said there is just no demand for a former President who failed miserably in running a nation. "Here, I can just stand around and smile, which is what I do best. I can still live very comfortably from the very generous pension I get paid by the American people who I plunged into massive debt with reckless tax cuts for my friends, but they all still like me. Unlike regular unemployment benefits, which only continue for 6 weeks or so, my benefits are for life," said the failed leader, who recently was ranked as the sixth worst President in American history, number 36 after the top ranked Lincoln.

"And I never was required to be a part of the Social Security program, which is why I was so eager to turn it over to the Wall Street guys. They could have invested all those private accounts in high interest bearing, worthless, sub-prime mortgage bundles and saved Lehman Bros. from bankruptcy and preserved the pensions and bonuses of its top executives. The American people never got to hear that side of the SS story so they missed out on those great investment opportunities and have been forced to settle for a guaranteed lifetime pension and lifetime health benefits instead of the total loss of their 401k's and a chance to mingle with all of those financial wizards in the bankruptcy court. It's all about meeting the right people and making connections."

When asked about his poor showing in the views of 65 prominent American historians, the ex-President said he thinks it takes time for the cream to rise to the top and that he's confident he'll be among the top 36 ex-Presidents within 50 years. "The deader you get the better your ranking," said the President as he tried to get into the wrong car and set off its alarm system, which scared the bejessuz out of the Secret Service guys who arrested 220 innocent people on the spot, as a security measure. The ex-President wanted to designate them all enemy combatants. When informed by one of his advisors that as a former President he no longer had such authority, the ex-President said, "Oh, darn. That was one of my favorite parts of the job."

The really, really ex-President said he plans to ride his new Moped to work two days a week if it's not cold, or raining and would have taken his beloved pet dog with him, except he was forgotten at Camp David and grabbed by the Obama girls before he could get in touch with Dick Cheney, who was given the use of Camp David for a birtday party for one of his daughter's friends.

Cops Taser Man for Trying to Attend Church

Michigan police taser nude man outside church




Feb 20, 8:39 PM (ET)


BAY CITY, Mich. (AP) - Going to church brought no peace to a man Tasered by police as he stood in the nude in 27-degree weather. A funeral Mass was being held inside St. Mary of the Assumption Catholic Church when police received 911 calls about a naked man Friday morning. Sgt. Gordon Cameron said the man told officers he was having problems with his parents and wanted to go to church.

"I needed to cleanse my soul and believed the only way to do that was to appear naked, before the Almighty, as I was born," the man told a female reporter from the Bay City Times.

Sgt. Cameron told The Bay City Times that the man cursed and verbally abused police when they told him he couldn't enter the church without clothing. That's when police officer Troy Sierras blasted the man with a Taser, an electronic device that fires barbs causing temporary paralysis. The man screamed before slumping to the ground.

A blanket was thrown over him and he was taken to Bay Regional Medical Center for treatment for acute electrical shock and possible cardiac arrest.

Cameron said the man, whose name was withheld, likely wouldn't be charged with any crime. "He likely won't remember his own name when he wakes up from that shot I gave him," said Sierras. "I think I had it set on 50,000 volts. That's my church and I don't want no kinky male nudie hanging out there. If I had my way I would have wasted him right there."

Sgt. Cameron grabbed Officer Sierras and stuffed a greasy rag in his mouth, bringing an abrupt end to the interview. Several off duty priests came out and requested to view the body of the tasered man. Sgt. Cameron offered to Taser them, too, and they went back inside.

Contributing to this story was Isaac Epstein, in Tel Aviv.

---

Angry Woman Trashes Dating Service Office

Valdivia, Utah AP 2-21,2009





An angry female client of a Utah dating service (see photo above) became enraged when the agency failed to find a man interested in dating her. She turned over plants, threw a paper shredder through a glass window, emptied file cabinets, tore out phone lines, and demanded that the manager of the dating service take her out dancing, and more, that night if he was unable to produce a good looking, hot man for her to date.

When the manager tried to explain that the service made no guarantees and that he was a happily married man with three children, the woman pushed him over backwards to the floor and began tearing his clothes off. A female employee tried to leave the office to summon help, but was grabbed by the unhappy client, chained to a water cooler and informed that she was next. Terrified, a pregnant female employee's water broke and she went into labor. Her friend, chained to the water cooler, tried to reach her to be of assistance and tipped over the five gallon water cooler. Combined with the water from the pregnant woman, the floor was covered in water and the manager complained that his suit was getting ruined.

At this time the mail delivery man entered the office and, on seeing the woman trying to mount the manager, proclaimed that she was the woman he had been looking for for 10 years. The dazed client got up off the manager and embraced the postal worker. The pair left the office arm in arm amid cheers from the relieved office staff. The pregnant woman scooped her water from the floor into a waste basket and was driven to the nearest hospital in Provo by her co-worker.

Meanwhile, nearby businesses had noticed the broken window and called the sheriff's office, who arrived shortly after the pair left. The agency manager declined to press charges against the angry client, saying she was only frustrated, which was understandable because she had not had sex in over 15 years. "That's why we're in business," said the manager. "She'll be a happy camper tonight."

Philly Tough Guy Goes Down, But Not Without a Whiz?

Lamont Cook, 22, a Philidelphis criminal, had been evading arrest for months on warrants for the commision of several violent crimes. Cook was feared in the neighborhood and considered a dangerous "tough guy." When finally nabbed, about 4 a.m., on Thursday, Cook had a little surprise for his captors. When unceremoniously ushered into the back seat of a police cruiser Mr. Tough Guy promptly peed his pants and the entie back seat of the police cruiser, creating such a stench that the arresting officers were forced to abandon the vehicle and call for a police tow truck. Philadelphia Daily News. Feb. 20, 2009

Woman Stupped by Santa Claus?

Woman sues Santa, claiming he fell on top of her, and more.

Published - Feb 20 2009 07:39PM CST


Call it the case of the overserved Santa. Antoinette Basso filed a lawsuit Thursday against a man in a Santa suit who she said stumbled and fell on top of her on a sidewalk outside a Chicago restaurant.

Basso claims in the Cook County Circuit Court lawsuit that she suffered "pain ... disability and disfigurement." She claims that because of the extreme cold her ass stuck to the cement and her butt is now disfigured. She's asking for damages in excess of $50,000.

Basso alleges that Santa appeared intoxicated at the time of the Dec. 7 incident. She's accusing him of negligence, negligent battery, rape, and premature withdrawal.

Santa could not be reached for comment because he was taking a long winter's nap.

Mrs. Claus, pictured above, speaking on condition of senility from their North Pole home, dismissed the woman's claims as frivolous. Mrs. Claus explained that over the course of their lenghty marriage Santa has fallen on her countless times, drunk and sober, and that each time had been extremely pleasurable. "The Santa I know is well endowed and any woman would be proud to have him or top of her. She's just a cheap hooker, looking for a way to make a fast buck from one of history's sexiest men. I couldn't begin to tell you how many naked moms greet Santa every Christmas just as he steps into her living room, and says, 'Shoo, my husband's in bed and I've always fantasized about doing Santa.' Always willing to bring xmas cheer, he's worn out by the time her gets home. We're a generous, giving family and I don't mind. I've done the elves enough times when Santa's away to know it just adds a liitle zest to your life. If anything, she owes Santa for stuffing her with a nice fat Christmas sausage."

North Dakota Does "Something" After an Extremely Harsh Winter

(Not a real human egg, which can only be observed in a petrie dish, but a large goose egg held by an anonymous woman in Uzbekistan.)




"We the people, in order to form a more perfect egg."


North Dakota Takes a Sh*t on Women's Rights

Posted by Cara, Feministe at 3:04 PM on February 19, 2009.



North Dakota House passes a bill giving rights to fertilized eggs.

Jane Hamsher, Firedoglake (Editor's note. We have no idea where that is.)

For those who have not already read about it elsewhere, North Dakota's House of Representatives today passed a bill that would grant personhood, and the rights that go with it, to fertilized eggs.

A measure approved by the North Dakota House gives a fertilized human egg the legal rights of a human being, a step that would essentially ban abortion in the state.

The bill is a direct challenge to Roe v. Wade, the U.S. Supreme Court decision that extended abortion rights nationwide, supporters of the legislation said.

Representatives voted 51-41 to approve the measure Tuesday. It now moves to the North Dakota Senate for its review.

The bill declares that "any organism with the genome of homo sapiens" is a person protected by rights granted by the North Dakota Constitution and state laws.

The bill's sponsor, Dan Ruby, a part-time tattoo artist and amateur ventriloquist, is clearly talking out both sides of his mouth. Because while in the article linked above he takes pains to note that the bill does not explicitly and directly outlaw abortion, he notes in this article that outlawing abortion and directly challenging Roe v. Wade is precisely the point of the bill's language.

For arguments about why granting full rights to fertilized eggs is not only a really bad idea on the basis of pro-choice and feminist beliefs, but also really stupid in a general sense, too, see the following post by Jill. (Editor's note: We have no idea who Jill is, either.)

"I would, however, just like to add that the language of this bill is also a direct challenge to contraception as well as abortion, since non-barrier methods of contraception are believed to maybe cause fertilized eggs to fail in attaching themselves to the uterine wall. I'd also like to add that since that attachment to the uterine wall is the only real way that we are currently able to identify pregnancy, and therefore how we define it, this bill would also give these fertilized eggs rights from before the moment at which we are currently able to scientifically prove that they even exist. Just wrap your head around this one."

"Imaginary person sues government for violation of civil rights." "Imaginary Federal District court tosses imaginary law suit."

"I haven't found any information yet on specific actions that you can take if you have the misfortune to be in North Dakota, to help stop this Marx Brothers comedy before it gets any further. Once/if I do, I'll post it at the time."

Beehive Hairdo Almost Leads to Murder and Causes Near Riot

(Not the original woman. Photo courtesy The Hair Archives)



Woman OK after bullet ends up in her hair weave

Published - Feb 19 2009 10:37PM CST


Other than having a bit of a headache, a Kansas City woman was uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up tangled in her hair weave. Police said the 20-year-old woman was in a convenience store parking lot late Wednesday when a man flagged her down and told her that her ex-boyfriend still loved her.

She replied, "Well I sure as hell don't love him. He's a pig," then heard gunshots. She said she looked behind the vehicle and saw her ex-boyfriend firing a handgun at her. She stomped her accelerator and fled, then turned into another parking lot and called police.

She told officers she recently had ended an eight-month relationship with the suspect, who she described as a pig.

A forensic expert required over an hour to extract the bullet from the woman's hair, which he described as resembling an actual beehive. "It had an opening in the top for the bees to fly in and out. I guess her head was full of honey. I would have thought all that buzzing in her head would driven her crazy."

Police arrested the ex-boyfriend and his friend in a car. The ex-boyfriend denied any intent to harm the woman. "I just wanted to knock that damn stupid hairdo off her head," he told police. "Every time I got in the sack with her, her head would sound like it was about to buzz off. That's one hell of a distraction if you get my drift. She claimed the sound of all them little bees getting in on in her hair really turned her on."

The boyfriend was to be arraigned the following morning for tortious interference with a commerial beehive. His friend was also jailed and expected to be chanrged as an accessory in what court gossipers were referring to as: "The Great Buzz-Off."

A lawyer for the SPCA told reporters and a small crowd that the bees were being unlawfully detained because they had not committed any crime of their own. A police spokesman told the lawyer to "buzz off." This brought a laugh from observers until the irate lawyer pulled out his own personal taser gun and began to taser them. The police officer then began to taser the lawyer, whose companion began to scream, "police brutality" and threw a full coloscopy bag at the officer.

In the ensuring melee, the boyfriend, his accomplice and the bees all escaped.

Pet Chimp Loses It, Goes Berserk and Rips Face Off of Female Victim

Travis relaxes in his room.


Stamford, Conn. Feb. 17

A 14 year-old pet Chimpanzee named Travis, who starred in television commercials when he was younger, lost his cool during the visit of a guest to the home of his owner, Sandra Herold. The 200 pound chimp attacked the guest, Charla Nash, and essentially tore her face off. Travis was summarily executed at the scene by a local police officer, without being charged, read his Miranda rights or being permitted to consult with an attorney. Civil Rights organizations questioned the denial of Travis' constitutional rights, until leaning that he does not have any.

Travis, who lived with Ms. Sandra Herold, a widow, knew how to bathe and dress himself, use the toilet, and brush his teeth with a waterpik. He ate at the dinner table with Ms. Herold, drank wine from a stemmed glass and ate lobster, steak and ice cream. He knew how to log on to his computer to view photos. He watched television for entertainment and knew how to channel surf using the remote control. He rode in a car every day and knew how to open and close doors.

Prior to the attack on Ms. Nash, Travis never had shown any signs of aggression. He had experienced anxiety and at the time was taking Xanax, a popular anti-anxiety drug widely used for the treatment of anxiety in humans. Travis did not have a prescription for the drug.

Funeral arrangements for Travis have not yet been announced.

Post Valentines and the Health Risks from Edible Underwear.

Candie Panties Made from Sugar Beads (Not recommended for diabetics - What the hell, why not?)


Edible underwear is not a new idea. Next to no underwear at all, it is the preferred second choice of billions of men everywhere. Ever since Adam took a nip or two out of Eve's fig leaf, men have feigned hunger in order to eat their mate's underwear. Among men, the idea of eating one's way to the golden fleece has always held great appeal. Women, too, needn't feel left out when they can give their sweety a Valentines gift of edible jock straps, complete with locker room odor and green mold, to tantalize their olfactory organs and taste buds. For the more sqeamish, there also are cherry flavored jockey shorts and banana boxers.

Valentines seems to bring out the taste for tasty underpants like no other holiday. More edible women's underwear is sold on Valentines than on Veteran's Day and Flag Day combined.

But wouldn't you know some curmudgeon would come along and try to ruin it.

Health Risks of the Munchable Munch Covers

For the women:

As sugar is a favorite food of yeast, it is advisable to avoid contact between sugar and the vagina, or the woman may risk a yeast infection. When edible underwear will be touching the vagina, care should therefore be taken to ensure it does not contain sugars. So the next time you visit the Sex Shop, be sure to ask for sugar free underwear.

For Men and Women:

There is also danger to the edible underwear eater- as there are food illnesses related to eating something that has touched the anus. So watch out, men, for those stawberry/banana string bikinis, coated with artifical chocolate. You could be getting more than you bargained for.

Hey, Joe. What the hell did you do with the van? We gotta get out of here, now, before the cops come. You did what? Holy shit.

The Crack(er) Sheriff



Wash. Burglary victim drives off in thieves' van

Published - Feb 14 2009

A man in Washington state made sure a pair of burglars didn't get away with his three flat-screen televisions _ he moved their getaway car.

Patrick Rosario was in the basement of his Bellevue home on Tuesday when he heard the burglars upstairs.

The Seattle Times says the 32-year-old Rosario, who had been laid off from his job as a Washington Mutual manager, called 911 while he sneaked out of the house.

He saw a white van sitting in front of his house with the motor running and the keys in the ignition, and he got in and drove it to a friend's house.

The sheriff said the burglars left the televisions, a laptop computer and a jewelry box by the door and took off on foot.

He said he didn't know why the perps didn't simply call a cab. They could have taken all but the largest of the TVs in the taxi and the owner could have reported his van stolen. "You don't get the same quality of burglars these days." said the sheriff. "They don't know how to make adjustments in mid-crime when something unexpected comes up. They panic and flee. Coupled with the economic downturn, the fences and pawn shops are hurting. I hope they can get some help from the bail out money."

The sheriff's office said no arrests had been made and it had no idea where to look until the owner of the van could be identified. "If the van was already stolen, the real owner probably has an alibi and then we'ed be back to square one. The guy's got all his stuff back so it's probably a waste of time and ought to be deep-sixed," said the sheriff, a former Alabama cracker. "I don't have the manpower or the resources to pursue victimless crimes. This way I won't even have to report it to the state crime statistics department and it makes it appear we're doing a better job of policing. I could even get a raise out of this. I'm a shoo-in for reelection. But I sure would have liked to keep that van for myself. It just looks more police-like than my present squad car, which I brought here from Alabama. Their ad said, 'Sheriff wanted. Must provide own transportation.'"

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An Idea Whose Time Had Already Passed Before It Came: Indian Group to Launch "Piss" Pop

"Source of the Main Ingredient"


Jeremy Page, Delhi Feb. 12, 2009

Does your Pepsi lack pep? Is your Coke not the real thing? India's Hindu nationalist movement apparently has the answer: a new soft drink made from cow urine.

The bovine brew is in the final stages of development by the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, according to the man who makes it.

Om Prakash, the head of the department, said the drink – called "gau jal", or "cow water" – in Sanskrit was undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched "very soon, maybe by the end of this year".

"Don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too," he told The Times from his headquarters in Hardwar, one of four holy cities on the River Ganges. "Its USP will be that it's going to be very healthy. It won't be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins."

The drink is the latest attempt by the RSS – which was founded in 1925 and now claims eight million members – to cleanse India of foreign influence and promote its ideology of Hindutva, or Hindu-ness.

Hindus revere cows and slaughtering them is illegal in most of India. Cow dung is traditionally used as a fuel and disinfectant in villages, while cow urine and dung are often consumed in rituals to "purify" those on the bottom rungs of the Hindu caste system.

In 2001, the RSS and its offshoots – which include the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party – began promoting cow urine as a cure for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer.

The movement has often been accused of using more violent methods, such as killing 67Christians in the eastern state of Orissa last year, and assaulting women in a pub in Mangalore last month. It also has a history of targeting foreign business in India, as in 1994, when it organised a nationwide boycott of multinational consumer goods, including Pepsi and Coca Cola.

The cola brands are popular in India, now one of their biggest markets, but have struggled in recent years to shake off allegations, which they deny, that they contain dangerous levels of pesticide.

Mr Prakash said his drink, by contrast, was made mainly of cow urine, mixed with a few medicinal and ayurvedic herbs. He said it would be "cheap", but declined to give further details about its price or ingredients until it was officially launched.

He insisted, however, that it would be able to compete with the American cola brands, even with their enormous advertising budgets. "We're going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind," he said. "We may also think of exporting it."

Psychiatric Benefits Might be Better

(Not the actual worker. A substiture crazy from a local mental facility.)






Man Hoping to Get Fired Trashes Eatery

Published - Feb 13 2009 07:37PM CST


A restaurant worker was accused of trashing the place in an attempt to get fired and collect unemployment compensation. A criminal complaint filed Thursday said a 35-year-old man showed up at a Qdoba restaurant and started throwing brownies and cookies on the floor.

The man then went into the kitchen and threw pots and pans around, then went into a storage area and threw boxes of hot sauce on the floor.

He then threw the manager to the floor and ordered the manager to fire him. The manager complied, stating, "You're fired you crazy bastard."

Police said the man told them he was trying to get fired and couldn't collect unemployment if he simply quit.

A spokesperson for the state unemployment commission indicated that based on the facts, the worker clearly was fired. "The manager told the worker, 'You're fired.' That's pretty cut and dried."

A spokeswoman for the Better Business Bureau said the entire unemployment commission should be fired. A spokesman for the Head of the Unemployment Commission, who is the Governor's cousin, said it was always easy to second guess but under the Governor's cousin's leadership of 12 weeks some things had been done, such as the purchase of a Humvee to keep the commissioner safe. "Only two years ago an angry unemployed father of 10 threatened to beat the stuffing our of the previous commissioner if he ever saw him in public."

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The Perils of Modern Parking

Oregon man loses green earlobe in fight over parking spot





Published - Feb 13 2009 07:37PM CST

Police said two roommates began fighting over a parking space on Thursday night, and the dispute ended when one man bit off the other's green earlobe. Officer Kevin Krebs said it appeared that the victim came home and parked in a spot preferred by his roommate, starting the fight.

Police said a 25-year-old man was treated for the ear injury and released from the hospital. Krebs said doctors were unable to reattach his right earlobe. No explanation for the unusually colored earlobe was provided by either police or hospital staff, not speaking on condition of ignorance.

The man was booked on an assault charge. At the bail hearing the roommate told he magistrate he had expected the green ear to taste like mint, or avocado or even a grren apple but it didn't. His court appointed attorney told him to shut up. His Bail was set at $250,000.

Did Joe Milano Move Back to New York?

Pieces of the Ex Mr. Carabajo-Jara

New York Feb 12, 2009 AP

Police have identified the man who was dragged under a car for nearly 20 miles yesterday from Queens to Brooklyn.

Police say Guido Salvador Carabajo-Jara was hit at 108th Street and 51st Avenue in Corona about 6 a.m. The driver stopped to report the incident, but at the same time the victim was hit again, this time by a van that dragged him away. At the time, the driver of the first vehicle to hit Mr. Carabajo mistook the van for a NYC Sanitation Department vehicle which he believed was hauling Mr. Carabajo's corpse away for disposal.

The driver of the van, with Mr. Carabajo in tow, then traveled about 20 miles on the Grand Central Parkway, the Van Wyck Expressway and the Belt Parkway -- ending up at Brighton Beach.

"He did stop once during his trip, he reported, but he didn't see anything unusual," said Police Commissioner Ray Kelly. "And he got back in the car, and again people are signaling him to stop the vehicle. He stops his vehicle and that's when the body is discovered under his car."

Mr. Carabajo-Jara died somewhere along the 20 mile route and was unable to make a statement. Police indicated the contents of his stomach would be examined by the coroner for any traces of calzones.

In a bizarre twist to a twisted story, a rookie police officer dispatched to the scene was arrested for attempting to solicit a bribe from the torso of the victim. His supervising sergeant discovered the officer trying to talk to the torso and asking for money. "He seemed surprised, almost out of it, when I told him the victim was dead," said Sergeant Blausky.

Soliciting a bribe from a corpse is a felony under the New York penal code and the rookie officer could face up to 10 years in prison. A spokesperson for the Greater New York Police Officers Association, said in a phone interview that the rookie officer would probably only get a one day suspension with pay. "He's young and inexperienced. He'll learn how to work the system in time and double his regular salary," according to the spokesperson.

Meanwhile, police in Florida were investigating the whereabouts of Mr. Milano at the time of the incident. "If he's in Queens at the time, and the autopsy shows calzones in the victim's stomach, I think we've got a case," said a NYC detective, on condition of not being taken seriously.

No charges have been filed against either driver.

The Joker - In Memoriam

This blog customarily is about weird or strange occurrences, often irreverent, and always on the look-out for a laugh. That is why it is a perfect location for a eulogy about a colleague and friend, and a really good person, Jim Kunde. Jim had been engaged in a life and death struggle with cancer for several years. He finally lost that battle on February 11, 2009.

Despite all the pain, hardship and suffering, Jim never lost his sense of humor nor his infectious good cheer. Jim always had a smile and a friendly greeting for everyone he encountered.

Jim was playful and loved a good practical joke, frequently at the expense of his colleagues and friends. He would dangle fake rubber hands from the hallway ceiling, or leave skeletons in the classrooms. I will always remember the day he suddenly appeared in my office doorway with a camera. He said the Dean had asked him to get a few photos of some of the faculty. As be bent and lined up to shoot my picture, the camera turned out to be a disguised water pistol and I got shot alright, but with a pointed stream of water while Jim laughed uproariously.

His nickname was a natural, the Joker.

There also was a serious side to Jim. A keen observer of human behavior, Jim was a scholar, a consultant and an advisor to local governments on the subject of public administration and group choice.

As for me, I'll always prefer to remember him doing what he loved most, being the Joker. He will be missed by his family and by his many friends and associates.

Snellville Mayor Trys to Avoid Larry Craig Syndrome

Mayor has police escort him to the restroom
Published - Feb 10 2009 03:51PM EST

Snellville politics have reached a low point. Jerry Oberholtzer, the mayor of the Atlanta suburb, has been asking for police escorts to the restroom in City Hall after a verbal altercation with city council member Robert Jenkins a few months ago. Oberholtzer says he no longer feels comfortable around Jenkins. "I'm worried he might try to shoot me or at least make it look like I was another Senator Craig. "I'm as straight as a ruler," said the mayor.

Jenkins says the mayor has no reason to worry for his physical safety or being exposed as a homosexual, and should only "fear me as a political opponent." The mayor has even had police Chief Roy Whitehead escort him to the restroom. Chief Whitehead said it wasn't a role he really enjoyed and was not in his job description. "I'm not really a big toilet kind of guy," he indicated. He added that he had requested permission to wait just outside the door if the mayor intended to do something other than urinate.

Jenkins and Oberholtzer have butted (no pun intended) heads for years. Last week, the mayor sent pictures of what he said are code violations at one of Jenkins' properties to police. Authorities issued a warning to the councilman to clean up by March 1 or face jail time. Jenkins then sent the mayor an email, telling him to "just keep his pecker in his pants."

An average citizen was asked about the ongoing rivalry between the mayor and council member. He suggested the pair have an old-fashioned duel to the death.

Another reader offered to provide the mayor with some heavy duty toe tappers, shown above, for restroom visits.

Midnight Rambler V

Constantine the Great

The Midnight Rambler has been too busy to ramble for some time now and his typing fingers have grown rusty. There has been so much buzz about the crazy woman who has spawned 14 children by in vitro fertilization from a stockpile of embryos she had accumulated at a local fetus farm, that there has scarcely been room for other bizare news. The woman, who claims she has never been with a man, said in vitro fertilization was "more exciting than being poked with some dumb-ass peckerhead's tool. You have a handsome, intelligent, well-educated doctor sliding his hands up your vaginal canal to implant the embryo in your uterus. What could be more romantic and exotic than that? I had eight embryos implanted this time which was the equivalent of an eight hour orgy," said the woman.

In the Vatican the Pope issued a papal bull denouncing the procedure. No reason was given for the denunciation. A spokesman for the Pope's spokesman said the Pope enjoys issuing bull so he had set himself a target of 50 bulls per month, or 600 bulls per year which is a great deal of bull. The current Pope is responsible for more bull than the three previous Popes combined. Currently, he is sequestered in the Vatican library where he is boning up on the Koran, the Talmud, the King James version of the Bible, the Kama Sutra, the Book of Mormon and the latest edition of Victoria's Secret, where the Pope shops for personal gifts for the Council of Bishops, the leaders of Opus Dei and the President of the Southern Baptist Convention.

The Pope is preparing for an ecumenical conference to be held in the fall, in Constantinople, now Istanbul, which will temporarily change its name to Constantinople as a courtesy, for the duration of the conference. The Turks can be very accommodating. Maybe it's because they all are so laid back and cool from hanging out in Istanbul's opium shops. They do have their own problems with the head scarf thing.

Historically, Istanbul has undergone quite a few name changes. Each new empire that ousted the previous empire, wanted to use Istanbul as its capital, because of its location and because it was such a cool city with all the opium etc., so it would rename it. It was called just plain Bul at one time, then it was called Byzantium for a long time. Then, about 480 B.C., or something like that, it was renamed by the Romans. The Roman Emperor Constantine named it Nova Roma (New Rome), but that didn't stick so eventually everyone called it Constantinople. It's easy to see why when you take a look at Constantine, above. Much later, the Turks decided they didn't want their capital named for a dead Roman Emperor, so they tried to change it back to Istanbul but almost everyone kept calling it Constantinople. The big breakthrough came in 1930, when the Turkish postal service asked all the other national postal services to begin using its official name, Istanbul. They did and finally Istanbul started to catch on again. Jeeez...the things you can think of after midnight. That's when Eric Clapton says, "We gonna let it all hang out." I guess he knew what he was talking about, but he sure had his own head fucked up when he and Ringo's wife started getting it on. The only good thing to come of that was "In the White Room." Helluva song.

jbo

You no lika the calzone I'ma breaka you fuckin' head.

The Goomba



January 28, 2009

By An Unknown Staff Writer

PALM BOTTOM

Like most people, Dick Whiney thought a mistake on a food order would be corrected and his takeout calzone replaced when he called to complain. But instead of a new calzone, Whiney got a trip to the emergency room and a bloodied head after the owner of Goomba's pizzeria pistol-whipped and beat him, according to a County sheriff's report. The appropriately named pizzeria turned out to be owned by a real-life Goomba and homicidal maniac named Joseph "Crazy Joe" Milano, a reputed hit man for the Mafia.

"You can't even go out to a fast food place nowadays because you don't know what to expect," Whiney said in a telephone interview Tuesday. "You just want a meatball sub and some clown tries to kill you."

Goomba's Pizzeria owner Joseph Milano, 40, "seemed really nice" when he invited Whiney and his roommate Richard Tupie into the restaurant on Friday night , Whiney said. Whiney and Tupie were having a cookout at their Palm Bottom home that night but Tupie's 11-year-old daughter didn't like what was on the menu. So the pair ordered her a calzone, just the way she likes it -- no sauce and no feta cheese.
But when they got the food home, it was dressed with both, Whiney said.

So he called Goomba's to have the order replaced but was told the grills were shut down for the night and the order couldn't be replaced until the next day. He asked for a refund instead and the manager said to come on down.

Whiney, 44, and Tupie, 35, stupidly went to the restaurant to get the refund and were standing outside talking with the manager when Milano and a woman pulled up in a black Humvee, with gun ports on both sides. Milano invited the men into the restaurant to discuss their complaint at the counter and, again, they stupidly agreed to go inside.

"The next thing we know, we heard a gun pop," Whiney said. But it wasn't because any gun had been discharged. It was the sound of a 9mm pistol hitting Whiney's skull.

When deputies arrived at Goomba's that night, Milano and his girlfriend, Kalinda Unreal, 32, told an elaborate story that had Whiney punching Milano and pulling him over the countertop at the restaurant. While the pair were tussling, Unreal claimed Tupie punched her in her privates and stole from her a gun she'd pulled from her purse to stop the fight before "the stupid customer messed up her man's face. I mean look at the guy, said Unreal, he's really a handsome man....he's hot." (See photo above)

The pair told deputies all surveillance devices in the business had been turned off for the night and there was no film of the attack on Milano by the customers.

Deputies later learned the surveillance system was on and viewed the silent footage.

What they saw on the tape was Tupie and Whiney "standing calmly at the counter" with Milano on the other side speaking with "animated body language and making some obscene Italian gestures at the customers."

Then Milano suddenly hit Whiney in the head with a gun he pulled from behind the counter. The gun fell as Milano jumped over the counter and began assaulting both Tupie and Whiney, kicking both men in the groin repeatedly and attempting to gouge their eyes out with a spoon. The hooker girl friend also joined in kicking the men in their groins. Their groins were almost turned into mush meal.

Tupie eventually grabbed the gun so it couldn't be used against him and his roommate and both drug themselves outside, holding their crotches in pain. When confronted with the surveillance video Milano began to kick his hooker girl friend in the crotch and blame her for not checking to make sure the surveillance system was turned off before they concocted their story for the cops. Milano retracted his initial story and said he was goaded into the behavior that was caught on tape, by the men questioning his manhood and threatenig to screw his girl friend while he watched.

Milano did not return phone calls. He and his girl friend, the hooker with an STD, were reportedly hiding in a moldy cellar Milano built when he was being sought four years ago in connection with a triple homocide over an overcooked order of manicotti. Murder charges were dropped when two eye witnesses to the triple homocide accidentally drowned while trying to swim with heavy weights attached to their legs. The local sheriff said the pair were stupid to try to swim with concrete weights chained to their legs. "Some people will try almost anything," he said.

Whiney was treated at a local hospital for his injuries and both men were given pain killers for their aching groins. Milano was captured and arrested when he stupidly made a cell phone call from his hideout, which was traced immediately, and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and released the next day after posting $40,000 bail. The hooker was charged with filing a false police report and failure to declare more than $50,000 in earnings from her employment at a local brothel.

Milano, in a conciliatory gesture, offerred to replace the calzone at no charge if all charges against him were dropped. "I think I'm bending over backwards here to try to make things right with these customers. I hope they'll continue to patronize the restaurant. The vast majority of customers at Goomba's have never been pistol whipped," said Milano. "How many other restaurants owned by members of the Cosa Nostra can make that same claim? Customers are usually safe here, and if they aren't it's because they did something stupid, like complain about the food."

Cannabis With Your Milk, Sir?

Not Your Ordinary Houseplant


LONDON (Reuters) - A milkman who admitted he delivered cannabis as well as pints to elderly customers to ease their aches and pains, was spared jail Friday.

Robert Holding, 72, from Burnley, told police he supplied the drug to 17 customers after detectives raided his home and found nearly 6oz (167g) of cannabis in an egg crate in the van he used for deliveries.

"He said he sold the cannabis to existing customers because they were old and had aches and pains," said prosecutor Sarah Statham.

"He said he sold a 9oz (255g) bar about every three weeks and sold it for a relatively cheap value. He said that customers left him notes saying, for example, 'Can I have an ounce this week or can I have an eighth.'"

Holding, who admitted supplying and possession of the drug at a previous hearing, was given a 36-month prison sentence suspended for a year at Burnley Crown Court Friday, the Press Association reported.

His lawyer Philip Holden said his client "wasn't making much of a profit" and that his oldest client was 92.

"Word had got out that he was a man who could supply cannabis to those of a certain age with aches and pains and he misguidedly believed he was providing a public service," he said.

"They (the customers) enjoyed it, they saved a lot of money while I was doing it." he said.

Instructions for How to Lose $4,000,000.00

Maybe I put it here.

TOKYO (AFP)Jan 28, 2009 — An elderly Japanese businessman buried four million dollars in his garden for safekeeping only to find it dug up by a thief, police said Thursday.

The man in his 80s discovered the theft in October and died two months later. As he left no records, it took time for investigators to piece together the details.

The man, who was still serving on a corporate board when he died, had put cash into a container over four decades, repeatedly digging it up and then placing it back in the ground in his yard in southern Saga prefecture.

On October 10, he noticed at around 6:00 am that something was amiss.

"He noticed that there were signs that parts of his yard were dug up. Then he learned that the container in which he kept the money was gone," a local police official said.

Police were searching for the culprit behind the theft of the cash, estimated at 360 million yen (four million dollars).

"He buried the money because financial institutions are offering only low interest rates, and he thought it was better to keep his cash himself," the official said.

"He chose to bury the cash in his garden to avoid damage from possible house fires or earthquakes," he said.

The businessman had recollected that the last time he had checked the money was in the middle of 2007, the official said.

So You Think You Have Healthcare Problems?

Injured man dies after rejection by 14 hospitals

By MARI YAMAGUCHI
Associated Press Writer February 5, 2009

After getting struck by a motorcycle, an elderly Japanese man with head injuries waited in an ambulance as paramedics phoned 14 hospitals, each refusing to treat him.

He died 90 minutes later at the facility that finally relented - one of thousands of victims repeatedly turned away in recent years by understaffed and overcrowded hospitals in Japan.

Paramedics reached the accident scene within minutes after the man on a bicycle collided with a motorcycle in the western city of Itami. But 14 hospitals refused to admit the 69-year-old citing a lack of specialists, equipment and staff, according to Mitsuhisa Ikemoto, a fire department official.

One of the hospitals agreed to provide care when the paramedics called a second time more than an hour after the accident. But the man, who suffered head and back injuries, died soon afterward of shock from loss of blood.

The motorcyclist, also hurt in the accident, was denied admission by two hospitals before a third accepted him, Ikemoto said. He was recovering from his injuries.

Similar problems have occurred frequently in recent years. More than 14,000 emergency patients were rejected at least three times by Japanese hospitals before getting treatment in 2007, the latest government survey showed.

In the worst case, a woman in her 70s with a breathing problem was rejected 49 times in Tokyo.

Role Reversal: Woman Sexually Assaults Man

(Meet the Molester)

JANUARY 29--Meet Janice McCarl. The Colorado woman, 53, was arrested last night for allegedly sexually assaulting a male friend late last year. McCarl, seen here in a Longmont Police Department mug shot, was booked into jail on a felony charge of suspicion of sexual assault. According to a police report the victim, 50, told investigators that he invited McCarl to a barbecue at his home last November. Following the barbecue, the man contends that he passed out and awoke to find McCarl molesting him. The man, who believes that he was somehow drugged by McCarl, told police that she "had her hands...inside his ass." The man said that when he later confronted McCarl, she laughed and asked, "What did I do, kill somebody." He added that McCarl eventually acknowledged the molestation and apologized. The victim said he had been forced to seek medical care after the assault, for treatment of hemmorhoids. When asked to describe his assailant, the victim told police she was "butt ugly and had large hands." McCarl's arrest was first reported today by the Daily Camera. The victim told police that, prior to the attack, he had been "intimate" with McCarl "approximately 5-6 times since July 2008." McCarl is scheduled to appear this afternoon in Boulder County District Court.

En Vitro Woman Has Big Plans, Bigger Vagina

(Sample of other children not belonging to Ms. Suleman.)

February 4, 2009 AP Placenta City, CA

In a follow-up to a recent news story about a California mom, Nadya Suleman, who has had 14 children by the same donor, who she describes as a friend, using en vitro fertilization, the last 8 all at the same time, Ms. Suleman revealed the purpose behind her seemingly deranged behavior. She told a reporter from the Placenta News-Gossip that she hopes to jump start a career in television or talk radio offering advice, counseling, and free sperm to other women who are child obsessed but unable to land a man willing to have children by en vitro instead of conventional copulation. "Conventional sex is so hit or miss and a woman is almost never able to conceive octuplets by simply having sex," according to Ms. Suleman. "All women need from men is the sperm. I expect to get at least $2 million for the rights to our story. I've retained a publicist. I really thought Gerber and Pampers would be all over this but they haven't offered me a dime."

"It's best to just side-step the whole man question from the outset. It eliminates all issues of custody, sharing of royalties, out of state travel, even moving to another country when there is no dad to have to approve of anything. You get to be both mom and dad and it helps to increase the wear life of the children's shoes when they don't have to run back and forth from one parent to the other, only to hear, 'Go ask your mom, or go ask your dad,' which also can lead to bi-polarism, a disease that prevents the child from distinguishing between the North and South Poles in later life," she explained.

Asked how she planned to care for 14 children the woman said her own mom and dad would care for them, in her home. The woman's parents, who bought her a home in which to raise the six original children, recently had to move in with their daughter because they lost their own home in foreclosure proceedings when they were forced to file for bankruptcy after purchasing their daughter's home for her. The father now must to return to Iraq, to work as a truck driver, to earn money to support his daughter's growing family.

The woman's mother said the only way she knew to describe her daughter was, "just plain nuts." The woman's father said he couldn't understand why his daughter didn't have the kids in the normal way because she was missing out on a lot of fun by foregoing the opportunity to have sex with dozens of men, to produce 8 kids. He also noted that the men his daughter did not have sex with were deprived of a lot of fun, too. "It's a social waste," he opined, "and for what reasonable purpose? If I've told my daughter once, I've told her a dozen times, 'Go out there in the streets and have fun making these babies, and make a lot of good men sleep better.'"

Toilets Torched By Arsonists

Original Unburned Toilet

San Francisco February 3, 2009 AP

Construction workers are anxious and investigators are puzzled. Someone has been sending San Francisco's portable toilets up in flames in a wave of potty pyromania.

"I'm scared" said a burly construction worker, "I go in one of those toilets every day for my afternoon constitutional. I don't want to go up in a fiery ball of poop."

In some instances workers were avoiding using the portable toilets and sneaking behind buildings to relieve themselves.

"It's an outrage," said Scott Johnson, a 57-year-old contractor who has been working on apartment building renovations on Russian Hill, the elegant neighborhood that is home to famously crooked Lombard Street and has had most of the fires. (Editor's note: Mr. Johnson was mistakenly quoted in another news story about an Australian man smuggling pigeons in his pants.)

Since November, at least 20 of the ubiquitous construction site toilets have been set afire in the city, creating a trail of malodorous wreckage and causing an estimated $50,000 in property damage, according to fire officials.

Investigators have little to go on other than splatterings of mixed poop on walls, streets and on stray dogs. Most of the fires have been set at night, although one portable potty burst into flames during a recent afternoon. Several nearby workers were given the rest of the day off, to go home and shower.

"Somebody's getting very bold," said Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge. It's not unheard of for vandals to strike the portable restrooms but "this is unusual," she said.

Contractors have been trying to foil the attacks by securing or camouflaging their industrial outhouses. A walk around Russian Hill last week found almost none of the familiar bright blue toilets, save for one lashed to a large metal trash bin and another tucked discreetly behind folds of black material.

Theories vary on who is responsible.

"Kids would be my guess," said Johnson. Another person, who wished to remain anonymous, believed the anti- same sex marriage people were involved. "They don't want people of the same sex to use the same toilet." said the anonymous paranoid.

Alex Rodriguez, president of Concord-based Far West Sanitation & Storage Containers, thinks whoever is doing it is motivated by the thrill of lawlessness, "trying to play catch-and-seek with the police." His company has lost a couple of units to the restroom arson.

The loss of a portable toilet can amount to several hundred dollars.

Plus, there is the unenviable job of cleaning up a disgusting mess, and there is the threat that a fire could spread.

"It kind of worries me and worries everybody that I talk to," Rodriguez said. "These people, I don't think they're criminals, but they are kind of out of their minds to do that.

"Birdman of Alcat.....oops, ......Australia?"

(AP Photo/Australian Customs Service, HO)

February 3, 2009 Melbourne, Australia CP

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East, customs officials said Tuesday. The 23-year-old man was searched after authorities discovered two eggs in a vitamin container in his luggage, said Richard Janeczko, national investigations manager for the Customs Service

They found the pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to each of the man's legs with a pair of tights, according to a statement released by the agency. Officials also seized seeds in his money belt and an undeclared eggplant.

The alleged bird smuggler, who arrived in Melbourne on Sunday on a flight from Dubai, was being questioned.

Australia has very strict quarantine regulations on the importation of wildlife, plants and food to protect health, agriculture and the environment of the isolated island nation.

Janeczko said the pigeons were not endangered and that the case _ as well as the birds, eggs and seeds _ had been turned over to the Quarantine Service to assess the health risk associated with bringing the birds into the country.

It was not immediately clear why the man was attempting to smuggle two ordinary pigeons, which can be found in any Australian town, into the country. The pigeons can be bought for $10 AUS a pair in any pet shop.

Charges of wildlife smuggling _ which carry a maximum penalty of 10 years imprisonment and a fine of 110,000 Australian dollars ($70,430) _ could be brought against the man.

The Quarantine Service would not comment on the continuing investigation.

"It's an outrage," said Scott Johnson, a 57-year-old contractor from San Francisco who has no connection with this incident or Australia and should not have been quoted here. Sorry.

In a Feb. 1, 2009 photo (see above) released by the Australian Customs Service, the legs of the Australian man caught with his pants full of pigeons on arrival on an international flight from Dubai to Melbourne, Australia, are shown. Police were asking anyone who recognized the legs to contact them. The 23-year-old man arrived in Melbourne on Sunday, Feb. 1, 2009 and was questioned by Customs officials after two eggs and some seeds were found in a vitamin container in his luggage. A search of his body found the live pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to the man's legs with a pair of tights.

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' OR HALLUCINATIN' ?

(Sample of six other children - not the children of the woman mentioned in the story.)

February 1, 2009 UPP

A California woman who already has six children, gave birth to octuplets two days ago, giving her a total of 14 young children. The woman, who has never been married has been diagnosed with obsessive foetal-hogging syndrome, an extremely rare (she is the only observed case) mental illness which causes her to be obsessed with the concept of having babies.

All of her previous children were by en vitro fertilization and none of the children have legal fathers. When asked by reporters if she now was satisfied with fourteen children, the woman said, "Oh, no. I'd like to set a world record. I'd like to birth 100 babies." When told that would not be biologically possible, she replied, "It is if I have them eight at a time."

The woman's mother, who agreed to speak to reporters only on condition of maternity, said her daughter had been "obsessed" with the idea of having babies since she was a young girl. "She owned more than 50 dolls and would spend hours grooming each of the dolls," accordings to the woman's mother. "When I tell people I have 14 grandchildren but only one child who has never been married they look at me strangely and try to leave as soon as possible."

Lunch At Upscale Australian Hotel Turns Shitty

(Sample poop - not the actual dollop originally served Mrs. Whyte)

Sydney, October 26, 2008...3:54 am
Coogee Bay Hotel Is In A Whole Lot Of Sh*t!

How much would you want for eating someone else’s shit? Seems Coogee Bay Hotel reckons $5,000 should do it! Jessica Whyte’s thinking was more like $1 million after she was served up human feces on her ice cream. Mrs. Whyte and her husband thought they would go to the iconic Coogee Hotel with their kids for a light lunch. All was going well, until Mrs Whyte scooped up what she thought was a dollop of chocolate (see photo) on top of her ice cream and put it in her mouth. From there, it all just went rapidly down hill. The moment the spoon touched her lips she knew. The smell was evidently horrific. After she let her friend have a whiff, she screamed “Oh my god, they’ve served you s***.”

The Whytes alleged that someone in the hotel had defecated on their food. They confronted staff about the offending ice cream before taking the evidence down to the local police station. From there it was submitted to the Health Department, which confirmed their worst fears, “the sample has an offensive odour and physical properties similar to human excreta”. The hotel offered the family $5,000! But the Whytes countered for a great deal more. Mr. Whyte believes the incident was a deliberate act of retaliation after he fought with the staff over ice creams he originally bought in the venue for his children, and for complaints they made about the loud music.

The hotel claims that if “the incident did happen as claimed, then it may well have been an act of industrial sabotage — with the hotel as a victim alongside your family” (yeah, but no one from the hotel ate shit, did they?). This incident is wrong on so many levels.

(Follow up to this story in December, 2008, revealed that DNA testing of the ice cream topping determined the poop in question was supplied by a female. But the sample was not large enough to trace it to any one individual. The Hotel ultimately settled the whole shitty matter with Mrs. Whyte for a reported $50,000.)

Mrs. Whyte declined to answer a reporter's question whether or not she thought the $50,000 had helped alleviate any bad taste left by the incident. She terminated the interview abruptly.