Free Flight to United States Exhausts Ethiopian Man

Might Not be Ethiopian

Lost Passenger found among baggage at D.C. airport

CHANTILLY, Virginia 6/8/09 (BP) — Federal authorities say they discovered an Ethiopian man who arrived at Dulles International Airport near Washington, D.C. in the cargo hold of a flight from Addis Ababba, Ethiopia.

A man who identified himself only as someone not authorized to speak about the incident because he had no knowledge of the incident, said airline authorities do not know how the unidentified passenger was misdirected to or accidentally wandered into the cargo area where crates, boxes and other cargo were waiting to to be loaded onto the aircraft. He apparently sat down to rest in the middle of some boxes of a rare Ethiopean banana used by scientists in the race for a cure for common acne, stacked on a wooden pallet, and fell asleep. He didn't wake up until the aircraft was in the air and he felt great pressure in his ears, causing both of them to burst.

Airport officials, who interrupted the interview to inform reporters the man speaking to them was some wacko who had a reputation for giving impromptu interviews to reporters on subjects he knew nothing about, said everything appearing in the above paragraph could be disregarded.

We decided to leave the paragraph as is because the report given by airport officials was identical to that provided by the unidentified man, who by then had left. According to the airport officials, who refused to identify themselves because they, too, were unauthorized to speak about the incident, the man spoke only in untelligible gurgles and was unable to listen to their questions in various languages because he had lost all hearing. Another official disputed their statement and said due to the long duration of the flight, at extremely high and dry altitudes, the man was dehydrated and unable to speak in other than gurgles because his larnyx was swollen to such a degree that his throat was almost closed.

Authorities were reluctant to offer the man water, for fear it might cause him intestinal upset because the water used in drinking fountains at the airport came from runway run-off and contained dangerous chemicals. "We'd rather have him alive and not speaking than dead and not speaking," said one official, who quickly corrected herself and said she guessed it really didn't matter if he were not speaking, dead or alive. The woman, a tall blonde, left to get her nails manicured.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection spokesman Edgar Gogglesbie said ground personnel at Dulles International Airport were pulling baggage from Ethiopian Airlines Flight 500 when they noticed an arm sticking out. It turned out to be attached to the man.

Gogglesbie said it was determined that the man was Ethiopean because he was on a flight from Addis Ababba and he is black. "We certainly know he's not Canadian," said the official. There was an immediate protest lodged by the American Black Canadians Association (ABCA) which called the determination racial profiling and urged the firing of U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Gaithner.

Meanwhile, the man, or whatever you wanna call him, was exhausted and dehydrated. He was taken to Reston Hospital Center and is now being held at a federal detention center. He is not believed to be a security threat (he has only the clothes on his back and a pair of sandals made from old automobile tires) so he will be deported to any country that will take him. "We'll give him a change of clothes and $5.00 U.S. and he should be okay," said Secretary Gaithnert, who heard about the incident on the morning radio news and wanted to exercize his authority.

Sylvana Mangana in Turin, Italy