Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Just In From the New Bizarre Products Division of BizarreStuff

Old-fashioned, indiscreet way; now there's GoGirl

Italian Sushi Bar in India's Taj Majal (Top Right)

Beach season is upon us and you are seriously gearing up by cutting out all fried foods, processed foods and the starchy's. It's been about a week and no cravings, you feel as though you are sailing along just fine, until you pass by Denny's. Ahh, the sweet smell of bacon on a Sunday morning. But, no, you are staying on track, passing right by... No worries, my friends, there are always bacon flavored substitues for the real thing! Why not try some J & D's Bacon flavored Lip Balm or better yet, Archie McPhee's bacon gumballs? Who knew there was bacon-y goodness in all forms??

Women, finally the product we have all been waiting for. The one that will change your hiking, camping and distance running adventures forever and help you stay hydrated like never before. GoGirl is the revolutionary new tool for women who desire a hygienic and discreet method of urination in all settings. Whizzy may have begun the trend of Female Urination Devices (FUDS) but GoGirl is here to end it! Out camping with a bunch of guys, after dark when big, hairy animals like bears and opossums prowl through the forest, in search of prey?

Not to worry. Standing around the campfire with eight horny men, all you have to do is slip your personal sized FUD in your jeans, allow the thin yellow tube to slide down the inner side of your thigh and calf, and let go, making sure the tip of the tube doesn't end up in your shoe. The pungent odor of the baked beans and weenies, heating over the campfire, will hide all traces of urine odor, while the heat of the fire will quickly dry the wet spot next to your shoe, or, you can kick dirt or sand over the spot, stomp on it and tell the guys you just dispatched a giant scorpion.

The manufacturer of GoGirl revealed that it hopes to have a companion tool out next year, for those times when woman like you just have to do number two. Tentatively named Dump Daisy, the product had to go back to the design lab for some minor tweaking of the exhaust system. In tests, the tiny fan motor that operates the odor exhaust system, was so strong that it actually dumped several smaller women on their derrierres. Fortunately, none of them was named Daisy.

Researchers were quick to point out that all the women chosen for testing were selected randomly, using the first and last pages of the Cleveland League of Women Voters phone directory. "It's just pure chance that we didn't get any women named Daisy in the sample," according to Edwin Straightshooter,(SS) Director of the George W. Bush Truth in Polling Center, in East Trenton, New Jersey.

"We used the double blind method to ensure accuracy. In this instance there were two blind women in the test group and both were blind in both eyes, making it in reality a double, double blind test. And it worked. Half the time we got it right, which is as close as that other organization of scientists get, the American Meteorological Association, or the other AMA," according to SS.

The Center's original purpose, and the explanation for its $400 billion endowment, was to determine why George W. Bush won both Presidential elections, when every major polling organization in the nation showed the former President losing by as much as 30 percentage points in every state except Rhode Island and Orange County, California. "If we can determine precisely how that occurred, we intend to make it the centerfold, sorry centerpiece, of all future Republican political campaigns," said Straightshooter.

Turning to other, important events in the news:

Recently, you have been fed up with your gym...weights are so boring and the motivation just isn't there. No problem, try out Gymbox where the weights are humans. YES, HUMANS. Their purpose is trifold really: motivation, humor AND strength. What more could you ask for from a box of polystyrofoam dummies?

Sleep on your side? Like Sushi? Unsure how these could be related? Achieve sweet slumber with the just releasewd edamame body pillow! Frankly, we're not sure how they could be related either, but if the manufacturer says so that's good enough for us. Buy one!

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