Barkley Blown: Cops Issue Citation

Charles Barkley's Oral Statements

Ex-NBA superstar told Arizona cops he was racing to get a "blow job"

DECEMBER 31--Following his arrest earlier today for drunk driving, Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had "given him a 'blow job' one week earlier," which the former NBA star described as "the best one he had ever had in his life." According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you won't find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. "You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," answered Barkley, who is pictured in the above mug shot. A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" if it would get him out of the DUI charge. Barkley, 45, was busted after failing field sobriety tests, and had blood drawn so investigators could establish his alcohol content. Barkley was cited for a misdemeanor charge and released at the scene, thus avoiding a trip to the Maricopa County jail. Barkley, now a basketball commentator on TNT, was elected to the NBA Hall of Fame in 2006. His 16-year career included an MVP award and a spot on the 1992 U.S. Olympic basketball squad, the so-called Dream Team that captured the gold medal. He has several prior arrests, including a 1997 aggravated battery bust and a 1991 assault collar. Barkley, ever the gentleman, declined to give the young woman's name, or phone number, who was the object of his affection.

Midnight Rambler III

As 2008 closes in for the final kill,(an estimated 2.5 million Americans cashed in their chips during 2008)and BizarreStuff completes its first quarter of bringing you all the bizarre news items we can scrounge up, including Onion rejects and even some stories the National Enquirer wouldn't touch, we are gratified by the knowledge that there are no more people named Bush on the political horizon of the U.S. Even Jeb Bush, the itinerant governor of Florida, has acknowledged that he is "just too dumb and too lazy" to run for President. "Just gettin' my dumb-ass brother in ahead of that limelight-hogging Al Gore, with the Supremes, nearly killed me. And have you seen Cruella de Ville recently? She makes the Wicked Witch of the East look like a Playboy centerfold."

In a recent interview, the soon to be ex-President, acknowledged that "that damned half-dead Terry Schiavo, who refused to speak up" had done more to tarnish his Presidency than 9/11, Mission Accomplished, those pesky, hidden WMDs, Clear Skies, Katrina and Social Security Reform combined. "Hell, I probably could have declared myself Emperor for Life if it hadn't been for her and her damned whining parents."

Well, speaking for myself and for all the people who make BizarreStuff as bizarre as it has to be, Merry New Year to all and to all a good flight. See ya in 2009.

Copycat Bank Robber Steals Technique From Earlier Heist But Overlooks Final Step

CHICAGO (AP) -- The robber's threatening note made a Chicago bank job easy to solve: The FBI says the suspect wrote it on his pay stub. An FBI affidavit said the man walked into a Fifth Third Bank on Friday and handed a teller a note that read ''Be Quick Be Quit (sic). Give your cash or I'll shoot.''

The robber got about $400 but left half of his note. Investigators found the other half outside the bank's front doors. Authorities say that part of the man's October pay stub had his name and address.

The suspect was arrested at his Cary home. At his arraignment the suspect said he learned how to rob a bank from a news story he read where an otherwise successful robber was nabbed when he wrote his demand note on the back of one of his own deposit slips. The suspect said he wasn't going to make that kind of dumb mistake, so he left his own checkbook and deposit slips at home when he went to the bank to cash his own paycheck. He decided to go ahead with the robbery since he was already there and had a great parking place just outside the bank's main entrance. "Everything just sort of came together and I knew it was now or never," according to the suspect.

A judge ordered him held without bond Monday pending a court psychologist's determination if the suspect qualifies for the Stupid Crooks School, an experimental Illinois state program to rehabilitate really stupid criminals. Jeffrey Murdoch, who designed the program said, "If we can get them in school before they commit a really, really stupid crime, like murder, or rape, or bicycle theft, we have a 50/50 chance of teaching them how to commit petty crimes without getting caught. That takes another potential criminal off the streets and out of the criminal justice system. Most people will overlook petty crime but strenuously object to being murdered or raped," said Murdoch.

"If convicted of bank robbery, the perp here faces 20 years in prison and then we are talking about big bucks," according to the court bailiff. "Banks are in the business of robbing people, and have federal or state charters authorizing them to do it. They get away with it because if they become insolvent, all their executives' golden parachutes have to be paid off with bailout funds provided by the people, which costs more than the comparatively few billions they steal," according to the bailiff, Jim Jones, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "It's a simple cost-benefit analysis. I took economics at Stanford before getting into bailiffing and those guys can turn a pig's ear into a silk purse. All you have to do is apply cost-benefit analysis."

Also contributing to this story: Ponce de Leon in Corral Gables, Fla.

Drinking - no sex, Carousing - no sex, Watching porn - no sex, Shooting Fireworks - no sex.....No sex - no men: Italian Women's Plan Backfires

ROME(AP) Some women in Naples said they won't make love if their men shoot off dangerous fireworks on New Year's Eve. "Se Spari, Niente Sesso" (If you shoot, no sex), as the reported group calls itself, claims to have signed up hundreds of women in the Naples area to combat celebrations that injure or maim hundreds each year.

Carolina Staiano, a mother of two, was quoted in La Stampa daily on Wednesday as saying she was inspired to create the group because her father was partially paralyzed in a fireworks accident.

Setting off fireworks, often homemade or illegally imported, remains popular in Italy and especially in Naples, even though accidents are frequent and sometimes deadly.

Staiano said that "there are other ways to celebrate." And if men don't get the message, women should "send them to sleep on the couch."

When interviewed by La Stampa and told of his wife's comments, Mr. Staiano began to smile and sing a few bars from a song popularized by the American group, the Eagles. "Well I'm already gone.....And then she'll have to eat her lunch all by herself."

Ball Breaking Oregon Grandma Puts Big Squeeze on Bumbling Rapist

PORTLAND, Ore.(AP) The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.

That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed. The man tore free and fled.

McRedmond said a county code enforcement officer who heard the police call on his radio spotted a car near the woman's house and passed on the license information to authorities.

Troutdale police arrested a 46-year-old man. He has been jailed on accusations of burglary, harassment and private indecency. Bail was set at $110,000.

Could It Be All the Detonators Are in Place or Was He Just Sick of Enchiladas?

By Osvaldo Barranquilla, Associated Press Hack

MEXICO CITY — It Ain't Easy Being Easy, or Ugly

A Japanese man who had been living in Terminal 1 of the Benito Juarez International Airport since Sept. 2 — for no apparent reason — left under equally mysterious circumstances.

Authorities searched the terminal for Hiroshi Nohara on Monday but he couldn't be found at his usual haunts, the baggage claim area and the food court, according to an airport official who was not allowed to be quoted by name, under penalty of death by firing squad. An enterprising news runner unearthed the cause of the extraordinary secrecy when it was determined from public records that the employee's full name is Mohammad al Queda Osama bin Laden Saddam Hussein al Marri Jimenez, known by his co-workers as Al.

A Mexico City newspaper ran shadowy, blurred photos of the scruffy Jap getting into a cab Sunday at the airport.

Nohara's three-month residency at the airport made him a local celebrity or a pariah, depending on who you asked, who was compared to a character portrayed by Tom Hanks in a lousy 2004 movie, whose title should be forgotten. But Tom Hanks is a professional actor and Nohara is only a scruffy Jap.

But there was another major distinction: Hanks was forced to stay at a New York City airport after war broke out in his Eastern European country and U.S. officials wouldn't let him in the U.S. or deport him, until he started to hit on female flight attendants who missed their flights because of a tryst with the actor in some dark corner of the airport. The Department of State offered to provide a permanent hooker for the airport sleazebag if he would leave the flight attendants alone, but he refused, claiming diplomatic impunity. The scruffy Jap never hit on any Mexican flight attendants. In hindsight, that's pretty easy to understand.

Also, by way of contrast, the scruffy Jap had a tourist visa that allows him to stay in Mexico — anywhere in Mexico, not just the airport — until early March. He also possessed a ticket home, on Jap Airlines.

The middle-aged scruffy looking Jap, whose age was unknown, spoke little Spanish and never did explain his motives for staying when asked by an interpreter hired by the television stations that documented his daily activities and tourists who asked for his autograph and posed with him for pictures.

It was reported that the scruffy Jap left Sunday with a gorgeous Mexican woman who had visited him at least twice at the airport where the pair was caught once trying to have sex on a baggage carousel. But no one is sure who she is.

The Japanese Embassy was closed Monday, and no one could be reached to ask if they had news of Nohara's whereabouts. In the past, the Japanese ambassador to Mexico has disassociated himself from the man he desribes as "just another scruffy Jap who doesn't want to work in virtual slavery for a fat, rich Jap."

When Jimenez, the airport employee's, full name was publicly disclosed, he immediately left his wife and fourteen children, to seek political asylum in the Embassy of Uzbekistan or Madagascar, whichever would take him. Citing concern for the safety of his wife and 14 children, 9 under the age of 4, Jimenez said it was a difficult decision to make but he thought it would be best for everyone if he left Mexico and got a vasectomy. When contacted for comment, Jimenez's common law wife had nothing to say because she is a quadraplegic deaf mute.

In explaining his own actions, Jimenez pointed out that the mother of his children was already a quadraplegic deaf mute when he met her so she was someone else's responsibility. When questioned about his children, Jimenez explained that it wasn't his fault that his wife had no arms or legs, which made it very easy to have sex with her because you could just roll her around like a beanbag, which led to the children, which got back to why she was responsible for the multiple pregnancies and needed to get a job. "She'd make some pimp a damn good hooker. Low maintenance," said Jimenez.

Cop Attacked by Wheelchair and Urine Bag Wielded by Quadraplegic

CINCINNATI(AP) A 45-year-old paraplegic rammed his wheelchair into an officer, threw urine from his catheter bag at a patrol car and spat at the officer, police said Sunday. Ralph Evegan was arrested on charges of assaulting a police officer, obstructing official business, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

Evegan's lawyer said the case is a misunderstanding, and that his client was just trying to break his fall after the officer threw him to the ground. Police said they originally had gone to Evegan's apartment to arrest him on an old disorderly conduct charge.

Hamilton County Municipal Judge Ted Berry ordered Evegan tested for diseases that can be transmitted by bodily fluid.

Does Keeping Your Legs Crossed Prevent Pregnancy? Surprising Results.

Shocking: "Keep Your Legs Crossed, Sluts" Sex-Ed Strategy Fails

Posted by Jill Filipovic, Think Progress at 8:41 AM on December 30, 2008.


The U.S. government has spent more than $1.5 billion on abstinence programs. What a terrible waste. Not only was the program a miserable failure, it prevented millions of horny teenagers from enjoying some of the most high quality sex they will ever have in their lives. A newly formed group of angry, celibate young people is demanding reparations from the federal government for falsely inducing them to believe that "just not doing it" was best and they would be helping their country.

"I saved my virginity until I was 21 years-old," said Loretta Smith, of Kew Gardens, N.Y., who joined the Bush-Republican pledge of abstinence when she was 16. "And for what? That's five miserable years of needless celibacy when I could easily have enjoyed hot, raunchy sex at least 1400 times. Because I'm multi-orgasmic that translates into 4000 missed orgasms, which now are irretrievably lost. And that affects 1400 partners as well who were blameless."

Using the figure of $200 a trick for an average hooker, Ms. Smith, shown above, and her attorney, Carolyn Gotones, claim the federal government owes her a minimum of $280,000 in lost opportunity costs. A spokespimp for the National Association of Latino Pimps (NALP)agreed with Ms. Smith's numbers and pointed out that most pimps take at least 50% of their own prostitute's fees. Such losses in pimp income have a ripple effect as the demand for pork pie hats, gold bracelets, and pointy toed black, patent leather shoes falls.

Teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence and are significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control when they do, according to a study released today.

The new analysis of data from a large federal survey found that more than half of youths became sexually active before marriage regardless of whether they had taken a "virginity pledge," but that the percentage who took precautions against pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases was 10 points lower for pledgers than for non-pledgers.

A critic of the study and of abstinence, pointed out that the failure to use contraceptives among the virginity freaks was just another example that they were stupid to ever agree to the no sex pledge so it was to be expected that they wouldn't think about rubbers when they decided to break the pledge and do what felt right.

I suppose abstinence-only education has one thing going for it: It threatens that sex will bring disease and unwanted pregnancy, and for abstinence-pledgers, that threat is more likely to be realized. Now that is one of the dumbest statements I ever read. Nine out of ten U.S. teenagers do not want to contract syphillis, herpes, AIDS or any other sexually transmitted disease. I had a dose of the clap once, as a teenager, and believe me it was no bed of roses.

The U.S. government, as noted, under the guidance of George W. Bush, who himself never practiced abstinence, has spent more than $1.5 billion on abstinence programs. A lot of that money goes to local anti-choice and religious groups, which provide curriculum telling students that sex tears the petals off of their beautiful roses and that AIDS is spread by sweat and tears. What petals? The average teenager has genitals that are as ugly as adults and they sure don't smell like roses. Let’s hope Obama cuts off that gravy train quickly. We need more young men and women getting a head start in unregulated, federally subsidized sex if we are to continue to lead the world in unprotected sex and STDs.

No littering or loitering; keep the savannah pristine.

Click on Photo to Enlarge
AP: 12/28/08
Khartoum, Sudan

An unidentified Alaskan woman was warned to flee just in time when a companion noticed a lioness stalking her. The woman had been warned not to dismount the safari Land Rover in which she was being transported but stated, “I’ve gotta go, big time, and I’m familiar with the wilderness and wild game. When you’ve seen one bush you’ve seen ‘em all.”

The woman, reportedly from Wasilla and Anchorage, AK, was said to have extensive experience in the Alaskan wilderness but was primarily trained to shoot wolves from a helicopter with high-powered rifles. This was her first visit to Africa.

The woman had been warned by authorities that going into the African bush was not the same as shooting wolves or moose in Alaska. The big cats, especially, are extremely dangerous, and are attracted by the scent of human dung.

The woman, who refused to give her name, also declined the photographer’s offer to be photographed in a less compromising position for this story, explaining that she had left all her cosmetics in Alaska and hadn’t even brought any bright red lip gloss. "Im not going to have my ass photographed without it being made up first and I don't see any beauty salons around here," the woman commented.

Amidst all the confusion, a local game warden managed to sneak up behind the woman and strategically place a citation on her rump,for unlawfully defecating in the savannah, a class C misdemeanor, usually carrying a fine of 20 Krugerand. There was a public loo about 20 Km ahead.

Enzio Ponzi contributed to this story from Milan, Italy but no one knows why or what he was contributing since he remained in Milan during the entire time the story took place.

Senator Larry Craig Memorial Toilet Stall Stalled

Sen. Craig restroom tanking as tourist destination
Published - Dec 28 2008 08:00PM CST | AP

The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Republican Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting is losing it's appeal as a tourist stop, an official said. For several months after the incident, long lines formed for an opportunity to use the stall. Some just wanted to sit on the same toilet seat as the Senator while others wanted to try out their own toe tapping skills.

"We're getting there," said Patrick Hogan, director of public affairs for the Metropolitan Airports Commission. "I think we'll all be glad when there's no special interest in that restroom." But the Minneapolis-St. Paul chapter of the National Gay Lesbian, Bisexual, Transvestite Alliance had urged the airport authority to permit the organization to place a discreet brass plaque on the stall door to commemorate the occasion and honor Senator Craig and his anonymous next stall
neighbor and friend.

Craig was accused of soliciting sex in the bathroom in June 2007 and pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in August 2007.

One person had offered to buy the restroom stall for $5,000, Hogan said, but airport officials "don't sell fixtures for novelty purposes."

Though tourist interest has withered, the surge of publicity from Craig's arrest helped end the type of activity in the restroom that had prompted lewd-conduct complaints, he said.

Plans to modify the restroom to prevent occupants from passing signals were scrapped because complaints dropped.

"It is the busiest restroom at Minneapolis-St. Paul International," Hogan told The Spokesman-Review. "It's right in the middle of our main thoroughfare."

Craig _ who has maintained his innocence and heterosexuality _ has said he only pleaded guilty to keep the embarrassing situation quiet. He attempted to withdraw his guilty plea but the Minnesota Court of Appeals earlier this month rejected the appeal.

Craig, who said he was considering another appeal, did not seek re-election in last month's election for the seat he has held for 18 years. He will be replaced in January by Idaho Lt. Gov. Jim Risch, a Republican.

I SAID, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I CAME TO SEE THE MOVIE.

Police: Pa. man shot for making noise during movie
Published - Dec 27 2008 09:36PM CST | AP
By MARYCLAIRE DALE - Associated Press Writer

A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theater on Christmas night shot the father of the family in the arm, police said.

James Joseph Cialella, 29, of Philadelphia, faces six charges that include attempted murder and aggravated assault. He remained in custody Saturday.

Police said Cialella told the man's family to be quiet, then threw popcorn at the man's son. The victim, whom television reports identified as Woffard Lomax, told police that Cialella was walking toward his family when he stood up and was shot.

Detectives called to the United Artists Riverview Stadium theater in South Philadelphia found Cialella carrying the weapon, a .380-caliber handgun, in his waistband, police said.

Lt. Frank Vanore called the incident "scary that it gets to that level of violence from being too noisy during a movie."

Lomax, 31, of Yeadon, was released from a hospital after the shooting. He declined to comment when contacted by phone Saturday.

It was not immediately known whether Cialella had a lawyer or whether bail had been set. A woman who answered a call to his home number Saturday declined to comment.

A theater manager referred calls to Regal Entertainment Group spokesman Dick Westerling, who did not immediately return a phone message Saturday.

Police could not confirm what movie was playing in the theater, but The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that it was "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."

Mapping the Female Brain

December 27, 2008
Los Angeles

Recent Developments in the Cognitive Mapping of the Female Brain

It has long been suspected by neuroscientists that the connections, linkages, synapses, and overall structure of the female brain are more complex than those of the male brain. Laboratories around the country have been humming for months as the sense that something big is just over the horizon and is ready to coalesce at any time; therefore, all scientific laborotaries involved in brain research are vying to be the first to produce a complete schematic of the female brain.

One such schematic already had been tentively prepared at the Lawrence Livermore reseach facilities by the sea in Tajiti. However, the scattered nature of the points on the graph made it impossible to reproduce here. We will continue to try.

U.S. Poised to Become World's Leading Exporter of Fuel

December 26, 2008 4:05 PM

In an astonishing break-thru, authorities today announced that not only can America's dependence on imported oil be eliminated but the U.S. can become the world's leading exporter of energy while simultaneously improving the health of millions of Americans. Christian Evangelicals immediately expressed concerns about bio-ethical issues in the use of human body parts to fuel cars, trucks airliners, backyard barbecues or death dealing rockets. But the vast majority of world leaders, with the exception of Kim Jong II who is negotiating to buy or lease almost one-half of Madagascar to do something dangeous to everyone else, welcomed the new technology as the ideal way to reduce American influence, reduce Americans and ease tensions in the growing rift between the "obese" world and the "skin and bones" world. A Hollywood sci-fi film maker was quoted as saying: "This is the biggest thing since soylent green. Can you imagine 100s of millions of starving people lining up to get their share of fat Americans?"

In loosely regulated international markets it is inevitable that some fat Americans will be diverted to alternate uses and could even be resold to the same individuals from whom the fat was harvested originally. A leading Egyptian anthropologist raised the specter of possible self-cannibalization as an overweight American dining in an upscale restaurant in Addis Ababa could literally be eating part of his former self.

Not everyone was equally enthused, however. A group of U.S. Marines, interviewed on shore leave in Tel Aviv, expressed concern that in the near term they could be eating some of their fellow troops. "That really sucks," said one American marine, "now they are gonna expect me to eat the ass of my tail gunner?"


Plastic Surgeon Fuels Cars with Human Flab

Posted by Joshua Holland, AlterNet at 1:05 AM on December 26, 2008.

Until his clinic was raided by health authorities and he skeedaddled to Latin america.


OK, this is just bizarre:

A leading Beverly Hills plastic surgeon claims to have found an environmentally friendly way to combine two of America's great obsessions – after converting his 4x4 to run on fat removed from clients during liposuction operations.

Dr Bittner made his claim in a posting on the internet site lipodiesel.com, adding that he has performed roughly 7,000 liposuction operations, and that a gallon of human fat will produce roughly the same quantity of biofuel.

Alan Bittner, who founded a high-profile clinic on Rodeo Drive, the Bond Street of Los Angeles, claims to be able to power both his Ford Explorer and his girlfriend's Lincoln Navigator on biofuel converted from excess flesh from human tums, bums and thighs. "The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel – and I have more fat than I can use," he says. "Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly, but they get to take part in saving the Earth."

Scientists say there is no reason why human fat cannot be turned into biofuel, since it contains triglycerides which are no different from those found in waste animal fats that are already being used for the same purpose. However the discovery left medical regulators unimpressed. Using human medical waste to power vehicles (or indeed for any other commercial purpose) is largely illegal, and Dr Bittner's clinic has been raided by California Health Department officials. The magazine Forbes says that Dr Bittner's ability to create what he calls "lipodiesel" first came to light in lawsuits filed by several former patients, who recently accused him of allowing his girlfriend and assistant, who were both unlicensed, to carry out intricate operations.

Can't make shit like this up.

(Editor's comment: I can.)

Hi, Mom ---Wadaya think about my new wheels?

SOUTH SALT LAKE, Utah(AP) What kind of mileage does that thing get? Police in South Salt Lake, Utah, have arrested a man they say tried to steal a fire truck so he could drive home _ to Washington _ for Christmas.

Detective Gary Keller says firefighters on a medical call heard the $500,000 truck's air horn blaring Monday and ran outside. They found a man in the driver's seat trying to drive away.

After a lengthy struggle, firefighters were finally able to subdue the man until police arrived.

Police say the 25-year-old man told them he wanted to go to Washington to see his mother for Christmas.

What Happens When Your Looks Go

BERLIN(AP) A man jumped into the Berlin zoo enclosure of famed polar bear Knut on Monday, but officials were able to keep the animal away from the intruder by distracting him with a leg of beef, police said. The 37-year-old man jumped over a fence into a water-filled ditch at the edge of the bear's enclosure Monday morning, police said in a statement.

Zoo keepers, who had just let Knut into his outdoor enclosure, were able to lure the bear back into his cage by producing a leg of beef.

Police said the man, a German, was less cooperative, initially ignoring instructions to leave the enclosure. He was led away unharmed but, although he was soaked and cold, he refused to undergo a medical checkup.

Police said that, before being let go, the man told them that he felt lonely and the bear appeared lonely, too.

Knut, now age 2, was hand-raised after his mother rejected him at birth. He rose to stardom early last year as a cute white ball of fluff, but has since grown rapidly into a hulking 440-pound (200-kilogram) predator.

It has been reported, recently, that Knut, although he raised more than $5 million Euros for the world famous Berlin Zoo last year, was losing his popularity because he..well...looks like a full grown bear. Knut's penchant for rolling in fresh mud hasn't helped because zoo goers are exptecting to see a white bear.

A spokesperson for the German National Union of Socialist Bears (GNUSB)called for an investigation of the Zoo and its use of enslaved animals for entertainment and profit, in violation of the Geneva Conventions. Kurt Zugerschultz, a zookeeper at the Berlin facility for 92 years, was unable to recall what he wanted to say. Knut himself, was unavalible to comment according to his publicist, Olga Shearingrass. "Knut is bigger than the Berlin Zoo, bigger than Berlin, and bigger than Weinersnitzel.

Extreme Caution Urged by Surgeon When Putting Foot in Mouth

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: December 18, 2008
Filed at 11:48 a.m. ET

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) -- A pediatric neurosurgeon says a tumor he removed from the brain of a Colorado Springs infant contained a tiny foot and other partially formed body parts.

Dr. Paul Grabb said he operated on Sam Esquibel at Memorial Hospital for Children after an MRI showed a tumor on the newborn's brain. Sam was 3 days old and otherwise healthy.

Grabb said that while removing the growth, he discovered it contained a nearly perfect foot and the formation of another foot, a hand and a thigh.

''It looked like the breech delivery of a baby, coming out of the brain,'' Grabb said. ''To find a perfectly formed structure (like this) is extremely unique, unusual, borderline unheard of.''

Grabb isn't sure what caused the growth but says it may have been a type of congenital brain tumor. However, such tumors usually are less complex than a foot or hand, he said.

The growth may also have been a case of ''fetus in fetu'' -- in which a fetal twin begins to form within another -- but such cases very rarely occur in the brain, Grabb said.

Sam's parents, Tiffnie and Manuel Esquibel, said their son is at home now but faces monthly blood tests to check for signs of cancer or regrowth, along with physical therapy to improve the use of his neck. But they say he has mostly recovered from the Oct. 3 surgery.

''You'd never know if he didn't have a scar there,'' Tiffnie Esquibel said.

Hospital staff wondered if there would be an additional charge for the delivery of the fetus, enfant, tumor or whatever the thing is ultimately determined to be. Assistant insurance claims clerk, Wanda Wherewithal, speaking on condition of not being taken seriously, said her experience with claims of this sort was that the insurance company would make a great public show of paying all expenses, but then nickle and dime the parents with bogus deductions for "thinking about the matter," or for "addition and subtraction" charges until the Esquibels were forced into bankruptcy and their son declared a ward of the state and confined for life in a federal facility adjacent to the planned national nuclear waste disposal site at Yucca Mountain, Nevada. When asked to comment, the tumor's court appointed attorney said, "What? What hearing? I was trout fishing in Colorado. But from what you'ved told me it sounds like a pretty good deal for the kid."

"I lost my heart in San Fran....a carwash?

PAW PAW, Mich.(AP) Pathologists who examined a heart found this week at a southwestern Michigan car wash still haven't determined whether it came from a human or an animal. They plan to submit the organ for DNA testing in an effort to find out once and for all. The owner of Soapy's Car Wash in Paw Paw discovered the heart Monday on the floor of a manual car wash bay.

In a photograph released by the police (see inset above) it did not appear very difficult to determine what kind of heart it is. It is clearly labeled and came from an English speaking person named Adam.

A police spokesperson, Betty Braveheart, told reporters that the police already had received 10-12 calls from individuals asking for a description of the heart because they had recently lost their own hearts. Police decided to release a photo of the heart to assist anyone who might know the heart's owner or have knowledge of how and why the heart was left in a carwash. "It's a little spooky when you think about it," said Braveheart, who acknowledged having lost her own heart several years ago, to an underage Mexican scuba diving instructor. "He was gorgeous," said Braveheart, "and we made mad, passionate love, on the beach, in a hammock, in a pink jeep, in a church, in a booth in a bar, and on the steps of city hall, but my heart never physically left my body."

Local doctors said the lost heart is about the size of a human heart, but they couldn't tell for sure whether it actually came from a person.

Paw Paw Police Chief Patrick Alspaugh told the Kalamazoo Gazette more may be known about the heart within a week or two from the pathologists at Sparrow Hospital in Lansing. "If we've got someone running around Paw Paw without a heart, we'd like to get their heart back to them as quickly as possible," said the chief.

Midnight Rambler II

It's not midnight and I'm not doing much rambling because I'm house and dog sitting whilst Bobbie, my partner, rambled off with one of her daughters and a granddaughter, to visit another daughter and her partner, T.J. in the buzzing metropolis of Granbury, Texas. For those of you not familiar with Granbury you haven't missed much.

But the big news today once again comes from the backwoods of Alaska, where former V.P. candidate, bible thumping, tough talking, wolf killing, expense padding, cosmetics queen, holier than thou Sarah Palin and her family and friends once again show America the true meaning of family values, and the Christian spirit.

Sarah, who only recently made similar headlines when she was photographed shitting in the woods (savanna, actually) in Africa, got the cheerful news that her soon to be in-law and God fearing mother of that wholesome young man who knocked up Sarah's teenage daughter, was arrested and charged with seven counts of narcotics violations. Good family values, you know, Christian woman, honest and dumb as a hunk of asphalt. So it would appear that Sarah's dream of becoming the first female leader of the free world, masquerading as President of the U.S., suffered a major set-back.

So it goes.

Rabbit Stew?

WHEATON, Ill.(AP) It's Christmastime, not Easter, but the DuPage County Animal Care and Control Center in Wheaton has some rabbits available for adoption _ 69 of them, to be exact. All of them were found recently in a one-bedroom apartment.

Officials said the domesticated Dutch rabbits were discovered during a recent eviction, and the female tenant told animal control workers her financial situation had overwhelmed her.

Authorities would not identify the woman nor the location of her apartment.

Center executive director Kerry Vinkler called it a typical pet-hoarding situation, but she said all the rabbits but one were in good shape when they were found.

Vinkler estimates the oldest rabbits to be about 18 months old and said Dutch rabbits have a life span of eight to 12 years.

Cat Tongue Soup and Fricassed Dog Ribs?

Pet lovers protest cats on the menu in China
Published - Dec 18 2008 02:41PM CST | AP
By WILLIAM FOREMAN - Associated Press Writer

Lai Xiaoyu, who was involved in the attempted "rescue," said authorities couldn't stop the cat shipment because the traders said the animals were to be raised as pets.

"The police did what they could, but there's little they can do to stop or punish those traders from shipping live animals," Lai said.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, issued a statement Thursday decrying the cruel treatment.

"China has no animal protection laws, and throughout the country scores of cats and dogs are bred or rounded up, crammed onto trucks and driven for days under hellish conditions to animal markets, where they are beaten to death, strangled or boiled alive," said a spokesman for the group, Michael V. McGraw.

Guangdong is home to the Cantonese people, famous for being the most adventurous eaters in China. There's a popular saying: "The Cantonese will eat anything that flies, except airplanes, and anything with legs, except a chair."

Zhu Huilian, a nutrition and food safety professor at Sun Yat-Sen University in Guangdong's capital, Guangzhou, said people usually eat cat in restaurants, not at home.

"There's a famous soup called 'Dragon, Tiger and Phoenix,'" Zhu said. "It involves cooking snake, cat and chicken together. In winter more people eat cats as they believe it's extra nutritious."

The wide-ranging Cantonese culinary tastes are on display daily in Guangzhou, also known as Canton, in the Qing Ping Market. Shopkeepers sit behind cages full of writhing snakes, tubs with turtles and plastic basins with mounds of scorpions crawling over each other.

That's where the butcher, Huang, sells her meat, sliced on a blood-soaked cutting board in a stall filled with cages of chickens and rabbits.

Hanging on a hook from its head _ with its snout cut cleanly off _ was a skinned dog with a long curly tail, paws with small clumps of fur still on them and black claws. The dog's jaw bone was displayed in a metal tray beneath the carcass.

EMERGENCY ALERT ! EMERGENCY ALERT !

Graywolf and I are urging all our friends, supportors and animal rights activists to join in a final push to stop the Bush Administration from removing the Graywolf from the Endangered Species List. Many of you are aware of the tragic history of the graywolf in America, when it was hunted to virtual extinction, surviving only in Canada. In the mid 90's a program to repatriate the graywolf to the American Northwest was instituted and the results have been spectacular. But President Bush, the lame duck curmudgeon, now seeks to reverse these gains. Tell your Congressional representatives to stop the President's last minute, underhanded attempt to re-endanger the noble American graywolf.


New Debate on Wolf's 'Endangered' Label
Government Will Try Again to Take Northern Rockies Species Off Protected List



By Joel Achenbach
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, October 25, 2008; Page A06

The Bush administration is trying again to take the gray wolf of the northern Rockies off the federal endangered species list.

This Story
Watching Yellowstone's Wolves
New Debate on Wolf's 'Endangered' Label
Having lost in court this summer in a legal battle with conservationists, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has decided to reopen for public comment its 2007 proposal to delist the wolves.

"The position of the service is, we think the wolves no longer need the protection of the Endangered Species Act. We're asking the public to weigh in to that," Ed Bangs, wolf recovery coordinator for Fish and Wildlife, said in an interview yesterday.

Wolf advocates immediately protested.

"This is the Bush administration's last-gasp attempt to remove protections for wolves," said Louisa Wilcox, a senior wildlife advocate for the Natural Resources Defense Council in Livingston, Mont.


"It looks like they're launching an all-out run to ram the same flawed package back through," said Jamie Rappaport Clark, executive vice president of Defenders of Wildlife and a director of Fish and Wildlife during the second Clinton administration.

Bangs said the government will open a comment period on Tuesday, lasting until Nov. 28. After that, officials could swiftly decide to remove federal protections for the wolves in much of the northern Rockies and turn management of the species over to the states. The Endangered Species Act provides that, once a species has recovered, states take control of its management.

The previous attempt to delist the wolves led a coalition of conservation organizations to file suit in federal court. In July, U.S. District Judge Donald W. Molloy ruled in their favor, issuing an injunction that put the wolves back under federal protection pending a final resolution of the suit.

In his lengthy opinion, Molloy said Wyoming's wolf-management plan -- which would allow the predators to be shot on sight in 88 percent of the state -- would put the wolf population there in jeopardy. Molloy wrote that the federal government's decision to sign off on the Wyoming plan was "arbitrary and capricious." He also said there has not been genetic exchange between isolated subpopulations of wolves, something important for the species's long-term survival.

Fish and Wildlife withdrew its proposal, and now the agency is trying again.

"We're particularly interested in comments related to the court action," Bangs said. One possibility, he said, is that the wolves could be delisted everywhere but Wyoming.

Bangs, who is not a political appointee, said, "We'll take whatever time we need to do a good science-based decision."

"We usually don't promise litigation, but I think in this instance, if they propose the same old, tired rule, we'll be left with no choice but to litigate," said Jenny Harbine, a lawyer with Earthjustice, a plaintiff in the earlier lawsuit.

Women Fail in Attempt to Use Flawed Internet Armed Robbery Guide

How To Get Busted In One Easy Download

Cops: Suspects printed out armed robbery blueprint from Internet

DECEMBER 12--After a trio of Ohio women was busted earlier this week following a botched robbery attempt, cops searched the group's getaway car and discovered printed instructions downloaded from the Internet that detailed "How To Commit Armed Robbery In Six Easy Steps." The seized instructions, a copy of which is displayed above, were printed Monday morning at 10:16, about 11 hours before the women sought to hold up the Dollar Tree store in Bedford Heights. When a manager claimed that she could not open the store safe, the alleged robbers--Jocelyn Addison, 19; Nia McBrayer, 21; and Jenniffer Watson, 18--departed empty-handed. Though the downloaded robbery guide did not appear to be very professional, the suspects, who did not appear to be very smart, had masks, a plan, and a bb gun, and apparently followed some of its suggestions. According to a December 8 Bedford Police Department report, Addison, McBrayer, and Watson were apprehended in a vehicle about a mile from the convenience store. Each woman was charged with robbery.

(View each page separately, starting from bottom to top, by clicking on the image to enlarge.)

Craigslist Crossdresser Busted For Crossing the Line

"Dragged" To Jail

Prostitution sting nets self-described "passable crossdresser"

SEPTEMBER 26--Meet Peter Abramczyk. The Connecticut man, 39, was arrested yesterday in an undercover prostitution sting that was prompted by a Craigslist ad reporting the availability of a "passable crossdresser." Abramczyk, pictured in the mug shot, was busted in his hotel room on a misdemeanor prostitution count after allegedly agreeing to "meet an undercover police officer to engage in a sex act for money," according to a release issued by the Concord (N.H.) Police Department. Abramczyk's Craigslist ad, a copy of which you'll find here, noted that he was 30 and enjoyed wearing short skirts and "shiney Hooter girl pantyhose, thongs, and heels with straps." The ad was signed "Val." According to the police press release, Abramczyk is free on $500 bond and scheduled for arraignment next month in District Court.

Wolf On the Run

Hi all readers,

In the belief that one or two of you might like to know what I look like on the run, I'm attaching another photo of myself, as a wolf, when I recently fled my den in Yellowstone, to lurk for a short while on the Canadian border. President Bush, for reasons unknown to me, but probably because of pressure he's getting from the American Cattle Growers Association, is attempting to have me and my ilk removed from the endangered species list. If that happens, I'll most likely have to return to Canada or spend most of my life on the run, dodging rifle bullets.

What makes this so bizarre is that only recently, around 1995-96, my immedate ancestors were repatriated to our native home and rangeland in Montana, Wyoming and parts of Idaho. That, of course, occurred during the more benevolent years of the Clinton administration.

I'm actually a native born, American gray wolf, born to a pair of the original, Canadian,repatriated wolves. As such, I am entitled to U.S. citizenship and presumably would be eligible to serve as President of the U.S., if and when all animals win the right to hold public office in the U.S. Because I already am seven years-old, with an average life expectancy of between 6 and 10 years at birth, and living in the wild, I'm sure I'll never live to see that day. As the French Canadians say, "C'est la vie."

If there are any questions, I'll be happy to answer, if I can. Most of what I've learned was from a very old Lakota Sioux warrior, who was raised by wolves until he was about 14 years-old and keeps in practice with ambitious wolves like myself.

Do what you can to try to prevent that mass murderer, GWB, from killing more wolves than Iraqis. Remember, the wolf you save may be your Labrador Retriever's indirect ancestor.

Best,

Graywolf83

Amazing Reenactment of California Killings

Palm Springs, 12/15/08

In an amazing repetition of dual murders at a local Toys R Us, two California men shot and killed each other today in a dispute over a toy gun. On November 25th, two California men, fathers of today's dead men, got into a gun fight over the purchase of a toy gun for their young sons, brothers of today's dead men, which led to the deaths of both men.

Today, the older sons of both men came to the same Toys 'R Us store in Palm Springs to buy the one remaining toy gun for their little brothers. The older siblings also got into a quarrel over who would get to buy the toy gun their fathers fought and died for. Following a brief scuffle, both men pulled their own guns and began shooting at each other. One man was dead at the scene. The other died on the way to the hospital. Both have been charged with murder.

The manager of the store, Edgar Martinez, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said he had never seen such carnage resulting from an attempt to buy a toy gun. "People are just crazy these days," said Martinez, "they will do anything to get some insignicant piece of junk. Last month we had two elderly ladies who fought over who was going to get to purchase the last ball of red yarn. They ended up stabbing each other with knitting needles and one of them lost vision in one eye as a result." Martinez added that he willingly would have given both ladies all the yarn they wanted if he had any idea they were going to stab each other with knitting needles. "Now we have four men dead over one toy pistol. I'm going to take it off the shelf before someone else is killed," said Martinez.

Obese Woman Loses Navel. Stranger Finds It.

(Click on photo to enlarge.)

Killeen, Texas 12/14/08 AP

A woman in Central Texas reported the "theft" of her navel, or belly button. She told police she had always had it with her but it suddenly disappeared, and she was concerned that she would look "odd" in a bikini without a navel. Police were skeptical of the woman's story and wondered if she had a mental disability or was using drugs. However, the woman appeared sober and in control of her faculties. The woman provided police with a sketch of the missing navel, which she described as approximately 2 inches in diameter.

To placate the woman, a police artist replicated the woman's sketch of her navel and about 25 posters were distributed in the precinct, requesting anyone discovering or spotting the missing belly button to report it to the police. Three days later a man walked into the precinct station and excitedly told the officer on duty that he had discovered the purloined navel and could take the police to show them its location.

Thinking the man probably was as daffy as the woman reporting the missing navel, two officers nevertheless accompanied the man to the nearby scene. The officers were shocked to discover the man was telling the truth. The accompanying photo clearly reveals the navel and also explains why the woman believed it to be stolen. She was greatly relieved when the police, with the aid of a large mirror, showed her her belly button.

HELP PROTECT WOMEN IN THE CONGO.

I don't normally use this blog as a forum to promote "causes," but as a place to broadcast and distinguish the truly bizarre. In this instance I believe the cause supervenes any of my personal wishes for Bizarre Stuff.

The Democratic Republic of Congo is host to the world's deadliest conflict since World War II.

And women and girls have borne the brunt of this horrific crisis, with rape as a weapon of war on a scale seen nowhere else in the world.

But you can do something about it.

Tell President-Elect Obama to announce his plan to end sexual violence in Congo.
Eastern Congo is the worst place in the world to be a woman in 2008. Rape and sexual violence are routinely used as a weapon to destroy women, families, and communities. It is time to get serious about ending the conflict and protecting and empowering Congo's women.

The US government is in a unique position to take action immediately. It can promote peace through aggressive diplomatic efforts, increase UN patrols and support organizations that help keep women safe, and work to ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.

Oxfam America has joined with the RAISE Hope for Congo campaign to raise awareness about the crisis. And by adding your voice, you are helping to raise awareness about the horrors of this nine-year conflict.

Tell the president-elect to announce his plan to end the vicious cycle of sexual violence.

Beware Horny Lousiana Women

"Not Tonight, Honey" Bust

Louisiana man gets fat lip for refusing to have sex with girlfriend

DECEMBER 10--Meet Brittany Phillips. Early Saturday morning, the 19-year-old Louisiana woman wanted some sex from her boyfriend. But Todd Stewart, 35, was apparently not in the mood. In fact, he tried to push Phillips off of him in the bedroom of the pair's West Monroe home. That much the couple can agree upon, according to Ouachita Parish Sheriff's Office reports. Phillips claims Stewart became violent after rebuffing her advances. Stewart told an investigator that he left the bedroom to sleep on a living room couch, but that Phillips "would not leave him alone." At some point, he added, things got physical and he was stabbed in the lower lip with "a long metal object which appeared to be a knife." For her part, the frisky Phillips acknowledged to Deputy Shane Smith that she struck Stewart, but said it was done "to protect herself." Phillips, pictured in the above mug shot, was charged with aggravated battery, while a bloody Stewart, also above, was charged with simple battery. Phillips was also booked on a pair of outstanding warrants, for simple battery and damage to property.

Stewart told reporters he was glad Phillips was gone. "She had 'bout worn me down wantin' sex ever 2 or 3 hours. I couldn't get out of bed long enough to look for a job. I couldn't take it no more. Besides, she wasn't that pretty, anyway. I'm probably not the best lookin' dude in the world, but man, compared to that woman I'm Brad Pitt."

Midnight Rambler

Hello all you blog followers, all three of you, I believe. Not much of anything seems to be happening tonight, so I thought I would just ramble for a minute or two. The natives are sedate, and aside from the monkey meat smuggler there are no international bizarre incidents. Domestically there is the matter of the Governor of Illinois deciding to sell Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder, rumored to be in the $500,000 to a million range. But given the sordid state of politics in the U.S., that is not really very bizarre; it's more like business as usual. You would think there would be much more bizarre shit going on in the rest of the world, where there are at least 6 billion other people, compared to only slightly more than 300 million in the homeland. But I guess we make up for our small numbers by consuming about half of the world's resources. You would think that with 6 billion people it would occur to a couple of billion of them to gang up on us and come over here and take all our shit, which they mainly paid for anyway, and inform us that if we didn't stop being so greedy, and electing idiots like George W. Bush to go around playing world bully, that we just might find ourselves involuntarily living on another planet. A very, very cold one that would take us maybe a million years or so to heat up with global warming.

But enough of heart warming small talk. It's time to go eat some supper and plan for a brighter day tomorrow, although today was rather bright, weatherwise, at least until this afternoon when it turned bitterly cold and was beginning to sleet, which is bad news if it does, because that certainly won't be a brighter tomorrow.

So it goes.

jbo
Bloggermeister

Dryed Monkeys Try to Invade U.S.

Monkey Meat Is Confiscated at Dulles


By Jonathan Mummolo
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, December 9, 2008; Page B03

Customs officials searching the bags of an African man who flew into Dulles International Airport on Friday discovered three charred monkeys in his luggage, as well as deer meat and dried beef, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials said yesterday.

The man was traveling from Bangui in Central African Republic, a small country north of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. He admitted he was carrying the meat, a common food in parts of Africa, after a trained dog alerted authorities to the man's bag, customs spokesman Steve Sapp said.

The monkey carcasses, inadmissible under U.S. law, were confiscated and are being inspected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention; monkeys can easily introduce infectious diseases to humans, Sapp said. The other meat was destroyed, and the man was allowed to enter the country without penalty, Sapp said.

Foreigners visiting the United States sometimes try to bring with them exotic foods that are part of their native cuisines, especially around the holidays. But this was "a first for many of us," Sapp said.

Primates are a common food source in the Central African region, said Heather E. Eves, director of the Bushmeat Crisis Task Force, a nonprofit that researches the trade in African "bushmeat," the flesh of wild animals. Eves said that the monkeys' charred appearance comes from the animals' being smoked and that the meat is typically used to make stew.

Primates are also known to carry diseases such as monkeypox, HIV/AIDS and Ebola, she said.

The traveler was not identified because he was not arrested, Sapp said. Foreigners who attempt to conceal agricultural products from customs officials can face fines, usually about $300, Sapp said.

"If they're not trying to hide anything from us, they're not being combative . . . we let them go on their way," Sapp said.

Staff researcher Meg Smith contributed to this report.

Crack in Toilet Seat Causes "Crack" Expansion

This item just in from one of our favorite Bizarre Stuff bloggers in Montana, whose name I am not permitted to reveal because he is under federal investigation for concealing the results of a GAO 3-year investigation of the Kohler toilet fixture company for using low-grade materials in its most popular model of commercial toilet seat: The Grab Ass. Here's the story.


NJ woman sues Pa. sports bar for toilet seat break
December 4, 2008

ALLENTOWN, Pa.—A woman is suing a Pennsylvania sports bar and restaurant, saying she got stuck inside a toilet bowl for 20 minutes after the seat broke.
Kathleen Hewko of Delran Township, N.J., says she was in the bathroom at Starters Pub near Allentown when the handicapped toilet seat she was sitting on cracked and dumped her into the bowl. She said she called for help but no one came.

Hewko says in her lawsuit filed in federal court in November that she had hip surgery prior to the Nov. 19, 2006, incident and was re-injured when the seat broke.
Her lawsuit also claims her crack was cracked and she will need a hemorrhoidectomy. The lawsuit names Starters and Kohler Co., the company that made the toilet seat.
Representatives from both companies said they couldn't comment.

A local distributor of Kohler products, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the stuck woman weighed more than 400 pounds and the Kohler toilet seats were rated 350 pound maximum. He said the only toilet that would safely accommodate grossly obese people like Hewko, would be a steel reinforced concrete toilet with a steel seat, such as are now widely used in France to accommodate obese American tourists. (See photo inset) Ms. Hewko said, "I ain't putting my precious butt on no damn steel and concrete toilet. I'd rather squat and do it in the road."

Her attorney was not available to comment, now or ever, according to his secretary.

The Plain View Doctrine in Action - Cops Seize Vomit After Crook Spills His Guts

Cops find crack in his vomit
Published - Dec 05 2008 02:05PM CST | AP

A 25-year-old Detroit-area man literally spilled his guts to police and was arrested on a drug charge after officers found crack cocaine in his vomit. Police said the man swallowed the drugs after a short car and foot chase Tuesday about 20 miles northeast of Detroit.

Clinton Township police caught and were questioning the man when he threw up the crack cocaine and other contents of his stomach. The drugs were picked from the mess.

The man was jailed after being arraigned Wednesday on a controlled substance charge. He told police it was not his cocaine, that he was only safe-keeping it for a friend but was unable to recall the friend's name or where she lived. He has requested a court-appointed attorney.

Court observers wondered if the evidence could be suppressed under the exclusionary rule. Was the evidence "coughed up" by the suspect only as a result of the police chase and detention? Others were concerned about the odor of the evidence, its preservation until trial and the possibility of its disappearance prior to trial. Veteran drug users, awaiting arraignment, said vomit could not be smoked so there was little chance of its being lost.

"Boy George" Strikes Blow for False Imprisonment: True Imprisonment Strikes Back!

Boy George guilty of false imprisonment
Published - Dec 05 2008 06:40AM CST | AP

A jury convicted pop singer Boy George Friday of falsely imprisoning a male escort.

Norwegian Audun Carlsen, shown above left, twice, had alleged he was restrained with handcuffs by the musician at the singer's London apartment on April 28, 2007.

Carlsen, 29, also accused the former Culture Club frontman of swinging a metal chain at him as he fled the singer's flat after a naked photo shoot.

Shown here in a an earlier file photo, and during sentencing, the singer has ballooned into a veritable blimp, possibly weighing more than 350 pounds or less.

Jurors saw photos of welts on Carlsen's head and injuries to his arm, which he said had been inflicted by O'Dowd, 46. O'Dowd said he couldn't account for the injuries.

The judge suggested he might have time to remember whilst sitting in the slammer. The singer told the judge he could go fuck himself. George's attorney said the remark might have angered the judge, resulting in a longer sentence. "You can't very well tell a magistrate hearing your case to go fuck himself and expect a lenient sentence."

Arizona Man Tries to Change Speed Limit With a Pickax?

Important Update: Psychiatrist Comments on Attempted Unilateral Speed Limit Change.

GLENDALE, Ariz.(AP) A 26-year-old man faces criminal charges after being accused of using a pickax to attack a speed enforcement camera recently installed along a Phoenix-area freeway.

The state Department of Public Safety said Travis Munroe Townsend was arrested and booked into jail Thursday on a charge of felony damage and misdemeanor counts of interference with a traffic control device and criminal trespass.

The DPS said a motorcycle officer parked under an overpass heard loud banging noises and saw a man swinging a pickax at a stationary camera late Wednesday night.

According to DPS, the camera wasn't damaged but it needed a new protective cover.

According to a DPS psychiatrist, the arrestee will need a new bodily restraint device, commonly known as a strait jacket.

A DPS spokesman did not immediately respond when asked whether Townsend has an attorney. The spokesman first had to be kicked awake by the reporter and then only answered with a grunt that sounded like WTF.

Cheeseburger Violence Hits California

December 4, 2008 A.P.

A Vero Beach man faces a domestic violence charge after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. An Indian River County Sheriff's Office arrest report said a 22-year-old man and his girlfriend got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home.

The report said the man would not let the woman out of the vehicle, so she threw his drink out of the car. In response, the man allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face. The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man again took the McDonald's sandwich and put it on her face.

The man was released on $1,000 bond Wednesday.

City of Water Underwater!

12/2/08 The Vatican Press

In a bizarre turn of events, the City of Venice, Italy, admired as the Water City of the world, is now itself underwater. Italian officials planned to meet tomorrow to determine if Venice should be considered two cities, one of water, the other underwater, for purposes of determining the population (is it now double its former size?) and for providing water lines for underwater urban users. "Can't wait until he's gone and soon to be Ex-President of the U.S. George "Dubya" Bush" was being offered on loan to the Italian government as an adviser because of his extensive experience with urban flooding. The "Can't wait until he's gone and soon to be Ex-President of the U.S." said to reporters gathered at Kennebunkport, Maine, "The damned Italians have been warned for centuries to sink that &#@$ing city and be done with it." Vowing to correct the problem, the "How long till he leaves and good riddance Ex-President" urged all civic-minded Venetians to drown quietly. A spokesomething for the Vatican said it welcomed the advice but committing suicide was not permitted under canon law. The "He's already gone, and I'm singing this song Ex President" responded by suggesting that the big hat guy use the canon in that case.

HUGE BOOBS

Bizarre Stuff is proud to present the most gigantic boobs ever to be shown in public. Discovered about two years ago in a small Louisiana town, the owner of these hams can flatten a grown man with one swing of one of her globes. I was able to obtain rights to publish this truly bizarre display right here on Bizarre Stuff. This puts Bizarre Stuff right up there in the stratosphere of bizarreness and makes it one of the premier bizarre blogs on the Internet. If you start the video be prepared to duck. Each one of these boobs weighs 48 pounds.

The Editor

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=gigantic_negro_tits.flv

Little Black Dress

The high school daughter of a friend of mine wanted me to ask my blog readers if they thought her prom dress was too revealing. Her mom doesn't want her to wear it but I said I thought it was fine. There is nothing wrong with having large breasts and she should not be expected to dress like a nun just because she has them. If any of you care to vote, I think it would help me broker a deal between the mom and her daughter. I've told them both I'd need some time alone with each of them to help straighten things out. For example, I think it would be important to know if they are real. She wouldn't want to be known as a phony. There's only one way to tell for certain. I'll have to lift them up and check for any tell-tale scars on the undersides. This may require some extensive palpation if the scars have dimmed. To gain a better perspective yourself, click on the picture for an enlarged view.**

I may be a little biased but I've always contended every woman should have a little black dress for those special occasions. You only have one high school prom in life and you want it to be memorable. The girl has a very cute smile and I believe with this little black dress to compliment it, she will be well-remembered by all her classmates, and she has a great personality, too.

**Since this article was first published we have received a number (well, one, but that's a number)of complaint(s)from the prospective President-Elect of the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR)that because of the suggestion of possible examination and palpation of the breasts of the young woman modeling the little black dress, under unsupervised conditions, could lead to the revocation of the social work license of anyone reading this blog or even having a casual acquaintance with the editor of the blog. In the future, the policy of this blog shall be that if anyone's personal body parts are to be examinined or palpated prior to their discussion or depiction herein, a gay-lesbian, cross-dressing, tri-sexual,hermophroditic, sado-masochistic, formerly straight, now twisted, sexually indeterminate individual will be present at all times during any such examination to insure the sexually puerile, completely non-stimulative and boring nature of the process. [This message is approved by the United Grapefruit Pickers Association of E. Timor)

jbo
Blog Senior Editor

Star Football Player Double Loser

Giants receiver Burress shoots self in right thigh
Published - Nov 30 2008 06:34AM CST | AP

By JOAQUIM CANIBAL - AP Sports Writer

Super Bowl hero Plaxico Burress shot himself in the right thigh when he missed and failed to shoot himself in the foot. Witnesses said Burress was despondent about critical reports of him in the tabloid press. He told a friend if the "news guys" were going to continue to accuse him of shooting himself in the foot every time he opened his mouth, he really was going to do it. Witnesses said Burress was drinking heavily. Because of his drunken condition he was unable to focus clearly, and instead of shooting himself in the foot, the bullet entered his right thigh. He did hold his mouth open while shooting, however, so he was only half wrong. He spent the night in a local psychiatric hospital. Burress was released with his fully-loaded gun just before dawn this morning when he threatened to shoot a hospital attendant in the foot. A NY Giants fan, waiting to see a relative in the hospital, described Mr. Burress as a jackass. N.Y.Giants owner, Wellington Mara, said Burress should be able to play in Sunday's game. "With enough pain killers and steroids he should be ready to go," said Mara. "Plaxico is a player."

(Kudos to Lee Somewhere for correcting the spelling of Mr. Burress's name. The little twit.)

Contributing to this report was Edjuardo Mondragon, on assignment in Madagascar to cover the breaking news that the island nation would lease 40% of its total land area to a North Korean firm for 99 years.

Killer Cat Explodes in Montana - Reverberations Felt in Rio de Janiero, Brazil

Imgart, Montana

A.P. November 29, 2008

A monster cat, weighing 12 pounds, which two days earlier devoured the putrid remains of a Burmese Python and an alligator, with a combined weight of 1200 pounds, in the Florida Everglades, somehow managed to get a ride to rural Montana where she exploded while attempting to eat a live Grizzly bear, weighing more than 1,000 pounds. The ferocious feline managed to eat the entire left hindquarter of the Grizzly before exploding. The blast also killed the hapless Grizzly, which was overpowered by the 1212 pound pussy cat.

A local veterinarian said the cat's explosion was inevitable. "Anytime you have an animal eating 100 times its own body weight at a single sitting, you are going to have pressure build-up in the abdominal cavity.....the abdominal wall of the domestic house cat was just not strong enough to withstand the pressure. The additional mass of the Grizzly's hindquarter pushed the cat beyond her limits."

Dr. and Mr. Susan Allen, of Methane County, MS, the owners of "Killer" Allen, as the feline was affectionately known to Methane County residents, planned a small ceremony for a tissue sample of their pet. Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, announced that he would have his own cat, Larry Craig, euthanized in honor of "Killer." A teary-eyed Dr. Allen told reporters she did not understand "Killer's" bizarre behavior. "Before all this she had never eaten anything larger than our neighbor's St. Bernard."

Rural Home Security System

Seen recently in my neighborhood: Now here is a security system that would keep out all but the most determined of criminals.  It should be marketed in the tony part of the Metroplex; I think it could catch on.  And if you catch the thief, you can always chain him to the system until the local sheriff arrives.  How's that for bizarre?

Bathroom remodel take two

Suzassippi's Nightmare Continues.

Started tearing out the tub today--boy, did I underestimate this job.  J and I both had an hour and a half to get it in half, and it still doesn't come out.  We are taking a little break from breathing fiberglass at the moment, as the saw battery needs a recharge.  I need a recharge, too.

Dad Brings Xmas Cheer to Kids and Gets Fired, Twice.

Fired ... for taking treats from trash
Dec. 21, 2005. 01:00 AM

ST-HYACINTHE, Que.—A single father of three fired for taking chocolate bars from a garbage bin at a Zellers store will get some Christmas cheer from a charitable organization.

Guy Masse, 47, had planned to give the discarded chocolate to his children, aged 6, 9 and 15, for Christmas. Masse, who was on welfare and had been working at the store only for a couple of months, was first suspended and then fired.

"I think it's inhuman," Masse told CJAD radio station in Montreal of his dismissal.

When told of their father's dismissal and that they would be required to return the stale candy, the Masse children voted to fire him as their father.

Love Trumps Decapitated Daughter

VANDALIA, Mo. -- The mother of a 3-year-old girl whose boyfriend killed and decapitated her daughter in 2001 explained in detail last week how she retrieved her daughter's head from a large trash bin and put it in the woods where she and her boyfriend had left the girl's remains.

She hoped, she said, to make it easier for authorities to one day identify her daughter. She succeeded. The girl's bones were used to trace her to the mother through DNA matching. The mother's DNA was on file with the FBI as a result of a prior arrest and plea bargain, for aggravated assault of a postal employee.

The woman told authorities she did not know the name or the whereabouts of the ex-boyfriend, who left her three weeks after her daughter's murder for another woman. She said she did not report the man because she hoped he would come back to her.

UPS Nov.25,2008

California Men Kill Each Other Over Toy Gun

PALM DESERT, Calif. -- Two people are dead in a Black Friday shooting at a crowded Toys "R" Us in Palm Desert, Calif.

City Councilman Jim Magnuson said police have told him that the victims were two men with handguns who shot each other.

The councilman said his question is: who takes a loaded gun into a toy store? And his answer is: "I doubt it was the casual holiday shopper."

The two men argued about who was going to get the last toy gun on the shelf. One of the men pulled out a gun and shot the other shopper, who was reaching for his own gun and still managed to shoot his assailant. Both men died instantly and the toy gun went unsold. The assistant store manager stated they should have ordered more toy guns. "More shoppers will want to get their own kid the same gun that caused a shoot-out," she said. "We could sell a few hundred of them now if we had them in stock."

A manager at a gym across the street said people rushed in crying and shaking.

One woman said she was in the store looking at coloring books with her two young boys when there was a commotion in the next aisle. She thought it was a scramble for a sale, then heard gunshots. She said her 4-year-old grabbed her leg and said he didn't want to die. The woman grabbed another man's leg and said she didn't want to die either. The man whose leg she grabbed was one of the shooters who said he didn't want to die either, but he did.

Toothless cat devours python and alligator

Oxfart, MS-CRAP (Cat Rally Alternative Press).  A Killer cat was spotted today ingesting the remains of a python which exploded after ingesting an alligator.  What is even more bizarre is the cat has no teeth.  Yes, Killer Allen's teeth fell out not long after she moved to Mississippi and was ineligible for dental care.  She had been previously covered under her domestic (cat) partner's (Penelope) policy.  Penelope was last seen on a front porch of a log cabin in Water Valley, murmuring "What the hell were you all thinking?"  Mississippi has passed constitutional amendments prohibiting domestic relationships, prohibiting abortions (not that there were any physicians in Mississippi who performed them anyway) and prohibiting the consumption of any alcohol other than hard liquor in public places.  It is rumored that the latest prohibition (no beer or wine in public places) is related to excessive use of Johnny Cans.  It seems that whiskey drinkers are better able to "hold" their liquor, thus requiring less clean up time post public events.  

And that's the bizarre news from Mississippi for today.

Exploding Python

Snake bursts after gobbling gator

The predators died in the clash

(Enlarge Image by clicking on it.)

An unusual clash between a 6-foot (1.8m) alligator and a 13-foot (3.9m) python has left two of the deadliest predators dead in Florida's swamps.

The Burmese python tried to swallow its fearsome rival whole but then exploded.

The remains of the two giant reptiles were found by astonished rangers in the Everglades National Park.

The rangers say the find suggests that non-native Burmese pythons might even challenge alligators' leading position in the food chain in the swamps.


Clearly, if they can kill an alligator they can kill other species
Prof Frank Mazzotti

The python's remains were found with the victim's tail protruding from its burst midsection. The head of the python was missing.

"Encounters like that are almost never seen in the wild... And here we are," Frank Mazzotti, a University of Florida wildlife professor, was quoted as saying by the Associated Press news agency.

"They were probably evenly matched in size. If the python got a good grip on the alligator before the alligator got a good grip on him, he could win," Professor Mazzotti said.

He said the alligator may have clawed at the python's stomach, leading it to burst.

"Clearly, if they can kill an alligator they can kill other species," Prof Mazzotti said.

He said that there had been four known encounters between the two species in the past. In the other cases, the alligator won or the battle was an apparent draw.

Burmese pythons - many of whom have been dumped by their owners - have thrived in the wet and hot climate of Florida's swamps over the past 20 years.

the most non-bizarre European Invasion Day

All right, Jbo has been browbeating me that I am just way too serious, write too seriously about too much serious stuff, and have moved away form my formerly "more natural self."  In an effort to take his request (and criticisms) more seriously, I am trying to think of something bizarre.  The trouble is, I am just not a bizarre person for the most part, unless you count the fact that I have married two Republicans.  Not bizarrely, the first match was not made in heaven, and thus, we did not last long when our political wills collided often and with disastrous results, given he was a career officer in the nation's defense system. :)

Much to my delight, current husband converted to voting Democratic.  While I would like to take credit for the change, I have to confess it was really George W. Bush who steered him toward the left and the light, so perhaps that is at least one good thing to come out of the current administration.

And finally, in London, they label the dresser drawers so you can figure out where things are stored.  And that is pretty bizarre.

Turkeys in Oregon Get Even

A.P. Eugene, Oregon, November 25, 2008

Hundreds of wild turkeys invaded the city of Eugene, Oregon, on the eve of Thanksgiving, striking a blow for their domesticated (means they can be killed) brothers and sisters throughout the U.S. The turkey invaders have made a mess of the city, leaving piles of smelly turkey poop everywhere, including the roofs of 1,000s of homes and businesses, tearing up gardens and lawns, raiding dumpsters, trampling cats, terrorizing little old ladies and children, and keeping the local police busy answering calls for assistance.

The police couldn't do much but try to reassure terrified citizens and explain that these turkeys have special rights and are protected by state and federal wildlife laws. The turkeys lawyered up prior to the invasion and their attorney, Tom Turkey, speaking on condition of anonymity, held a press conference to remind Eugenians they could face stiff penalties for killing or injuring any of the birds.

"These birds have been the victims of persecution since the days of the Pilgrims and face annual mass slaughter by the U.S. population, for use in massive turkey eat-ins, where millions of overweight Americans scream at one another and stuff themselves with the flesh of the dead fowl," said Mr.Turkey. He went on to remark, "It's a national disgrace and various international animal rights organizations have been at work for years to end the carnage." "Once a year, in a hypocritical gesture, the President and State Governors grant pardons to 51 turkeys, leaving millions of turkeys to their fates, then retreat to their own mansions to eat other unpardoned birds," said Jane Mockingbird, a member of the Fowl Unprotected for Christ Union (FUCU).

A spokesperson for the National Association of Turkeys (NAT) said more city invasions in other parts of the U.S. were planned for future years. The turkeys' goal is to stage a million turkey crap-in for the nation's capital, possibly as early as next year. "Can you imagine the amount of additional crap that would pile up in Washington? The nation's capital would be shut down by a shit-storm of turkey poop and Congressional crap combined," according to the NAT spokesperson. "And not a darn thing could be done about it by the nations' most powerfull bull-shitters."